A/N: No end in sight for this bad boy, so I'm open for suggestions!
Also, I'm on AO3 now! So I'll be cross posting from now on. :) Tell ya friends.
Please review- It gives me motivation and boosts my fragile ego.
"She should have been mine, mom…" he sobbed into her chest.
"I know… I know baby…"
"And now… J-Jack wants to be involved and… he should be he's her father not me b-but…. I hate this mom she should have been mine…"
"Eli…" she soothed, rocking him gently. "Baby… it's okay… I'm here…."
It took him almost an hour to calm down fully, finally forcing out all of the emotions he'd kept pent up the last almost two weeks.
El had come in at some point during his breakdown, sitting on his bed against the wall, heart breaking for his son.
When Eli had finally relaxed she coaxed him to lay back on his bed and laid beside him. "Can I tell you something?" She whispered and he nodded.
El rubbed his shoulder as Liv spoke.
"When your… when Kathy got pregnant with you… your dad and I had been on and off for…" her eyes trailed up for Elliot's input, "like 3 or 4 years…" he said.
She nodded in agreement. "We'd been overly careful… despite talking about or feelings and knowing we were meant to be and that I wanted kids. And when he told me she was pregnant with you… a realization hit me like… shit, a ton of bricks and it's something I still think about to this day," she whispered and he nodded for her to continue, tears filling his eyes again.
"That you should have been mine. I just knew in my heart that you should have been my baby… I should have been able to raise you since birth and love you your whole life… but that wasn't in the cards. For a short time at least," she nodded and Eli sniffled again.
"But… I was meant to be your mom… blood or not. And I found my way back to you and dad and… I don't know if it's gonna be with same with Sammi and the baby but time will tell."
"And you gotta let time pass buddy," El said, squeezing his arm.
He nodded and curled closer to her, sniffling lightly as she continued. "You know… if Jack wants to be in Sam's life and the baby's life that's up to Sam and Jack," she said gently.
"I t-told her that…"
"That's good… that's a start… and I know you just feel bad and love her… but need you to remember that you have so much life ahead of you."
"And you gotta be vulnerable with her buddy," El said encouragingly and nodded.
"I agree baby, you gotta tell her how you're feeling."
He nodded and his phone lit up with Sam's face for a FaceTime.
He looked nervously at his parents who shrugged. "Up to you…"
Taking a deep breath, he looked at his mom. "You were always meant to be my mom," he said, making her tear up as he answered.
"Hi," he smiled small and she frowned.
"Why you crying? Are you okay?"
"I'm just uh a little emotional and mom and dad," he held up the phone to them and they waved, "and I are just having a love fest," he chuckled.
She smiled small, getting emotional herself. "I'm sorry you're sad…" she whispered, knowing it was her fault.
"It's okay…" El looked to Liv who nodded and nudged him.
"Talk to me…" she asked him and his lip quivered.
"M-maybe tomorrow? Can we hang tomorrow after camp?"
She nodded quickly. "Anything you need, Eli…"
"I'm uh g-gonna go," he choked out and she nodded, trying to hold back her own tears.
"Oh uh… okay… yeah…"
"I love you Sam," he said, voice cracking.
"I love you too, Eli…" she whispered and they nodded, hanging up.
"You got a long day tomorrow, son," Liv whispered. "I want you to get some sleep…"
"St-stay… mom please stay…"
"I'm right here baby."
He nodded, closing his eyes and falling out quickly.
"Hell get through it," El whispered and she nodded.
"I know…"
The following morning El and the kids were at the soccer field early and Sam was meeting Liv at home.
L: Feeding the little man, use your key. Xo
She entered the apartment just a few minutes later and smiled nervously at Liv.
"Hi," she nodded, sitting beside her.
"Hi honey… talk to me?"
"He texted me this morning apologizing for being sad last night…"
"Emma told me and she said she and Noah yelled at him."
Sammi laughed a bit and nodded. "I did too. God, I hurt him so bad…"
"You did… so you need to let him get it off his chest and move on. This stress isn't good for either of you, especially the baby."
She nodded and sighed softly, sinking into the couch and cradling her belly.
"What are you thinking?"
Her eyes watered and she took a stuttered breath. "That I miss my mom and I'm fucking traumatized and I messed up the only good thing I ever had," she said, letting out a sob.
"Baby c'mere," she whispered and the young girl leaned against her, losing herself in quiet sobs.
"You didn't mess it up. You still have all of us, and you still have him. You guys are just entering a new chapter in your lives and you have to learn how to navigate it in a way that is fair to you both."
She nodded, taking in Liv's wise words and love. "I don't know what I would do without you…"
"And I don't know what my son would have done without you baby. You are so special, and you helped him so much. I just know you two will figure this out okay?"
"Okay," she nodded, smiling as Teddy pulled off and squeaked.
Both women chuckled and she switched breasts.
"There's so much I don't know… how am I gonna raise a baby…" Sam asked, looking at Teddy.
"It's amazing what just comes naturally," she smiled down at her little one. "And with the support system around you? You'll be fine honey."
She sucked in a deep breath. "How did you do it? When you had Emma alone?"
"I wasn't alone, just like you won't be."
"But… her dad…"
"I though Jack wanted to be involved now?"
"He's conflicted… but at least is being honest with me about it."
"Maybe you two can sit down and I can mediate? What do his parents say?"
She shrugged. "They don't care… but might be good you know…"
"You tell me when and we'll do it. What's he wanna say to Eli?"
She sighed. "Apologize I guess. Not that it matters but…"
"I think it does… especially if he wants to be in her life."
"Maybe…" she sighed. "Eli is gonna punch him," she said, holding her head and Liv laughed softly. "He punched Dickie once, I think he'll be okay."
"We should stop holding that again him," she pondered with a hint of a smile and Liv threw her head back laughing. "To be fair, Dickie deserved it."
"When do you go back to work?"
"Three weeks," Liv sighed, looking down at Teddy. "I never wanna leave him…."
"I don't blame you… he's so sweet…"
"He's the best."
"Was Emma this chill?"
Liv rolled her head dramatically towards Sam who laughed.
"Fair… it's Emma."
She laughed and nodded. "No I mean she was good but… she let you know when she was mad."
"Like her dad and little brother," Sam smiled and Liv nodded. "Exactly."
"It's still so crazy to me that Eli isn't yours… he's so much like you. So calm and just… not Elliot at all," she laughed.
Liv nodded. "Believe it or not, El is much more mellow than he once was… scary huh?"
"Yes," Sam giggled softly as Teddy pulled back again, smacking his lips and sighing happily.
Looking down, Liv smiled, brushing his cheek softly as he smiled up at her. "Wanna go see dada and the kiddos huh?" She cooed and he just grinned.
Liv adjusted her shirt and looked up at Sam. "Baby you know… once she's born, all these worries you're having? They'll just… fade away."
"Thanks Liv," she smiled small.
The Elliot's ran up to them when they got to the fields.
Eli kissed Sam on the cheek and she grasped his hand, squeezing it gently.
"Later?" He asked and she nodded. "Course…"
He nodded and kissed his mom and brother before heading back. Sam took a seat on the bleachers and Liv kissed El slowly and passionately.
"Mhm what was that for?"
She bit her lip and smiled. "Just.. really love you. And really thankful you're mine…. And… you look really hot as a soccer dad," she winked.
"You're a pretty hot soccer mom to be fair," he grinned and she giggled.
"He looks nervous today. He okay?"
"Princeton and Stanford are here," he said, raising his brows as Liv gasped.
"No way…"
"Mhm…" he nodded. "But obviously he's playing great."
"Of course he is," she smiled nodding. "Wow… number one and number two soccer schools are scouting our boy and he's only a junior."
"I know," he grinned, kissing her. "Alright, I'm gonna get back to him," he said, kissing her again and running back over to his boy.
"Stanford and Princeton," Sam said, sitting back on his bed later that afternoon and holding her belly.
"Yeah," Eli smiled small as he came out of his bathroom in a towel and pulled out clothes to change into.
"You can be more excited than that," she breathed out a chuckle.
"It's a big decision," he sighed, dropping his towel and pulling on his sweats and a T-shirt and turning to her.
"I only have a year to figure it out. Stanford is the number one school but across the country, and Princeton is number two and just an hour and a half away, but it's Ivy League, and," he sighed, laying next to her, "I'm gonna have to really put a ton of effort in to keep my GPA up and nail my SAT and ACTs."
There was a lull in the conversation, and he looked up at her. Her breathing heavy and he read her like a book.
"You good, need a minute?" He tried to tease.
"Hormones," she muttered, laying back further and rolling to her side, wincing a bit as she tweaked her casted arm wrong.
"If my parents weren't in the next room I'd take care of you… you know that right," he whispered, scooting closer to her.
"I… I don't want you to, E… it's not fair and," she breathed out a stuttered breath and buried her head in his chest.
"We gotta figure this out," she whispered and he nodded slowly, holding on to her for dear life.
"I know I just… I have a lot of emotions and um…"
"Talk to me," she pleaded and he sighed.
"I…" he paused and teared up. "She should have been mine…"
"Oh Eli," she choked out, wrapping her arms tightly around him and starting to cry with him.
He was boarder-line inconsolable as he sobbed into her chest. "She should have been mine… I just… I want her to be mine so bad. I wanna tell Jack to fuck off and I wanna give it all up to be her daddy but... but I also don't. I'm so conflicted."
"I know, Eli I'm so so sorry. I… I've made this so hard for you and I'm so, so sorry."
"I wanna be so angry at you but I love you so much and I wanna be with you and be her daddy and," he sobbed and she cried harder.
"I want that too but… Eli you have so many fucking opportunities… so many. Ivy League schools?? You can't go with baggage I…"
He scoffed and sat up. "You're worried about optics?"
"Yes… yes I am it's a different world, Eli! You cant go on scholarship to an Ivy League with a baby that isn't even your own!"
Standing up, he clenched his fist and groaned, letting his frustration take hold of him. "Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!"
"P-p-please d-don't…" she gasped, his outburst triggering her and reminding her of her father.
It clicked in his head and he turned around, relaxing and shaking his head quickly.
"I-I'm sorry babe… I…" he trailed off pulling her into his arms tightly.
"I hate this… I hate this Eli and I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up and I love you and… I just want you to succeed and be successful and if… if we are meant to be it'll h-happen. That's what I want and that's what I want to do."
He nodded, sniffling and pressing their heads together.
"I love you Samantha… so much…"
"I love you… but I want you to live your life and date and be amazing… and then if something happens between us after you've had time to live then it'll be that much sweeter."
He blinked quickly and moved his hand to her belly, knocking their noses lightly before taking the opportunity to kiss her.
She kissed him back immediately, gripping his arms and whining as he pulled her flush with him.
"Your parents," she whispered and he nodded. "I know I just… I love you… I love you Sam and I want you."
Biting her lip, she dragged him into his bathroom and quietly shut the door.
They stood together after, panting and hugging one another tightly as lips trailed and breathing steadied.
"I love you," he said simply.
"I know... and I love you. And that's why I'm gonna put my foot down. You're gonna go school and be a soccer star and focus on that. You're gonna date and meet other people and live your life. You're gonna continue to be my best friend no matter what and, JoJo's Uncle Eli. And I'm gonna stay here and create a life for me and her and maybe you'll get to be part of that life with us, as my guy and her daddy," she whispered into his chest. "But for now? For now you're going to put you first for once in your life."
He nodded tearfully and then was silent a moment before he spoke again. "JoJo?"
She nodded. "Jaime Olivia. JoJo," she smiled against his chest and he looked down at her.
"I'm gonna call her Joey…" he grinned lightly and she giggled softly. "I like it."
"Yeah?" He asked, gently backing her into the wall.
"Mhm," she breathed out a soft moan. "Works with my last name and yours," she clarified and he smiled, kissing her again.
"Not Dawson?"
"That too but… want it to be mine or yours."
He nodded thoughtfully, and cupped her cheeks, just staring into her dark eyes.
"Do you agree with me?" She asked softly, "that this is what we have to do?"
"I think so," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her again and cementing their unspoken agreement on the physical side of their new relationship.
Her phone buzzed with Jack's name and they both looked at it and sighed softly.
"Guess we gotta do this," he whispered and she nodded, handing him the phone after he adjusted himself.
"Jack," he said steadily.
"Eli… man hi I… shit I'm so sorry."
Exhaling a breath he nodded. "What are you gonna do man? She needs her dad."
"I… I don't know my mom and dad want a DNA test but I know she's mine… and I have this scholarship and…" he trailed off and Eli sighed.
"I can't tell you what to do."
"Are you guys… together or…"
"We're… friends. Best friends. She's living with my sister and my family is her family. I'm gonna be around, but I'm also gonna go to college and…"
"I really don't know what to do…"
"You gotta figure it for yourself but… she's gonna have us… me," he said a little more confidently.
"Yeah…" he trailed off.
"You need to talk to her… we can't change the past and if you're gonna be in her life, well so am I. And I can't hold resentments so… I'm not gonna."
"I don't think I could be like you, man," he said after a pause.
"I just love them both. So much. And I'm never gonna stop so it's all I can say. I'll give ya to Sam now," he said, handing it over.
"Hi…" she whispered.
"Hi…" he said softly.
"Eli's mom said she would mediate a conversation between us."
"I'll consider it but… I don't… I don't know…."
"I need you to be in or out."
"I understand.. can you give me some time?"
"How much?"
"I'll be home tonight… can I meet you at the Stablers?"
"Um let me check…"
"Okay…"
They emerged a bit later from his room and Liv smiled small. "Hi…" she trailed off, seeing their faces and mannerisms and knowing immediately what had transpired.
"Hi," they both said, sitting on the couch.
"How we feeling?"
"Good uh... we uh… talked and we're gonna be friends…" Eli said, grasping Sam's hand.
"Best friends," she said gently and El and Liv smiled small.
"Okay…" El said, nodding slowly.
"And… we can date other people and stuff but um… I wanna uh be in the baby's life," Eli said softly and Liv nodded hesitantly.
"As?"
"Um… Uncle Eli for now," he said, not fully convinced and Sam nodded.
"And um… we talked to Jack and um he's gonna be in town later tonight and come here with his decision is that okay?" Sam asked hesitantly.
"Yeah… yeah sure," El said, but Liv looked at him with a sigh. "Maybe… we should go to Kathleen's yeah?" She suggested.
"Mom…" Eli frowned and she sighed, looking at her husband for help.
"Can you guys let us discuss for a minute?"
They nodded and went back to his room. Liv was clearly frustrated and exhausted, having reached her emotional breaking point, and looked at her husband. "Babe…"
"We need to support her."
"We need to support our son, Elliot," she said, standing.
"We are. He wants this."
"He's 16 Elliot! He doesn't know what he wants."
"Stop yelling."
"I'm not, I'm protecting our son and you're trying to be his friend."
"No I'm not!!" He yelled, making her jump.
They both went silent a moment before she stood up with tears in her eyes and stormed to their room, slamming the door.
Eli poked his head from his door nervously.
"Dad…"
"Just. Just give me a second," he said more harshly than he intended.
Liv was in their bedroom when he walked in, putting Teddy in his carrier on her chest.
"Liv I'm sorry I... What are you doing?" He asked, trying to remain calm.
"I'm going on a walk cause I don't wanna be around you right now."
"Liv…"
"No El. You handle this the way you feel is right cause clearly my opinion doesn't matter."
"It does… babe it does I'm sorry I yelled I don't know what came over me," he tried and she shook her head, trying to walk out.
Grasping her hand gently, he pulled her back with tears in his eyes. "We said we wouldn't walk away in a fight again. Please… babe I'm so sorry please don't walk away from me," he begged.
"Elliot, I love you but I just need a fucking minute," she said loudly, startling Teddy a bit.
"Babe," he gasped softly and she shook her head, lowering her voice. "I need a minute. I need to process this, Elliot. My hormones are still fucked from giving birth and I'm exhausted and you go back to work next week and our son is hurting," she gasped, her words coming out in uncontrollable sobs.
"Liv… Liv let me," he said gently, and she nodded, gasping for air as he unhooked Teddy and gently took him, placing him in his bassinet before wrapping his arms around his wife as she steadied her breathing in his chest.
"I'm gonna go bring the kids to Katie's and Amanda's," he whispered. "Take some time for you okay? Want me to bring Ted?"
She nodded, crying harder and he swayed with her gently. "Okay… okay you take some time for you okay?"
"O-okay…. I'm still fucking mad at you…" she managed to get out.
"I deserve it. But I love you. So take some time to breathe and we'll hash this when I get home okay?"
She nodded again. "I l-love you too…"
He got Teddy in his car seat and went to the kids who were gathered in the living room after sending a few quick texts.
"D-dad I'm sorry I…" Eli trailed off, pacing back and forth.
"No… no I'm sorry I got angry at mom. We're both overwhelmed and it's no one's fault okay. It's been a rough few weeks and we just need some processing time to talk okay?"
They all nodded and Sam started to cry quietly.
"Hey hey," he whispered. "You're good… you're good. We love you. Okay? This isn't you, understand?" He wrapped her in a fatherly hug.
She nodded quickly and melted into his embrace before falling back into Eli's arms.
"Okay… let's go, Eli and Sam you're going to Katie's and kiddos, to Aunt Amanda's alright?"
They all nodded and he pulled them in for a group hug.
"C'mon…" He said, releasing them and they all filed out except Noah, who lingered behind.
"D-dad are you and mom gonna be okay…" he asked nervously.
El smiled small, sinking to his knees and hugging his baby boy. "Yes… yes buddy of course. We're just overwhelmed and I made it worse by losing my cool. So we're gonna take a breather and after I drop you guys off, I'm gonna pick up some flowers and a card and some snacks and she and I are gonna talk through it okay?"
He nodded quickly, holding onto him for dear life. "You guys never fight…" he whispered and El breathed out a chuckle.
"We got most of it out in our younger years," he said, kissing his head and making his son smile a bit. "Now come on, Uncle Sonny made lasagna.