Killing Kakashi
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"No, Gai-sensei! No!" As Rock Lee cried his eyes out, Master Gai merely smiled and placed a thick, gnarled hand on the man's head.
"No, Lee; this is the way it must be," he said, his voice thick and slurry. "Youth must fade, as flowers do. And so do the beasts of Konoha, Lee--and remember to carry on the legacy of flamboyant power!"
"Oh, Master Gai!" Lee couldn't help himself. He just couldn't stop himself from crying. Snot trailed down his nose. "No--you cannot die!"
Master Gai is dying, by the way. "No, my student. Besides, my time on this world is done. You have achieved your ninja way, and have proved that a taijutsu-dedicate may carve out a path for himself without applying his prodigious talents to the craveling roads of ninjutsu and genjutsu!"
"But Master--what will I do? You cannot die. The flowers of Konoha must bloom on!"
"And they must spread their seeds!"
"Yes, Master!"
"And those seeds must be eaten by small animals, and they must defecate the remains out into the wilderness so that even more of the flowers may blossom--may Konoha live ever on!"
"I will make sure that it does, Master!"
"Oh, Lee, you have been my dream--a student to carry on my legacy. I have but one wish left, before leaving this world."
Lee stood up, then. At the age of thirty-two, he still wore spandex suits. "I will do as you wish!"
Gai-sensei smiled feebly. There were wrinkles on his face. "The score stands at five hundred and eighty six to five hundred and eighty six."
"Yes..." Then his brain caught up to him, and Lee cried, "the score with your arch-rival, sensei! Master Kakashi!"
"He will beat me out in the end, if I die before he does. You must make sure that he does not, my student!"
The request stopped Lee cold; he had never killed in cold blood before. But when Gai-sensei saw the expression on his face, he smiled. "Do not worry, my student! His death will be a blessing. And if your blood remains cold, remember--five hundred thousand push-ups will change that."
"Ah! Then I will do as you wish, Master!"
"Go, then: and maybe the green beast of Konoha triumph!"
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So Lee, age thirty-two, six feet tall, strides down the streets of Konoha. He knows exactly where Kakashi is--at the gambling den, the nest of corruption and vile juices. The old dirty geezer that Kakashi is, so unlike Gai-sensei who had remained abstinent until his probably recent death, he is definitely hiding out in the den, gambling and reading porn and doing other such dastardly deeds.
Lee is ready. He is fit. He knows how to counter the Sharingan. He's going to open about five or six gates, let the energy flood his body, and then kill that old man's ass. Then Master Gai will be vindicated--he will be triumphant over his arch-rival.
But he forgot one thing: Kakashi is a master tactician. He has already deduced what the nature of Gai's last request may be, and has set up counter measures in action...
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"So an Akatuski member disguised as bushy-brows is going to burst in here and kill you?" Naruto asked, excitedly. "Holy shit! If I kill him, the old bitch--er, I mean hag--is gonna make me Rukodaime for sure!"
Kakashi sighed. Naruto had been pretty damn smart, before that awful second battle with Sasuke. The Chidori had gone straight through Naruto's head, and although the medic-nins had patched him up pretty well, his mental functions were at the level of a monkey (and a tiny one, at that). Naruto was a retard, now. And he was Kakashi's only protection, for the fool could still use a Rasengan pretty well.
"Yes, Naruto," he said. "Kill him, will ya?"
"Oh, of course!" cried Naruto enthusiastically. "I'm gonna Rasengan that sonofabitch!"
Does two plus two equal Rasengan, Naruto? Or so Kakashi wanted to ask, but he knew the answer--after all, he'd asked the question two weeks ago. Naruto had said no: it was three plus two that equaled Rasengan, not two.
"Yes, Naruto, yes indeed..."
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The showdown went down as follows:
Rock Lee faced Uzumaki Naruto in the courtyard before the Azuma, a sushi bar of some reknown. They hadn't said much, but screamed much, and so the bystanders, though they couldn't deduce the reasons behind their bout, however ascertained their intentions and had gotten the hell out of their way before the fighting began. Naruto had started by trying to summon Gamabunta, but after that battle with Sasuke, his summoning skills had gone down the drain, so he ended up summoning a turtle, who promptly banished after nipping him in the crotch. As Naruto rolled in the dirt screaming in agony, Lee seized his chance and lunged, wrapped Naruto in his bandages, and totally kagebuyo'd his ass. But being hurled face-first into the ground at a hundred miles per hour didn't do much to stop Naruto, and after the Kyubi's chakra healed him, the battle began in earnest.
Naruto Odama-Rasengan'd everywhere; his Kage Bunshins flitted in and out of view as Rock Lee sped here and there, punching a clone in oblivion here, kicking something in the keisters there, and they generally caused a ton of destruction. Then a stray ball of Rasengan caught Lee in the chest, and he was driven in to the dirt, leaving a small crater. Naruto prepared to finish him off; but Lee began to open the Gates, and pretty soon he'd activated seven of the eight--turning him into a furious ball of wrathful energy.
Naruto was pummeled at first into the air; then Lee kicked him to the ground; then, before his body hit the ground, Lee kicked him back up; then down; then up; then down and again for about seven more times, all in a space of a second, before punching Naruto's stomach fifty thousand times to rupture his gastrointestines and bleed out his spleens. The Uzumaki collapsed, wheezing and dying, and Lee, satisfied, turned and raced for Kakashi's home.
He found the old pervert reading the latest issue of Icha Icha Paradise, volume twenty-six to be exact; he cried, "Die, Pervert!" and dove for the old geezer, but Kakashi banished in a swirl of leaves, and right behind Lee, there rang a sound of birds--ten million screeching parrots, to be exact--and he turned just in time to see Kakashi plunge in a two-fingered Chidori right up his bum.
"Ten Thousand Years of Pain!" Kakashi cried in his old, wheezing voice, he being the geezer that he was. "Die!"
"I don't think so! Ten Thousand Peacock Flaming Kicks!" Gai cried, and promptly crushed Kakashi's face into dirt.
So: Lee was dead from a two-fingered Chidori up his butt, Kakashi's head was crushed into the ground, and Gai was victorious--for this had all been his insidiously brillant plan, to engage Kakashi's attention on his student before planting in a finishing move of his own. But then, Naruto struggled up; his gastrointenstinal problems were healed; and he killed Gai with a Rasengan, thinking him to be the disguised-Akatsuki-Lee. And there, Naruto collapsed, and promptly--died.
So long for happy endings. It was told that their funerals were well-attended. The Godaime, Tsunade-san herself, threw the first clump of dirt into the hole.
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A/N: This is something I whipped up in twenty minutes. I meant it to be utterly ridiculous.