"I don't know when, exactly, I knew that life was never going to be the same. The world didn't shatter, and winds of destruction never came tearing through. It's actually a beautiful day, the sun is shining, and it's a brilliant orange orb in the bluest sky I've ever seen. It's been a bitter winter, well, at least for a good ole' Southern gal like myself. The days have been starting to feel like Spring, and this one is the definition of 'perfect'. I escaped into the woods early this morning. It's sorta become my ritual. Whenever the voices get too loud inside my head, when life inside the mansion becomes too chaotic, or on days like today, I just need a moment to center myself again. It's been my escape, and to this day I don't know how much of that is ME and how much of that is the LOGAN in me.
It's funny, this all REALLY started when things ended with Remy.
Things had been going badly, and as a favor to both of us I had ended it. I can pinpoint when we started growing apart. The 'Carol incident' (as I'd taken to calling it) had put a serious hurt on us, but I suppose I should start at the beginning.
When I'd first gotten to the school I was head over heels in love with Logan. I'm sure most people thought my "crush" started after that night in his room, but they would be wrong. It started when I saw him in that cage…. All those muscles, and the sweat, and the belt buckle that just SCREAMED for attention, but THAT is a story for another time. Eventually I accepted that things would never work between me and Logan, and neatly filed my fantasies of a white picket fence, 2.5 kids plus dog, away. There was an ill fated dalliance with Bobby, or rather, the teenage hormone induced attraction to untouchable skin, and a girl desperate for any sort of human contact. Not my greatest moment of judgment or clarity, I'll admit, but it was something that every young girl goes through and skin be damned, I was determined to experience. My "relationship" with Bobby lasted through two make-out sessions that had me feeling like left overs due to the excessive amount of saran wrap, a carefully placed hickey, and one growled out threat by Logan during a particularly brutal training session.
For a while after our breakup, I lived the life of a nun, and for once it wasn't because of my powers. I'd finally managed some semblance of control but all the boys were either gay (Bobby and St. John eventually got tired of hiding their relationship and came out of the closet officially), or afraid of being impaled on three rather sharp, rather pointy, claws. It wasn't until Remy came around that my romantic life got really interesting, considering that everyone had possessed a healthy fear of Logan. Everyone except Remy that is. The thief with the red eyes and body of a Greek God didn't seem phased by anything, flirted with everything, and feared nothing, least of all Logan. He had flirted with me like he flirted with all the girls. I refused to take any of it to heart until Kitty mentioned one day that the flirting had diminished to almost nothing, much to the chagrin of all the other unattached females in residence, except with yours truly. My very disinterested reply of "Oh really?" was anything but, and Operation: Queen of Hearts was launched.
It wasn't long before Remy and I were an "official" couple, and it wasn't until Logan caught us in the hallway, with Remy's hand up my shirt, that Jubes started taking bets on how long it would be before he got me in the sack. For once I was deliriously happy, and there was no impending doom on the horizon. Since the day I became an X-Man (I'm still trying to convince the Professor to change that to X-Person, for the sake of being politically correct of course.) it seemed as though we struggled against an unending stream of bigoted idiots trying to kill All the Mutants in the World, or some low life with a God complex tried to re-shape the world in his image. You would be amazed how many egocentric assholes there are in this line of work, and there was always some cockroach willing to crawl out of his dark hidey hole to wreak havoc on our lives at the most in-opportune time. When we had two whole months of peace and quiet, we should have known something was coming.
It wasn't as if we'd stopped training, and since Logan had taken over self defense he pushed us harder than ever. I wouldn't call him a conspiracy theorist, Lord knows anyone who's survived what Logan has would be slightly paranoid, and he was normally dead on when he predicted "trouble was brewing." That trouble came in the form of The Friends of Humanity. Remember what I said about cockroaches? They definitely fall under that category. The slimy bastards kidnapped this little girl whose only "crime against humanity" was the ability to make flowers bloom and her vibrant pink hair. We got the call from the Professor and Jean when they were alerted by the poor girls' desperate parents, sobbing on the news and pleading for the return of their little Angel. The team suited up, and got on the Blackbird with the excitement that precedes a funeral. The general population thinks that, because we're mutants and we have these flashy powers, that we're stronger than everything else. We can't be touched, can't be hurt, can't be killed, but the fact of the matter is, we're still human. The scariest part about facing a group like the FoH is that they thrive on hate. Pure, unadulterated hate. It's a powerful thing, and while our powers have limits, hate doesn't. You try going up against someone that would kill you as soon as look at you because of something you had no control over, all the while trying not to damage them TOO badly because we're the super heroes, the good guys, and we do the tough jobs that no one else wants to do, because it's the RIGHT thing to do. : Sigh: I tell ya, we deserve a damn raise.
I don't remember much about the flight, Scott was giving his usual speech that I about had memorized at that point. Remy was holding my hand, and Logan was pacing with an unlit cigar hanging out of his mouth. When Scott got to the part about "We're the X-MEN, we stand for everything GOOD about Humanity" in his booming 'fearless leader voice', I nudged Remy in the ribs and mouthed a silent "Blah blah blah" that got a chuckle out of 'Ro and a silent glare from Jean. We were all thinking it, I just said it. He was finally wrapping up as Ororo prepared us for touchdown, and Remy's grip tightened on my hand. It was a ritual we developed in our time together, joined hands and whispered "I Love You's" before we embarked on whatever mission we were taking on that day. It was always immediately followed by a, "Be careful out there kid" from Logan, and more anal retentiveness from Scott about mission objectives and such. That day was no different, but I couldn't help the knot of fear that had formed in my stomach as we crept through the woods that would lead us to the house that "Angel" was being held in.
We weren't prepared for the ambush, and we sure as hell weren't prepared for the mutants we were facing. We'd gone in expecting to get a little girl from FoH and came out the other side of a Brotherhood trap. It was there I came face to face with Carol Danvers, and it was there that another little part of me died. I couldn't really be called 'innocent', but I'd never killed anyone. Somehow, during the battle, that bitch had gotten a hold of Logan and it was either him, or her. My choice was made before I realized I had my gloves off. I don't remember much of what happened next, just bits and pieces that the others have told me. I'm thankful that I can't remember, because even those small tidbits make me sick inside.
When I woke up in the med lab, I knew something was terribly wrong. For one, I was in restraints, and the haggard faces of two very handsome men were sleeping on either side of me. Now normally the sight of both Logan and Remy sleeping next to me, would have been something out of my wildest X-Rated fantasy, but restraints and a padded cell were never part of that, no matter HOW much alcohol I'd consumed. My waking up hadn't gone unnoticed, and I'd been rewarded with a pair of hazel eyes that were fairly swimming with concern. When he told me what had happened I couldn't stop the tears that came pouring out of my eyes, it's not everyday you kill someone after all.
The fact hit me like a stone, I was a killer.
I had permanently absorbed someone else, decimated a life with nothing more than my bare hands. My biggest fear had come true, and deep inside, I had no regrets. Had I not done it, Logan would be dead. I didn't know which thought scared me the most at the time, the fact that I didn't regret what I'd done, or that Logan might have died. When it was determined that I was really "Myself" again, Logan released the restraints that kept me down, and held me as I sobbed. Sometime during my emotional breakdown, Remy had woken up and taken Logan's place as my human tissue.
I have to give him credit, Gambit tried. He tried desperately to understand what I was going through, but it was the ghost of Carol that ultimately became our undoing. While I had waged a war for my body and won, Carol was still very much a part of me. I couldn't assimilate her like I had with others I'd touched because I had her full mind. During my battle, both the Professor and Jean had helped build a sort of psychic prison to help me contain everything that was Carol Danvers. I still had moments where she would slip through the bars so to speak, but it had gotten easier to control, and as I learned to control the new powers that I'd acquired, I'd also learned to shut her voice out. There were whispers from some of the students about me, and about what I'd done. Remy tried to ignore them, tried to go back to the way things were before I'd absorbed Carol, but nothing was the same after that. He could never quite understand what it felt like to live with the knowledge that I had taken the life of another human being. I found myself talking to Remy less and less, and Logan more than ever before. Logan and I had already shared a bond, I knew him better than anyone else in the mansion, maybe anywhere. I'd been inside his head, I'd been witness to the horrors of his life and I'd shared his nightmares. This was a nightmare that HE now shared with ME. Logan understood what I was going through, understood what it was to have blood on your hands, and when the others whispered I knew he understood THAT too. In the end Carol wasn't the only one who died, as the whole ordeal proved to be the death of my relationship with Remy.
Losing Remy hurt, and if it hadn't been for Logan, I probably would have drowned in my own self pity. It was in those first few weeks after the demise of Gambit and Rogue that I realized, the feelings for Logan I thought I'd filed away, were just as strong as ever. He'd always been my shoulder to cry on, my pillar of strength and never ending support, and God I loved him for it. As much as I had pretended to resent whenever he'd run off a potential date, if I'd been honest with myself I would have recognized the secret hope that it was in fact JEALOUSY that caused him to do it. For years I dreamt of the day he would stop seeing me as the kid he very nearly left on the side of the road, of the day he would see me as a woman, and a desirable one at that. When I started with Bobby I still harbored my secret dreams, and when I started with Gambit I was resigned to the fact that the most I could hope for was Logan's acceptance of me as an equal.
Over time, things at the mansion settled back into what was considered normal for all of us. I found a new 'normal' with Remy, instead of a 'Good Morning Kiss', we exchanged a smile and casual pleasantries. I started training again and going on missions once it was determined that I had sufficient mastery over my newly acquired strength and ability to fly. I'd also inherited invulnerability so there was no real fear over me getting hurt, but it wouldn't do to accidentally break a teammate's ribs instead of gently pushing them out of harms way. Logan and I also settled back into our normal after-training-session routine of a cold beer, a cigar, and a hockey game. I'd stripped out of my leotard as I adjusted the water temperature, and was going over the mistakes I'd made in the simulated battle. Our training session that evening had been intense and I'd been busy reflecting on it as I stepped out of the shower. So busy, that I'd completely forgotten I'd left my door unlocked. I don't know who was more surprised when I walked out in nothing but a towel, me or Logan. Logan, who at that moment, had been casually lounging on my bed like he belonged there before lifting that damn eyebrow of his in a smirk. I regained my composure quickly. If Logan wasn't fazed by my next to naked body, why should I act like a flustered teenager?
"Do ya EVER knock Logan?"
"On occasion. Normally people lock their doors when they aren't prepared for unexpected company."
Have I mentioned that he's a smug bastard?
But, if he wanted to play, I was up for a challenge. I turned my back to him as I began digging through my dresser, one hand holding onto my towel.
"Were ya gonna turn around so I can get dressed, or just enjoy the show sugah?" I emphasized my question by lowering my towel to the small of my back and throwing him my best 'Over the Shoulder Look of Seduction'. I hadn't been expecting the look that crossed the features of the man I knew so well. In that moment something changed, and things became deadly serious. I'd seen that look on Logan's face before, but it had never been directed at me. It was the look he'd reserved for Jean when we first arrived. It was a look of pure desire, and as realization dawned on me, Logan attempted to school his features into the calm mask of before. I might have thought I'd imagined it, but his eyes were dark and his body was tense. Gone was the relaxed and friendly atmosphere of minutes ago, in its place was sexual tension so thick you could choke on it if you took a deep enough breathe. When I look back on it now, I'll never know what made me so brazen. Left over adrenaline from our danger room session, hormones, years of un-requited love, or maybe, I was half naked and I had Logan in my bed. I had turned around to face Logan who was studying something on the wall beyond me, determined to make the most of whatever it was that had possessed me.
"Logan," my breathe came out in a whisper, "look at me."
It was when his eyes met mine that I dropped the towel, and closed the space between us.
I could almost hear the snap as whatever control Logan had, shattered inside of him. He was up and standing in the space of a heartbeat, and his lips were pressed against mine. His hand pressed against my back, pulled me into him, while his other hand tangled in my hair. He'd lowered me onto the bed, hands cupping my face, before asking me if I was sure that this, that HE, was what I wanted. I answered with the only thing I could, I kissed him again.
When I'd woken up the next morning I prayed that the man next to me wasn't a dream. I got my answer when his arm tightened around me in response to my movement. I don't think we left my bedroom at all that day, and only left long enough that night to get something to eat. We'd made love again, and talked. We talked about everything from the day we met in Laughlin City; to the day he realized he loved me. He told me how he'd been waiting for me to grow up, and then, how he'd almost left when he thought I was happy with Remy. The morning after that saw Logan moving the few items he'd accumulated into my room, and the questions we'd been expecting never came. It's been the happiest year of my life. I have everything I could ever need, everything I've ever dreamed of. And now, now I have you."
Logan watched as Marie rubbed a hand across her abdomen from the line of trees leading back to the dirt path. He'd sensed the change for weeks, but Marie had taken the test that morning. When Jean confirmed it, he'd fairly beamed with pride. In the chaos that was their life together, they'd achieved a sense of normalcy. Logan thanked whatever deity he hadn't pissed off yet and cleared his throat to announce his presence. Marie looked up at him from the fallen log she'd been sitting on, startled out of her revelry, and rewarded him with a smile.
"How long ya been standing there sugah?" she asked as she rose to her feet.
"Long enough," he answered as he put his jacket over her shoulders "come on in darlin', it's getting cold out here."
Marie simply smiled again as they made their way in comfortable silence back to the mansion.
-End-