Hogwarts: The Musical
By: Rachel Hajducko
One day in potions class, a certain fallible Gryffindor (Neville) mixes a potion incorrectly and effects everyone in the room (even the potions master himself). Before they know it, they are expressing their confusions in lyrical greatness! What's worse is this "musical" potion seems to be contagious and before long, all of Hogwarts is singing and dancing up and down the hallways. Can they find an antidote before it turns into a full-blown stage show?
Songs to be used and people they're sung by:
Oops! I did it Again – Neville
Stop in the Name of Love – Hermione
Look of Love – Snape, Hermione, Harry, and Ron
Safety Dance – Dumbledore
Puff: The Magic Dragon – Harry
Hair – Everyone
War – Harry and Malfoy
Because of You – Snape
Wonderful World – Ron to Hermione
Henry the 8th – Harry
They're Coming to Take me Away – McGonagall
Hips Don't Lie – Neville
Into the Night - Snape
I Feel Pretty – Dumbledore
La Vie Boheme - Everyone
She's Always A Woman To Me - Snape
First Sign: Tickle in the Throat
It was no more than an ordinary school day in Hogwarts-as ordinary as one might find it, I suppose; the potions class was in full swing with students keenly focused on correctly completely their task, the professor looming over their shoulders with a harsh eye for detail. As the practice session neared a close with most of the pupils being successful, one unlucky classmate still fumbled with his ingredients tediously.
"Mr. Longbottom, would you care to explain why you've chosen to hold up the class with your tardiness?" Severus Snape sharply asked, glaring at the jumpy boy who jerked nervously at the deep tone of loathing in the teacher's voice.
"I…I'm not sure if I've mixed it right, I don't want it to explode or-" Neville Longbottom stammered until Snape came and rested his hands on the desk before him, saying snidely, "or make your skin crawl with boils? Let's find out, shall we? Finish the potion before I grow too old to remember where I am." Swallowing hard, Neville slowly poured a green liquid into the cauldron before him, shielding his face in case it should decide to have any adverse effects. When nothing happened, he looked into the cauldron, looking surprised.
"That's it? It's suppose to give off a blue smoke, obviously you did something wro-" Before Snape could continue his comment, wild sparks of all colors swirled up from the surface, flying through the air and popping into hundreds of little fireworks that rained down on the classroom. The children were up in a roar, half-frightened and half-amazed by the display his potion put on. Snape swatted the sparks away and charged toward Neville, shouting, "What on earth did you put in there, you dunderhead! I've never seen such a reaction, I hope that is all it does!" Neville stood, pushing back the chair and looking horribly girlish as he sang,
"Oops!...I did it again.
I played with your art,
got lost in the game,
oh baby, baby."
The whole room stared in dumbstruck silence as if thinking he had inhaled too many fumes from the cauldron full of mysterious potion.
"I…beg your pardon? Did you call me a baby?" Snape's eye twitched as he leaned over the desk and glared at Neville who let out a yelp.
"N-no! I-I didn't mean it!" He cowered.
"Then why did you say it? And why were you singing? Do you think this is a joke, Longbottom!" Snape barked.
"You see my problem is this,
I'm dreaming away,
Wishing that heroes, they truly exist."
"That would explain your obvious lack of interest in getting anything right in my class." Snape huffed.
"I cry, watching the days,
Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways.
But to lose all my senses,
That is just so typically me."
"I believe you've lost more than your senses. I've had enough of your childish behavior, come with me! I ought to take you to my office and show you some proper respect!" Snape walked around the desk and grabbed Neville by the arm, giving him a hard jerk in the direction of the door.
"STOP!" Hermione Granger shouted after him before suddenly doing a dance and continuing,
"In the name of love!
Before you break his arm,
Think it over."
She stopped and looked curiously surprised by her reaction, looking herself over before staring at the shocked professor now looking quite profoundly astonished.
"Have you got Mr. Longbottom's toad down your cloak, Ms. Granger, or did you feel the need to join him in his punishment?"
"I…I don't know what came over me! I wasn't trying to mock you, sir, honest!" She apologized quickly, shocked and embarrassed as students snickered uncontrollably.
"Hermione! What are you thinking?" Ron Weasley hissed to her. She was flush by now as she added, "It felt like something took over and made me do it, maybe it's Neville's potion!"
"Don't make such ridiculous claims, Ms. Granger, there's no such potion known in the history of wizardry." Snape remarked rather matter-of-factly.
"But what if-" She tried to insist.
"You can't make things so by saying them, Ms. Granger, you mustn't always think you're right because you've read all the books cover to cover.
"When your world is full of strange arrangements,
And gravity won't pull you through,
You know you're missing out on something,
Well that something depends on you."
"Bloody 'ell, now he's singing!" Ron exclaimed as the rest of the class expressed the same sentiment with stares and dropped jaws. But they were more surprised when he continued to sing to Hermione.
"All I'm saying, it takes a lot to love you.
All I'm doing, you know it's true,
All I mean now, there's one thing.
Yes one thing that turns this grey sky to blue.
That's the look."
Hermione looked confused as she asked, "Who's got the look?"
Shrugging and waving her off with an exasperated sigh, "I don't know the answer to that question."
"Where's the look?" Harry Potter chimed in.
"If I knew I would tell you!" Suddenly, Snape seemed to realize that he was singing as well as his eyes widened. With a quick set of blinks, he said, "Did I just…sing?"
"Wasn't half bad either, professor, ever thought of taking lessons?" Draco Malfoy said, trying to earn some Brownie Points.
"Well, I had considered it in my youth-what? NO! I don't know what mischief you've brewed up but I'll have you exposed to the headmaster! All of you, follow me!" Snape stormed out of the classroom with all of his students in tow, Neville being drug along by the arm.
"Something tells me this isn't going to end well." Ron whispered to Harry who seemed in agreement.
Second Sign: Rhythm in your Soul
Snape rapped sharply on Headmaster Albus Dumbledore's chamber door, impatiently awaiting his response to come in. The heavy wood door swung open and Snape pushed into the room, followed shortly by his confused class.
"Ah, Professor Snape, what brings you to see me? And with your whole class, no less." Dumbledore peered at them all over his shoulder as he tended to his phoenix.
"One of my 'charming' little students has decided to cast a spell on my class and hasn't the nerve to come forward and admit to it." Snape growled, clutching Neville's arm tighter.
"I see…what is it?" Dumbledore strode slowly over to the group with his eyes twinkling curiously at this rather odd situation.
"It seems to have caused everyone in my class to break out into some silly song and dance, even…myself." A few snickers rose from the group and quickly died out when Snape shot a heated glare their way.
"Song and dance, you say? Why I haven't heard of such a spell in all my years, this is quite a find." Dumbledore seemed quite amused.
"A find? I just want it undone right now! If the other schools catch wind of this, see us prancing up and down the hallways humming to ourselves or god-forbid doing some number together…sir, it's not safe, what if we were to get distracted at the wrong moment?"
"Not safe? Why, Severus, it's just a little harmless spell!
"We can dance if we want to,
We can leave your friends behind!"
"Don't tell me…it's contagious…" Snape moaned as Dumbledore began to lightly skip around the group of children, all swaying and smiling as he sang to them.
"Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance,
Well they're no friends of mine!
I say, we can go where we want to,
A place where they will never find,
And we can act like we come from out of this world,
Leave the real one far behind!
And we can dance."
All the students skipped arm-in-arm out of the room following Dumbledore as if he were the pied piper to them, leaving Snape to look shocked and bewildered.
"This is absurd." He groaned, slowly tailing the merry bunch with a miserable attitude about the whole ordeal. A few minutes later after the musical interlude had subsided, Dumbledore walked up to the doors of the Great Hall to find them open. The room was a mess, tables tossed to the side and decorations in shambles with random burn stains here and there. At the head table, they all saw Rubeus Hagrid running toward them, ashen and wielding random weapons and traps.
"My, Hagrid, what happened in here?" Dumbledore asked curiously as the large man lumbered up to him.
"There's been a dragon let loose in the school, I've been huntin' the beast down but it keeps slippin' away. Sneaky little bugger." Hagrid huffed.
"A dragon! Are you joking?" Ron began to panic, after seeing the baby dragon Hagrid tried to raise, he wasn't too keen on seeing a full grown one face-to-face.
"Yeh've nothin' ter worry 'bout! I've got this thing cornered, have it back outside in no time!" Hagrid seemed quite confident in his abilities, but the Slytherin in the group weren't too keen on trusting him.
"Cornered? Well it must be a rare breed of invisible dragon because I can't see it anywhere." Malfoy mocked, laughing at his own joke with the rest of his group.
"Now children, this is no time to discuss it, we'd best get you to the dorm rooms and wait for Hagrid to get rid of the dragon. Off we go!" Dumbledore had a slight hop in his step as he led the way back out of the Great Hall. Hagrid took up the rear next to Harry and whispered, "Did I just see Dumbledore skip?"
"It's a long story." Harry sighed.
"Let's cut across the court yard from here, it'll be faster." Dumbledore announced, turning a corner and heading toward the grassy open field where students went to relax in their free time. The group came to an immediate stop, staring up at the enormous dragon standing between them and the dorms.
"Oh dear." Dumbledore started to usher the children back inside as Hagrid ran forward to defend the group.
"Kill it!" Malfoy cheered, hopping up and down and pushing his way toward the front of the group to be one of the first back inside.
"Can't, belongs ter a nearby institute, lad. Have ter put it ter sleep!" Hagrid said, wondering how he'd go about it as he had no dragon tranquilizers.
"I have an idea!" Harry ran up to him, "Maybe we can lull it to sleep like with Fluffy!"
"Oy, good idea, Harry! Give er a go!" Hagrid patted him on the back, keeping his crossbow trained on the dragon in case it didn't work. Walking toward the dragon, Harry took a deep breath and began to sing to it.
"Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Little Jackie paper loved that rascal puff
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff."
The dragon began to calm down, lightly swaying as Harry sang to it, to the amazement of the potions class and teachers.
"Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee."
"It's actually working! This potion is good for something!" Ron whispered to Hermione cheerfully.
"Considering I've never heard Harry sing before…maybe that's part of the potion too." She hissed back. Harry finished out the song and found the dragon sitting calmly on its haunches; you would have sworn there was a smile on his face.
"Good job there, Harry! Best get it out o' here before it comes ter its senses." Hagrid said, walking toward the dragon. It suddenly moved and stepped toward them, stretching its nose out and heading for the two.
"Harry, watch out!" Hermione screamed. But to their surprise, the dragon began to nuzzle Hagrid's shoulder with a soft growl, bringing a smile to his face as he exclaimed, "Norbert!"
"NORBERT!" Ron, Hermione, and Harry said in unison surprise. Who knew dragons grew so fast, it was already twice Hagrid's height and they'd only gotten rid of it a year and a half ago.
"Norwho?" Dumbledore asked curiously. They looked at each other nervously and all randomly came up with excuses until Snape interrupted, saying, "I hate to ruin such a confusing reunion but can we please find a counter potion to this? I honestly don't want to hear that hairy gamekeeper start serenading that dragon."
"Yeah, and he smells like he has something growing in all that hair. Why doesn't someone make him cut it?" Malfoy complained. But everyone glared at him as Hagrid's eyes seemed to gleam at the question.
"Oh no." Snape shook his head as he felt it coming a mile away.
Third Sign: Uncontrollable Urges
"He asks me why...I'm just a hairy guy!
I'm hairy noon and night; Hair that's a fright.
I'm hairy high and low,
Don't ask me why; don't know!"
The kids sounded grossed out before surrounding Hagrid and joining his little jig.
"Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair!
Shining, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen.
Give me down to there, hair!
Shoulder length, longer,
Here baby, there mama, Everywhere daddy daddy-"
Everyone's hands shot up in the air and they sang in unison:
"Hair! (hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair)
Flow it, Show it;
Long as God can grow it, My Hair!"
"Let it fly in the breeze and get caught in the trees…" A gust of wind whipped Dumbledore's long silvery locks out behind him as he fought to keep his robes down.
"Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas, a hive for bees!
A nest for birds, there ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder of my-"
Everyone sang the chorus again and soon random other students wandered out onto the field to join the musical number.
"I want it long, straight," Malfoy tossed his hair.
"Curly, fuzzy!" Hermione cheered, her brunette mop bouncing around her shoulders.
"Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty," Hagrid tried to run his fingers through his hair and got stuck several times.
"Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining," Snape cocked an eyebrow as he stuck a pose.
"Gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen," Fred and George Weasley do-se-doed together.
"Knotted, polka-dotted; Twisted, beaded, braided,
Powdered, flowered, and confettied,
Bangled, tangled, spangled,"
"And spaghettied!" Ginny Weasley shouted in her tiny voice. A group of boys began to march in place, saluting Hagrid and singing, "O-oh, Say can you see; my eyes if you can, then my hair's too short!"
"Down to here, down to there,
Down to where, down to there;
It stops by itself!"
"STOP!" If a record were playing, they would have heard it violently scratching to a stop as Professor Minerva McGonagall stalked across the field, robes billowing madly behind her.
"Ah, pleasant timing, Professor." Dumbledore beamed, not amusing the cross woman.
"What on earth is going on here, in the middle of a school day no less! Why aren't you all in class?" McGonagall questioned harshly.
"We're singing, what does it look like?" Fred said bluntly, getting elbowed by Ron who was bopped on the head in turn.
"Let me explain for these witless fools." Snape stepped forward, trying to compose himself after the embarrassing moment in the spotlight, "One of my students fouled up a potion and its had some rather…unexpected side effects."
"We're in a musical!" Ginny exclaimed, dancing around until George grabbed her arm to stop her.
"What? How is this possible, I've never heard of such a thing happening!" McGonagall said.
"None of us have, we were on our way to find a cure but keep being interrupted by random needs to sing about something." Snape glared over his shoulder.
"Yeah, Potter the Powderpuff was singing to that dragon!" Malfoy jeered in Harry's direction.
"Hey, I saw you prancing more than anyone in that last routine!" Harry shot back.
"Honestly! Snape, you must teach your Slytherin children more manners, calling others names is no way to act!" McGonagall scolded.
"And I'd expect Gryffindor to be more mature than they are but they're just as childish!" Snape shot back.
"I think he just insulted both houses with that one…" Ron whispered to Neville who nodded as he stared in awe at the heated argument ensuing.
"Slytherin are blithering fools!" McGonagall shouted.
"Gryffindor are blundering morons!" Snape retorted.
"Fools!"
"Morons!"
"You are!"
"No you are!"
"Oh bother…" Hermione hung her head in shame.
"Look at how childish the head of your house is acting, what a shameful display!" Malfoy said to Harry bitterly.
"Are you blind! Snape's being just as juvenile, you think you're better?" Harry shot back.
"Yes!" Everyone exclaimed at once and the two houses separated to stand behind their house leaders while other houses just stood and watched in wonder. They started toward each other, fiercely chanting, "War! War! War!" Before they could clash, Hagrid jumped between them and shouted,
"War!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing!
Uh-huh."
Dumbledore stood by his side and agreed:
"War! huh-yeah
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing!"
"Say it again y'all!" Ginny screamed. Everyone stared and she shrugged.
Hagrid circled around, turning to each side equally as he sang.
"Listen to me!
War! I despise
Because it means destruction
Of innocent lives.
War means tears
to thousands of mothers eyes,
When their sons go to fight
and lose their lives!"
Now it was Dumbledore's turn again.
"War! It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker.
War! Friend only to the undertaker.
War! It's an enemy to all mankind.
The thought of war blows my mind!"
McGonagall looked across the expanse to Snape and said,
"War has caused unrest in the younger generation,
Induction then destruction-
Who wants to die?"
"War has shattered many a young mans dreams,
Made him disabled bitter and mean.
Life is much to precious to spend fighting wars these days,
War can't give life, it can only take it away."
Snape agreed with McGonagall and they began to join sides for the finale.
"War! Huh!
What is it good for?
You tell me
Say it, Say it, Say it!
War! Huh!
What is it good for?
Stand up and shout it.
Nothing!"
Slytherins and Gryffindors shook hands and called a truce, at least until they could cure this cursed potion accident. By now half the school was in the grassy field taking part in the "musical", and they all herded back inside to search the library for answers.
Fourth Sign: Song Cues
The library was full to the brim with humming and whistling students, all searching for a book that might have something in it about musical potions-they weren't getting much done. Snape turned to leave the library abruptly, saying to Dumbledore as he left, "I'm going to look through the books in my potions chamber, try not to infect the rest of the school with this nonsense."
"Likewise!" Dumbledore chimed in a cheerful note. Shaking his head, Snape fled the room and took off running down the hallway. Moments later, he was rummaging around the shelves of his potions storeroom, hoping to find something to help end the insanity. As he sifted through papers and pushed vials and jars around, a small piece of paper flitted down onto the floor and he stopped to pick it up. Turning it over in his fingers, his heart skipped a beat at the figure staring at him from the photograph. He immediately picked up a pile of papers and shoved it underneath, concealing it as if even he were forbidden to look at it. Resting his head on the edge of the shelf, he rolled onto his back and let out a sigh, muttering to himself, "I thought I wouldn't have to see your face again…you, of all people." Turning again, he rested his hands on the shelf as if he were pinning a person against it, staring at the pile that hide the photo from his view.
"Must you haunt me? Why can't I just be rid of my memory of you forever and move on? No matter what, I will never end up like you, you hear me? Never!" He stepped back, sitting on the edge of the table and hanging his head limply.
"I will not make the same mistakes that you did,
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery.
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard.
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far."
His cold eyes shot up to the shelf again, anger filling them quickly as heat prickled at the back of his neck.
"Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk,
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt.
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me.
Because of you
I am afraid."
Getting up, he passed slowly toward the back of the room, running a hand through his sweaty black hair.
"I lost my way
And it wasn't long before you pointed it out.
I cannot cry,
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes.
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life.
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with!"
Whipping around, he started jabbing the stack of papers, angrily saying,
"I watched you die,
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep.
I was so young,
You should have known better than to lean on me!
You never thought of anyone else,
You just saw your pain.
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing!
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk,
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt.
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything,
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in!
Because of you,
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty.
Because of you
I am afraid.
Because of you…
Because of you."
He fell back against the table again, leaning forward and resting his head in his hands quietly. If he had the will, he would have cried, but he'd lost that ability years ago. A tap rung on the door of the potion closet and he looked up, saying coldly, "Who is it!"
"It's McGonagall, Dumbledore told me to ask you if you'd found anything yet." With a sigh, Snape composed himself, putting the painful memories back into the dark void in the back of his mind before opening the door and letting her in.
"I hadn't found anything of consequence, perhaps if I knew what that foolish child used during my class, I might be able to figure out how to counter it." Snape grunted, randomly searching the shelves.
"Shall I fetch him and see if he remembers?" McGonagall offered. With a sigh, Snape said, "No, I doubt he can even recall why we're running about Hogwarts in such merry spirits."
"Except you, of course." She smirked but looked away at the shelves, fiddling with a vial out of fake interest. Snape narrowed his eyes and glared at her, muttering, "There's no point to being merry, it's utter foolishness."
"Oh Severus, sometimes it's just a refreshing feeling to be yourself and let go! Come now, don't tell me you didn't enjoy any of those little ditties we did earlier. I saw that show you put on during Hagrid's lyrical feat, posing and looking quite…well…"
"Quite what?" Snape's eyebrow shot up in slight amusement.
"I best see if Neville remembers where he went wrong, do return when you're done 'searching'." With that, McGonagall left the room and successfully avoided Snape's question. With a half-hearted and brief huff, Snape shook his head and went back to looking at the potions on their shelves.
Fifth Sign: Getting Lost in the Moment
"Hermione, should we really be breaking off from the others? They did say it was contagious, what if we spread it to the rest of the school?" Ron whined as he followed Hermione down random hallways. Hermione spun around and faced him with a shrewd frown, saying, "No one said you had to come, Ron. Besides, if we find the cure, it won't really matter! Now are you going to keep whining or help me?"
"Fine…but I still think you should of at least told someone you were going." Ron mumbled as they continued on.
"Yes, mother. Honestly, Ron, what's become of that spirit of yours! I thought I was always the one who complained about doing naughty things."
"Shut up!" Ron grumbled, glancing over his shoulder to make sure no one had seen them. They entered the potions classroom and found the abandoned cauldron Neville had mistakenly brewed this disaster in.
"Perhaps there's some clues in the ingredients on his desk…" Hermione mused as she looked over the remains while Ron watched. She suddenly shot up and exclaimed, "I knew it!"
"What? What is it, do you know how to fix this?" Ron clambered over and peered over her shoulder.
"No, but I know what went wrong. Instead of brewing a muting potion, he made a talent potion." Hermione explained.
"Talent potion? Is there such a thing?"
"Well…there is now. See, he mixed this when he should have used this." Hermione showed Ron and his eyes glimmered.
"Oh Hermione, you've saved us all! If you hadn't figured this out, we might have been singing for weeks!" Ron hugged her, nearly knocking her to the floor.
"Ron, get off me!"
"No, because…because I love you!"
"WHAT?" Hermione stared at him wide-eyed as he leapt onto a desk and the lights dimmed in the room, a spotlight shining on him from some mysterious unknown source.
"Don't know much about Astronomy,
Don't know much Arithmancy.
Don't know much about a potion book,
Don't know much about the Divination I took.
But I do know that I love you,
And I know that if you love me, too,
What a wonderful world this would be."
Hermione was speechless, the only thing she could do was stare at him in great surprise and shock. He jumped down, walking toward her as she inched away from him apprehensively.
"Don't know much about the Dark Arts,
Don't know much Herbology.
Don't know much about charms,
Don't know what bubotuber is for.
But I know that one and one is two,
And if this one could be with you,
What a wonderful world this would be."
"Oh, Ron…a bubotuber is used for-" Ron quickly put his finger over her lips and shut her up, saying in a deep voice, "Don't ruin the moment, babe." With raised eyebrows, Hermione listened in anxious silence as Ron took her hands in his.
"I don't claim to be an 'A' student,
But I'm tryin' to be.
For maybe by being an 'A'-student, baby,
I can win your love for me."
"Ron…" He pulled her closer to him, just inches from a tender kiss when…
"What on-what are you two doing!" They both turned to see Snape staring in disgust at their belated display of affection. Blinking, they looked back at each other and leapt away, shouting their revulsion.
"What do you think you're doing, Ron!" Hermione shrieked.
"Me! Why were you looking at me like…like THAT!" Ron shuddered, wiping his hands on his cloak as if there were some hideously infectious germs on them.
"I don't know what you're talking about! You were the one holding my hands, I don't know what you're so disgusted about!"
"But you-"
"ENOUGH! I don't care who was ogling who, I just want you out of my classroom now!" Snape shouted, startling the children into running for their lives. He slammed the door behind them and sighed, stalking over to Neville's desk and examining the contents. With some quick thinking, he figured out what it was that Neville had managed to brew.
"How on earth did he…that's beyond his level! I suppose I should make the cure now, unless…" He glanced around the room to make sure no one was around before brandishing his wand and making the ingredients disappear. With a smirk, he turned and left the room, muttering, "This should be interesting…"
Frustration abounded in the library as no one was coming up with anything of interest, not to mention the musical interludes were getting more frequent and irrational. Currently Harry was zooming around the ceiling on his broomstick shouting a rather obnoxious song without any end in sight.
"I'm Harry the 8th I am,
Harry the 8th I am, I am,
I got married to the widow next door,
She's been married 7 times before,
And every one was a Harry (Harry),
She wouldn't have a Draco or a Ron (no Ron)
I'm her 8th old man I Harry,
Harry the 8th I am!
Second verse, same as the first!"
By now Professor McGonagall was going off her rocker from all the singing and hiding in a corner, slowly swaying and whispering to herself. Snape entered and stopped sharply, staring wide-eyed at how insane it had gotten since he'd left. Quick as a flash, McGonagall ran to him and grabbed his arm, looking wildly at him as she sang,
"Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk
Well you left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa
They're coming to take me away ho ho hee hee ha haaa
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they're coming to take me away ha haaa."
"Alright then…" Snape said, pushing her off and trying to get as far away as he could. Unfortunately, he ran into Neville who was currently dancing atop one of the studying tables, shaking all that he'd been born with.
"I'm on tonight
You know my hips don't lie
And I'm starting to feel it's right
All the attraction, the tension
Don't you see baby, this is perfection."
"Neville, what-nevermind, I don't want to know." Snape walked away, feeling nauseated from the show. He staggered into one of the sections of the library for potions but ran into a couple students confessing their love in ballads of disgustingly romantic content. Shoving between Draco and one of his chubby companions, he reached up to the top shelf, fingering a book into sliding far enough out for his grasp.
"Professor Snape! I've been looking for you everywhere, I wanted to tell you-" Hermione came running up and he put his hand in her face, quieting her at once.
"If you start singing about how much you love me, I won't be responsible for the books I might throw." Snape warned her with a glare. She looked confused then pushed his hand away, saying, "What do you mean?"
"Nevermind, what is it." Snape sighed, going back to fiddling with the book.
"Well, you see…as I was running away from Ron, I ran past one of the doorways out into the field just outside Hogwarts. Do you know that big tree that likes to attack people?"
"Yes yes, go on."
"Well…Professor Dumbledore's singing to it and I'm afraid it'll eat him." Looking suddenly down at her, Snape fell against the shelf in his surprise, knocking the book free. It fell sharply on his head and he stumbled, moaning and holding his head as he collapsed on top of Draco just as he was finishing the fifth bout of his song. Hermione ran to him, helping him up off of Draco as she said, "Professor Snape! Are you alright! Say something!" He looked into her eyes, a mysteriously deep glint in them she'd never seen before. Reaching out a shaky hand, he touched her cheek, whispering, "Lily…"
"Who?" Blinking, Hermione stared in confusion as Snape got off Draco, turning to him and saying,
"She's just sixteen years old,
Leave her alone, they say.
Separated by fools
Who don't know what love is yet."
He took Hermione's hand and looked deeply into her eyes with the utmost fiery passion of his young soul.
"But I want you to know,
If I could fly,
I'd pick you up.
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen, ever seen."
"Oh my…" Hermione nearly passed out from this sudden display of emotions from the harsh potions master she'd come to know, falling into his more than capable arms. He cuddled her close, singing on with a fervor beyond anything the school could have imagined him having.
"It's like having a dream
Where nobody has a heart.
It's like having it all
And watching it fall apart.
And I would wait till the end
Of time for you
And do it again, it's true.
I can't measure my love,
There's nothing to compare it to.
But I want you to know,
If I could fly,
I'd pick you up.
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love…
Oooooh, if I could fly,
I'd pick you up.
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen, ever seen.
Yeah, Ooooooh..."
"Oh, Professor, show me!" Hermione sighed helplessly.
"As you wish…" He flung his cloak over them to conceal what acts he proceeded to commit in the middle of the library with everybody around to see but no one paying any attention to the giggles and moans coming from the potions section.
Sixth Sign: Insanity
"What's going on? Where did everybody go?" Ron came to a stop in one of the long hallways within Hogwarts and noticed one of the doorways leading outside was wide open. Journeying over to it and peering out, he saw a rather disturbing sight across the field. There prancing about and barely dodging the efforts of the whomping willow, Dumbledore was singing to himself and making the tree quite cross.
"I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight."
Dumbledore did a quick pirouette and leap through the air before the willow could manage to slap him clear into tomorrow.
"I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real."
He ran over to a window looking out onto the field, just out of reach of the tree's grasp, petting the glass and looking at his reflection, saying,
"See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!"
"For all that is worth eating in the world…PROFESSOR!" Ron shouted to Dumbledore, breaking his train of song for a moment.
"Mr. Weasley! Come join me, I've found a delighted audience!" He motioned to the tree that was desperately reaching out to choke him to death. Looking unsure, Ron said, "But Professor, there's a much LARGER audience in the LIBRARY! Come and sing to them! They won't try to kill you…"
"What was that?"
"I said they'd be thrilled to hear you!" Ron tried to cover up his last comment, thankfully it worked as Dumbledore came skipping up to him. The tree almost seemed to sigh as Ron shut the large wooden doors, blocking out anymore of the professor's singing. He led the chipper head master back toward the library where everyone was losing their marbles with great precision. Ron spotted Harry dancing with Neville on the table and ran over to him, saying, "Harry, have you seen Hermione? She knows how to fix all of this!"
"I think she went that way, I heard her a few minutes ago screaming something about 'So that's why they call you Snape'. Wonder what that meant…" Ron's eyes widened and he ran toward the potions section, trying to see around the bodies cluttering the aisle.
"Draco, have you seen Hermione?" Ron pulled Draco off the floor and he said, "Oh Ron, you're so commanding, say something else!"
"ARGH! Get away from me, I need to find Hermione!" He pushed Draco away and waded through the people clogging up his passage, calling out to her the whole time.
"SNAPE!" A voice screamed.
"HERMIONE!" Ron shouted back.
"SNAPE!"
"HERMIONE?"
"SNAAAAAAAAAPE!"
"HERMIONE!"
"Ron?" To his horror, Ron saw a moving mass of black cloak on the floor, out from which popped Hermione's head.
"What are you-who's in there with you!" Ron exclaimed.
"Um…no one?" Hermione tried to sneak free but Snape grabbed her and pulled her back, saying, "I'm not done with your private lessons, young lady…"
"SNAPE!" Ron yelled.
"Yes?" He looked out from under his cloak and sighed, saying, "Oh, you. Run along, we're busy."
"I need her for a moment, she knows the cure to this bloody potion!" Ron said, trying to ignore the fact that they'd been up to things he'd rather not think of.
"So do I but you don't see me rushing to make it." Snape responded, ducking back under the cloak and causing Hermione to squeal.
"What the bloody 'ell do you mean by that! Everyone's gone off their bloody rockers and you're bloody well sodding around?"
"Yes…I do believe I am." Snape's muffled response came from under the cloak.
"I won't stand for it! Come out of there, Dumbledore's about to start singing again and from the willow's reaction, I don't think it'll be very pleasant!"
"Dumbledore's going to sing? Why didn't you say something, fool!" Snape leapt to his feet, not really noticing his disheveled appearance as he took off for his potions closet. Hermione adjusted herself as she stood up, saying, "Oh Ron, did you have to ruin all the fun?"
"F-fun! You…you were…I thought you loved me!" Ron cried.
"Funny thing about that, you're kind of…not my type. Well then, best help Snape make those cures!" She tried to trot off to join Snape in the storage room but Ron grabbed her arm, saying, "Oh no you don't, he'll never make them if you're there! Here, hold onto her, Draco!" He flung her into Draco's arms and took off to find Harry.
"Ew, a girl!" Draco exclaimed, recoiling from her and looking rather disgusted.
"Ugh, weirdo." Hermione crawled to her feet and scampered off after Snape, completely ignoring Ron's direct and wimpy orders.
"Harry, Snape's gone off to make the cure, we should make sure he does it and doesn't end up going into another song break!" Ron called up to Harry as he swung lazily upside down from his broomstick.
"Oh, has he? Is that why Hermione's running in that direction?" Harry pointed to her as she skipped out the door. Ron yelped, grabbed Harry's arm, and drug him out the door (still hanging from his broomstick, mind you) in pursuit of Hermione.
Seventh Sign: Closing Comments
"Let's see, a dash of this and a dash of that…I wonder what Lily's doing right now…" Snape mused before shaking his head, "No, must concentrate, can't think of her. Not even her sweet little-"
"Snape, hurry up!" Harry and Ron busted into the potion's closet, slamming the door behind them. Pounding was heard on the outside and Snape cocked his eyebrow.
"What's that?"
"Someone's found a drum, it's getting crazy out there!" Harry lied, trying to cover up Hermione's shouting.
"I see…better finish making this then!" Snape went back to mixing the potion and was one ingredient away from completing it when he stopped and mused aloud, "I just thought of something. If I make this potion, I'll go back to my old self and so will everyone else."
"So! Do you really want to go on singing forever?" Ron exclaimed.
"Well, no, but won't we remember all of this?" They all looked at each other thoughtfully.
"I hadn't thought about that, there's going to be a lot of embarrassed people if we cure them." Harry commented.
"Especially Neville, he's been turning on Draco for the past hour." Snape rolled his eyes, "I always knew there was something wrong with that boy…"
"Who cares! We have to do this, it's for the best." Ron insisted.
"I suppose…but-"
"NO BUTS! DO IT!" Ron yelled and Snape stared at him in surprise.
"Alright, calm down…bugger." He picked up the last ingredient and the cauldron and said, "It'd be best if we mixed these in the library so as to have a stronger effect on everyone. Any wandering minstrels can be collected later and extra cures made to be carried about the school to cleanse it of this disease."
"Right then, let's go! Harry, grab Hermione and take her back to the library on your broom." Ron said before opening the door. A flurry of robes filled the small entryway as the boys wrestled to tackle Hermione and get her on the broomstick with Harry. Within a few moments, they were off with Snape and Ron in hot pursuit. They returned to the library to find everyone practically going mad with song and trying to desperately scream over each other. Running to the middle of the room and doing their best not to break out into song as well, they helped Snape clear an area for the cauldron to rest safely. Just as Snape was readying to finish the potion, Neville appeared on top of one of the bookshelves, shouting, "Dearly beloved we gather here to say our goodbyes!"
"Dies irae - dies illa." Snape turned his attention to Neville, chanting lowly in some foreign language.
"Here she lies, no one knew her worth
The late great daughter of Mother Earth
On these nights when we
Celebrate the birth
In that little town of Bethlehem
We raise our glass - you bet your grass to -
La vie Boheme!"
The students in the room began to swarm around as if taking their places for the beginning of what they were afraid was a rather long finale. They were right.
"La vie Boheme!
La vie Boheme!
La vie Boheme!
La vie Boheme!"
Harry jumped around the room, interacting with the others and singing,
"To days of inspiration,
Playing hookey, making
Something out of nothing!
The need to express-
To communicate,
To going against the grain,
Going insane, going maaaaad!"
Ron joined him, leaning on his shoulder and passing his arm over the air as if presenting the world to everyone.
"To loving tension, no pension
To more than one dimension,
To starving for attention,
Hating convention, hating pretension.
Not to mention of course,
Hating dear old Mom and Daaaaad!"
Hermione tackled Ron and Harry from in between and took them both in a headlock, shouting,
"To riding your bike,
Midday past the three-piece suits.
To fruits - to no absolutes-
To Absolut - to choice-
To the Village Voice-
To any passing fad
To being an us for once ... instead of a them!"
Everyone danced around merrily, spinning and shouting out, "La vie Boheme, La vie Boheme!" Neville caught Ginny's eye from the crowd and waggled an eyebrow in her direction. Spotting him, Greg elbowed his brother, "Ahhemm." Looking up, Fred shouted, "Hey Mister - she's my sister!"
Singing to each other, Ron and Harry said,
"Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion
Creation, vacation."
Snape stepped up and said, "Mucho mastur-"
"EEWWW!" everyone screamed.
"Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it's new.
To anything taboo!
La Vie Boheme!
Le Vie Boheme…"
As the song faded out, Snape came to his senses and said with a deep breath, "So long, sing-a-long." With a quick flick of his wrist, he added the final ingredient and a blinding light filled the room. Everyone fell to the floor in pain, covering their eyes and ears as a shrill sound pierced the air. A second later, it disappeared and the room was deathly quiet.
"Did…did it work?" Hermione asked, her ears still ringing from the sharp sound that came from the potion.
"I think so, I don't feel like answering you with a song." Harry said, starting to get up. Slowly, everyone in the room got to their feet and looked around in confusion and embarrassment.
"Thank goodness, you've saved us all, children!" McGonagall ran up to them, looking less insane than before.
"Actually, it was all Snape's doing, he managed to figure out how to cure us." Ron said, motioning to where Snape had been standing but everyone looked to find he was gone.
"Where'd he go?" Harry wondered, looking around. He caught sight of his black cloak stalking off toward the doorway and guessed he'd come to his senses before everyone else had.
"Professor Snape, wait!" McGonagall called out but he didn't respond as he left the room.
"Snape…" Hermione whispered, hanging her head and trying not to let everyone see her red face. As Snape stalked off to his office to hide away from the settling chaos, he quietly sang to himself,
"She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me…
But she'll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me…
Lily…"
The End.