It was on the news the next day.

Not that, ya nasties. The other thing. No, not that either, the other other thing….

Okay, you know what, you can be forgiven for not remembering what actually unfolded over the past few days because shit's been happening.

Honestly, Harley had completely forgotten it too – and could you blame her, relationship drama was happening and she wasn't sure if she'd have to break it off with the love of her life – but after that, it was just a matter of sheer forgetfulness.

That is, until it showed up on the news.

Oh, fucking cheese crackers in a barrel.

"Ive! Come quick!"

The aforementioned 'Ive' came sauntering out of her greenhouse, one hand on her hip while the other held a spray bottle. "Harls, we have a remote for a reason."

"No, not that, just look!" She pointed to the screen all dramatic like, expecting Ivy to take one look at the screen before turning into one of those Hitchcock heroines who fainted and swooned and became appalled by the devastation that was unfolding before them.

"Uh, what am I looking at?"

Harley raised an eyebrow, "Um, do you not see the crazy half-plant, half-human zombies in the shot?" On the screen, Tawny was now going off into some very dramatic detail about the woes and struggles of living as a plant hybrid, and the life that awaited those unfortunate souls that had been targeted by Ivy's madness.

It made absolutely no sense, but it was still riveting television.

Ivy studied the newscast for a few minutes. "So?"

Harley's jaw dropped. "Ive, it's your pheromones! They're turning the people into trees! I don't know, call me crazy I guess, but I thought you'd be a little more appalled by it."

"I don't see why. I welcome any attempt to repopulate the planet with plant life." Ivy shrugged. "Besides, this whole thing was your mess in the first place. Labelling them as 'my' pheromones does not make this problem mine to solve."

It was true. The whole thing was her mess.*

*Honestly, what are you even doing here? Go back and read from the beginning please.*

"But, Ive!"

Ivy returned a deadpan look, "If you were serious about becoming a better person, then you start by cleaning up your own messes, Harls. No exceptions."

Ugh, becoming a responsible adult was such a drag. Harley pouted, her pigtails flopping in her face. "But-but I'm not even healed yet!"

Cue the doe-eyes. Ivy had never been able to resist them before. "Ive, what if I can't walk properly or fall and get hurt somewhere or bump into Two-Face's gang again?" She wiggled her toes, "I'm still feeling real achy."

To her surprise, her girlfriend did not immediately crumble and give in. "I saw you doing that TikTok challenge in the kitchen earlier. If you can dance to Ciara's "Get Up," then you can also actually get up and track those people down yourself."

Freaking Tik Tok and its addicting, almost drug-like, dopamine rush.

"That being said, I do have something for you." She missed Ivy's sly smile before it disappeared into a faux nonchalance. "Follow me."

"Holy shit, that's a lot of juice, Ive. You're telling me you spent all of yesterday making this?"

Ivy couldn't hide her pride, but her tone was still stern. "I wasn't sure how much antidote we'd need, so I made as much as I could." She looked to Harley, "Using my pheromones in a holiday crowd, easily the worst idea you've ever had, Harls, hands down. Hundreds of people could have been infected… you'll likely have to search the whole city to track them all down."

If Harley could go back in a time machine and kick herself, she would have. "UGH, don't remind me! Just tell me what I'm supposed to do once I catch them."

A vine brought forth one of those industrial spray container things and dumped it at her feet. "Spray them with this."

"Wait," Harley looked up at her. "Don't you normally do that whole mouth-to-mouth thing?"

"You mean kissing?" Ivy smirked, "Harls, I feel like you of all people shouldn't be shy about something like that."

"I'm not shy," She grumbled under her breath. And she really wasn't. It was more of a latent jealousy reflex, cause even back when she and Ivy had just been friends, she'd never really enjoyed the whole "kissing people to control them" thing, well, the kissing part anyway. And now, well…

"Sweet pea," Harley felt a hand on her cheek, fingers brushing against her soft skin, "Are you feeling jealous again?"

The jester leaned into the comforting touch, her emotional walls giving way so she could deliver a sheepish, "Maybe just a little."

But it seemed Ivy understood. Because she smiled and leaned in for a quick kiss. "For the record, even that little peck means more to me than any of those kisses ever did."

And just like that, Harley found herself blushing like a teenager again. Damn, that woman is magical.

"I had a feeling the whole saliva-infused antidote delivery system would be a little difficult this time, so I modified the antidote to resemble a herbicide of sorts. No kissing required." Ivy winked at her, "Just for you, darling."

Harley had to keep from grinning like the lovesick idiot she was. "So that's it, then? I just gotta squirt them?"

"That's all. One or two washes should do the trick. But make sure you wait until they start changing back before you turn them loose, just so you know it works."

"Kay," She jumped off the stool. "I guess I'll get going then."

"And please don't get caught by Batman, Harls. I really don't want to revisit that dank dungeon anytime soon."

"Eh," Harley hefted the canister onto her shoulder, "I wouldn't worry about Batsy. He and I are buddies now."

Ivy smiled fondly, as though entertaining the amusing ramblings of a toddler. "Is that so?"

"Uh huh," Harley continued, clipping the strap across her torso. "He even knows about the whole pheromone thing."

She could feel Ivy's busy brain grind to a halt. "Um… what?"

"Yeah, Ive," Harley began chuckling to herself. "Before you found me last night, I had a little heart to heart with the B-Man in Robinson Park." She smirked, "The guy's definitely a therapist or something. He's the one who convinced me to try and make it up ta ya."

Ivy blinked slowly, like she needed some time to process it all.

And then, she smiled, shook her head, and pulled Harley in for another kiss. "Only you, Harls. Only you would manage to become friends with your arch-nemesis and shrug it off like last week's news." She chuckled softly, "Then again, that would explain the Batman-monogrammed hanky I found on you, cause here I was thinking you'd stolen it somehow."

"Hey!" Harley was mildly offended, "It was a gift, thank you very much. My new best friend said I could keep it."

To her surprise, Ivy suddenly had that super intense look she'd had in the club a few nights back, you know, the one where it felt like her eyes could spit fire if they wanted to, but like super-duper gently… if that made any sense. (Okay fine, that made absolutely no sense, but neither did her girlfriend's sudden mood change, okay?)

"Your new best friend?"

"Um, yeah?" The glowing in Pam's dark green eyes intensified. Harley found herself swallowing. Wow, Pammy is really, really hot when she does that. "I mean, not really, cause he's the Bat and I'm still me but um…maybe?"

She didn't miss the wicked, dangerous twinkle in Pam's eyes as the woman drew closer.

"I have a confession to make." Ivy's lips were just a hairsbreadth away from Harley's. She found herself inexplicably drawn to them - and definitely turned on.

"Y-yeah?"

"I'm feeling incredibly possessive of you right now, so I suggest you gather all of your friends, new and old, and finish giving everyone the antidote by dinner." Ivy had on that smug, sultry smirk that made her go weak in the knees. "I may or may not have a surprise for you when you return."

It was definitely the kick in the pants she didn't know she'd needed.

"…O-Oh." Harley found herself looking away, anywhere she could to avoid that incredibly intense look. "Um, sure, sure…I-I can probably do that."

The smile Pam gave her was deviously sweet. "Good girl." She delivered three light taps to her bottom, "Now chop chop, darling. You're burning daylight."

Harley had never scurried out of the apartment faster.

"No."

Harley pouted. "Aww, but Kitty, you don't even know what I was aboutta ask yer help for."

Kitty, aka Selina, didn't budge from her position on the couch, nor did she bother raising her eye mask to acknowledge the intruder. (What? The front door was locked, kay? What's a girl supposed to do?)

"Doesn't matter, don't care. Whatever it is, count me out."

"Don't be like that, Kitty-Cat." Harley plopped onto the floor criss-cross applesauce style. (Hehehe, what a name.) "I really, really need your help and you're one of my bestest friends, ain't 'cha? Can't 'cha help a buddy out?"

That was enough for Selina to take off her eyemask, revealing sunken eyes and whooo boy, did it look like she hadn't slept in a while. "The last time someone used that line on me, I was up all night scouring the rooftops for your pasty white ass. So forgive me if I don't feel up to a return trip."

"Wait," This was news. "You were looking for me last night?"

Selina rolled her eyes, "Ivy interrupted a very vivid dream to ask me to search for you. Actually, it was less an ask and more of a 'upon pain of death' thing. But I figured I might as well help and do my one good deed for the year…"

"AWW!" Harley launched onto the couch, "So you were worried about me?" And apparently Ivy was too, but of course she already knew that part. "Gee, Kitty, I didn't know ya cared."

Selina struggled to maintain a stern look but she couldn't help the sheepish, "Maybe just a bit," that escaped her.

"But if this has anything to do with those zombies walking around the city, then you can just count me out, Harls. I've got better things to do…sleep being one of them."

"But Kitty-"

"Nope." She sat up, brandishing her phone like a weapon. "Do you know when Ivy enlightened me as to your current whereabouts? 20 minutes ago, Harls! Fucking 20 minutes ago!"

"And of all the ways to tell me, she texts me saying I should expect you to drop by and ask for my help. And THEN, she has the nerve to say, 'If you have any sense of self-preservation, you will keep an eye on Harley and make sure she gets home in one piece.'" Selina raised an indignant eyebrow. "I'm sorry, but do I look like your fucking babysitter!?"

"…I'll pay for drinks later?"

Selina huffed.

"I'll take ya outta dinner at one of those fancy places?"

"Somehow, I think Ivy won't let me live through that."

And lightbulb. Harley's eyes went wide with excitement. "Oooh, maybe you can drop by afterwards and have dinner with us then! Ive said she's gotta big surprise!"

Selina blinked. Then again. "I'm sorry…did you just invite me to some weird sex thing?"

"Wha-" Harley shook her head, "No. Ive said she had something planned for dinner."

And maybe it was a sex thing, it'd sure felt like it could be a sex thing (Oh who was she kidding? It was definitely 90% a sex thing) but Ive was also a really, REALLY good cook and maybe that was the surprise she had planned. Either way, Selina didn't need to know that.

"Come on, Selly! Please please please pleaseplease pleasepleasepleaseplease – "

"OKAY, OKAY! I'll help you!" Selina rose from the couch, her hands over her ears. "Jesus fucking Christ, how does Ivy put up with all this?"

"Oh, I make up for my annoying habits in other ways," Harley wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Selina gagged. "Harley, I swear to God if this turns out to be some gay sex thing, I will drop off the face of the fucking Earth. Do you understand?"

"Peachy!" She hefted her canister from the floor. "Come on, Kitty. We gotta a lot of work to do!" And then, "Oh, can you also call your boyfriend?"

One public service announcement, courtesy of Batman, later

Gotham City Park was swarming with crazed plant people. She'd managed to count maybe a hundred and twenty, but they kept moving around and falling over like sentient but dumb dominos, so it wasn't terribly accurate.

Selina whistled beside her. "You know, if this had all been some sort of plan on Ivy's part, it would have turned the city upside down."

Harley couldn't help but agree, with a hint of pride, of course. Shame though, cause Ivy had decided to abandon all her plots to take over the city years ago. "It's really a waste, huh?"

"So how do we do this?"

Harley hefted up the canister and grinned, "We squirt em." She pointed to a particularly antsy group, "I'll start there, you make sure they don't run off or anything. Should be easy peasy."

Now, dear reader, if you have learned anything from this long, sordid, complicated tale, it is that things are usually not so easy peasy after all. In this case, the idiots – meaning the crazy half-plant people – thought running was the best course of action. Granted, they thought they were being sprayed by the admittedly even crazier Clown Queen of Crime, but gosh, she was just trynna help, that's all!

But no, rather than accept their shortcomings and seek help, they had the genius idea of trying to escape through the sewers of all places, which meant a solo – Selina had decided she wasn't being paid enough (or at all) for this shit – trek through the swampy waters, a flashlight in one hand and the spray nozzle in the other.

"Fucking fuck, remind me never to do something this stupid again."

"Duly noted." Selina piped in, right on cue. Leave it to her to be a constant Debbie-Downer.

"Quinn, take a right. You should find some of them hiding behind the wall." (Oh yeah, Bats agreed to help. Something about not quite trusting her to keep the situation from escalating. Honestly, what kinda friend was he?)

"Thanks, B-Man." She turned the corner with a "hi-ya", surprising the people who'd taken refuge there and squirting them with the antidote. They shrieked something awful, but then the juice started working its magic and they began shrinking back down to humans and then, they turned and ran, crying for mercy as they fled.

"Ungrateful little weasels. I just saved them from spending the rest of their lives being a dog's toilet."

"Kinda unfair to expect gratitude from them when you're the reason they ended up that way." Selina had really taken this whole bit to heart, hadn't she? "Speaking of which, we've got another runner."

Shouts of 'Hey, come back here!' could be heard from the other end of the earpiece. And then- "Yeah, I couldn't catch him. I think he's coming your way, Harley."

"Ugh, fucking hell, what part of 'stay put or you become a tree' do they not understand?"

She could feel Selina's smug smirk through the walkie talkie. "Maybe the part where they're being chased down by Harley fucking Quinn.

Harley wasn't sure whether to be proud or scoff at the remark, but on the plus side, she was basically done spraying everyone and it was getting awfully close to sunset. "Hey, Kitty, ya still up for drinks later?"

About two seconds later, it dawned on her that she was being a tad rude, "I'd invite ya too, Bats, but I don't think Ivy'd appreciate your whole vibe…"

Okay, that still sounded kinda mean. "I mean, I told her we were friends and she got a little huffy. Actually, she got a lot huffy, but that's neither here nor there. Point being, ya can come if ya wanna, but fair warning and all is what I'm saying."

There was an imperceptible cough, and then, "…Thanks, but I'm busy later." The line clicked shut.

"Gee, is he always so verbose?"

Selina chuckled, "Relax, Harls, if he talked to you as much as you say he did that night, then he's basically agreed to be your best man already. And don't forget, he didn't deny the whole friends thing either."

Her mood substantially improved by that solid point, Harley hurried off to catch the rest of the plant zombies.

Gotta remember to tell Ive about the whole best man thing too.

"Hey Sel, ya wanna be a maid of honor?"

Harley hurried up the stairs, eager to lay eyes on her lady love and maybe do some other things…but ya know, after Selina left and all. Probably.

She could be a good friend if she wanted to, okay?

Example A: She really, really had wanted to take the elevator, but Selina had insisted there was no way she'd stand beside her in a tiny box when she smelled like gutter gunk, so here she was, taking the steps three at a time like a good friend before shoving the door to their floor open with a flourish.

"Ta daaaa- OH! Wow! I did not expect to see that!"

Bodies. So many bodies. Most of them ripped apart in half and bleeding on the floor, but some were dangling from the ceiling as well, attached to light fixtures and draped over potted plants like weird, morbid Halloween decorations.

But she knew they weren't Halloween decorations.

One, cause it wasn't Halloween, yet, which was a real downright shame, if you asked her, but that was neither here nor there.

And two, they were all Two-Face's people.

She heard the door creak behind her. "I know you're horny, Harley, but the least you could do was wait for me to….oh." Selina appraised the situation, and then turned to the jester. "Well, when you said Ivy had a surprise for you, I did NOT expect it to be this…gruesome."

Her heart fell as she realized the danger she'd left her girlfriend in. "IVY!"

She ran – well, carefully made her way to the door and began pounding on it. "Ive! It's me! Open up!"

But the door wasn't opening and Ivy wasn't responding and she could feel her heart threatening to jump out of her throat because even though she was surrounded by a bunch of dead goons, that didn't mean all the goons had been killed and maybe they'd captured Ive and were holding her in some dank, depressing warehouse and she had to go rescue her before they did something awful and –

"Hold on, Ive! I'm coming for you!"

She was just about to bolt out the hallway when the door swung open, and…

Well, Ivy looked fine.

Heck, she looked fine fine. Like so fine that honestly, could you believe this woman who was currently leaning against the doorframe and dressed in that tantalizing, and selectively revealing silk robe had just massacred a bunch of goons/henches? Like so fine that….

Okay, you probably got the picture.

Harley's jaw dropped.

Ivy purred. "Harls, Selina."

But apparently that was all she needed to do because Selina raised her hands in a strangely triumphant but dismayed manner.

"I knew it! I knew this was a weird sex thing!" Before either of them could say anything, the cat burglar was walking away, mumbling under her breath about insatiable, inconsiderate lesbians and how she wasn't sure which she preferred, the gore or the sex thing.

Ivy raised one perfect eyebrow at the blonde, "Are you gonna follow her?"

"Hell no. I wanna see what this is all about." She wasn't sure what she was referring to, the violent mess or…Ivy.

But it seemed Pam had come to some sort of conclusion herself. She shrugged.

"Oh, it's nothing really. Turns out we're at war with Two-Face."

She smiled seductively, "Come on in."

"So, care to explain how we ended up at war?"

"It seems Dent was rather peeved about the way I treated his men the other day, so he sent a larger army to continue the game, I suppose." Ivy shrugged, "What can I say? It's not my fault they didn't know how to play. On the other hand, you definitely don't have to worry about keeping your promise to Frank. My babies will be fed for weeks."

Harley just stared in awe, maybe even drooled a little. "God, do you have any idea how hot you are right now? Like, fuck Ive, that was so sexy."

Ivy twirled a hair shyly, coyly. It was insane how the woman could be a seductive dominatrix one second and then promptly become a teenager with a large crush the next. "Really?"

"Yeah, I really, really wanna kiss you right now." Harley began leaning in, her eyes locking onto Ivy's glowing green ones, and drawing closer and closer and –

"Nope." Ivy wrinkled her nose and pulled away.

"Aww man," She snuck a whiff of her armpit, "Don't tell me it's the swamp smell."

"Yes, that, and I don't want to seem impolite in front of company."

"Company?"

Ivy wordlessly gestured to the living room. Harley followed her gaze, only to find -

"Wait, what's he doing here?"

"I was hoping you could tell me," Ivy replied none too excitedly. "He came in here mumbling about how you'd offered him a place to stay and how I don't mind strays and Harls, what exactly were you thinking? We're criminals, not a charity organization."

"But he's my fan, Ive! He's the one I was trynna save from Two-Face's gang. And now that we're at war with him, don't we owe it to the kid to offer him sanctuary during this time of crisis? He's a refugee-"

"Untrue."

"A sailor without a ship. A mermaid without a rock to lay on. A rockstar without a band." Harley was deep in it now, "And wouldn't you know it, with us, he's finally found what he's been looking for all along, a-"

"Harls, if you say he's found a place to call home, I swear to God!-"

"But Ive," Harley was pouting now and doing that adorable doe-eye thing that drove her to insanity, "He won't be too much trouble. And he kinda reminded me of me, ya know. Misguided but not evil."

"Who called you misguided?"

"Batsy did. Oh, also, he's gonna be my best man –"

"Wait, what?!"

"Probably, but we can work out the deets later, but please please Ive, can't we keep him? The kid's gonna be no trouble at all and…"

Now that she'd gotten closer to the kid, she noticed something was off.

Forget not being much trouble, the kid really wasn't being much of anything. Just sitting upright on the couch, staring at nothingness, not acknowledging anyone's words or their presence. It was kinda creepy.

She waved a hand in front of his face.

No response.

She flicked his cheek with her finger.

Nothing.

She even checked under his nose to see if he was still breathing.

At least he was still doing that, thankfully.

She looked to Ivy. "Didja kill him too?"

"What?! NO!" Ivy looked appalled. "Of course I didn't. I-I just…." She trailed off, uncharacteristically flustered. "Well, see, it's just that…maybe he's just tired or something."

"He looks like he's seen a ghost, Ive." She looked back with growing concern, "Wait, ya didn't kill the goons in front of him, didja? Cause I really didn't wanna traumatize the poor kid. Let him grow up all normal like, ya know?"

"No….The goons came after. They didn't even make it into the apartment." Ivy was wringing her hands in a weird way, almost like she was ashamed of something.

"Well, what the heck happened then?"

Pam took a deep breath. "Look…to be fair, it was almost dinner time and I-I didn't expect anyone else to be at the door. And I figured you'd be here as fast as you possibly could so I didn't bother checking or anything, but I definitely really should have, in hindsight, cause…" She huffed suddenly, a fit of anger overtaking her, "Well, how was I supposed to know an actual kid would show up?! And how the heck did he even know where we were hiding?"

Harley found herself simultaneously amused and confused by the rambling. "Ive, you're not making any sense."

"For fuck's sake…!" She just gestured to the robe. "I-I decided to seduce you when I opened the door, so I…left the robe off. Okay?!"

Harley blinked. "Did you flash a 15-year-old?"

"NO!" Pam shot a glare at the kid and hissed back, "He's not 15, ok? Maybe like 17. And it's not flashing if I didn't mean to do it, Harls!"

Harley had to admit she wasn't being too empathetic about Ivy's predicament, choosing instead to jump up and down with absurd disbelief and a lot of giggling. "Oh my god, then you totally did flash him!"

Ivy covered her face and groaned aloud, "God, I knew telling you would make it a whole lot worse… Honestly, I think I preferred it when you were just jealous instead."

Harley managed to stop snickering, but just long enough to pat Ivy on the shoulder, "It's okay, Ive. To be fair, it's when they stop losing their mind that ya gotta be worried." She winked, "Good thing is, ya do that to me every time I see ya."

And then, her brain caught up to the situation and promptly ground to a halt. "Wait, are you telling me you're going completely commando under that thing right now?"

A smirk slid onto Ivy's face, her eyes gleaming once more with that alluring satisfaction. "Maybe I am." Her voice dropped an octave. "Would you like to check?"

Fuck that was hot.

"Yeah, I take it back. This is way sexier than like 3 minutes ago." Harley found herself leaning in again, licking her lips in anticipation, ready to receive the kiss she'd basically been waiting all day for… when Ivy pushed her back. Again.

"Nope, still can't do this. You still really, truly need that shower, Harls." She stole a sheepish glance at the kid, who still hadn't budged or blinked, like at all. "Also, we should probably take this inside. I can't traumatize the poor kid anymore than I already have."

Blue eyes became impossibly brighter. "So we're keeping him then?"

Ivy let out a snort, "We'll talk later, Harls. Shower first."

It was Harley's turn to bat her eyelashes. "Only if ya join me, Ive."

Ivy rolled her eyes but acquiesced, letting the eager jester lead her to the bathroom.

"OOH, once we're done with dinner, can we go and kill Two-Face?"

"Sure babe, whatever you want."