SMILE
"This is good" I say to myself after leaving the counselor's office.
Turns out I still got plenty of time for this applying into college stuff and that I could easily get into any place I pick. So, the studying thing is really going to pay off after all. With my grades and extracurriculars I'd be out of Ranma's life in no time, actually I'd be having MY very own life in no time. Maybe I could move out just after graduation.
I smile.
Well, I try to… I never thought that be happy could be so hard and tiresome.
The bell rings, announcing the end of our free period and I walk slowly towards my classroom while everyone around me rushes to theirs.
"Oops! Sorry" Says a boy after bumping into me.
"Don't worry" I tell him and then I smile. My reassuring smile, the one that doesn't really means anything. The boy smiles back at me, he looks like he wants to say something but I keep walking. I can feel him looking at me walking away… I wonder why I didn't use to feel that kind of thing before… I wonder why I'm not feeling pissed at someone for staring at my butt… I wonder why I'm not feeling the urge to hit him… and why I'm just walking away, not caring...
I'd been a puzzle even to myself lately.
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The classroom's door opens and there she is. I knew 'kane wouldn't miss class. My eyes light up at the sight of her. She's been pretty busy lately. Always doing her homework or some extra project. School is her first priority nowadays.
She excuses herself with the teacher and then takes her sit next to me.
I shoot a questioning look at her and she just gives me a tiny little smile that I gladly return.
We're in speaking terms again. After that night, the 'epiphany night' as I like to call it, things have been a lot better. She's been talking to me… boy! that's so good. And then, a few days ago we walked home together after school… just like the old days, except this time. I walked by her side.
It was about time, really. Who knows what could have happened if I missed the opportunity.
I steal a glance at her.
She's really paying attention. Taking notes of everything the teacher says and once in a while frowning like she doesn't completely gets what he's saying. But then the frown goes away and her face lights up a little… and I know she's learning something new…
Okaaaay…
So maybe I am staring a little.
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He's looking at me quite intently.
He's been doing that a lot the last few days. How I wish I didn't notice he's doing it. It makes me too nervous.
We are almost friends again… talking… small talk mostly, but talking nevertheless. I want to let him know I'm going to leave… but I really can't gather the courage to do it. I don't know why, really. I'm almost positive he won't care a bit. I mean, why would he?
A wave of sadness hits me and I have the sudden urge to cry.
That's been happening a lot lately too.
So I look down and pretend to write something like nothing is wrong.
I sigh. It's not working.
I keep writing and then I force a smile.
My lips arch slowly and I try to convince myself that I'm happy. Or at least, that I'm not unhappy.
Smiling used to be so simple…
Growing up is no good at all. Falling in love is no good at all.
I breath and sigh again. Oh… and he is still looking at me… and what is worst, the teacher is looking at him.
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"I'm sure you agree Mr. Saotome"
I hear my name been called by the teacher so I look up. And yeah… there he is looking at me expectantly.
What did he say?
"Excuse me?" I ask.
"Don't you agree?" He repeats and then I remember I'm supposed to be here to learn… or fall sleep, either one of those two works just fine and not to stare the girl sitting next to me.
"Um… ah… absolutely" I finally say.
The class explodes into giggles and the teacher just rolls his eyes.
What? I ask myself feeling confused. I shot a questioning look at Akane.
Boy does she look mortified. Her cheeks are pink and she's obviously embarrassed. She looks at me with eyebrows raised in question. There's a mixture of annoyance, confusion and surprise in her expression.
I start to wonder what was what I just agreed to.
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I can't believe him! Why?! Why?! Why would he say that?
Now everyone is going to be talking about it until at least next week. Gosh! I'm so tired of rumors… and with this public declaration of love he just made…
Jeez!
Why can anything be easy with this guy!
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I think she's mad.
No, wait. I know she's mad.
What did I say?! What did I say? Maybe I insulted her and in front of the whole class! Boy she must be pissed!
Now what do I do? I ask myself and then I remember something Ray once told me: "You have got to stop being so bigheaded and apologize once in a while… at least to the people you care about" The memory of her voice rings in my ears and I decide she's totally right… I followed her advise before and it made all better.
Yeah… I'll apologize as soon as I can. I mean… whatever I said… I didn't know I was saying it, right?
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Finally the bell rings and the class is over.
I'm not blushing anymore but I don't think I can hold the natural color in my face for much longer. My friends and other classmates are winking at my direction. Sayuri even gives me a thumbs up and that's when I realize that Ranma has stood up and now is looking at me expectantly.
¿What is he gonna do?
My heart starts racing… what if he…
No… no, that's impossible… right?
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"Look Akane… That thing I said before?"
"What with it Ranma?" She asks looking at me levelly… if a little hopeful.
"I--- I… didn't mean it. I… was just distracted… didn't really know what I was saying."
Her face falls and I start wondering how did I manage to screw up this apology. But then her eyes shine a little and she gives me one of her tiny reassuring smiles.
"I know" She nods.
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I know… I know…
I really do know… even if sometimes it seems like I don't…
I know.
I suppress a sigh… it can't be healthy to sigh this much. Then I nod and tell him I have to run some errands… that I won't walk home with him today.
"But I will tomorrow" I say… smiling… because smile is to say I'm fine even if I'm not.
And so… He leaves.
O yes… I know.
He will always leave. My heart will always break… countless of times, again and again because of him… because of that strand of hope… because it seems I just can't learn from experience.
I really don't know how I've been living…. Being near him is hazard to my survival. A heart can break only so many times before it dies.
I have to leave him. I have to leave him.
Yes.
I know, I know.