Right Out of a Hat
When Tsunade gets drunk, she decides that our favorite ninjas should finally get a lovelife. Will these awkward pairings ever get off the ground? Or will they change unexpectedly?
Thinking
"Yelling"
Alrighty then! One last thing. In this story, Haku is a GIRL! G-I-R-L! For the sake of this story's plotline, "SHE" is a GIRL! Good, now that we have that settled...
On with the story!
Chpt 10: What Kakashi's Little Black Button Really Did…
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"Kristy!" Kakashi exclaimed, after some difficulty with his cheesy potato boat. "What are you doing here?" Kristy walked over and grabbed a potato boat herself.
"I love potato boats!" She took a big bite. "Num nums!" She cheered. "Bye now!" She left the room, waving goodbye.
"Well, that was odd…" Asuma scratched his head. "Kakashi, do you know her?" But Kakashi didn't answer. He was still staring at the doorway where Kristy had left.
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Kakashi was all snuggled up in his bed, hugging his pillow like there was no tomorrow. Of course, the covers were pulled up over his face, blocking the view of his mysterious face.
"MY YOUTHFUL RIVAL KAKASHI!" Gai screamed into Kakashi's room. Did I forget to say they had different rooms? Well, the Jounin get separate, individual rooms in their luxury hotel. I mean, think about it. Gai in the same room as Kakashi? Asuma in the same room with Kurenai? Kurenai with all three of them? That's kinda creepy… Well anyways, back to our loudmouthed, oversized green leprechaun. And keep in mind; this is around six in the morning.
"KAKASHI! AWAKEN, AND WE SHALL EXERCISE YOUR YOUTHFUL MUSCLES ON A MORNING JOG!" Of course, as you can imagine, Kakashi sat up rigid in his bed, his normal eye and Sharingan blazing. Of course, he brought the covers up with him to block his face. He grumbled as he saw that it was only Gai bugging him as usual.
"Gai…" Kakashi said hotly, his hands violently shaking the blankets in front of his face. "Do you happen to realize that we are on a VACATION here?" Gai nodded happily, stretching out his limbs in preparation for his youthful morning jog. "And that you woke me up at SIX IN THE MORNING?"
"Yeah, isn't it great?" Gai said, for once not shouting his head off. "We can get in about 600 laps, and then meet our students outside!"
"Two things Gai." Kakashi sighed. "We won't be seeing our students today. Remember? We barricaded them inside the cabins yesterday. They will be forced them to spend time together. They can be let out at noon and we can bring them out to lunch or something."
"And the other thing?" Gai asked.
"Come closer Gai." Kakashi beckoned. Gai took several steps forwards, and fell down a trap door in the middle of the room. "I don't like to be woken up at six AM…" Kakashi collapsed onto his bed once more, the blanket following him down onto his face, yet again, obscuring that beautiful face that we all love to dream about.
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"Kiba! Stop that!" Ten-ten shook him by his shoulders as he crouched in a corner.
"B-But it's getting closer!" Kiba buried his head in his hands as a small black shape came trotting towards them. Ten-ten sighed and smacked her head.
"Kiba, listen it's nothing but a harmless…"
"MOMMY! SAVE ME!" Kiba picked up a lamp and threw it as hard as he could. The small black thing screeched in terror and ran under the bed. Ten-ten then punched Kiba in the face.
"Baka!" She shot him a look of disgust as he clutched at the red spot on his face. Getting down on her hands and knees, Ten-ten carefully brought the tiny, black, and completely traumatized kitten out from under the bed, gently stroking its fur."Poor kitty…" Ten-ten cooed. Kiba let out a girly shriek and scrambled onto the bed.
"IT'S A MONSTEROUS DEMON FROM THE UNDERWORLD!" Kiba shielded his face with a dictionary that he pulled out from behind his back. Something that only a cartoon character should be able to do.
"Kiba, it's just a cat, and a kitten at that." Ten-ten set the cat down on the bed, letting it trot over to Kiba. The curious little furball slightly brushed up against Kiba's shaking arm, and Kiba let out a glass-shattering shriek. He instantly passed out and fell off the bed.
Tem-ten sighed once more and picked up the little cat. Its origins were unknown. only that it had walked through some sort of door that opened from the outside after a loud buzzing sound came from a small speaker in the corner of the room. She shrugged. After all, Kiba was just a dog obsessed loony who believed cuddly little kittens were evil. Her eyes went up into little arches as she squeezed the cat in a hug. She just loved kitties!
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Neji and Temari, on the other hand, had a kitty as well! However, it wasn't nearly as small and cuddly as Kiba and Ten-ten's was. Well, let's just say it wasn't meant to be a house pet.
"Where is it now?" Temari asked. Both Neji and Temari were hiding behind a large barricade of tables, chairs, and the couch. Neji's veins bulged from his face, his Byakugan searching the house.
"It's in the kitchen." He whispered hoarsely. "We should be able to make it to the closet and lock ourselves in."
"The closet?" Temari half screamed, half whispered. "What good will that do us? We should just go out and kill it!"
"We can't do that! The tiger is a protected species!"
"Oh, so now you're an animal activist?" Temari said sarcastically. "Look, let me go and kill it, and then our problems will be over!"
"Oh, just shut up and follow me!" Neji grabbed her by the arm and dragged her into the closet, clicking the lock behind him.
"You do know that a door won't exactly stop a full-grown adult tiger, right?"
"I just need a second…" Neji bent down into his Jyuuken stance, and used a single, chakra infused strike, bringing the wall crashing to the ground. After all, he IS a Jounin. He can do lots of things that Chuunin can't, and he's just wicked awesome that way. "Come on!" He pulled Temari out through the giant hole in the wall, dragged her out onto the front lawn.
But wouldn't you know it? Kakashi's handy dandy 'Barricade Your Children Inside Of A House' kit that comes from his mysterious pouch, came with a large amount of military mines! Oh that Kakashi, what a sadist! What a sadist!
As soon as Neji and Temari set foot on the front lawn, a loud bleeping sound came from nowhere. Neji turned on his Byakugan again and looked down at his feet. His eyes widened in shock, his mouth dropping to the ground.
"Oh my!" Gasped Neji. Then, both he and Temari were caught in a giant explosion that came from underground and threw them up into the sky. "TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" He cried out, waving his arms crazily about.
"Excuse me?" Temari asked, raising an eyebrow. You see, in this kind of situation, raising your eyebrow is actually quite challenging since you're spinning about in the air, completely disoriented. We should award Temari the 'Ability to Raise Eyebrows While Flying Around in the Air' Prize. Actually, who really cares? Temari should really be concentrated with not dying instead of raising her eyebrows all over the place.
"Curses!" Neji whacked his head. "It's the Main Family's fault! It always is! They must be the inventors of that wretched Pokemon show and brainwashed the entire Branch Family!"
"That's not very likely." Temari pointed out. "And if it was then that would mean that Hinata's the heir to the millions of dollars that show has made."
"Just another reason to get rid of her!" Neji exclaimed.
"Wait, I thought that Naruto changed the way you think of the Main Family, and that now you consider Hinata as almost a sister." Temari scratched her head.
"Details details…" Neji dismissively waved his hand. "Wait a second, I do?"
"Yes."
silence
"Damn it! The Main House has foiled me yet again!" Neji almost broke out into tears.
"Say, aren't we falling at an incredibly fast rate towards the ground?" They both looked down and saw the ground coming up faster than the Kentucky Derby. Temari quickly pulled out her fan and spread it out wide. Grabbing Neji's hand, she slowed their decent and glided safely to the ground. They saw that they had landed in some sort of arena with a race track, but ignored it.
"Phew! That was a close call…" Neji sighed.
"Well, it wouldn't have happened if we had just killed the damn tiger in the first place!" Temari huffed.
"Say, do you hear something?" Neji asked, placing his ear to the ground. "Almost like hoofbeats. Wait, hoofbeats?"
They looked up, and saw a bunch of horses and their jockeys speeding around a sharp curve on a race track. OH NO! THEY ACTUALLY LANDED IN THE KENTUCKY DERBY! RUN NEJI AND TEMARI! RUN LIKE THE WIND! Well, what were the chances of that happening?
Neji and Temari screamed and started to run as fast as they could, just barely keeping ahead of the stampeding horses. Three young chance-taking businessmen in the stands instantly placed their bets on different riders. The first bet his money on the bob-tailed nag, and the second bet on the bay. But the third bet his money on the newcomers who were apparently out-running the horses on foot.
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"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHHOOHACOUGHHACKSPEWAHEMAHHHHHHHHHHHHHALLEJULAHHHHHHHHH!" Ino screamed from the bathroom, with an added chorus of hallelujahs in the background.
"What?" Kankurou groaned, pulling his pillow over his head. "Goway… I is sleepy…"
"Kankurou! Save meeee!" She ran out from the bathroom and immediately jumped on him and squeezed him so tight his head exploded into a pile of red ooze and formed a mushy pink pile of ice cream that attached itself to Ino and began to suck her blood like a leech and lay eggs in her stomach along with several hot dogs, but not really.
"Wh-what?" Kankurou asked, feeling rather embarrassed at being so close to Ino.
"It's horrible!" She sobbed onto his shoulder. "All my hair ties are gone!" If Kankurou had been standing up, he would have fallen over anime style. But since he wasn't, he merely fell back on to the bed, whacking his head on the backboard in the process.
"Well then go look for them…" Kankurou grumbled.
"But the nasty, toilet-paper, pus filled, shower-fresh scented toilet monster that comes from the bowels of the sewage system once every month to feed upon the magical hair ties of the Yamanaka family ate them!" If Kankurou had not been the gentlemen he is, or thought he was, he would have started to break out into hysterical laughter.
"Let me get this straight, a toilet monster that smells shower-fresh?" Kankurou asked her.
"Yeah, you wouldn't really expect that from something that came out of the toilet…" Ino shrugged.
"May I ask why I should believe that there is currently a toilet monster that smells shower-fresh in the bathroom?"
"Well, go see for yourself." Kankurou sighed and rolled out of bed. Wearily he pushed open the bathroom door and gagged. There was something that vaguely resembled a soggy wad of 'used' toilet paper filled with pus, accompanied by a faint fragrance of 'shower-freshness', chewing hungrily upon several of Ino's hair ties.
Kankurou quickly shut the door and locked it, his breathing coming in ragged gasps.
"What is that thing?"
"I told you! It's the nasty, toilet-paper, pus filled, shower-fresh scented toilet monster that comes from the bowels of the sewage systems that comes once every month to feed upon the magical hair ties of the Yamanaka family! My sworn enemy…" Ino did that whole fist thing where you bring it in front of your face and clench it tightly and breathe deeply. Almost like Lee showing off his youthfulness, but without the flames in the eyes.
Yes. She really is weird that way.
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Lee wept on Haku's shoulder, while Haku was all like 'stop touching me.'
"HAKU! IT'S HORRIBLE!" Lee blew his nose loudly on Haku's shirt, leaving a rather gooey, yellow substance clinging to the front of her shirt.
"Oh, you didn't…" Haku formed an ice needle in her hand and aimed it right at Lee's face.
Right then and there, time rewound itself, leaving Haku's shirt looking like it had just been cleaned with Oxi-Clean, and Lee sniffling sadly, not a single tissue in sight.
"But H-Haku! It's sacrilege!" Lee held up a photo of Gai with little devil horns, a french mustache, and other common vandalism marks, along with the words: "Gai is not youthful, but in his mid-life crisis!" and Kakashi's signature. "WHO COULD HAVE DONE SUCH A HORRIBLE THING AND LEFT IT ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE?"
"Uh, Kakashi did it." Haku pointed to Kakashi's signature.
"NEVER! GAI-SENSEI'S ETERNAL RIVAL WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A DREADFUL THING!"
"Whatever…" Haku rolled her eyes.
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A high-pitched, girly shriek, along with several explosions rang through cabin five as Shino and Kin ran at light speed around the house.
"WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE THERE EXPLOSIVE TAGS COVERING EVERY INCH OF THIS HOUSE?" Kin screamed, diving under a table as another tag exploded to her left.
"In Buddha's name, you mean." Onish said.
"MAKE UP YOUR MIND YOU CREEPY SPLIT PERSONALITY, RELIGION CONFUSED BUG BOY!" Kin shouted in his ear.
"Hey, I'm right here you know." Onish tilted his sunglasses down, revealing a pair of crystal-clear, icy blue, eyes. "So please don't shout." He said in a much more commanding voice. Kin gulped nervously. Something about his eyes made her want to shut up.
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"I! Can't! Breathe!" Nina rolled onto the floor beside Sasuke, her chest moving up and down, yet no air seemed to enter. Sasuke had passed out already, his head lolling limply to the floor.
Nina coughed twice, but on the third, she couldn't cough at all. Her lungs had been drained of all oxygen whatsoever. Her eyelids finally shut, despite all her efforts, and her head fell to the floor with a soft thump.
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Sakura yawned and sat up, rolling back the covers and scratching her head. She glanced at the clock, and noted that it was 8 AM. Blinking several times, Sakura almost went back to sleep, when she noticed a certain someone sleeping next to her. She almost screamed, called 911, reported a strange red-head person had gotten into her bed and fell asleep like the hobo he probably was, and passed out. But then she realized that it was just Gaara sleeping next to her.
Sakura froze. Beads of sweat beaded on her forehead and trickled down the side of her face as she took another look at Gaara. Yup, there was no doubting it. He was indeed, asleep. Now, if Gaara was a normal everyday person, then him being asleep would be no big deal. But no, sleeping for Gaara is a very bad thing.
The door to the bathroom opened, and Gaara stepped out, wearing a pair of long black shorts and drying his hair with a large white towel.
"B-but you…!" Sakura stared at the person who was in the bed with her. That was Gaara as well. "Y-you! Yo-you're asleep! Right th-there!" She started pointing at the Gaara clone in the bed. The bed she was in.
"Haven't we gone over this?" Gaara threw his towel to the ground, shaking tiny droplets of water from his hair. "I don't sleep." Sakura stared in horror as the Gaara clone in the bed got up and grinned. Not a nice grin, but a smile that stretched from ear to ear, splitting his face in half, revealing rows of granite-like teeth that were sharper than even the deadliest kunai. The skin of whatever it was hardened and became just as grey and stone-like as its teeth. It now resembled a gargoyle, except for the fact that it was leaning in closer to her face.
Sakura was frozen, her eyes wide with panic. Every muscle in her body tensed, but she could not move an inch. The gargoyle reached out a hand and caressed her cheek, rubbing her skin with its rough, rocky exterior.
"I will have you soon enough… but for now…" The thing met her eyes, imprinting its image into her memory forever. The stone that seemed to make up its body crumbled to dust, and was swept away by an imaginary wind, leaving nothing behind.
Now, Gaara, on the other hand, stared at Sakura as she seemingly stared at nothing. He scratched his head as she passed out on the bed, right on the spot.
Must be some sort of girl thing. He thought. Gaara shook his head and grabbed his tank top and slipped it on over his head.
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Chouji and Tayuya were playing with a cute little hamster that had come out of nowhere. Tayuya, momentarily forgetting her annoyance of being stuck with Chouji, was having a grand time with the little hamster; poking its stomach and watching it scrabble around on the floor. She especially liked how it waddled. When hamsters waddle, it looks hilarious! All their little rolls of fat jiggle around! Okay… that sounded really stupid… But I'm serious! It's so funny when a hamster's fat jiggles all about!
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Shikamaru was eating garlic and muttering how troublesome life was. Hinata was watching Shikamaru eat the garlic since she had nothing better to do with her life.
You might be asking why, why is Shikamaru eating garlic? Well, I'll tell you the sad, sad tale of Shikamaru with his garlic: Dora the Explore had walked out of the TV that was conveniently located in their room, and started to sing about life. It was a depressing song about how crappy her life was. That mean, old fox always after her worthless stuff and throwing it into trees or something, where she then had to use her most amazing skills of geometry to tell the difference from said item and a square.
Dora then pulled a knife out from Backpack, after singing that stupid backpack song, and then pulled out the Map. Map began to sing about the three places that always seem to be there, but then stopped singing when Dora brought the knife down, impaling the Map upon the knife blade. It squirmed around and shrieked for awhile on the ground, but then stopped moving altogether when Dora swiftly suffocated it with her hand.
Then she ran to the bathroom, the bloody Map in her hand, and flushed it down the toilet. The Backpack asked what was going on, since he was facing the other way and didn't see what had happened. Dora took Backpack off her back and set it down on the ground. She turned around and filled the bathtub full of hot water. She picked Backpack up, who had started to sing again, and shoved him facedown into the water. He didn't struggle all that much, since he didn't really understand what was happening. After awhile, bubbles stopped coming up, and the splashing stopped.
That's right kids! Our favorite weekday morning television character Dora the Explorer, is actually an insane, psychotic serial killer! How creepy…
Dora then stabbed Backpack's lifeless, Velcro fastened body with the knife she had used to kill Map with. Dora lifted the knife once again, and began to cut a zig-zag pattern across her forearm, you know, getting all emo and stuff!
That's right! Not only is Dora the Explorer an insane psychotic serial killer, but she is also a cutter who indulges in masochism! Yet again, I must say: How creepy…
And all this time, Shikamaru and Hinata were just watching. Not really doing anything at all.
How does any of that relate to why Shikamaru is eating garlic? It doesn't.
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Ayame and Naruto were huddled in a corner, trying desperately to avoid the lava that was coming out of their kitchen sink.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" Naruto screamed as the tip of his shoe melted in the flow of lava. "WHY THE FUCKING HELL IS THERE LAVA COMING OUT OF THE SINK?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" Ayame screamed in his ear. "THIS WHOLE DAMN THING IS STUPID! YOU'RE STUPID! I'M STUPID! YOUR JOUNIN SENSEIS ARE, WHACKED, CRAZY PSYCHOS WHO SHOULD BE SENT TO THE INSANE ASYLUM! AND THEY'RE STUPID TOO!"
"Now now, Ayame," Naruto shushed her. "Even if there is lava pouring out of the sink and edging ever closer to our fragile human bodies that will burn to cinders if they come in contact with said lava, leaving not a single cell of our bodies' intact, think about the bright side of life. At least we have each other." Naruto said with a mushy voice.
Ayame pulled at her hair and screamed. With no warning, Ayame jumped on Naruto, trying to rend his eyes out with her fingernails. Not only did she try to rend his eyes out, but she kicked him in the crotch, just for good measure.
Well come on, if you're about to be caught in a river of lava, who wants to hear that they at least have each other. It's not very comforting to know that at least you'll die alongside some other idiot.
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Kakashi scratched his head and groped around for his mask on the bedside table. After slipping it on under the covers, he sat up in his pajamas, which consisted of a pair of boxers and a pair of long black shorts that went down to about his knees.
He looked in the mirror and sighed. Maybe he had overdone it with the little black button that came with Sadist's Weekly Magazine. He shook his head and mumbled to himself.
"Nah, they'll be fine."
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Hello everyone! My CMT's are over and I can finally write in peace once more! WHOOT! Oh, well, I have a few more projects to work on, but other than that, I am not that busy. I am super sorry for not having been able to update, but my life has been nothing but chaos lately.
Anywho, I hope to have Snake Lords updated by Wednesday or so, if not later. Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter