Right Out of a Hat
When Tsunade gets drunk, she decides that our favorite ninjas should finally get a lovelife. Will these awkward pairings ever get off the ground? Or will they change unexpectedly?
Thinking
"Yelling"
Alrighty then! One last thing. In this story, Haku is a GIRL! G-I-R-L! For the sake of this story's plotline, "SHE" is a GIRL! Good, now that we have that settled...
On with the story!
Chpt 11: The Almost Movie, and the Almost Lunch.
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Kakashi scratched his head and groped around for his mask on the bedside table. After slipping it on under the covers, he sat up in his pajamas, which consisted of a pair of boxers and a pair of long black shorts that went down to about his knees.
He looked in the mirror and sighed. Maybe he had overdone it with the little black button that came with Sadist's Weekly Magazine. He shook his head and mumbled to himself.
"Nah, they'll be fine."
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"Good morning everyone!" Kakashi waved to his fellow Jounins who were currently enjoying the hotel's grand (and might I add, "humungo") swimming pool.
"It's almost noon, Kakashi. It's a little late to be saying 'good morning'." Kurenai continued to scold Kakashi for being so late, but not a word got through to him.
In the middle of Kurenai's rant, Kakashi had only realized that she was talking to him in the first place. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"Just forget it!" Kurenai dunked her head under the water and ignored Kakashi's stupidity. Then again, she could have ignored him just the same if she was above the water, but since she's in a pool, why not go underwater? I mean, it just makes sense that way. Actually, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Moving on!
"So, shall we go meet our students?" Asuma asked, moving the tanning mirror from his face, his now tan skin contrasting with the white of the cigarette that hung from the corner of his mouth.
"Sure." Kakashi shrugged. "What do we do with them?" Nobody answered because they honestly hadn't thought that far ahead. Planning wasn't exactly their strong point. Then, Kurenai finally decided to come back from under the water.
"I've got a notebook with ideas of all sorts of things we could do!" Kurenai pulled out a sopping-wet notebook from her pocket. Yes, her bathing suit has pockets. "Let's see…" She opened the notebook, only to find that the pages had disintegrated. That's right, no matter how hard it is to believe, water and paper don't mix! Shocking…
"Brilliant…" Kakashi rolled his eyes in obvious sarcasm.
"Oh shut up will you? Why don't we just take them to a movie, and then we can go have lunch somewhere?" Kurenai chucked her soggy, worthless notebook at Gai because he was doing the Macarena to no music.
"I dunno…" Kakashi scratched his chin. "That seems kind of clichéd…"
"And just how is it clichéd?" Kurenai asked.
"Milkshake. Shaken, not stirred…" Asuma decided to randomly throw in. "Now that, was clichéd."
"How was that clichéd? Clichéd means to be overused or stale. We weren't even talking about milkshakes in the first place! That just makes your statement random!" Kurenai argued.
"Well, let's just look it up in the dictionary!" Asuma pulled out his pocket sized Webster's dictionary. He flipped through several pages, and scrolled down the rows until he found it. "Here it is! It says: Clichéd; Having become stale or commonplace through overuse; hackneyed."
"Hah! I'm right!" Kurenai said smugly. Asuma pouted and turned around huffily, acting like a little child who didn't get what they wanted.
"HEEYYYY! MACARENA!" Gai screamed. Wouldn't you believe it? Gai was still doing the Macarena to no music. Everyone grabbed what was closet to them, and prepared to throw it at Gai. Asuma grabbed his tanning mirror, Kurenai grabbed a Styrofoam pool noodle, and Kakashi took out his Icha Icha Paridise: Super Perverted Version, Book 4.
All at once, they threw the items at Gai's bobbed head. That is, except for Kakashi. Kakashi realized that he couldn't throw his prized book into the pool! It would have gotten all soggy like Kurenai's notebook… So instead of throwing his book, he grabbed Kurenai and threw her! So shocked was Kurenai, that she let out a loud shriek, flailing about wildly, and landed on top of Gai with a dull thud, the two of them disappearing under the water.
"Awesome shot!" Asuma leapt up from his chair and exchanged high fives with Kakashi. Their heads turned as the water bubbled angrily. Like a seriously ticked sea-monster, Kurenai rose from the depths, coughing up water and glaring angrily. Asuma turned to Kakashi, his hands on his hips. "I mean, Kakashi! How could you?"
"Say, where's Gai?" Kakashi asked the still fuming Kurenai, seeing as Gai hadn't yet surfaced. Kurenai spat out one last mouthful of pool water, and looked Kakashi in the eyes.
"He's swimming with the fishes…" Kakashi and Asuma inhaled sharply, their lips twitching.
"You mean… he's dead?" Asuma asked, his eyes filling up with tears. At least I think they were tears… They were either tears, or hopefulness. I wouldn't rule out the latter…
"No stupid!" Kurenai laughed. "I mean he discovered secret passageway at the bottom of the pool, and found that it led to an underground cavern where fishes had evolved to live out of water in little houses like mushrooms."
"Like Smurf houses?" Kakashi pondered.
"Exactly."
"Well! That's a relief! I thought he drowned!" Asuma laughed. Everyone else joined in too, but we know that deep down, they all wished that Gai really had drowned. Ah well, we can always dream…
So then, the merry Jounin (excluding Gai) left the pool and pranced merrily outside to go and find their students. As for Gai: he's still swimming with the fishes.
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By the time the Jounin got to the cabins, all was quiet, too quiet… Sneakily, they walked up to cabin 1 and knocked on the door.
"Kiba! Ten-ten! You guys alright?" Kakashi called out. Kurenai shook her head and placed her hand on her forehead in a wearied way.
"Don't tell me you killed them Kakashi…" Kakashi giggled.
"Not them! No, they're fine. Although I'm not too sure about Shino and Kin…" Kakashi scratched his chin. "Maybe they didn't make it…" Kurenai turned sheet white, and passed out.
"Geez Kakashi, way to go!" Asuma muttered. "Your name should be Mr. Tactless!"
"Yes?" Ten-ten's face poked out from the door, the small head of a kitten appearing at her feet. "Oh hi, Kakashi-sensei, Asuma-sensei!" She said cheerfully. "Say, you wouldn't happen to know where this kitten came from, do either of you?" Kakashi coughed slightly into his jacket.
"I have no idea, Ten-ten." He said suspiciously, his eyes shifting back and forth.
"You are a terrible liar…" Ten-ten glared at Kakashi.
"Say, where's Kiba?" Asuma peeked in the door. Ten-ten's eyebrows rose, then fell.
"Oh…" She nervously rubbed the back of her head. "He's been acting really spazy lately, you know, about the cat. I had to tie him to the bed in the bedroom."
"You tied him to the bed?" Asuma asked.
"Yeah…"
"Oh…" Kakashi snickered, and Asuma looked at him sternly. "You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, you thought perverted pervert. Although I can't really do anything to stop you from thinking such thoughts you can think."
'That's a lot of 'thinks'." Ten-ten commented.
"Oh the things we can think, thought, and have thunk." Kakashi said in a Dr. Suess kind of rhyme.
"I always hated Dr. Suess…" Asuma grumbled. Ten-ten gasped! Kakashi gasped! The sherpas who were lost in the Mojave desert gasped! Of course, why the sherpas were in the Mojave desert in the first place is another story, for another time.
"SCOURGE OF THE UNDERWORLD! CATS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD!" Kiba leapt out into the hallway wearing a shabby, makeshift suit of armor assembled from pots and pans.
"Kiba! Would you stop that?" Ten-ten yelled at him. "Wait a second, how did you get loose?"
"Akamaru chewed the ropes off. Another plus for dogs…" Kiba tottered towards them, wielding a wooden spoon in his left hand. "DIE!" Kiba got within several feet of them, but stopped abruptly. He turned down to see that there was still a rope tied around his leg.
"I see Akamaru didn't get all the ropes." Ten-ten stood there and watched as Kiba feebly waved his spoon at them, trying to get within poking distance. Of course, he failed.
"And Kurenai deals with you how?" Kakashi asked.
"Well, at the beginning of the day, she gives me candy…" Kiba's mouth watered. "I love those Happy Pills…"
"Happy Pills? You mean she drugs you?"
"Uh huh…" Kiba continued to try and swipe at the cat.
"Would you two come on out so we can go and see a movie and then go to lunch?" Asuma asked.
"With pleasure." Ten-ten set the cat down and walked over to Kiba.
"MY ARCH-NEMISIS! CAT-WOMAN!" Ten-ten glared at him.
"Oh shut up…" She pulled a kunai out of nowhere, and threw it down at the rope. It snapped, and Kiba went flying out the door.
They all merrily went about and collected the rest of their students, for lack of better wording. Kankurou and Ino were alright by the looks of it, and they had a faint aroma of shower freshness. Lee was crying on Haku's shoulder while clutching a vandalized photo of Gai. Shino and Kin's clothes were covered in dust and scraps of rubble. Shino stood there silently (because he is just so cool that way) and Kin rocked back and forth holding her knees, saying over and over: "The eyes… those icy, blue eyes…" Both Nina and Sasuke were out cold on the ground. Sakura was looking awfully freaked out while Gaara stared at her curiously, bewildered by her strange behavior. Chouji and Tayuya were still having a grand old time playing with their little hamster. (They had even named him Mr. Jiggles!) Shikamaru and Hinata reeked of garlic. Naruto and Ayame's clothes were ragged and burnt, having been badly singed by the lava flow, the former sporting two black eyes.
"Say, aren't we missing a pair?" Kurenai asked, who had recently decided to join the living.
"Oh yeah!" Asuma snapped his fingers. "That's right! Neji and Temari are CIA."
"Uh, don't you mean MIA? Missing In Action? Not Central Intelligence Agency, right?" Kakashi pointed out.
Asuma whispered behind his hand: "No, I do mean Central Intelligence Agency. You see, I have this feeling that those two are government spies, sent out from that America place to spy on the Malaysian food chain."
"Why?" Kakashi asked, his visible eyebrow turned up in exasperation.
"The hair man!" Asuma waved his arms about his head. "It's all in the hair!"
"Temari's hair is not similar to Neji's in any way." Asuma chuckled at Kakashi's childish statement.
"Of course it is." Asuma smiled secretively, because we all know that Temari's hair is really similar to Neji's. Well, I mean, we all know that, right? Wait, are you saying you don't realize the similarities of Temari and Neji's hair? Well, let's hear Asuma's response for all you dense people who don't realize that Neji and Temari's hair are pretty much the same.
"They both have it tied up with a ponytail! Duh! Well, in Temari's case, several." Kakashi slapped his face and shook his head, letting out a small sigh. "You see, they can't fool me! With their hair put up like that, it's so obvious…"
"You sure do have an overactive imagination, Asuma…" Kakashi muttered from behind his hand.
"What do you mean?"
"Let me see, Iruka wears a ponytail…" Kakashi began to count on his fingers
"He works for the CIA." Asuma responded.
"Haku wears one…"
"She was reported KIA, so she no longer belongs to the CIA organization. Although now that she's back, she might be re-commissioned…" (A.N: Note how I said 'she'.)
"Many of the Hyuuga household, including Neji and Hinata, wear their hair tied back…"
"Their background checks seemed clear, but I'm still suspicious about that lot."
"Itachi…"
"CIA hitman."
"Kabuto…"
"CIA informative agent."
"There's Kidomaru, currently deceased, and Kimimaro, also deceased."
"Both used as lab subjects in the CIA's secret base. Hence their weird mutations and jutsu."
"Oh come on! Kin wears one!"
"Nah, she just works at Big Y."
"You honestly think Kin works at Big Y?"
"Yes." Kakashi fell over anime style, his legs twitching in the air.
"People with ponytails do not work for the CIA! Or at Big Y!" Kakashi yelled at Asuma.
"Yes they do."
"THEY DO NOT!" Kakashi's face was tomato red.
"Oh? Prove it then." Asuma dared.
"Alright, here's three pieces of evidence for you. Hokage-sama wears two ponytails, Shikamaru wears a ponytail, and Ino wears one as well."
"Oh…" Asuma whacked his head against a wall that appeared out of nowhere. "How could I have been so stupid?"
"Well, it's not too hard when it's you…" Kakashi was interrupted before he could finish.
"How couldn't I have seen through their guises?" Asuma cried out. "My own two students, and even Tsunade-sama, are agents of the CIA! THEY'RE OUT TO DESTROY MALASIA!" Asuma fell to his knees and clenched his fists dramatically as the camera angle rose up to a birds eye view. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He yelled Darth Vader style as lightning flashed and rain began to fall. Kakashi pulled out his umbrella from his seemingly bottomless pouch and stared up at the sky.
"Hmm. Must be flash flood season." The rain then stopped, and the sun came out, all pretty-like.
Meanwhile…
"THE CHAMPEENS OF THIS YEARS KENTUCKY DERBY! What were yer names again?"
"Wha…?" Neji and Temari were not only dumbstruck, but out of breath as well. Racing in the Kentucky Derby without a horse is very tiring you know.
"Oh nevermind…" The announcer turned back to the crowd. "THE CHAMPEENS ARE BUTCH AND NANCY! Congratulations you two!" The announcer turned around, shook their hands vigorously, shoved a giant trophy into their arms, and pushed them out the backdoor because he really didn't feel like talking with them any longer.
Neji looked down at the engraving of the trophy. "The winners of the Kentucky Derby: Butch and Nancy."
"Since when has your name been Butch? And since when have I been known as Nancy?" Temari scratched her head. "And just how are we going to get back to the resort?"
"Why are you asking me?" Neji knitted his brows.
"Thank heavens you have come chosen one!" The Good Witch from the Wizard of Oz stepped out from her pink bubble and walked up to them. "Oh Keyblade master! Won't you please seal the Kentucky Keyhole and destroy the Heartless? They are quite intimidating."
Neji and Temari were all like: WTF?
"I'M THE KEYBLADE MASTER! NOT HIM!" Sora from Kingdom Hearts came over with Donald and Goofy. "Tell me, Good Witch, have you seen my friend Kairi?"
"Will you seal the Kentucky Keyhole, Keyblade master?" The Good Witch continued.
"I asked if you had seen my friend Kairi, you pink buzzard!" Sora yelled, whipping out his Keyblade.
"Well no…" The Good Witch admitted.
"THEN YOU MUST DIE!" Sora ran the Good Witch through with his Keyblade, twisted the Keyblade by 90 degrees, and pulled it back out, dragging out her entrails all over the ground. The Good Witch's mouth dropped open, blood gushing out by the buckets all over the ground.
Neji and Temari were still all like: WTF?
The Good Witch's body was then taken over by the forces of Heartless, and Sora went off to go seal the Keyhole, like usual. However, Darkside flew down to Kentucky and opened the door, destroying the core of Kentucky. A portal opened in the sky, and both Neji and Temari were sucked in. Next thing they knew, the rest of the Naruto Gang was peering down at them.
"Where have you guys been?" Kakashi asked, faking stupidity.
"In some sort of crazy paradox of the Kentucky Derby, Kingdom Hearts, the first game, and the Wizard of Oz." Neji said, holding up their trophy they had won. "And my name is apparently Butch, and she's Nancy."
"Who are you calling Nancy?" Temari asked, her hands on her hips. "Why don't you stop calling me Nancy, Butch?"
"Guys, I have good news and bad news." Kurenai said, putting away her cell phone. "The bad news, is that the movie theater's sold out until the next showing this afternoon. The good news is…"
"You saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico." They all finished for her.
"Um, no." Kurenai frowned. "The good news, is that Gai has slain the nasty, toilet-paper, pus filled, shower-fresh scented toilet monster that comes from the bowels of the sewage systems that comes once every month to feed upon the magical hair ties of the Yamanaka family, Ino's sworn enemy, and now smells shower-fresh!"
Everyone cheered halfheartedly.
"Gai has also reserved us a place at a restaurant for lunch."
"Oh, and a friend of mine is coming to lunch with us!" Kakashi added in. "Her name is Kristy!" His eye turned up in a little black arc. "She's really nice!"
"What restaurant is it?" Naruto asked.
"Friendlys."
This time, everyone cheered enthusiastically. You can't beat Friendlys! So everyone went off to Friendlys. But since I am running out of ideas, you'll just have to wait until next chapter.
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No, I'm not dead.
I know, I haven't updated in a really long time, and I'm sorry. But I've had a lot of family problems. I've said this on my other story, Snake Lords, so if you don't read that, then you probably don't know. Here's what happened to me: My Grandparent's house went up in flames, my Grandma broke both of her legs, my Grandpa is suffering from some 3rd degree burns and esophagus/lung damage, and my Aunt and cousins are now living at my house for the next 6 months.
Luckily, my Grandpa is doing better now, and my Grandma's surgery was successful (however, she's going to be in rehab for a long time.) That's right. I am now living with my cousins for the next 6 months. Repeat: 6 freaking months! So yes, as you can guess, I haven't exactly had the free time to write. I'm trying my best to update both Snake Lords and Right Out of a Hat as best I can. Please do not be upset if there is anther long break in my updates. Till then!