Here's chapter two for you! The plans finally come into action. Also, I want to say that for those who have been wondering where the Qiaos are in this fanfic, well, in upcoming chapters, Sun Ce and Zhou Yu will have their first encounter with them. I really want to my express gratitude for telling me that Old Lady Sun is really Lady Wu. Now I don't have to call her Old Lady Sun! And thanks for all the reviews guys! But the review that said that the plan was stolen from Ce himself is starting to worry me…
Disclaimer: I don't own Dynasty Warriors.
Meet the Suns
Chapter II: Dinner Disaster at Wu's Banquet Hall
Summary: Sun Shang Xiang and Liu Bei are engaged and now Liu Bei has to meet her family before the wedding. However, the Suns don't seem to like the new family addition at all. Will Liu Bei survive the hellish week?
Wu's banquet hall was extraordinary.
It was a colossal dining room with turquoise walls, lined by pillars of the same material. The floor on the other hand was made of gleaming white marble. While on the ceiling there hung a large crystal chandelier that shined so brightly.
The long rectangular dinning table stretched through most of the room. It was made of the best red wood. And there was glass covering the surface, because Lady Wu really liked the table and didn't want it to be ruined.
The chairs were padded with soft and comfortable red satin cushions.
Liu Bei's jaw dropped as he sat down. Everything was so beautiful.
Sun Jian sat at the head of the table, flanked by Lady Wu and Sun Ce. Curiously, there were two empty seats after them on both sides. Then Shang Xiang sat in front of Liu Bei beside Zhuge Liang and Zhao Yun. While Guan Yu and Zhang Fei sat in front of each other. The rest of the table was taken up by the Wu generals.
"Ce, where's your brother and your little friend?" Lady Wu asked.
"Quan and Zhou Yu? Well, they're getting ready…" Sun Ce replied, playing with his chopsticks, "Yeah, chopstick, you think you can beat me, the soup spoon?"
Sun Quan and Zhou Yu were getting ready, but for something else…
A lot of servants were going in and out of the kitchen, brining in ingredients for the chefs who were cooking dinner for the banquet.
Stopping one of them, Zhou Yu picked a particular bowl of noodles and instructed the servant to give it to Liu Bei. Then he handed it to Sun Quan.
"What me to do with this, Zhou Yu?" he asked, staring at the bowl.
"I need you to place some rat poison into this." Zhou Yu instructed.
"Rat poison? But Liu Bei is a human, shouldn't we use human poison? This will have no effect…" Sun Quan protested.
"But it causes internal hemorrhage, so I doubt that anyone can survive. Besides, there's no such thing as human poison. No one is crazy enough to purchase that or manufacture it to say the least." Yu replied, throwing a black sack on the table, "The poison is in here. I need to do something else with the food."
Quan nodded and scanned through the sack, while Zhou Yu went off to sabotage the dinner.
"Hmm…There are no labels…" Sun Quan murmured, picking up a bottle. "Laxatives…hmm…that must be the scientific name or something for rat poison."
He shrugged and opened the bottle, dumping mounds of it into the food.
Meanwhile, Liu Bei sat looking at the Suns nervously. He felt a slightly suspicious atmosphere with them, especially from the large man standing behind Sun Jian. "Can I just ask who that large man behind you is?" Liu Bei inquired, tensely pointing to the scary-looking man behind Sun Jian.
"Are you speaking of him? Oh, he's Huang Gai, my personal bodyguard." Sun Jian answered as Huang Gai grunted. He was bewildered as to why Liu Bei looked so nervous. Then, it struck him. A malicious grin spread upon his face. "Yes and did I mention that Huang Gai is not a very social person? He completely hates people, well except for me and my family. He crushes human skulls with his bear hands! Isn't that sweet?"
Shang Xiang looked at her father, "Really, dad? I never knew that about Huang Gai."
The bodyguard himself looked confused until Sun Jian whispered into his ear.
"Right, I hate people!" Huang Gai growled, glaring at Lu Xun at the end of the table. The young strategist yelped and held onto Lu Meng who was seated beside him.
"Why is Huang Gai acting like an ogre tonight?" Lu Xun asked, keeping his voice to a whisper. "He's merely acting." Lu Meng explained, "It's just supposed to scare Liu Bei." Shrugging off the frightening death glare, Lu Xun turned back to see what was going on.
The food had finally come in and everyone began to eat.
They all looked delectable and mouth watering. Even the scarlet wine was quite nice to look sample. It had been made out of Wu's best grapes.
"Ce, where's your brother and that friend of yours?" Lady Wu asked.
Sun Ce looked anxiously at the doors to the kitchen. "Don't worry, mother. They'll be here soon. But while they're not here, I'll entertain you with a funny story!" Ce was merely trying to divert his mother's attention from the on-going scheme.
On the other hand, Liu Bei was looking again and again at Huang Gai who glared at Liu Bei furiously. He gulped when he noticed Huang Gai pick something up from the dinner table. "What is Huang Gai doing, Lord Jian?" Liu Bei asked, twitching nervously. The Tiger of Jiang Dong looked at his muscular bodyguard for awhile and then turned back to slurping his soup. "Oh, he's making a statuette out of the peas." he answered in between loud slurps, "Wow, this is good!"
Liu Bei looked with interest as Huang Gai finished the sculpture. The bodyguard looked at it admiringly. "He seems to be very artistic." Liu Bei complimented, gazing at the sculpture of peas, "Hey, that resembles me." Sure enough the peas were crafted into the very likeness of the Shu ruler. Huang Gai smiled at it.
Then he sent his fist flying down on the peas. Tiny green ball-like vegetables flew everywhere. It was a horrible pea massacre! The little green vegetables just flew around. Strangely though, Lady Wu didn't notice a thing while she listened to her son's distraction. Huang Gai pounded on the sculpture, disfiguring it. The scene was horrible complete with maniacal laughs and mashed peas flying everywhere. Liu Bei looked horrified. He shook Zhao Yun, "Zhao Yun, I don't feel safe." Liu Bei whispered, hiding behind his bodyguard.
Looking at Liu Bei, bewildered, Zhao Yun replied, "But my lord, there's nothing to fear, we are all here to protect you."
"Besides, if Wu is really trying anything devious, then I can tell from a mile away if their conceited strategist, Zhou Yu is up to anything. I doubt if any trickery they try can get past me." Zhuge Liang butt-in.
"Why must you always interrupt, Zhuge Liang?" Liu Bei murmured, glaring at his strategist who sometimes enjoyed pissing him off, "Speaking of conceited strategists, I don't think he's the only one around here." "I heard that."
Right then, Sun Quan and Zhou Yu entered the hall.
"Finally, you guys arrived!" Ce exclaimed joyfully, "What took you so long?"
With a devious smile, Yu answered, "Oh, we had some things to take care of."
The Tiger of Jiang Dong was still slurping his soup loudly. "You're both so late." Suddenly, Lady Wu stepped on his foot, "Yowch! What was that for?"
"That was for being a rude hooligan with no table manners whatsoever in front of our guest, Jian." Lady Wu murmured, staring at him. He then sat was tall as he could and sticking his stomach in and his chest out, Sun Jian picked up a tiny table spoon by his thumb and middle finger with refinement. He than took a tiny sip. "How was that, dear wife?" he asked through clenched teeth.
"That's much better, Jian."
Sometimes she was so scary, she made Lu Bu look like Barney the dinosaur. Sun Jian would love to see the big galoot take on his wife.
"Ce, why are there peas on the floor?" Sun Quan asked as he and Zhou Yu took the empty seats.
"Dad made Huang Gai throw a real bad tantrum." Ce explained, "Anyway, did you guys succeed?"
"We did, my lord." Zhou Yu answered, keeping his voice to a minimum to keep the others from hearing, "I trust that you put the rat poison, Lord Sun Quan?"
With a wink, Sun Quan nodded. "Yes, I put the laxatives in the food."
"Laxatives; you want Liu Bei to take laxatives?" Sun Ce asked, skeptical.
Zhou Yu's face turned pale. He shook it off and then he stood up and smiled at Lady Wu who was silently enjoying the dinner. "Lady Wu, may Lord Sun Ce, Lord Sun Quan and I possibly be excused for a reasonably short time?" Zhou Yu asked gleaming with all the politeness and sophistication he could dish out.
"Yes you may." she muttered.
The two brothers looked at each other in relief. Asking their mother to be excused from the table was like playing Russian-roulette. If you were lucky then you could get off but if you weren't, then pray that your corpse will have nice resting place. They stood up, following Yu, who made a brief motion to Gan Ning who immediately stood up and followed quite perplexed.
Zhuge Liang stared at Zhou Yu with great suspicion. The Wu strategist frowned back at him with dagger eyes.
The four of them assembled at the men's restroom.
"Well, it seems that the ploy has taken a turn for the worse as Lord Sun Quan has mixed up the rat poison with laxatives." Yu started as he inspected the men's room, "No worries, for I will still see to it that Liu Be dies."
"You want to kill Liu Bei?" Sun Ce asked in complete shock and horror.
"Yes, why, I thought that was the main goal of the plan."
"We're not trying to kill the man, Yu, come on; we're only trying to make sure that Shang Xiang doesn't marry him!"
"Why stop at that when we can completely eliminate him?"
"If he does die, my mom's gonna throw a fit and it'll be my head rolling. I want to kill him too, but this is my mother we're talking about here. You know what she does to my pop, it'll be even worse if this stupid fiancé she likes gets killed?"
Ce pouted, folding his arms across his chest. He pursed his lips and gave Yu a face of a child that would not give up until he gets what he wants.
"Alright," Zhou Yu said, giving in, "If this plan fails, even if that if highly unlikely, then I will give up all thoughts of killing him and I shall then try to make him suffer. But for now, the goal is to kill him."
"I apologize, then." Sun Quan cut in, "It is entirely my fault that I mixed up rat poison with – laxatives – that estrange substance."
"Do not worry, my lords for I have a remedy for this – minor setback." Yu explained, turning to Gan Ning, "That's where you come in."
"What do ya want me to do?" Gan Ning asked, looking at the others, puzzled.
"Knowing the effects of laxatives, I want you to booby-trap the cubicles."
"You're kidding." Gan Ning snapped.
"I'm not the type that enjoys jokes, general."
"Take it from me," Ce whispered to the pirate, "he's a real tight ass…"
Zhou Yu snorted, "I heard that. Anyway, I believe I must repeat that I'm not joking, besides if this plan does succeed, then Lady Wu shall be too grievous over Liu Bei to even remember your little mishap. And you do remember that incident, right?"
Looking thoughtfully at the ceiling, the memories just poured into Gan Ning.
Crawling under a table, the pirate slowly made his way towards the doorway of the mess hall while dodging pieces of food flying everywhere. "Damn food fight…" Gan Ning cursed as he finally reached the exit. He was home free! He slammed the door open all the while dodging a stray noodle that flew in his direction. Then he ran out, screaming at the top of his lungs, "TO HELL WITH YOU ALL!" But as that fleeting moment of victory came, he collided into someone.
Gan Ning looked at the person he bumped into and was horror-struck.
It was Lady Wu.
"I-I'm sorry, my lady!" Gan Ning stammered, staring at Lady Wu in a daze. Her face was red with rage.
Half an hour of nagging, scolding and screaming, Gan Ning found himself scrubbing the toilets, cleaning the moat, washing all the floors in the estate, feeding the horses, cleaning their - manure and all house chores for two entire months.
With a loud sigh, Gan Ning looked back at the others, "Do I have a choice?"
They then returned to the dinning hall, leaving Gan Ning to his work.
Zhuge Liang soon became suspicious as the Wu generals came back. "Did all three of you generals need to go together at the same time? And what's strange is that you all came back at the same time." The Sleeping Dragon commented as they sat down, "By the way, where's Gan Ning?"
"I don't need to answer you." Ce teased, sticking his tongue out.
Suddenly, the servants came in the dining hall with the main course and noodles. Steam came out from the cracks of the dishes as they were set down on the table.
"It's about time. " Shang Xiang said, turning to Liu Bei, "Are you okay?" She looked worried.
The Shu ruler held an iron grip on Zhao Yun's arm while sucking his thumb. He was obviously still shaken after the pea assault. Liu Bei just nodded absent-mindedly, sucking his thumb even more as the poisoned bowl of noodles was placed before him.
"This is priceless!" Sun Jian whispered to Huang Gai who nodded in agreement, "I doubt if she respects him now." He laughed a bit to himself.
"Aw, you look so cute like that, Liu Bei!" beamed Shang Xiang embracing Liu Bei. The Shu ruler let go of Zhao Yun much to his bodyguard's relief, since the circulation in his arm had long been cut off.
The Tiger of Jiang Dong groaned softly upon seeing the scene. His plan had backfired.
"T-thanks, Shang Xiang…" the Shu ruler muttered, as she let go.
Then at that moment, Gan Ning returned, "It's all finished, sirs." he whispered, "With what I have done, Liu Bei's not getting out of the bathroom alive." The pirate then hurried to his seat.
"What was that about, Gan Ning?" Lu Xun asked, watching Gan Ning as he sat down. The other generals eyed him too, awaiting an answer. With a smirk, Gan Ning just laughed, "Heh, you'll see."
Liu Bei then turned to his noodles. "They look bizarre." he commented quite perplexed.
"Yes, they're a special kind." Sun Quan lied, grinning.
"My lord," Zhuge Liang started, peeking at the noodles, "they look delectable indeed, but why don't you let your brothers taste it as well? I'm sure they will enjoy it as well and besides, it shows more brotherly bonding between you three."
Guan Yu and Zhang Fei looked at each other and shrugged.
"Alright then, here it is." Liu Bei said, passing his bowl. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei tasted it. "Wow, this s good!" they exclaimed, gulping down the rest of the food. "What's in this stuff?" Zhang Fei hollered, sucking the noodles like vacuum.
"What are those savages doing?" Zhou Yu asked, horrified. Sun Ce was beside himself with rage. "Damn it! At the rate they're going, that moron's not going to eat a bit of the laxatives!" he cursed.
When the two brothers finished, the table was a mess and Lady Wu was not happy. "What rude servants…" she murmured to herself, thinking wrongly of whom Guan Yu and Zhang Fei were.
Zhang Fei burped loudly. "Oops."
"Ah, that was actually delicious." Guan Yu muttered, rubbing his belly which had bulged out of proportion. Liu Bei looked on at them in shock, "Never mind, I wasn't hungry anyway…"
Suddenly, a loud rumbling sound echoed throughout the dining hall. It seemed to come from the bowels of Guan Yu and Zhang Fei's now bloated stomachs. "I feel weird…" Zhang Fei moaned, standing up with Guan Yu, "Can we use the little general's room?"
"Sure, it's just down the hall." Shang Xiang said.
"Damn it, are they going to where I think they're going?" Gan Ning cursed, sinking down his chair. Lu Meng looked at him, suspicious. "What's wrong?" "I booby-trapped the bathrooms…"
"Isn't that a good thing?" Lu Xun asked.
"Of course not, "Gan Ning snapped, "They're fierce fighters, so definitely, there's going to be big commotion."
Later on, the two brothers were doing their…erm…business…
"Oh there, it's coming out…" Zhang Fei sighed. He then looked down at the bowl, "Wheew! That one there's a doozie!" All of a sudden, a low growl sounded from the toilet bowl. "What the-"
Meanwhile, Guan Yu had just finished. He was whistling a merry tune while washing his hands. Then, one of the cubicles burst open and water gushed out along with Zhang Fei who was wrestling a gigantic crocodile in his underpants. The large reptile struggled against the might of Zhang Fei who held its jaws shut. Its large tail was swishing around, splashing water about.
"Zhang Fei, I'll help you take down that dirty urinal containment unit beast!" Guan Yu exclaimed, jumping on the crocodile. They beat its head with their bare fists and smacked it with toilet seats.
Walking into banquet hall while they were dirty and dripping wet, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei murmured some words and sat down.
"Wow, your activity seems difficult," Zhao Yun commented, "you should chew more thoroughly the next time you eat, generals."
"Yes, you two looked like you wrestled an alligator." Liu Bei said.
"But it looks more like a crocodile attack to me." The Sleeping Dragon mentioned, as they two brothers grunted in reply.
Gan Ning sighed heavily, "That crocodile was so difficult to get in…"
"Gan Ning, Gan Ning, Gan Ning…" Lu Meng murmured, "You don't need a 12 foot crocodile to succeed."
"Yeah, you need a 20 foot whale." Taishi Ci added.
"No, I think he needs a 15 foot tiger." Lu Xun suggested.
"That's not the point!" Lu Mrng exclaimed, "My point is that we can use Fire."
"Fire; Lu Meng, have you become influenced by Lu Xun?" Taishi C asked, terrified.
"No, Fire is the name of Lu Xun's pet rodent."
"Rod – what?" Gan Ning questioned.
"Oh right, my pet mouse." The young strategist dug around his pocket. He pulled out a tiny white mouse with bright orange eyes. He then set it on his lap. "What do you want Fire to do?"
Lu Meng then held Fire by the tail and set him down on the floor.
"I need Fire to create havoc. I heard somewhere that females are frightened of rodents. If Shang Xiang and Lady Wu start screaming or panicking and Liu Bei messes up trying to help out, he will be shamed. That should set Liu Bei straight."
Little Fire scurried under the table.
"Hey, Lu Xun, what's that on your lap? Chocolate?" Gan Ning asked. The young strategist looked down, "Oh, curses, Fire has excreted his wastes on me again!" Lu Xun lamented, flicking the chocolate off.
"He did what on you?"
"Fire pooped on me!"
After making it through a crowd of feet, Fire crawled onto Lady Wu's foot. She looked under the table and shrieked, "THERE'S A RAT!"
Shang Xiang looked surprised, "There's a rat under the table?"
Everyone stood up and backed away in a hurry.
Huang Gai grabbed a chair and smashed it on the floor completely missing Fire. "Zhou Tai, help Hang Gai kill that rat!" Sun Quan yelled, as him bodyguard tried to step on poor Fire who became flustered and began to scurry about even more. As Sun Quan's bodyguard grabbed at Fire, the mouse retaliated with a powerful bite.
"Fire's going to be killed!" Lu Xun exclaimed, tugging on Lu Meng.
Liu Bei watched the mouse run in between the feet of the two bodyguards who were trying their best to smash him with dining utensils and more chairs. Lady Wu was more horrified with the damages rather than Fire.
Bits of porcelain and wood flew around everywhere as Zhou Tai and Huang Gai turned the banquet into a demolition derby. "Eat chair, you bubonic vermin!" Huang Gai yelled, smashing another chair.
"Zhao Yun, get the mouse!" Liu Bei ordered. The Shu bodyguard nodded in obedience and he dove down under the table. Fire ran about the floor but after crawling about, Zhao Yun seized him by the back of the neck. "There we go." he said, standing up.
Lu Xun ran up to Zhao Yun, "I will take care of it." he said, snatching Fire. Then he secretly placed it in his pocket.
Staring at the wreckage that Fire had cause, Sun Jian spoke up, "I guess dinner's over."
After the mess, everyone retired to their bedrooms.
Liu Bei went to his room which was much to the Wu generals' joy far away from Shang Xiang, his brothers or Zhuge Liang. But Zhao Yun insisted on staying in the hallway.
Not so far from there, Sun Ce, Zhou Yu and Sun Quan were staking out, behind a corner. "Man, doesn't he ever sleep?" Ce whined.
"Have patience, my lord." Zhou Yu said, "Before this night is over Liu Bei will be dead."
"What did I say about killing him?" Ce snapped, "You have serious issues, Zhou Yu."
"Anyway, we better begin planning. After all the mishaps tonight, we can now say that it will be difficult to get rid of Liu Bei" Sun Quan cut in.
Sun Ce then pointed at the doorway. "Liu Bei, you're not going to get away so easily!"
Will Liu Bei and the Shu generals be able to survive the night? What nefarious schemes will await them? And will Zhao Yun ever sleep? All will be answered in the next chapter!
To be continued…