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"Negative," she whispered and he sighed, wrapping his arms around her as they stood silently in their bathroom.
Their third negative in as many months.
Their last one.
She let out a sob and he shook his head, rocking with her gently. "Sh sh sh…" he whispered.
"I'm so sorry," she said after a minute.
He pulled back quickly to look at her. "What??? Why are you apologizing baby… no…" he said softly and she nodded falling into his chest, letting her tears fall.
"The-the kids are gonna be sad and… I feel like a failure…." She whispered.
He led her to their room and they sat on the edge of the bed. Turning to face her, he cupped her cheeks. "You're not a failure. The kids will understand. It wasn't meant to happen and that's okay… it just means we have a baby out there waiting for us who needs us," he whispered and lean in to kiss her.
Her lip quivered and she nodded quickly. "You're allowed to cry and be sad… it's okay…" he said against her lips and she broke down again onto his chest.
He held her until she relaxed and ushered her out to their couch. She curled up with him and fell fast asleep in his lap. The emotional toll of 5 months of hormones and 3 rounds of IVF to produce nothing had hit her like a truck.
It was awful. She was exhausted and he was hurting for her.
He shot Eli a text that said "negative" and he replied with a sad face.
The three kids walked in about 30 minutes later and Noah and Emma immediately curled up with her. She woke slightly at the movements and tears sprang to her eyes as she held them close to her.
"Mommy don't cry," Emma whispered, "we love you the most," she said smiling small and Liv kissed her temple and nodded.
"I know baby… I know and I'm so so lucky… I'm just a little sad right now is all…" she nodded and Noah gently played with her hair, staying quiet.
"Are you okay?" She asked him softly and he nodded, trying to be brave, but he was still young even though he pretended to not be. His little lip quivered and he leaned into her crying softly.
"I'm just sad for you and I really wanted a baby…" he said softly. El knelt in front of them and wrapped his arms securely around them all, allowing their emotions to flow.
Eli took a seat on the arm of the couch and gently rubbed his moms shoulder. "I'm sorry momma… I love you…"
She covered his hand with her's. "Thank you baby… I love you." She nodded and took a deep breath. "I love all of you. So much. I'm so lucky that I have the three of you and the big kids, too…" her voice cracked, "I'm so blessed."
Later that night, Liv laid in her bed with Emma, chatting about the whole thing.
"Do you think you and daddy would have had more babies if he stayed," she asked softly and Liv nodded. "I do… but we might not have found Noah so… I'll take him any day."
She nodded against her mom's chest and Noah came in with Elliot, fresh from brushing his teeth. He questioned Liv with his eyes and she gave him a nod, smiling slightly.
El shut the door and Noah climbed up, curling on the other side of Liv. "Sleep over?" Elliot asked gently and both kids nodded, staying cuddled to their mom.
Noah twirled her hair lightly, his habit putting him to sleep quickly. Liv looked down at Emma, rubbing her cheek gently. "Thank you for making me a mommy, baby," she whispered.
El got emotional as he watched them. Their bond was like no other.
Emma smiled up at her, her blue eyes piercing. "I love you momma."
Liv was on the phone with Jenny the next morning. "Yeah… yeah it was negative. I mean… I'm devastated but…" she sighed. "It is what it is I guess."
El listened to her from outside their bathroom. "It sucks. El is upset the kids are upset… but I guess it is what it is. Uh huh. Yeah I'll come in this morning. Okay. Thanks, Jenny."
The door opened and she found him waiting for her. "I'm just gonna run to the office this morning for blood work so they can adjust the hormones and start weaning down," she said with teary eyes.
He nodded and wrapped his arms snuggly around her. "I love you," she said, "we're okay…"
He nodded and looked down at her. "I should be telling you that," he chuckled, wiping his eyes.
"You get a free pass from being strong— it's your birthday tomorrow and we have plans and no kids," she wiggled her brows and forced a smile.
He nodded hesitantly, worried about her as always but he knew this wasn't the time or place.
"I gotta go," she said, pecking his lips and heading out to work and hugging the kids goodbye.
When she finally got to the office she was in a daze. Fin knew they'd been trying and he noticed her odd demeanor.
"Hey Cap… you're alright?" He asked, sitting across from her.
"Huh?" She looked up started and then took a breath and nodded, "oh yeah… yeah Fin I'm okay. Thanks."
He knew El told him by the way he was lingering and she looked up at him. "It's okay… we're meeting with Langan this afternoon to get all the stuff done for the kids for Christmas so.. it's fine Fin really… I'm fine."
Nodding slowly and took a breath. "Well… I'm here if you need me, Liv… okay?"
She nodded and he took his cue to leave and shut her door. Sitting back, she let out a deep breath and let a hand trail to her belly.
"Guys I'm so sorry I'm late," Liv said walking into the small conference room at the OC.
"No problem babe was just catching up with my old friend Trevor," El said, kissing her and laughing against her lips when she pinched him.
"He was behaved," Trevor said laughing.
"Well like I said, you saved her ass and got her our boy so," he shrugged, "I owe you."
The three sat at the table and signed the rest of the papers.
"You're sure you don't want to hyphenate?" El asked her and she nodded. "Just second middle name it. They want to be yours, so," she said smiling.
He looked down at the paper and smiled at the two names staring back at him.
Emma Bernadette Benson Stabler
Noah Porter Benson Stabler
"One last initial and they're yours," Liv said, noting the last place he hadn't signed.
He took a deep breath and leaned to kiss her, his eyes welling up. He initialed and Liv clapped, a genuine smile on her face for the first time since their second negative test.
"Alright, Elliot, congrats youre officially two kids poorer," Trevor said and they all laughed.
Langan left and Liv sat back in her chair. "They're gonna flip," she smiled and he nodded. "Yeah they are."
They stared at each other for several moments before he grasped her hand. "Go okay this morning?"
She took a stuttered breath and smiled small. "Yes… Listen I just wanna enjoy this moment and your birthday tomorrow… We've been on baby talk since before Hawaii I just… I need a break… is that okay?"
Her voice sounded desperate and he nodded. "Of course it is," he said as he leaned in to kiss her.
"Hey, I know we were planning for a night alone tomorrow but if you want our kids there we c-" she cut him off with a kiss.
"No, I want my husband all to myself on his birthday," she whispered seductively, kissing him again. "Don't treat me like I'm breakable okay?"
He nodded slowly, awkwardly adjusting himself in his pants and she chuckled, standing up right. "You're too easy Stabler," she said, pecking his lips, "I love you, see you tonight."
She walked out with a bit of a sway to her hips and his breath caught in his throat.
Liv went back to her office to play Captain and laughed hysterically when she got a picture from him of the outline of his cock through his pants.
E: Can't stop thinking about you.
O: I hope that Jet has your phone cloned and sees this.
E: She doesn't… I don't think…
O: Hahaha. I love you.
E: I love you more. So much. You're my favorite person and the strongest person I know and the best mom and Captain and wife and partner. I don't tell you enough.
O: You tell me plenty, El. I'll see you tonight.
The next morning, he was woken up by his two youngest jumping on him.
He startled and opened his eyes looking at them they giggled.
"Happy Birthday Daddy!"
"Happy Birthday, Dad!"
They cried together and he smiled, yawning and sitting up. Eli walked in just then with a tray of food, looking equally exhausted but always willing to do whatever for his two tiny best friends.
"Happy Birthday, old man." He said with a smile, setting the plate down.
Liv came in behind him with a cup of coffee for her and Eli. El took his from the tray and looked at Noah. "Dude did you make this?? It's the best!"
He grinned and hugged into his dad's side. "Welcome daddy. Emma cut up the fruit and did the toast and Eli made the eggs and bacon," he said excitedly.
"And Noah ate half the bacon," Eli added with a laugh.
Emma snuggled into his other side and handed him a card from the three of them, signed with little notes.
"Oh thank you guys this is awesome," he smiled and Noah looked at his big brother excitedly.
Eli laughed and handed him a gift bag. "This is from us," he said smiling.
El pulled out a Mets jersey with "DAD" on the back and grinned huge. "Guys this is the best birthday ever! Thank you so much I love it."
Liv watched her husband interact with their three kids and beamed. She felt at ease and happy for the first time in a while, and it wasn't lost on her husband.
"Faster!! Faster please oh fuck, daddy!" Liv screamed as Elliot plowed into her from behind.
His hand found her hair and pulled her back slightly as his other hand connected with her ass.
"Turn it on," he muttered and he heard her click on the vibrator that was held against her swollen bundle of nerves.
The increasing speed and pitch of his moans made her whine and her back arch. "I can't hold it El I'm gonna... fuck!"
The remnants of the lingerie she surprised him in was scattered around the room and he groaned, feeling his release come barreling through him.
Spilling inside of her, she shattered at the feeling of him pulsating. "Fuck... fuck oh..." he said breathlessly as he collapsed beside her.
She smiled over at him, her breathing regulating , and took his hand. "I love you," she whispered, moving in his lap to straddle him. Grasping his hands tightly, she remained quiet a moment before speaking.
"I have one more gift for you," she whispered softly, looking down at their intertwined hands and he nodded slowly.
She got up and grabbed a card from her purse, handing it over to him and kneeling back beside him, leaning back on her legs.
He smiled at her and opened it, pulling the card from the envelope. "Is this payback for my original letter," he teased and she laughed, gently smacking his thigh.
"Just open it…"
He gave her a funny look and opened it, staring for a minute before looking back up to her.