A/N: This turned from where I ever thought it'd be going. Lol.
Next chapter will be more fluffy. Thanks for reading and the love!!
"Hey buddy… in here," El called, squeezing his wife's knee.
"Hi guys," he said tentatively, standing at the door.
"Hi baby… come sit," Liv whispered, and Eli nodded, moving to sit on the bed.
Teddy had unlatched and looked back at his brother with a sleepily smile.
Eli smiled small as Liv fixed herself, pulled her knees up, and laid Teddy on her legs as he stretched out lightly.
He was putting on weight like a champ, and she made a mental note to go through his clothes with Emma as some bonding time.
She kept her eyes on him, rubbing his cheek softly as El took lead. "Bud… we gotta talk…"
"I know…" he looked down, "guys I'm so sorry."
"We know, and bud that's not what this is about," he said, putting his hand on his arm.
"What's it about," he asked knowingly, swallowing hard as his breathing increased.
"Buddy, we can't… Sam can't come over here anymore whenever… and you can't go there. Mom and I decided she can come on family dinner nights, and of course, after church but," he said, holding a hand up, "absolutely no time in your room alone."
"And…" Liv said gently and El nodded.
"And, no going to Kathleen's to be with her. This needs to take a break. She needs to focus on her and the baby, and you need to focus on you."
They watched their son freeze, tears forming in his eyes. "That… that's not…" he trailed off.
"Eli… I know. Buddy, I know…"
"No you don't," he spat, standing up and storming to his room.
Liv looked up at El who nodded. "I got him…" he said, smiling small and following him to his room.
"Hey…"
"Dad leave me alone," he whispered and El shook his head.
"No… not gonna do that. We're gonna talk," he nodded, sitting beside him.
Eli shook his head and laid on his bed, facing the wall.
"Son…"
"Dad please…"
"Fine. I'll talk and you can listen," he sucked in a breath.
"I got Kathy pregnant at 17. I loved her. It was young love and I knew it wouldn't last, but I did what I thought was right. I did what my dad and Mom told me to do. I don't regret it, because she gave me you and your brother and sisters. However, it shouldn't have happened that way. And you? You're absolutely not obligated to have it happen that way."
His body started to shake from sobs and El rubbed his arm gently. "I know you're hurting. You're mad, I get it. I'm mad too. I'm mad and hurt that you're hurting. You're my baby boy… mom's too… just… it doesn't seem fair and I know that. And son, I know this sounds like a cliche but when you're older you're gonna realize this was the best thing for both of you. I wish my dad had this conversation with me."
Eli scoffed lightly and pulled a pillow over his head as El sighed softly.
"On top of that… bud, momma just gave birth 7 , almost 8, weeks ago. Our family has had a lot of change, and she's still recovering from that and we're all adjusting. Me included. The stuff with Sam… it's too much. It doesn't mean we don't love her, we do, but our son is struggling and it's affecting Noah and Emma too. As parents, it's a very easy choice to push her away for a little bit to focus on the three of you and Teddy."
He went quiet as Eli's crying stopped a bit and turned into stuttered breaths. Gently moving the pillow from his son's head, he brushed his hair back and leaned over to kiss his temple.
"Me and your mom love you more than we could ever express. And if you take anything from my rambling I hope it'll be that. That we love you and if we have to hurt you to do what's right for you, we will. Every time."
Standing slowly he nodded. "Kids will be home soon. Noah and I are gonna get stuff for pizza and then we're gonna play board games. If you wanna join us you can, or you can sit in here. Just leave your door open, okay?"
Eli nodded slowly and El sighed. "I love you buddy," he said walking out to the kitchen where Liv stood with Teddy on her chest.
"Hey…" he said softly.
"Hi…"
"You heard?"
She nodded, gently taking his hand. "I'm proud of you."
He smiled small and leaned to kiss her. "Liv I'm so sorry… I can't believe I said that I… I was mad…" he trailed off as she closed her eyes and held her breath.
"I wanna talk to Dr. Johnson about this…" she asked softly, "and… just everything. We've been through so much since you came home. So many monumental changes and I just wanna make sure we're okay and communicating how we should."
"I'll talk to her with you every day, twice a day if that's what it takes for you to trust me and feel better…"
Her eyes opened, landing on his and frowning a little. "Elliot Joseph Stabler… I trust you with my life… with our kids lives… you're my partner and my husband and my best friend."
"But?" He asked, suddenly unsure of himself and feeling unworthy of the woman standing in front of him.
Sneaking a hand around his waist and pulling him into her, she kissed the corner of his mouth, and then his lips. "No buts. No regrets. I promise you that. No amount of therapy could bring them out cause they don't exist I just… I think it would be good for us."
"I agree… It was good and I'm sorry we stopped going…"
"Hey," she shook her head, "joint decision. Life got busy and we had to focus on all 100 of our kids," she teased light.
He smiled small and nodded, kissing her again. "I'm really sorry… really sorry Olivia. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and if we didn't get Eli out of it, I would have never gone back to her. And Liv, babe… you didn't bend over for me. Both times were both of us wanting it and raw and emotional, and Jesus," he sighed, "you sending me home to her after both times? It made me fall for you even more. Because it showed your heart and that's my favorite thing about you."
She was crying now, and he brushed her tears away with the rough pads on his thumbs, pressing his head against her's. "You aren't a whore and I've never, ever thought of you as one. Ever. Do you hear me?"
Nodding quickly, her tears fell faster and his started to form. "I said what I said cause I was mad and trying to hurt you and Fuck I'm so sorry… I wish I could take it back…"
She collapsed into his chest, and he hugged her as close as he could without squishing Teddy.
"I forgive you," she whispered after a few minutes.
"You take your time forgiving me… I don't care about that. I just want you to know that I'm so sorry and I love you and I only have ever thought the best of you. Because every moment we spent together, both when Kathy and I were separated and when we weren't? I was head over heels in love with you."
Breathing out a chuckle, she nodded. "Even when I was a pain when we were partners?"
"Especially then," he smiled, kissing her nose as Teddy looked up at him, smiling.
"And I love this boy with his mommas brown eyes sooo much," he cooed, taking him and smothering him in kisses that made him giggle and squeal.
"He's getting so big…" she mused, rubbing his little back. "I think me and Emma are gonna go through his newborn and 0-3 month clothes while you guys get pizza stuff," she said, pouting a bit.
"Nooo…" he cried softly. "Who let you get this big? I didn't agree to this!" He whispered as the little one looked up at him with toothless grins.
"It's going by so fast," Liv smiled small. "Feel like I haven't had time to enjoy him with all the kids."
"I know, me either… I think I'm gonna take an extra week off."
"Really?" She asked hopefully and he nodded, smiling. "Really," he said, kissing her lips.
"If the kids weren't psychotic about their soccer I would say we make them miss next weekend and spend time at the beach."
He laughed. "Least they're dedicated."
"Very true," she smiled.
"Actually, coaches texted and said they may cancel tomorrow due to weather…"
"That would be so nice. We can have a lazy day all of us."
"Maybe Noh and I will get some extra stuff for tomorrow just in case."
"Baked ziti?" She asked with a grin
"Whatever you want," he said, kissing her.
Inside his room, Eli listened to the conversation his parents were having and cried harder at the fact that he'd cause them so much pain and distress.
Noah and Emma bounced in a little bit later, noticing Eli's shoes and looking at their parents.
"Eli's in his room, having some alone time. Noah, wanna come with me to get pizza stuff and have some guy time?"
He gasped excitedly and nodded. "Yup! Can we take Ted?"
Looking back at Liv, El smiled. "Can you go through his clothes if you don't have him?"
"Yeah I have an idea," she smiled and nodded.
Emma gasped. "Going through Teddy's baby baby clothes?? Nooooo," she whined playfully and everyone laughed.
"Yeah we can have some girl time," she smiled and Emma grinned.
"Sounds perfect mommy," she smiled, hugging her tightly.
"So yes, boys you can take Teddy. It's nice out, why don't you walk and you can put him in the carrier? Do you need much?"
"Nah plus if we walk Noah won't go crazy," El winked at him and he giggled. "Can I hold him in the carrier??!"
El looked to Liv who smiled. "I think so. Whatcha think daddy?"
"He's getting heavy bud, you sure?"
"Mhm!" He smiled nodding.
"Alright," he laughed. "Let's go then!"
They got the carrier on Noah and set Teddy in it, making Noah crack up with happiness.
"Emmy send a picture to everyone!" He said, protectively putting her hand on Ted'd back.
She giggled and snapped a photo, sending it to the siblings and their parents.
Em: Big bro of the year!
D: Awwwwe
K: Omg that's the best!!
L: Stop it right now
M: So cute! Where they going??
N: Market! Mom and Em are gonna go through his baby baby clothes :(
L: What??? Why???
O: Lol he's moving up to 3-6 month size!
D: Who okayed that??? I didn't.
M: Me either!!!
Liv laughed softly and set her phone down, moving to kiss her boys goodbye before they left.
Em ran into Teddy's room and Liv smiled, picking up a FaceTime from Mo as she walked in to meet Emma.
"Hi baby! What's up??"
"Hiiii," she was grinning. "How's everything?"
"It's alright, been a little nuts but finally calming. I miss you, honey."
"I miss you too, Livie… we have retrievals next week."
She gasped. "That's right! Are you excited?"
"Yes," she sighed happily. "So excited. Nervous but…"
"Well I have a good feeling," Liv smiled. "I'll keep some clothes set aside for you okay?"
She nodded quickly and grinned. "Thanks Liv. Can we get lunch this weekend? We're gonna come see the kids soccer game, but I wanna just hang with you if we can?"
"Of course," Liv grinned huge. "Whatever you need baby."
"Thanks," she grinned.
The three chatted for a while longer, laughing and smiling before Mo nodded. "Okay, you guys have fun. Love you," she smiled and blew kisses, waving.
"Bye Mo!!" Emma said with a big smile.
"Bye baby, I Love you!"
"I love you too," she smiled as they hung up.
Emma dug right into Teddy's clothes and Liv smiled small, watching her.
"C'mere?" She asked and Emma laughed softly, leaning into her.
"You know how much I love you?" She whispered, kissing her hair.
"To the moon and back a billion times?" She asked with a giggle.
"Maybe to the moon and back infinity," Liv chuckled. "I'm so proud of you, Emma… you're the best big sister and little sister, and kindest friend and daughter. I'm so lucky you're mine."
Emma grinned and hugged her tighter. "Awe thanks… I love you mommy…."
"I love you more," she sniffed, wiping her eyes and Emma frowned, sitting back a bit.
"You okay?"
Liv nodded, kissing her forehead, tearing up more.
"Mama…" Emma frowned.
"Baby I'm okay," she choked out, but Emma shook her head.
"Come on. Let's go cuddle in your bed," she said, standing and pulling Liv with her, making her laugh through her tears.
They snuggled up together and Liv shook her head. "I'm sorry honey… just been a lot happening. I'm sorry I didn't mean to cry."
"Are you and daddy okay?" She asked softly and Liv breathed out a sigh, hugging her close. "We're okay baby… me and your daddy will always be okay. There's just been a lot going on and we haven't been the best at talking about it. And that's okay, it happens in relationships."
Emma nodded, swirling her wedding bands lightly. "You're not… he's not gonna leave right?" She asked tentatively and Liv frowned.
"Oh Emma… no baby absolutely not," she said, pulling her into her chest. "That man loves us all to much and is too dang stubborn anyways," she teased, making her giggle a bit. "What's brought this on?"
"Well um," she shifted uncomfortably, "I don't know…"
"You can't lie to your momma. Especially when she's an NYPD Captain," she reminded her with a small smile.
"I mean um… I guess I always worry about it cause um… daddy cheated on Kathy and made me and…" she trailed off, looking down ashamed. "Dad's the best man ever and I… I don't know."
Liv's breath was caught in her throat and her mind was racing, so much so that she didn't hear her husband, who'd heard the tail end of the conversation, walk in.
They'd always known this would come up, and rightfully so, it was a big deal and big teaching point in their children's lives. How to justify that something is wrong when you did it yourself?
"And um…" Emma continued, "I guess I'm just… I think you're being too harsh on Sam… I mean I think they definitely need space but uh… you guys keep saying she cheated but they were broken up and you guys did the same thing, but actually cheated, and made me," she sighed softly.
Liv was fumbling and Elliot cleared his throat from the door way, slipping off his shoes and nodding gently. "Can I come in?"
Emma's lip quivered, thinking she did something wrong but he shook his head. "Baby I'm not mad, these are valid questions and I want to answer them."
His voice was soft and gentle, and Noah came up behind him at the door with Teddy, frowning.
"Come on," he nodded towards the bed, taking Teddy so he could climb up. El sat on the end of the bed, with his hand protectively and lovingly on his wife's leg.
"We… have been calling it cheating, unrightfully so," he sighed softly, "cause… well he's our baby boy. Our son. And nothing hurts worse than your kid hurting. Nothing. And I think we're trying to place blame on someone for, well I think personally I'm trying to place blame for my mistakes and misguidances as his dad."
Liv nodded, sitting up and putting her hand over Elliot's. "Dads right… I am too and it's something we need to stop. And we will."
Both kids nodded and El sucked in a deep breath. "I cheated on Kathy twice," he nodded. "Once after I found out she was pregnant with Eli, and then the time me and mom made you, Emma," he said gently, taking her hand as her lip quivered more.
"It… it wasn't right. It wasn't. I did it cause I didn't love Kathy and I loved your mom, but more so I did it cause I was too much of a coward to leave Kathy and be with your mom. And in the process, I hurt them both a lot. If I could take away that hurt, gosh I would in a heart beat. But like I said to you before, if it meant not having you or your little brothers? I'd do it all the same."
Emma nodded quickly, squeezing his hand. "But… that doesn't make it right. At all. It was wrong then and it's wrong now. I'm mad at myself, Em, and I'd be mad if you or your brothers cheated because… as a parent it's my job to admit and own to my faults and wrong doings, and teach you from them, no matter bad or embarrassing they are. I know it seems hypocritical-"
"Hypowhatical?" Noah asked, cutting him off and making everyone laugh.
He paused and then grinned. "I'm kidding I know what it means just had to cut the tension," he said, laying back with Teddy as everyone laughed harder.
"Listen… I know it's hypocritical but it's the truth and… both of you need to know how sorry I am for the hurt I caused mom and Kathy, the big kids and you, Em. And… I need you to know how much I love your mom. And sometimes, most times, like today when I lost my cool, I wonder how and why she loves me but I'm not going anywhere, she's stuck with me forever. Okay?"
They both nodded and Emma hugged his middle tightly. "I needed this daddy… thank you," she whispered as he teared up and gave her a squish. "You come to me anytime. I love you baby."
"And I love both of you," Liv smiled small, hugging them both tightly and kissing their heads.
"And I love pizza and hate being hungry, can we eat?" Noah asked with a groan. He was steadily approaching the "I don't care" boy phase, which at least helped his parents a bit in times like these.
Emma giggled and wiped her eyes. "Yessss turd come on," she said, jumping down and going to the kitchen with him and Teddy.
Liv looked up at her husband who reached to wipe her eyes. "I love you. I'm so sorry Olivia."
"Stop apologizing," she whispered, kissing him back. "But thank you for that… I needed it to. Especially after today."
His arms snaked firmly around her. "I love you. I love you so fucking much."
"I love you… and I wouldn't mind being bent over later," she whispered seductively into her ear and he breathed out a laugh into her shoulder.
"I didn't even bend you over either time why did I say that," he groaned into the crook of her neck.
She laughed softly. "Save it for therapy, Stabler… let's go make dinner with our kids."
They laughed and joked and ate pizza with Eli no where to be found.
When it was time for Teddy to go to sleep, everyone changed into their pajamas and the kids set up a board game while they waited for Liv.
The baby boy was out like a light, and Liv returned quickly, smiling small and sitting beside Elliot.
"Hey, hey, not too close you're gonna look at my cards!"
"Babe we're a team," she giggled and smacked him lightly.
"No teams in Catan!" Noah said, setting up a wall around his cards like he always did, making Emma roll her eyes and laugh.
They started playing and after a while, Eli eventually emerged from his room and gave a grim smile. "I know uh you said no teams but.. can I join?" he asked tentatively and Noah nodded almost immediately. "Duh," he grinned as his big brother joined him.
"Guys I'm sorry for everything," he whispered awkwardly, looking around the table.
They all waved him off and Noah hugged him tightly. "Just glad you're out here bud. Now let's kick everyone's ass!"
"Noah!"
"Noah Porter!"
"Boy…"
He cracked up and shook his head. "Butt, I said butt!!!" He cried as Eli laughed harder.
El's phone pinged and he smiled small. "No soccer tomorrow guys. Rain day. Cool if we hang as a family?"
They all have him some enthusiastic response of "yes" before returning to the game.
Liv leaned against El's shoulder and he kissed the top of her head. "Gonna be okay," he whispered to her and she nodded.
"Always are."