Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them. Boo!
A/N: Thank you so much to all my wonderful reviewers! You guys blew me away and I'm trying to get back to each of you personally.
Quick notes: First I'm sorry that some words were merged together in the first chapter – I swear it wasn't like that when I wrote it. I just checked my original document and it's fine so I don't know what happened here. But I'll be more careful to check when I upload this chapter.
Second, just a note that there is a lot of angst to come.
Warning for language. I hope you enjoy and please review!
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"Sam! Sammy, wake up!" Dean was frantic. Sam's face was pale, much too pale, and what the HELL had just happened? Since when had Sam actually passed out from a vision?
As Dean cradled his unconscious brother in his arms, he mentally beat himself up. He should have known something else was wrong. No, he thought. I DID know something else was wrong, and I let it go. I didn't want to push Sam when he already had enough to deal with. Now look what's happened! As he watched over Sam, praying he would wake up soon, a memory came back to him from several weeks ago.
"Man, I'm beat." Dean yawned as he opened the door to the latest motel room. "You'd think spirits could rest in peace once in awhile so we could actually get some sleep too."
Sam grinned. "No doubt. I'm just happy it wasn't me getting thrown around by an angry ghost tonight."
Dean shot him a dirty look as he sat down on one of the lumpy beds. "Ha ha. Yeah it was a barrel of laughs getting my ass tossed back and forth in the graveyard while you took your sweet time burning that bastard's bones."
"Hey man, it's not my fault that your lighter was low on fluid. Aren't you supposed to keep up on stuff like that?"
"No, I kind of thought my geek brother could at least take care of checking out some of our equipment instead of just doing research."
Sam just smirked. "Whatever." He wasn't in the mood to argue. It had been a good night, bruises aside. At least the Baker family wouldn't have to worry about that vengeful spirit bothering them anymore.
All of a sudden, a slight tingling started in his head. Oh crap! He tried to act nonchalant as he leaned against the wall and thought quickly.
"You know what? I'm actually pretty hungry. How bout I go out and get us something to eat?"
Dean shot him a weird look. "What?" Sam asked defensively.
"Dude, it's like 2 o'clock in the morning! Exactly what do you think is going to be open this time of night?"
"I'm sure there's got to be a Taco Bell or something around here that's open all hours." Sam answered him dismissively but his brain was screaming Get out, get out!
"Well, don't bother going out. I've got plenty of stuff in here." Dean started rummaging through his backpack and came up triumphantly with a couple of granola bars. "Here, this outta hold ya." He started to toss one to Sam but stopped when he shook his head.
"No, it's ok. I think I really want to go out. Fresh air, you know? Besides, I want something healthy right now." Sam wasn't really thinking about the absurdity of what he was saying; he just knew he needed to leave. Right now. He started backing up towards the door. "I'll be back soon." He took off, almost sprinting out the door.
Dean stared after him as the door closed. "Yeah, cause Taco Bell is so much more healthy than a granola bar."
He thought about it for a few seconds, and then decided to go after him. This late at night, he knew better than anyone that there was evil stuff out there. And something wasn't right. Sam had been perfectly fine, and then all of a sudden he had a craving for fresh air and Taco Bell? Sam hated Taco Bell.
Giving a tired sigh, he got up and opened the door, stepping out into the cold night air. And then looked around in shock because although he could see in all directions, Sam was nowhere to be found.
As Dean thought back on that night, he remembered how Sam had looked when he finally came back, over an hour later. Dean had been going out of his mind with worry, so when Sam stepped back through the door, he had snapped at him right away.
"Where the hell have you been? Do you know how worried I've been about you?" He regretted jumping on him so quickly when he saw how tired Sam looked.
"Sorry, there was a long line. Gonna take a shower," Sam mumbled and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
A long line? A freaking long line? At 2 in the morning? What the…! Dean was about to barge into the bathroom after him to demand an explanation, but he heard the shower start up and decided against it. He lay back down on the bed and tried to breathe calmly. He's ok. He's fine. It's just been a long night or something. Lord knows I'm too tired to get into this right now anyway.
Seeing Sam now, Dean could kick himself a million times over. Once that memory came back, he could think of a dozen more instances where Sam had made some lame excuse to leave for an hour or two. Not to mention the times he caught Sam grimacing in pain when he thought Dean wasn't looking, or the fact that Sam almost went ballistic when he found Dean about to look in his bag for something. He had apologized later, claiming he had just been tired and cranky, and Dean let it go. God, I let it all go. Because I didn't want to push. I'm so stupid! This is my fault. He looked down at Sam again, and tears came to his eyes as the panic fairly overwhelmed him.
"Please Sammy, wake up! Come on, don't do this to me! Wake UP!" Dean almost yelled the last, and was rewarded when he heard a small groan coming from Sam.
"That it, come on! I know you can hear me, you need to open your eyes now." Sam heard the voice as if in the distance, and tried to find his way back. A wash of pain came over him as he started to regain consciousness, and he kept his eyes closed until it subsided slightly.
When he finally opened his eyes slowly, his vision was slightly blurry, but he could still see Dean. Funny, Sam thought almost drunkenly. He almost looks like he's been crying. But Dean doesn't cry. He tried mightily to sit up, but dizziness overcame him and he fell back against Dean.
"Hang on, it's okay. Don't rush it." Dean tried to make his voice patient and soothing. He was hoping to keep Sam calm. He felt at least one of them should be, because he definitely wasn't. He didn't think he would ever get over how lifeless Sam had looked as he had laid there unconscious.
He finally gave in to what he felt the need to do and put both arms around Sam, hugging him, while resting his head on top of Sam's. He took a deep breath and exhaled, trying to convince himself that his baby brother was ok.
Sam was shocked, to say the least. To say Dean was not a hugging type of person would be a huge understatement. He realized in that instant how much he must have scared Dean and a huge lump formed in his throat.
"I'm sorry Dean," Sam whispered brokenly. "I didn't mean it…"
Dean didn't know if Sam was apologizing what he had said earlier, or if he was sorry for letting Dean see him like this, or if it was something else entirely. And right now, he didn't care. He just wanted to take care of his brother.
"Shhh. It's okay. Don't think about it right now."
They just stayed like that for a while, Dean taking comfort in just listening to Sam breathe, and Sam gathering strength just from Dean being Dean. When Sam figured they'd had enough of a chick flick moment to last a lifetime, he looked at Dean and asked him shakily to help him up. Dean complied instantly, and Sam pretended not to see as Dean took a last swipe at his teary eyes.
Dean pulled him up, and kept a hand on his arm until Sam nodded that he thought he was okay on his own. They started back towards the car slowly, Dean slightly ahead of Sam. Looking at his brother's back, Sam knew he had to try to make amends.
"Dean." He heard his name, butDean didn't stop as Sam continued with a slight lump in his throat. "I just want to say….I mean….you have to know I didn't mean most of what I said."
That stopped Dean in his tracks. He turned to look back at Sam. "You didn't mean most of it? Care to tell me which part you did mean?" Although he tried, he couldn't totally keep the hurt and worry from his voice. Does Sam really not want me around?
Sam blanched as he realized what Dean was thinking. His breath hitched a little as he rushed to explain. "Oh God, not that! I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have said I didn't need you. It's not true – I always do. Too much sometimes I know. I don't know what I would do without you. I just thought that if I said it, you would leave me and I could protect you." Sam had been rambling but all of a sudden caught Dean's look of curiosity and concern at his last sentence and realized he had said too much again. When am I going to learn to shut up when I'm ahead? How am I going to explain this?
It was practically killing Sam to not just go ahead and spill out the whole thing. His bond with his brother was so tight that no matter how hurt Dean was that Sam wasn't telling his everything, it was paining Sam more. But once he said the words, there was no taking them back. He didn't even think he had the right words.
Dean started to ask something, and Sam knew whatever it was, he wasn't ready to tell him the answer and Dean wasn't ready to hear it, no matter what he thought. He cut him off before he could start.
"Please, Dean, just…. don't. I can't talk about this right now."
Dean began to protest, but then really took a look at Sam. As much as he was trying to hide it, his eyes showed that he was still in immense pain, and he looked exhausted with dark circles under his eyes. Circles that couldn't have come from just today. How did I miss those before? Have I really been that blind? He came to a decision.
"OK, but I'm not letting this go. Not this time Sam. We are going to talk about this once you're rested up some." He made his voice tough to cover his concern. Sam looked bleak but just nodded.
They continued walking toward the car, but since his vision was still slightly blurry from the pain that hadn't left completely,Sam stumbled badly over some pebbles. Dammit! He was near tears again over his own ineptitude. But without saying a word, Dean immediately turned back around and put his arm around Sam's waist, helping him until he was in the car's passenger seat.
"Thanks," Sam whispered as he closed his eyes.
"Anytime, Sammy. Anytime." And for once, the nickname, instead of annoying Sam, comforted him.
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A/N: Okay, I know this was really angsty, but I felt that they needed it to get past this point, especially since they are going to have enough other problems to deal with soon. And no, I will not be keeping you in suspense. I will be trying to update at least once over the weekend and you will find out in the next chapter the secrets (plural) Sam has been keeping from Dean. Plus Dean does something that seems innocent but has huge ramifications. Please review! Thanks!