Condoms
Summary: Ginji has a question, and Ban doesn't want to answer. But our favorite blonde is determined to know the answer, so he goes on a quest to find out—"What are condoms and how do you use them?"
Yet another humor one-shot! Need I say anything more?
Ban decided that Ginji was quiet. Too quiet. Normally, his blonde partner was a happy and cheerful person. But now he looked just too troubled for the Jagan user's liking.
"Okay, Ginji, what's on your mind?" he finally asked. "You can tell me, you know."
Ginji blinked, looking startled. "Huh? Oh…it's nothing, Ban-chan." He smiled cheekily, and then reverted back to his thinking mode.
After a few minutes, Ginji spoke again…with a very disturbing question. "Ban-chan, what are condoms? What are they for?"
Ban nearly choked on the coffee he was drinking. "W-what?"
Ginji merely looked at him curiously, as if his question was as normal as "Why is the sky blue?" or "Why do birds fly?"
But no.
His question was…
"What are condoms? What are they for? And how do you use them?"
"Er…uh…" Ban desperately wanted to change the subject. Damn it, Ginji was just too innocent for his own good…"Hey, look! A flying ice cream truck!"
"Where!"
The minute Ginji turned around, Ban made a mad dash for the door of Honky Tonk, leaving Natsumi and Paul bewildered at his sudden disappearance.
Ginji turned again, and blinked. "Where's Ban-chan?"
Natsumi pointed at the door, gesturing with her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of Honky Tonk. "He ran out, Ginji."
The Thunder Emperor frowned. "Why? All I did was ask what condoms are for and how do you use them…" Paul, at these words, was slowly edging away. "Ah! Paul, Natsumi, what are condoms?"
Paul gulped. "Oh, wait, I think I hear my cellphone ringing! Gotta go!" and he slipped into the backdoor.
"Natsumi?"
The girl froze. Uh-oh…
"I didn't know Paul had a cellphone…" Ginji said, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "So, Natsumi, do you—"
"I have just received a telepathic message that I need to leave, right now!" She suddenly announced, and off she went, throwing her uncute little rag, which she always uses to wipe the already clean counter of Honky Tonk, straight at Ginji as she disappeared.
Ginji frowned. "Why won't anyone answer me?" he whined.
Since Ban, Natsumi and Paul were nowhere to be found, Ginji decided to go look for someone else who could answer his question. "I'll go and ask the other VOLTS Kings," he decided.
So he dashed away for Madoka's mansion, since it was the nearest. He was instantly greeted by the dog. What was it's name again? Chopin? Mozart? Beethoven?
What was with females and naming their dogs after musicians, anyway?
Shido magically dropped down from the sky. "Ginji! I thought it was you!"
"Shido!" he greeted. "How did you know it was me?"
"I thought I smelled you!" Shido explained.
Ginji blinked. "You can smell me?"
"Each person has their own subtle smell, you know…but only those with heightened senses can smell it," Shido explained further.
Ginji blinked, not understanding Shido. "So…uh…your senses grew taller?"
"What?"
"You said they were heightened!"
"No, I meant—" Shido slapped his forehead. "Never mind." The two of them leisurely walked to the garden, where they were greeted by Madoka.
"Shido! Ginji! I thought I heard you two talking!" she said, blindly groping for something to hold to. Chopin, or Mozart, or Beethoven, was nowhere to be seen. The female violinist ended up hitting a wall.
"Madoka!" Shido ran up and took her from the wall. "Are you hurt?"
"Not at all!" Madoka smiled at him.
"That's good." Shido breathed a sigh of relief.
"So, Ginji…" Madoka turned to their visitor—well, at least, where she believed Ginji was. She actually ended up facing the wall. "What are you here for?"
"I came to ask if you know what condoms are and how you use them," Ginji answered simply.
There was an awkward pause.
A strong wind paused by, sending a tree falling down.
Thunder and lightning cracked through the skies.
It began raining.
Yet Madoka and Shido didn't speak.
"Madoka? Shido?" Ginji was half-afraid he had turned his friends to stone. They were still wearing that shocked, horrified look on their faces. "I'm sorry, I suppose you guys didn't know the answer to my question. Who do you think we know can answer—"
Suddenly, Shido jumped up. "You know what, Ginji? Madoka and I have something to do. Goodbye!" And he scooped Madoka up in his arms and sped away.
Ginji only had time to blink before the two were but a mere speck as they disappeared.
He shrugged. Oh well. There were others to ask.
Like Kazuki and Jubei, for instance!
Ginji happily skipped to the apartment Kazuki and Jubei shared, whistling cheerfully 'I Just Can't Wait to Be King!' from Lion King. He couldn't wait to find out the answer to his question!
He rang the doorbell and waited patiently.
No one answered. Not even a 'Wait just a second!'
So he knocked, gently.
No answer.
Then he started banging on the door.
Ginji pouted. "KAZUKI! JUBEI!" He screamed. "LET ME IN!"
Still no answer.
"What can those two be doing that they can't even hear me?" he complained. "That's it. I'm barging in!" And he kicked the door open.
Kazuki and Jubei were…at the couch. Wrapped in a blanket. Naked. Hugging? Ginji blinked. "Hi, you two."
The two seemed to realize they had a guest. "GINJI!" They both screamed, just a little too loudly. "What are you doing here?"
The blonde glared at them. "I rang the doorbell, knocked, screamed your names, and yet you didn't hear me?"
"We, were, uh…" Jubei looked embarrassed. "A little busy."
"Yeah, busy," Kazuki echoed.
Ginji blinked. "Busy doing what?"
The two coughed and looked away.
If Ginji didn't know, he was too young to know.
"Anyway…" Kazuki began after a long pause. "What are you doing here?"
Ginji grinned toothily. "I wanted to ask you a question!"
"Go on."
"What are condoms?"
Cricket chirps.
"How do you use them?"
More crickets chirp.
"…Why do you want to know?" Jubei asked cautiously.
Ginji looked confused. "I'm just curious."
Jubei and Kazuki exchanged looks.
"See, I saw a commercial for condoms last night…" Ginji began randomly. "It was in a box and everything, and then there was a girl, and then there was a guy, and—"
Somehow, they had to stop Ginji from finishing that sentence. They just had to.
"I say, didn't we promise to meet Madoka and Shido today?" Jubei suddenly said.
"Indeed, my love!" Kazuki sprang up. "Let's go and get dressed and leave!" and they ran to their room, left with their clothes and were out of the house in the speed of light.
Ginji blinked.
What just happened?
Ginji was now walking around town like a lost little puppy. Who could help him answer his question?
He sighed. "Maybe I should go to Infinity City and ask help from Makubex…" sure, Makubex was only 14 years old, but he was a computer genius. He HAD to know what condoms were.
As he was walking, Emishi popped from the ground. "How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" he asked.
Ginji rolled his eyes. "That joke is getting really annoying, Emishi."
"No, it's not!"
"Yes, it is."
"No it's not!"
"Is too."
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"TOO!"
"NOT!"
"TOO!"
"NOT!"
"What are condoms?"
"NO—" Emishi blinked. "What?"
"I said, what are condoms?" Ginji repeated. "See, I've been asking everyone, and they just won't answer me…" he noticed that Emishi was quietly backing away. "Emishi? Where are you going?"
"To a Mad Hatter Tea Party!" Emishi said the first thing that popped into his mind. "Goodbye, Ginji! Tea awaits!" and Emishi flew away.
"Wait a minute…Emishi can fly!" Ginji exclaimed to no one in particular.
Ginji found himself at Honky Tonk again. No such luck. Ban, Paul AND Natsumi hadn't returned.
HEVN suddenly entered Honky Tonk. She raised her eyebrow. "Where's everyone?"
Ginji shrugged. "They all had something to do."
HEVN blinked. "Oh…"
Ginji's eyes lit up. "HEVN, can I ask you a question?"
"…Sure…why not?"
That was HEVN's mistake.
"Do you know what condoms are?"
The well-endowed woman just stood gaping at him. "Excuse me?"
"Condoms," Ginji repeated. "You know what they are, right?"
HEVN looked around wildly for something to distract the blonde. Or at least for a plausible excuse to disappear. A lightbulb appeared. "Ginji, look, a flying ice cream truck!"
Ginji folded his arms. "I'm not falling for that again."
HEVN cursed. Damn the person who already used that excuse! May he fall off a cliff!
Miles away, Ban ended up driving his car off a cliff.
"Oh! My cellphone!" HEVN took out her cellphone, pretending there was a call.
"It's not even ringing, HEVN," Ginji pointed out.
"Ehehehe…it's on vibrate mode?"
"You lie! Cellphones are supposed to ring!"
HEVN cursed again. Damn the people who told Ginji that cellphones can ring! May he trip and fall into a manhole!
Somewhere in Japan, Paul tripped and fell into a manhole.
"C'mon, HEVN. Why won't you guys answer me?"
HEVN sighed. Damn Ginji and his innocence. "Goodbye, Ginji. I have to go." And she dashed away.
Honestly. Why hadn't she done that in the first place?
Ginji was starting to get desperate.
The day was about to end and yet he still hadn't found the answer to his question! Oh, woe is to be Ginji!
Luckily, he encountered Shuichi Shindou, everyone's favorite gay pop superstar IDOL!
"Hello, Ginji-kun!"
"Hello, Shuichi-kun!"
And they both exchanged equally gay hugs that several females actually stopped walking and squealed over the positively gayness of it all.
"How are you doing?" Shuichi asked once they had separated.
"Terrible!" Ginji moaned. "People won't answer my question!"
"What question?" Shuichi smiled stupidly. "I may not be the brightest lightbulb in the box, but I hope I can help you!"
"I hope you can!"
"Is it about Math?"
Ginji shook his head. "No…"
"Science?"
"Nope."
"Then it's gotta be English—"
"No, no, no!" Ginji shook his head. "Shuichi, what are condoms?"
The pink-haired boy froze. "What?"
"What are condoms and how do you use them?" Ginji sighed. "I've asked almost everyone I knew and they wouldn't answer me…" He turned the look at Shuichi hopefully. "Can you answer that?"
"Well…" Shuich scratched his head, a little uncomfortable. "When a man and a woman…er…love each other very much…but don't want to have a baby…they have to use protection…and…uh…"
"So?" Ginji prodded. "Condoms are like…used for protection?"
"Something like that!"
"How do you use them, then?"
Shuichi gulped. This conversation was becoming dangerous. "You know, Bad Luck has practice today! Goodbye, Ginji!" With that, the pink-haired gay pop superstar idol left our poor, innocent blonde on the sidewalk.
This was his last chance. If he didn't get his answer from Makubex, he didn't know who else to ask.
Okay, so maybe Makubex was only fourteen. But he might know the answer! After all, he was a genius! He had to know what condoms were. And if he didn't, maybe Sakura would know.
As luck would have it, he found Makubex and Sakura entertaining Himiko as they had a little cake party.
"Hey! You're having a cake party? Why didn't you invite me!" Ginji whined.
Makubex blinked. "Oh, hello Ginji! What a lovely and pleasant surprise!"
"Hi, Makubex!"
"I'm sorry, Ginji," Sakura apologized. "I didn't mean not to invite you. It was because Himiko was the only one I managed to contact."
Himiko nodded. "So why did you come here, Ginji? Something the matter?"
"Is Ban maltreating you again?" Makubex wanted to know.
"Oh, of course not! Ban-chan loves me…next to his money, of course!" Ginji added.
"So what's up?" Sakura asked.
"I've been wanting to ask…do you know what condoms are and how you use them?"
Sakura and Himiko simultaneously choked on their cakes.
Makubex blinked.
"What's a condom?"
Ginji nearly cried. "You don't know either?"
Our computer genius shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I don't know." He turned to Sakura and Himiko. "Do you know?"
The two females exchanged distressed looks.
"You know what, I've got to get going," Himiko declared. "Thanks for the cake!"
"I think I'll go with you, Himiko!" And both girls ran away.
So now we have two clueless VOLTS Kings!
By this time, the rain had blown in and Ginji was walking without an umbrella, cold, lonely and still in the dark on how to use condoms. People were rushing by, carrying multicolored umbrellas. But Ginji was too depressed to care.
"HOW DO YOU USE CONDOMS?" He suddenly screamed on the sidewalk.
Everyone stopped.
And in a second, all of the people were suddenly gone. They had all run away from Ginji.
Ginji erupted into waterfall tears. "WHY WON'T ANYONE ANSWER ME?"
Ironically, why Ginji was crying, Kagami and Akabane, the former carrying a white umbrella, the latter a black, came upon our favorite VOLTS King.
"Hello, Ginji!" Akabane greeted with his I-want-to-molest-you smile. "How are you doing this fine rainy day?"
Ginji, in too much distress, completely forgot that this was his scary stalker. He glomped Akabane. "Oh, Akabane! People won't answer my question?"
"Why? What's the matter?" Kagami asked kindly.
Ginji sniffed. "I want to know what condoms are, that's all."
The two extremely perverted men exchanged I-want-to-molest-you smiles.
"We'll answer that question for you, Ginji-kun…" Akabane cooed.
"You…you will?" Ginji blinked. "Really?"
"Of course! We'll teach you everything you need to know about condoms!" Kagami added, leering.
"And you must always remember…experience is the best teacher!" They both reminded him, grinning wickedly.
Somehow Ginji was getting a sinking feeling that he was better off not knowing exactly what condoms were for…
"A-Are you sure this is necessary, Akabane-san?" Ginji asked hesitantly. He was now currently tied up in Kagami's blinding white bed. And yes, the sinking feeling was still there. And it did NOT feel good.
"Of course, Ginji-kun!" Akabane replied, still smiling like there was no tomorrow. "Now, Kagami, hand me the condom."
Kagami came bouncing over to them, holding the condom like it was some precious thing. "Here, Honeybunch!"
"Thank you!" The two exchanged wicked smiles.
"Now Ginji, the first thing you have to know is—"
Ban burst into the room, effectively stopping Akabane's lecture before it got too deep and we would have to cut this story off for the reader's sake. "You killed my father!" he yelled, pointing a finger at Akabane dramatically.
Akabane blinked. "…No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did! Tell me the truth! You killed my father!" Ban was going hysterical at this point.
"No…I AM your father."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ban collapsed in shock.
Kagami rolled his eyes. "No, he isn't. I'm the only one Honeybunch ever did it with." His eyes narrowed. "Or…am I?"
Akabane nodded convincingly. "Of course you are, Kagami!"
You lie! Ban and Ginji chanted in the back of their heads.
"So…you did kill my father!" Ban declared. "Since you're not him!"
"Sadly, I'm not." Akabane pulled his black hat lower.
"Thank goodness." Ban heaved a sigh of relief. Then he glared at Akabane. "Then…you killed my father!"
"You know, this is getting repetitive," Kagami pointed out.
"Shut up!" Ban turned to Akabane again. "You killed my father!"
"Yes…I ate your father." Akabane said calmly.
"You…you what!" At this, everyone turned to stare at Dr. Jackal.
"You're a cannibal!" Ginji screamed, looking scared.
Akabane rolled his eyes. "I'm just joking. Sheesh, why does everyone take me seriously?"
"Um…because you're Akabane?" Ban tried.
"Is it just because I'm a frighteningly gay assassin? Oh, why does everyone think I'm such a bad guy? It's not my fault!" Akabane dissolved into tears and Kagami comforted him.
Meanwhile, Ban had quietly tiptoed to where Ginji was and they quickly escaped.
"Ban, thank you! You saved me!" Ginji cried hugging his partner.
"Of course I did, Ginji," Ban reassured him. "If you had gotten hurt, who will help me get money?"
Normally Ginji would cry because Ban only loved him for money, but he was too happy from being saved from the clutches of the evil Kagami and Akabane.
"…Ban-chan?"
"Yeah?"
"Akabane really isn't your father, isn't he?" Ginji asked.
Ban rolled his eyes. Ginji was really too stupid sometimes. "No he isn't, Ginji. I just said that to distract him."
"Oh…" Ginji nodded.
After a few minutes, Ginji spoke up again.
"Hey…Ban-chan?"
"What, Ginji?" The Jagan user asked impatiently.
"Can you tell me what condoms are for now?"
Ban sighed. Either he just answered the damn question, or he'd never get peace.
Well…as Akabane and Kagami said…experience was the best teacher…
Ban smiled at blonde beside him. "So, do you know now?"
Ginji nodded, still a bit dazed at exactly what happened.
"Good." Ban ruffled his hair. "You're too innocent, Ginji."
The blonde pouted. "Am not!" Then he bit his lip.
Ban blinked. "What? Is something the matter?"
"Well…" Ginji looked up at him innocently. "Where do babies come from, Ban-chan?"
Curse Ginji and his innocence.
Finished! Not as long as Akabane's Long Lost Son, but almost as funny. –smirk- I had a lot of fun writing this. I should write more humor Get Backers one-shots….
Dedicated to the VOLTS Gang and my beloved gf, JeGo!
R&R!