Title: Chivalry is Dead
Disclaimer: I can sing and tapdance, too.
Rating: PG ( K+ ) – For fluff, dangerous substances, and comical violence.
Spoilers: Nope. Go ahead and flame me if you find any.
Summary: OneShot, crack. "Man, you killed Ishida..." IshiHime.
...would this be considered "crack"?
The group was utterly silent and perfectly still. There were no sudden movements, for that could potentially draw the attention to a single individual and the crisis would escalate. Once one of them went down, the others would be sure to follow to a slow, tortuous death...all at the tentacles of eel tempura smothered in strawberry jam.
"So, who's first?" Orihime chirped, flexing her own chopsticks at the unsavory confection that composed her lunch. "They're so good," she promised with a luminescent smile.
The mixed-gender group leaned away from the cheerful flower girl upon reflex in a uniformed motion. The fried bits of sweetened seafood threatened to overwhelm their constitutions by appearance alone and no one was eager to step up to the offered plate.
"Ah...we wouldn't want to eat all of your lunch, Orihime," Tatsuki finally replied, forcing a smile.
"But this is a picnic, Tatsuki-chan! Everyone's supposed to share," the busty schoolgirl insisted, digging into the bento herself to collect a piece of the eel. She held it up and offered it to the person nearest to her, Michiru, who turned green and tumbled backwards away from it. She fell atop of Keigo, who was already passed out under the strain of such confrontation. Mizuiro sighed and began fanning his female classmate as well.
"Inoue," Ichigo spoke up this time on behalf of the greater good. "I...uh...think we've got enough here for everyone. You can go ahead and eat yours by yourself."
Orihime lowered her chopsticks slowly as the light of her smile faded from her eyes. "Oh...okay, Kurosaki-kun. Thank you."
Everyone, from Tatsuki to Ichigo to the monstrously large Chad, squirmed internally from guilt (and a tad bit of lingering nausea).
"Never mind that squeamish boy, my dearest 'Hime-chan!" Chizuru cooed, drawing her imagined lover to her bosom in a gesture of condolence. "We all love your delectable creativity!"
From the lesbians diminutive cleavage, the fairy-wielding Hollow slayer offered hopefully, "Would you like a piece, Chizuru-chan?"
The bespectacled girl froze in her ministrations and turned a deathly shade of pale. With a titter of nervous laughter, she replied, "Oh! I would just love to, 'Hime-chan, but I'm watching my girlish figure! After all, I don't want to have any unsightly bulges the night we finally consummate our forbidden pass – "
A swift kick to the side of Chizuru's head sent her flying away from the bemused Orihime and to the grass far removed from their shared blanket.
"Tch, you never learn, do you?" Tatsuki spat.
Chizuru didn't respond, eyes swirling with little six-pointed stars fashioned after her love interests favored hair accessories.
"So...," all wary attention was redirected at Orihime again. The ginger-haired girl was smiling sadly at the specially-prepared food in her lap. "No one wants any...?"
Every single one of them felt themselves instantly damned to eternal Hell.
"I'll try some, Inoue-san."
All eyes shifted simultaneously to the single brave soul of their group.
"Ah...that's okay, Ishida-kun," the flower girl waved away his offer with her hands. "You don't have to."
The dark-haired Quincy withdrew from his shadowed spot on the blanket and inched closer to Orihime, a flush the same shade as the strawberry flavoring atop her concoction. "Please, Inoue-san. I would like to taste it."
The conscious members of the assembled teens began chanting silent prayers for his immortal soul.
"Aa...if you're sure, Ishida-kun..."
Taking a brave stab with his chopsticks, the Quincy withdrew one of the fried, dripping abominations and lifted it to his fear-parched mouth. The flaky crust was soggy and pink with strawberry flavoring and fell in wet chunks from the meat it was meant to cling to. The jam was melted and gooey, far from the gelatinous texture it should have been, and only served to destabilize the flesh of the fish with its thinned constitution.
All in all, it seemed as if the ingredients were destroying each other in some sort of remorseful suicide.
As the horrid concoction hovered centimeters away from his lips, Ishida hesitated. Which did he value more? His hopefully-more-than-friends teammate? Or the months upon months of schoolwork he would miss during his coma?
"You...you really don't have to eat it, Ishida-kun," a disheartened voice whispered. Through his blurred peripheral vision he could see a fuzzy ginger head bowed in defeat. "Not if you don't want to..."
He could always make up the work, he decided, biting the proverbial, odd-tasting bullet.
Minimal chewing...a forceful swallow...that hadn't been so bad.
On second thought, "Urk – "
"Ee! Ishida-kun, are you alright?" the startled flower child squealed, lunging to catch her beset classmate as he fell. Gathering the felled boy into her arms, she cradled him against her bosom, pleading with his unresponsive form, "Ishida-kun! Speak to me!"
Ishida was foaming at the mouth ever-so-slightly and his face was bleached white as a ghost. The shock to his system had been so severe that his notoriously low blood pressure had spiked, sending his body into a mild form of shock.
"Man, you killed Ishida...," Ichigo gaped in awe.
The tears welling up in Orihime's eyes burst forth in a wild torrent and she clutched the Quincy's lifeless body desperately. "No! Ishida-kun, please wake up!"
Rukia beaned her Shinigami replacement so hard that he fell face first into the dirt.
"Shut up, idiot!" she hissed.
Ichigo's curse in response was muffled by a mouthful of grass and soil.
Grinding her long-time, carrot-topped friend's face into the dirt, Tatsuki seconded the sentiments. "Look what you've done, Strawberry!"
In the background, Orihime continued to wail over Ishida's still almost-corpse, begging for him to come back to life. "Please, Ishida-kun! Don't die!" she sobbed, burrowing her nose into the soft thickness of his hair.
"'Mphine, 'noueesahn..."
Her tears ceased instantly as the buxom healer recognized the muffled voice trapped between her hefty breasts. The joy lit her face in a way that only Ichigo had been able to perform before and new tears formed in her eyes. Squeezing his head tighter to her chest, Orihime cried, "Ishida-kun's alive! He's alive!"
"Mmph!" the bespectacled sewing expert exclaimed, forced deep within the valley of Orihime's cleavage. "Mm! Hant...bheethe..."
Finally relenting her affection, Orihime pulled Ishida's face out of her bosom. "What was that, Ishida-kun?"
"Couldn't...breathe..."
"Ah, but what an amazing way to die...," the regenerated Keigo sighed, eyes unfocused wistfully.
With a punch to his jaw from Tatsuki, the excitable outcast was thrust out of the conversation for a second time.
"I'm so sorry, Ishida-kun!" the curvy Hollow hunter leapt away from her friend as if scalded. Bowing low to the temporarily carpeted ground, she sniffled, "I've caused you so much trouble today! Please forgive me!"
Her Soul Society comrade's heart fluttered and skipped a beat as he reached out to pat her on the back. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Inoue-san," Ishida comforted awkwardly. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"Except nearly killing him twi – "
Into the dirt Ichigo went, crumpled into a heap with Keigo and Chizuru on the far side of the gathering.
"Geeze...," the strawberry Shinigami groaned, feeling around for what was poking him in the spleen (Ah, Chizuru's glasses). "So violent today..."
Orihime flushed and buried her head deeper within her bow. "I'm really sorry, Ishida-kun..."
"It's not your fault, Inoue-san," the Shinigami-hating boy was getting desperate now as his secret infatuation's voice was growing thick with more restrained tears. "Really!"
"Yes it is!" she negated. "If you hadn't eaten my lunch, you wouldn't have...wouldn't have..."
Placing both hands on her slumped shoulders, the last Quincy shouted, "It wasn't the food! It was...it was...," what could he say that she would believe? "It was the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!" ( 1 )
Orihime lifted her eyes to share her bespectacled friends nervous gaze. "Crumple-Horned Snorkack...?" she repeated, the corners of her mouth twitching into a smile. "Pfft! Ishida-kun, you're so silly! Everyone knows that Crumple-Horned Snorkacks don't exist!"
"O-of course they do!" the color was back in full force in Ishida's cheeks. "They're dangerous creatures, you know. They...um...eat a persons consciousness!"
In between fits of laughter, the sharply-curved princess countered, "No they don't, Ishida-kun! They're not even real!"
"Sure they are! How else do you explain so many of our companions suddenly falling into a deep sleep?" he pointed to the steadily rising pile of bodies stacked behind them.
"Didn't Tatsuki-chan and Kuchiki-san do that?"
"Ah...another of the Snorkack's...powers is the ability to control humans through...um...hypnotism!" Ishida struggled with his outlandish concepts. How did Orihime create these odd little plots with such ease? "Isn't that true, Arisawa-san? Kuchiki-san?"
Tatsuki and Rukia, startled by the conversation suddenly diverted to them, remained silent for a long moment. "Uh...," was all Rukia ventured to say.
The teenaged black belt shifted uncomfortably, glancing between Ishida's pleading expression and Orihime. Orihime and her nauseating lunch contribution... "Oh, yeah, that's right! Aah! It's got me!" she flailed her arms around a bit for a theatrical touch.
After a hard nudge in the ribs, Rukia joined in as well, putting her mediocre acting skills to work. "No! No, don't make...me...do...it...," she cried, falling to the ground and pretending to struggle with one of her hands, which was reaching out for Chad in a menacing gesture.
Chad – always aiming to please – fell over backwards and laid perfectly still.
"Nooo!"
"Ah...Michiru-san?" Mizuiro ventured, glancing to his horrified classmate. "Do you want to go get some ice cream or something?"
"Y-yeah...let's do that, Kojima-kun."
With a burst of speed inspired by fear, the two forgotten members of class three collected their things, stumbled onto their feet, and scurried away. They wouldn't stop until they reached the opposite side of the park.
A comically large drop of sweat slid down the back of Ishida's head as he watched the senior Shinigami ascend to a new level in her performance. Tatsuki leapt out of the seizing Rukia's way as she fought against her fictitious internal demons.
"Oh no! Kuchiki-san!" Orihime held her hands to her face in absolute horror. "Ishida-kun, what do we do? How do we cure them?"
'...Something tells me that these people are beyond saving,' was the disturbed Quincy's silent opinion. "Ah...there is one way to save them."
"How?"
"You need...to...," Ugh, it got harder every time he had to come up with a new answer. "Say the magic words."
"What are the magic words, Ishida-kun?"
Deep in his self-dug grave, the young sewing prodigy wanted to cry like a sissy girl. "Um..."
"Quick, Ishida-kun! I think Kuchiki-san is getting worse!"
The earth-bound Shinigami was snarling and gurgling deep in her throat. Her Karate-expert partner had moved beside the dog pile of unconscious classmates and hoped that, by simple proximity, she seemed fiendish enough without resorting to Rukia's brand of theatrics.
"The magic words are...are...Expelliarmus!" ( 2 ) he settled finally, pointing at Tatsuki with a flourish. The Karate girl, catching the hint, clutched at heart and fell over, defeated.
"But, Ishida-kun...that's only one word."
Ishida always hated having his logic corrected, but he wasn't certain how to feel about having his illogic questioned. "Ah...I meant to say magic word, Inoue-san."
"Oooh...then Expell-ee-yarnus!" Orihime repeated incorrectly, directing the spell at Rukia.
Rukia, too, clasped a hand to her heart, but spent an excessively longer amount of time in actually "dying." She milked the scene for all it was worth and finally admitted defeat after nearly three full minutes with the words, "Everything's going...dark...farewell!"
Ishida glanced up from his watch as Rukia finally submitted to vanquishment, wondering why, exactly, he had chosen to enact this pitiful display of chivalry.
"Oh, Ishida-kun!" Orihime cried, throwing her arms around the startled Quincy's neck and drawing him into a hug. "We did it! We conquered the Crumple-Horned Snorkack's!"
Oh, right, that was it.
Raising a timid hand to touch the arm beneath his chin, he stammered an embarrassed reply, "Y-yes, Inoue-san. We did."
— — —
Mizuiro and Michiru never returned, so only the remaining members of the original gathering bid their goodbyes to each other late that afternoon. They waved to each other as they started in their separate directions, divided into pairs for at least part of their journeys.
"Give us a kiss goodbye, 'Hime-chan!" Chizuru purred, pulling herself flush against her overly-developed friends body. "I'll put my tongue wherever you wan – urk!"
"Will you knock that off, you shameless tart?" Tatsuki came to the rescue again, yanking the same sex-oriented girl away from Orihime by the collar of her shirt.
"Jealous again, are we?" Chizuru asked, stumbling along backwards in Tatsuki's wake as the formidable fighter dragged her away from the hapless Orihime. "Try fixing yourself up once in awhile – a little mascara, a touch of blush – and then we'll talk. I'm totally over my 'butch' phase."
"You...make...me...sick!"
"Sick with envy, may – augh!"
"See you at school tomorrow, Tatsuki-chan! Chizuru-chan!" Orihime called, waving to the pair of girls heading away from her in the opposite direction.
"See ya!" With Chizuru securely restrained in a painful-looking headlock, Tatsuki felt free to return her best friends enthusiastic wave with an abbreviated one of her own. High above her head, it was little more than a flick of the wrist, but it was heartfelt all the same.
"How can you still be hungry? We didn't even finish lunch until three o'clock!"
"Because I was passed out until nearly four!"
"You exaggerate too much; it was only three forty-five."
"That's the same damned thing!"
Ichigo and Rukia bickered back and forth as they disappeared in the direction of the Kurosaki clinic, neglecting to perform any gestures of farewell to the parties who remained behind. In fact, the carrot-topped Shinigami substitute was so absorbed in their argument that, before the couple could even disappear fully from view, he stumbled and fell face-first into the sidewalk.
Rukia – ever the sympathetic, comforting angel that she was – laughed maniacally and poked him in the head until he got to his feet and continued their argument anew.
"You really do exaggerate, Ichigo."
"Shut up!"
Keigo trailed after a silent Chad, bouncing and yipping like an excited puppy. He wasn't even going in the proper direction to get home, but he figured that the seven extra blocks and quick three-station train ride wouldn't be too bad after dark...
"Right, Chad?"
"Hn."
"What kind of answer is that? Don't you care about my safety?"
"Hn."
"THAT'S COLD, MAN!"
Chad stopped down the street to return Orihime's wave and smile and the two proceeded on their way. Keigo's attempts to make Chad speak more than a single syllable could be heard even after they were swallowed up by the distance.
"Are you ready to go, Inoue-san?"
The buxom flower princess turned to beam at her own travel partner, bathed in the pink glow of dusk. "I'm ready, Ishida-kun. I just want to throw away my leftovers first...," she replied, holding up the unpopular meal item by its orange and pink wrapping.
"You shouldn't do that, Inoue-san. It's wasteful," Ishida scolded gently, readjusting the dirty blanket tucked beneath his arm. "You should save it for tomorrow."
Her saddened smile from early that day was on her face again as she said, "No...I don't think that would do anyone any good. I know that you weren't really attacked by a Crumple-Horned Snorkack, Ishida-kun."
In the bright colors of sunset it was difficult to tell if the dark-haired Quincy was blushing or not. "No, that was really what happened, Inoue-san." He turned his face away under the pretense of adjusting his glasses, finding it unbearable to meet her eyes when he was lying.
"It's alright, Ishida-kun," Orihime placated, unwrapping the cloth binding her bento closed. She outstretched the unwanted offering to the trash can, pausing to finish her address. "You don't have to pretend anymore. Ishida-kun, Tatsuki-chan, Kuchiki-san and even Sado-kun have done enough to cheer me up already."
Without even thinking about it first, Ishida stepped forward and pulled her back against his chest by the shoulders. "Don't, Inoue-san. Please."
Orihime's heart completely skipped one of its beats. She had never experienced this level of intimacy before with a man, not even with her dearly departed brother who had always shied away from physical affection. The fairy-wielding Hollow slayer had pictured herself in several similar situations with Ichigo before – some as innocent as holding hands, others more suggestive like basking in each others afterglow after a long night – but she had somehow never anticipated the tingly vibration that overwhelmed her entire body at the contact.
"You worked so hard on it," the youngest Quincy's mellifluous baritone was like a soft breeze in her ear. "It would be tragic to just throw it away."
Turning her face to the spot where he was leaning over her shoulder, Orihime lifted her dappled eyes to connect with Ishida's, "You...really think I should keep it?"
"I do," his smile was marginally smaller than hers, but held no less meaning. "And I thought it was very tasty, Inoue-san."
She giggled as his eyes flicked away after his last statement. "You're a terrible liar, Ishida-kun. You always look away."
His face was a warmer shade than the fading sun. "I'm sorry, Inoue-san. But I did think it was...interesting."
"That's alright. I appreciate you pretending for my sake," her voice was low to maintain the mood. "You really shouldn't take so many of your ideas from Harry Potter, though. That's copyright infringement."
Ishida couldn't help but laughing at her legal interpretation of his little skit from that afternoon. Removing his hands from her shoulders and taking a step back out of her personal space, he replied, "I'll remember to use a disclaimer next time, then." ( 3 )
The young tailor bent down to collect the stained blanket he had dropped and folded it neatly beneath his arm again while Orihime re-wrapped her unconventional food item in its colorful handkerchief. There was a comfortable silence between them as they concentrated on their individual tasks, broken only out of necessity.
"Are you ready to leave now, Inoue-san?"
"Yep! All ready," the well-endowed schoolgirl agreed, stepping forward to loop her arm through Ishida's. "Let's go!"
If the blood didn't drain out of his cheeks again soon, Ishida feared that he would get light-headed again. "G-good...where do you live, Inoue-san? I'll walk you there before going home myself."
"I live right across the street from Karakura Market...the little grocery store a few blocks away. Do you know it?"
"You live there? That's just a little down the street from my complex!"
"Really? That's wonderful! We can have dinner together, go to movies, and even throw sleepovers now!"
"S-sleepovers...?"
"Of course! You can't sleep over with just yourself, you know."
"True enough..."
"I know! We can start a book club since you like Harry Potter so much!"
"Aa...maybe..."
Footnotes:
( 1 ) I stole the reference "Crumple-Horned Snorkack" from the fifth Harry Potter book, for those of you who live under rocks and haven't read the series. They are a legend in the wizarding world like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and/or the Chupacabra would be in "muggle" society, hence even Orihime's skepticism at Ishida's proclamation.
( 2 ) Expelliarmus – the disarming spell. Do you think that Ishida spends too much time reading Harry Potter, or what?
I swear, these little snippets will be the closest thing to a Bleach/Harry Potter crossover I will EVER get. Fear not!
( 3 ) Did we catch a bit of subtle fanfiction cynicism here...?
—
Authors Notes: Somebody do me a favor and let me know if any of my characterization is off...sigh.
Many thanks to the wondrous MyAibou (my beta) and the amusing AnimeGirl622 for helping me smooth out the wrinkles in this fic. I probably coulda done it without y'all, but yanno...hehe, just kidding. Your help was much appreciated in this project no matter what my other personality says...
Most of you are probably familiar with AnimeGirl622's IshiHime fic's if you're reading this one, but many of you probably haven't heard of MyAibou unless you happen to spend a lot of time in the YuGiOh section. I recommend the works of both authors and encourage all to take the advice of this shameless promotion and go try them out. n.n
If anyone is interested in tracking down more IshiHime fic's, go to the Bleach section of the C2 archives and look up my C2, "The Thread That Binds." Including this one, there should be something like ninety-five or ninety-six fic's there, all based on Ishida, Orihime, and/or both together. It's basically my extended favorites list. To find it, go here:http / www.fanfiction .net /c2/30191/3/0/1/ Mynext goal is one hundred IshiHime fic's in my archive, so keep posting!
—
.:ObscureAnimeWriter:.
– Every nerd has his day. With Inoue Orihime, Ishida Uryuu will have an entire afterlife.