Sakura was never one to let things be. She was constantly changing, not in a way some people may thing, but in a much more subtle way that no one noticed until it was pointed out. Really, she knew that since she was a small shy and introverted bookworm, one who refused to face reality and hide behind her saviour Ino.
Well, not much have changed in that aspect, she thought somewhat bitterly, if not with a bit of self-loathing.
She hasn't contacted Inner for more than a week. Well, channelled would be the more correct term regarding that. She realized that she depended too much on her defense her entire life, that she became unconsciously two-faced and over-dramatic.
With her hair pulled back in a low ponytail and clad in her pyjamas, a simple white short-sleeved shirt and green shorts, she started eating her breakfast, something that didn't go amiss by her parents as the exchanged a quick relieved smile.
Ah, great. She even made her parents worried over such a minor thing. She knew it, she had her suspicions since today morning (she didn't sleep through-out the night, too restless to even close her eyes) but experiencing it before her was a whole other matter.
She wasn't reliable at all. She doesn't know if it's just her parents spoiling her too much, but everytime she tried to help them even a little she was shot down. Go out to buy some groceries? It's alright Sakura-chan, you sit down and study. Run a small errand to the carpenter? That's alright cherry, you don't need to concern yourself with such matters.
At the end, she came to the conclusion that her parents didn't trust her to do them right. She was a Genin for Kami's sake, yet she wasn't reliable enough to even cross the side of the street? Even mere seven-year-olds have more faith from their parents at that.
"Otou-san?" She suddenly called to her father, the hand with the spoon pausing as her green eyes sought him out. "Am I a bad Kunoichi?'
Out of all things, Kizashi didn't expect to hear that from his daughter. His aqua eyes dimmed slightly as he tousled his magenta sakura-shaped hair. "What do you mean? You just started your career, pumpkin."
Oh... ouch. He didn't even deny it, and Sakura felt an odd twist enveloping her stomach, like she wanted to throw up as insecurity overwhelmed her whole.
She nodded, oh so calmly that she really didn't feel like it at all, and pushed the bowl of finished rice away from her. She didn't touch the salmon but she really didn't feel like eating.
It was when Sakura closed the door of her room once she was upstairs, did she went straight to the bathroom and vomited the breakfast she just had. What's even worse, flashes of her A-Rank mission clouded her sight, making her eyes glass over as she was transferred back to the wannabe battlefield, Zabuza having a go at Kakashi, Sasuke and Naruto fighting Haku and oh my God she was totally and wholeheartedly useless all this time! The killing-intent, the desperation she felt when she thought she would never see her parents again because she would die! She thought Sasuke died! Naruto was there and he executed a chakra so vicious and malicious that had Sakura grow goosebumps and she just wanted to take the kunai on her hands and kill herself--
She snapped out of it suddenly, the transition so sudden she couldn't help but gasp for oxygen. She closed her eyes, leaning at the bathtub besides the toilet and allowed herself to take a breather.
She was pathetic. Utterly and undoubtedly pathetic.
Why did she became Shinobi again? It wasn't for Sasuke (though if she met him earlier, it could've been), that's for sure. When she started crushing on him, Ino and her were already attending the Academy.
...Suddenly, her eyebrows furrowed over as she realized something. She doesn't know why she attended the Academy, or more likely she didn't remember since she was only six. The more she thought about it, the more headache it became.
Shaking her head, the rosette stood up with shaky feet. She felt extremely weak but also really, really cold in a weird and comforting way, like the nightmares would stop for just a little while since she experienced this hell of a swing.
How naïve of her.
A week has passed since she last saw her team in general, and Sakura felt like she was isolating herself from anyone who as much wanted to communicate with her. With the exception of her parents who she always talks to every day, she hasn't come in contact with the rest of the Rookie Nine for at least two weeks (basically since she came back from her mission).
Sakura admits to herself nevertheless though, that she seems to be the only one affected by their previous quest. Sasuke and Naruto took everything up with a stride, and even if the former was the one who almost died (and he almost did) he seems completely nonchalant about it.
Naruto... she couldn't figure him out. She thought he was a simple and stupid knucklehead but he was anything but simple. He acted like nothing ever happened and he just moved on, adapted on Haku's and Zabuza's death like a fish with water.
Kakashi-sensei, well, it was completely understandable that he seemed used to this as he was a former ANBU (she wasn't exactly deaf when Zabuza mentioned it) so she could only imagine what his eyes have really seen. The rosette didn't like to think too much about it, it always send chills down her spine and she hated that she became more aware around her sensei ever since. Luckily, they never really sat alone as it was always Naruto and Sasuke there, so she was a bit glad about not being caught yet, otherwise Kakashi would have questioned her.
This past week didn't pass without her doing anything though.
She was self-reflecting, something that she remembered Inoichi-san (Ino's father) mention when she was still best friends with the sassy heiress. He said it when Ino had been a little too mean to Choji (a Akimichi and former classmate, also now Ino's teammate) and she made him cry, which now thinking back about it, Ino wasn't exactly bold... she was more of a mean girl really, but with a good heart underneath.
She reflected upon her past actions for hours, turning greener and greener at the disgusting things she had done without giving it much thought. Which might as well be the main problem here and she just refused to admit it, since the only thing she really has is her intelligence (which she now herself is questioning).
She was a total bitch to Naruto. pardon her language. However, some of her past actions amused her for some reason ; like she was remembering memories of when she younger but it was only a months old in actuality.
And most of all, she analysed her affection she held for Sasuke. A part of her still is infatuated with him, but the more reasonable part of her whispered that Sasuke might never be fond of her as she is of him. Nostalgia, it was nostalgia that she was seeking out of him, because the Sakura until now only saw the ghost of his smiling and blushing self, not the shell of a angsty boy he has become.
And Sakura wanted to bash her head to wall because THE UCHIHA CLAN WAS MASSACRED! and she didn't even acknowledge it until now. She was a big shithead, no wonder Sasuke found her annoying. The more she thought about it the more mortified she became, so much so that she couldn't bear to face him head on ever again.
All this time, she thought she was wronged because he wouldn't talk to her anymore and always called her offensive names ; when it was actually her that she didn't even give a damn about him and was only concerned about herself and beating that Yamanaka of a pig.
'Love Sasuke my ass,' She thought with tears at her eyes as she stared at the ceiling of her bedroom. 'I don't even deserve him after everything...'
She was obsessed with the idea of them going out and making Ino jealous. Everything about this situation came back to Ino, because Sakura realised that she never got over her inferiority complex that she had against the blonde. She was still trying and trying so hard to become better than her when in reality, Ino was better than her effortlessly because she was a good person, despite her sharp tongue and blunt way of manners.
(A small part of her said that Ino did exactly what she did but with no jealousy in between, but the rosette shoved that at the very back of her mind).
Other than that, she realised something that had her blood boil.
The Sasuke Fanclub (yes that was a thing and oh Kami, was she embarrassed for being the vice-president of that club) had actually sabotaged her in every way, shape or form. Lied to her about Sasuke liking girls with long hair, lied to her about skinny bodies and feminine things that the old Sakura took everything in like a foolish sponge.
It was a little too late to realize that she was the only one following those said requirements (with the exception of the hair thing but almost everyone liked long hair at this point).
She felt completely, and unabashedly embarassed.
But the question here is not how she feels about everything. It's not about how she will deal with these sudden revelations she forced herself, despite her hesitance, to analyse with precision.
The question now is, will she do something about it ; or will she continue burning in the ashes of her own shame and humiliation? Does she have the heart of a phoenix, so she can rise and spread her wings? or is she going to drown in a river of her own misery?
Will she, or will she not give up?
Sakura made the wrong decision.