A/N: Pls review!
He nodded and sat back with a soft sigh.
"I feel like… I feel like everything happened so damn fast," he whispered and she nodded, sitting beside him and handing him a mug of tea, just letting him talk.
"I went from Italy to New York overnight. From having my mom to not. From being the youngest to two almost three little siblings," he paused to gauge her reaction. Ever stoic, she nodded for him to continue.
No judgement.
No hurt.
Just patience and listening.
"I… I went from thinking my mom walked on water to not even knowing her… having no relationship with my brother to him being my best friend. Becoming friends with my sisters overnight basically I… it all changed. It just changed so fast and I feel like I can't process it. And this whole thing with Sammi like… it just woke me up. And I feel so many things and I don't know how to handle them," he whispered.
She nodded for him to continue and he sighed. "That's it… you go."
Breathing out a soft laugh she nodded. "You're right about all of that… your life changed fast, and for someone your age," she scoffed, "you amaze me every damn day- cause you've handled it like a champ. But I don't want to patronize you, so let's start unpacking the thing that's bothering you the most," she said gently, motioning for him to tell her what that was, though she thought she knew.
He was quiet for a moment, his eyes trained on his mug, seemingly building up the courage, but knowing he had to have this part of the conversation before his dad got home.
Looking up at her, he took a deep breath, letting one word escape from his mouth.
"Kathy."
Nodding slowly, she sucked in a breath and he shook his head. "I just… She was a great mom. But now that I've lived with you for two and a half years… it's… I feel like she resented me. And like everything with Emma…" he trailed off.
"Why do you feel like she resented you?" She questioned cautiously.
He shrugged. "I don't know… cause she had me so late and had to stay with dad cause of it…"
Frowning, she reached for his hand and he grasped hers. "I don't think that was the case… they were both so so happy to have you…"
"I heard them fighting once.. about how he wasn't even sure if I was his," he whispered and Liv frowned, making a mental note to smack her husband.
"Baby you and Dickie look just like your dad…"
"That's what she said too… but…" he sighed going quiet. "Did she tell you she knew about Emma?" He asked, pointedly.
Liv's stoicism faltered as she thought back to that day in the hospital.
"Always so in sync," Kathy said softly and El smiled small. "I'm gonna go get a coffee. You guys want anything?"
Liv's eyes went wide and her chest tightened at the thought of being left alone with her baby daddy's wife. She was just about to offer to get when Kathy spoke.
"We're good I think… go… take your time, it'll give me and Liv a moment to catch up," she smiled sweetly up at him as he leaned down to peck her lips and left.
Both women watched him walk out, and tension instantly settled like a thick fog in the room.
"So," Kathy said softly, "what's happened with Olivia Benson in the last 10 years," she said looking at the brunette seated next to her.
Liv sucked in a breath and gave the reader's digest version of the last decade of her life.
"Any kids," Kathy pushed, and Olivia felt the bile rise in her throat.
"Two," she said as casually as she could.
"The invention of smart phones has moms these days showing their kids off at every chance. And all this time, you haven't offered a single photo," Kathy said thoughtfully, setting up her play.
"I don't make it a habit of showing the kids off… cause my job you know," she whispered softly. It wasn't a full lie, to be fair.
She nodded slowly, glancing at her empty ring finger. "They with their father tonight?" Kathy pushed and Liv shook her head. "Sitter. My son is adopted and my daughter's father isn't in the picture."
"Let me see them Liv," Kathy said, speaking the moment Liv finished.
"Kathy we don't need to do this," she whispered and the blonde shook her head.
"We do."
Liv sighed, taking out her phone and handing it to her.
Her background photo was a picture of the two of them, standing together and smiling on their first day of school.
After studying the picture for a few moments, Kathy looked up at her. "She looks like Lizzie."
"Kath…" Liv began but she was cut off again. "Doesn't she look like my daughter, Liv. Mine and Elliot's daughter. How does your daughter look so much like mine and Elliot's?" She asked.
There was no obvious malice. Just a pointed question. One she'd been waiting to ask Olivia Benson for years.
"I don't want him to know. I don't want…"
"You don't want what? To ruin any chance of us having a normal, Benson-less life? Did that when you fucked him during our divorce."
"Kathy please just… it's a 10 year old situation. I don't want him to know. I've never asked for anything...Plea-"
She was cut off again by a sharp laugh. "You think I'm gonna tell him? No. I'll take this to my grave if it's the only way to cause you a sliver of the amount of pain I've felt in the 23 years since he first met you," she said simply. "And that I can promise you."
"Mom…" the words echoed in her mind and pulled her from her stupor. "Did she tell you she knew?" He repeated and Liv sighed.
"Do you know the answer," she asked him softly and he nodded. "I do, Dickie told me. But I needed to hear it from you."
Taking a deep breath, she nodded. "Yeah. Yeah she did."
"Dad know?"
"No. And I don't want him to. I don't want anyone else to."
"This is what kills me," he sighed, "the girls think she was an angel and she was…" he stopped, looking for the right words, "she was so unkind at the end… why?"
"I don't know baby… I really don't. All I know is that… I think they had a different version of your mom than you, and if that's what they need to hold on to and be blind to her faults to get through their grief then… that's what they need to do, baby. Just like they've supported our relationship, you gotta support their memories."
He nodded slowly. "Do you think I'm a bad person cause I call you mom or feel that way about Kathy?"
"Not even a little bit," she said quickly and firmly. "I think your feelings are valid and the only thing I ask is that you don't ever forget the good times with your mom and how much she loved you- cause she did baby, I promise you that."
He sat back and nodded slowly, looking a ahead. "I'm sure I'll get there… but right now I just feel so angry and disappointed and ashamed. Some days, the hard ones like yesterday, I miss her so much I could throw up. And I just wish she hadn't died and nothing would have changed, and I would have lived in ignorant bliss. But most days... I'm mad. And I'm thankful to God for giving me you."
"Grief isn't linear," she said simply and he nodded, "but for what it's worth; I thank God for you every day, sweet boy, especially on your worst days, cause you make me a better mom," she said and he reached for her hand, giving it a squeeze. His eyes traveled to the door when the handle turned and El walked in.
"Hi," he said softly.
"Hi dad." "Hi babe." They said in unison, and he walked over, kissed their heads and sat on the other side of his son.
"How we doing?" He asked and they both nodded. "About to dig in to the next biggest thing bothering our boy," she said, giving her husband a look to not approach the first thing.
El nodded. "Okay… which is?"
"Basically going from being an only child over in Italy with you guys to… this," he said with a slight chuckle. "I don't… I don't mind it. I'm so thankful and I feel super lucky but it just all happened so fast and I feel like I haven't processed it."
"How can we help," Liv asked him and El nodded. "Do you need more alone time? Boundaries with the littles? More time with the big kids?" He shook his head at each one and looked over at his mom.
"More time with us," she asked gently and he nodded, feeling tears prick his eyes.
"Awe buddy… you should have told us… we would love nothing more…" El said, rubbing his back.
"I know I just… you guys are so busy with work and- and I feel like I have a lot of responsibility but I'm almost an adult so I mean… I know you offered Lucy or the big kids Uh but… I just feel bad you know? I'm 16 and like I should be able to take care of my younger siblings for you guys."
"You should," El said softly, "but your mental health and sanity is more important than the 50-100 bucks we'd give Lucy to come get dinner ready and help with homework until we got home, or at least until it was TV time and you didn't have to really do anything unless it was making them brush their teeth and go to bed."
"Also…" Liv added, "you're not an adult. You're 16. You're our baby and you always will be, regardless of Noh or Em or Ted. And I'm so sorry we made you feel like you had to be an adult."
Nodding thoughtfully, he looked over at them. "I-it's okay…. I…You're sure?" He asked softly and they both nodded. "Yeah baby of course," Liv said gently, "maybe on Sunday's we can start trying to plan our weeks out better with you? So Lucy has an idea of when she'll need to come?"
"That would be awesome," he smiled small and Liv nodded. "And dad and I haven't finalized it yet, but when I go back to work after Teddy we're gonna hire Lucy full time again until he can go to day care and stuff."
He exhaled a sigh or relief and El nodded. "Yeah buddy we wouldn't make you do that man… asking you to take care of three kids while me and mom work is totally unfair."
Eli visibly relaxed and sank into the couch nodding. "I don't want you to think I don't love them or don't love Teddy… cause I do so much," he looked at them smiling small, "I guess the prospect of… thinking Sam was pregnant just like.. totally made me realize I don't want that much responsibility and I felt like I was creeping there more and more with Em and Noh."
Liv nodded. "Baby I'm so sorry we didn't pick up on that," she said and El put a hand on his shoulder. "Seriously man… I wish you'd have told us… and no we don't think you don't love them. You're the best big brother ever, bud. And you did that all on your own."
"I'm pretty proud of it," he half teased and Liv nudged him. "You should be."
"I guess that's another thing weighing on my mind. Like everyone was older when I was born and out of the house when I grew up, so I guess I just don't want Ted to feel alone or.. I don't wanna be Dickie to him. Just this stranger."
"I think our experiences shape us," El said looking to Liv who nodded. "And I think your experience with Dickie and the girls has made you into this amazing young man who just… innately knows how to be a big brother. I don't see that changing with Ted when you go to college."
"You have more faith in me than I do," he whispered and El smiled. "I'm your dad- that's my job."
The trio sat in silence for a few minutes, processing the conversation before Liv spoke again.
"Can we talk about Sam?" She asked him cautiously, subconsciously reaching for El's hand over the back of the couch.
He grasped it and Eli took a big breath. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you… I thought you'd be so mad."
He was turning red and Liv couldn't help her laugh. "Do you want this to be a you and dad conversation?"
"No… I… cause I need to talk to you about helping Sam with birth control and…" he groaned. "It was like a tiny rip at the top like it didn't even break all the way I didn't know until.. you know."
"It happens… were they old? I just got you that box not long ago," El spoke as PC as he could as to not embarrass him.
"I…" he grimaced, "I didn't use mine…" he put his head in his hands as his parents silently laughed to each other.
"We were at Sam's and she took one from her dad… after it happened she realized that she had heard them fighting before over one breaking or something."
Liv and El's laughter ceased and she looked over at her husband who was thinking the same thing.
"Well… what did we learn from this," Liv asked him, keeping eye contact with El who gave a nod of understanding.
"Never have sex again," Eli muttered, sitting back and they both laughed. "No… use your own condoms from now on." El eased and he nodded. "That too."
"What about the birth control?" Liv asked him and he sighed. "Her dad is such a dick he'll freak out… is there any way she can like… secretly get it?" He asked hopefully.
"There's a ton of resources but… I think she or I should talk to her mom first yeah?"
"Maybe you could go with her," he asked hopefully and she nodded. "I can do that baby."
He breathed out a sigh of relief. "Thanks mom…"
She wrapped him in a hug and his hand went instinctively to her belly as Teddy moved around. "You know he always kicks more when he hears your voice."
"You're lying," he chuckled softly and she shook her head. "Swear to god."
"It's true," El chimed in with a smile, rubbing his back. "Anything else you wanna talk about buddy?"
He shook his head. "I feel better… just hope we can spend some time together before you guys head back to work," he asked hopefully and El nodded. "You have our full attention until tomorrow afternoon. Katie is gonna keep everyone for the day," he smiled and Liv grinned.
"Thanks guys… it means so much."
"We're your parents Eli you don't have to thank us!" Liv said, pulling her into him and propping her feet up on the coffee table. "How about we update the siblings, cause word travels," she laughed, "and dad can make us some popcorn while we do that and pick a movie?"
He grinned and nodded. "Sounds good momma."
Grabbing her phone, she unlocked it and pulled up the family message. Taking a selfie of the pair with El being goofy in the background, Liv sent it.
O: Eli and mom/dad night!
D: Cuties- but who's that old man in the background
El: Your future
L: Dad with the zinger!!!
K: I'm laughing out loud.
She sent a photo of her with the littles and Sam.
M: Now those are some cute crews!
Dickie sent a picture of Anna Kate asleep on his chest.
D: Not to brag but...
O: Ohhh look at my baby!!! She's definitely the cutest!
D: She said she misses you (and papa I guess) and wants you to come for dinner this week. We'll pick up the kids from school and you could meet us there and then we'd take them home if you guys have to go back.
O: That sounds perfect baby, just let us know what day!!
El: Sounds good my boy
Eli: Down! Need some niece cuddles.
D: She just told me she misses you too, Uncle Eli!
M: She's very smart!
K: Noah and Emma want to know if she misses them too.
D: Hang on let me ask.
He sent back a video of him asking the sleeping baby if she missed Uncle Noah and Auntie Emma, and then responded in a high pitched, soft voice. "Yeah dad. I do and I really want to see them this week."
K: Noah is in tears he's laughing so hard hahahaha
D: Hahaha. He's the best!
O: Okay kiddos- we're gonna go watch a movie. We'll talk this week! As soon as this case slows down we'll restart family dinners on Sundays. Love you guys millions!
M: Love you Liv, Dad
D: Love you Cap & Papa
L: I love you guys more than the rest
K: Kiss ass. We love you. Have a good night!!
They settled in for a movie of Eli's choice, and he fell asleep against Liv almost instantly.
"Poor kid is exhausted," he sighed softly and Liv nodded, preparing herself for the question she knew was next.
"What was the first concern?" He asked gently and she sighed, looking at him. "Kathy," he said softly and she nodded. "I think it be good if you could spend some one on one time with him this week... I think he needs to talk through it with you. He's grieving... just dove a bit deeper into the usual stuff."
"Absolutely... we'll figure out our schedules," El sighed, staying quiet a moment. "Think Jim is poking holes in the condoms?" He asked and Liv nodded. "Absolutely. I... there's nothing we can do but watch but... I don't feel right sending her back into that house."
"I don't either but... what else can we do?"
She shook her head. "Wait for the boom and pray it's not too loud."
They were quiet for a moment, the sound of Eli's steady breathing filling the space around them.
"Remembered what we fought about all those years ago.." she said softly and he nodded. "I did too."
"Kathy," they said together. He sighed, "I think I called Eli a mistake and then proceeded to break your heart," he said softly and she nodded. "You did, and I did too. But let me tell you, El... I'd take that heart break 1,000 more times if it meant getting to be a momma to this boy."
El gave her a tear filled smiled and leaned over their boy to kiss her.
Below them, their son, who was woken slightly by their talking, smiled to himself and thanked God for his adoptive mother.