Liv gave her a sad smile. "That's a long story."
"You said you'd give me two hours…"
"It's Christmas… you're sure?"
"What do I have to celebrate today, Liv? Besides the stories and accomplishments of my kids that I didn't get to see."
Liv took a sip of her coffee and nodded. "Well… I guess we start from the beginning then."
2004:
"Liv!" El called, walking into the squad room after finishing a particularly rough case. "I need a drink. Come on, on me."
"And I need to lay on my couch… sorry champ, you're alone tonight," she said, standing and stretching with a groan.
"Let's drink at your place then," he said, sitting against her desk, voice lowered slightly. "I'll pick up beer and Chinese."
Elliot had dropped the separation bomb on Liv just a month prior, and his flirting had ramped up mercilessly.
She didn't mind, but they'd both been working so much that she didn't exactly let her mind wander to alone time with him and his new obsession.
"Liv?" He asked, pulling her from her thoughts.
"Huh? Oh… yeah… come over," she said, giving him a sly smile, picking up her bags, and brushing past him.
"That was the first night," Liv nodded.
"I just can't believe you guys waited four years…"
"Five… I can't make you believe me," she said, looking up to her. "I can only tell you what happened."
"When did it stop?"
"Kathy's pregnant."
Liv's ears rang and the air was sucked from her lungs.
"Oh," she said, barely below audibly. "I didn't know you…"
"It was a one time after…"
"Malcom Royce," she nodded, clearing her throat. "C… congratulations, Elliot," she nodded, brushing past him.
"So it just stopped?" Kathy asked, looking at her. "Three years it just…"
"We had sex… once more that night in the cribs. But then I ended it… sent him home to you. His child," she paused, "your family was more important than me; I guess I loved that baby from the moment I learned about him, and he deserved to have his father's full attention."
"I can't say the same thing… and I know that makes me horrible."
"I can't pretend to know how you felt during that time… but…"
"How did you do willingly help me… constantly convince him to come home. Take me to an appointment and deliver my son I…"
"I don't hate you, Kathy. I mean, I didn't."
"Do you now?"
"How could I not?"
"You really never slept with him after Eli?"
"Not until the night he shot Jenna. And for all the pain that caused you? I am so, so genuinely sorry Kathy. So sorry. I will, however, never say I regret it because it gave me my baby girl."
"Why did you do it…"
"I don't know… it was a moment of weakness during a situation that was so fucking horrific and traumatizing. We ran to each other… and unfortunately that came with the ultimate consequence. But I knew he was leaving," she said, sitting back.
"He had that look in his eyes, didn't he?"
Liv's eyes darted up to her's.
"He had this look in his eyes I had never seen before when he told me he wanted a divorce on the plane ride from Italy," she continued.
"I think we're skating around the point here, Kathy," Liv said, sitting back and crossing her arms. "Nothing that has ever happened between the two of us and Elliot has any impact on the way you chose to treat the boys and my daughter," Liv said.
"I was jealous… I still am I mean… you…"
"And it still doesn't excuse the way you treated your sons… my sons," she corrected, "or my daughter."
"I know," she said, looking back down. "I know."
The pair went silent and Liv let her eyes drift shut as she steadied her anger, focusing on the memory of the way her husband kissed and fucked her before she'd left.
How his eyes were filled with love and passion, and the way his megawatt smile lit up the room when she whispered an "I love you," as he came deep into her.
She felt a blush creep up her neck, and remembered then the slight mark he'd left behind her ear, before opening her eyes and looking back at Kathy.
"Tell me about them? How did they get to know Emma? How did you two reconnect?" She asked suddenly.
"I spent every day with him and the kids for two weeks after your 'death,'" she said, emphasizing death with air quotes. "Then he wrote me a letter… asked me to meet so he could give it to me. We were at the park, kids and I were sledding, and he saw her and-"
"He knew immediately," Kathy whispered, knowingly.
"You always know your child… again, maybe that's why I always felt so connected with Eli from the moment I held him."
Kathy cleared her throat, not willing to talk about her last born just yet.
"When did they meet him?"
"About five months after your funeral. I made him tell the big kids the truth before I let him into their lives fully. We had a fight and he just blurted it out to them. They all trudged into my office on a day Emma and Noh happened to be there. They all fell in love immediately."
"Did Dickie tell you then? That he knew?"
"Dickie didn't tell me for almost two years. We didn't even tell Emma about her paternity until a year after that."
"What? Why?" Kathy asked, shocked.
"She needed to get to know him, and I needed to make sure he wasn't going anywhere. Eli actually pushed it in therapy… told El the kids needed a dad and we all needed to move in."
"You two got close right away…"
"Not right away… he was still grieving and confused... tormented, though we didn't know to what extent until later. We had our quarrels," she paused to laugh a bit. "I'd never had a teenage son. But I gave him stability and unconditional love and… he became mine, I guess."
"He always was…"
"Dickie was the harder nut to crack, for a number of reasons…"
"How did you finally crack it?"
"Eli cracked his nose," she said, and both women burst into quiet snickers, a welcome reprieve from the heaviness of the truth.
"First and only time I've ever seen him rage against another human," Liv nodded.
"What prompted it?"
"He called me mom to the siblings for the first time… Dickie lost his shit. Mo dragged his ass to our house to apologize and Eli walked in and just…"
"Oh Jesus," Kathy said, covering her face.
"I made Elliot reset it while I calmed Eli down. Blood everywhere," she breathed. "We didn't talk to him for a few days and then he asked me to see me to talk it all out. This of course was all around the same time that Noah was having a really hard time cause we hadn't moved in together yet. Plus, Dickie was being an ass to him and Eli cause Elliot had become super dad."
"Dickie always had a problem with that… El not being around," she paused and hung her head. "'S'why I was able to manipulate him so much I guess…"
"It was… he told me as much, anyways. Told me all about you knowing about Emma and saddling him with that secret. I mean, I already knew you knew but…"
"When did he tell Elliot? Do the rest of the kids know?"
"Oh yeah. They had a drunken night together where he just… he told him he needed him. Needed this dad. They came home blasted around 2am and have been getting along amazing since then," she laughed half heartedly. "But Dickie didn't tell Elliot or the girls everything until I was in my second trimester with Teddy, so after Anna Kate was born. That was another drunken night, but with all 5 of them."
"Is he a good dad?" She whispered.
"Dickie? Oh Kathy he's the best," she said proudly. "Having Anna Kate was a turning point… we had a pretty emotional moment after she came. Talked a lot about Emma and the secret and… it was closure for us both."
"I'm glad," Kathy breathed out, eyes watering. "What uh… what did the girls say?"
"Emma found out first," she said, making painful eye contact as she recounted the fight that almost sent her into early labor. "But… she forgave him cause she's Emma. Just like she's forgiven you…"
Hanging her head, Kathy nodded slowly.
"The girls? Devastated. They came home wasted and devastated, and we had a sleep over in our bed," she laughed a little. "Made Mo and I grow closer, Katie had an episode, and Liz withdrew until the last month or so when you came home. Made her totally open up to Peter so… nice to have her back."
"Peter?" She asked.
"New boyfriend. Well… not new but… new to us. He was our ADA for a while but left… he's older. 48."
Kathy chuckled. "And how'd Elliot take that?"
"How do you think," she breathed, laughing herself. "Couldn't say much, though.. Noah loved him and by the end of the night, all the boys were sipping on his expensive bourbon and scotch and bonding."
Smiling small she nodded. "He sounds like a catch…"
"Sarah said that Liz told Dickie she's going to therapy again… so that's good."
"And Sarah and Dickie have Anna Kate and one on the way, right?"
"Mhm… Anna Kate Margaret, and one on the way."
"When I pictured my life, I didn't think I wouldn't know my own grandkids," she whispered, rhetorically.
"She's beautiful… looks just like her mom, but with the Stabler eyes and attitude," Liv offered softly.
"And Mo is pregnant?"
"Yeah… and we're pretty sure Katie is, but she's not talking yet."
"Sounds like Katie… God, she must be so worried about passing that gene…"
"So worried… but Beau is so, so patient."
"He seems like a good one… they all do," she nodded.
"They are…" Liv trailed off, waiting for her to make eye contact and giving her a slight look.
"Eli?" she whispered.
"Amazing," she said, eyes watering. "Amazing son, big brother, little brother. Emma's best friend and Noah's role model. Talented soccer player… so damn smart. The kindest and most gentle boyfriend to Samantha and," she exhaled shaking her head. "Watching him be a father? Navigate this and all of these adult responsibilities… I'm so proud of him."
"Me too," was all Kathy could say as tears spilled down her face and the waitress interrupted the heaviness of the conversation with refills on coffee.
Both women took a moment to steady themselves and wiped their eyes, and when she was gone, Liv cleared her throat. "Why, Kathy?"
"I don't have a reason or excuse that could be acceptable in any world," she sighed softly.
"Try…" Liv directed.
"Selfishness? Anger? Resentment that I slept with him and got stuck over Catholic guilt after the divorce was almost final? Made me resent Eli…"
"Why Dickie?"
"Reminded me so much of Elliot… and hated that he loved you too. Just needed… needed someone on my side."
"It's fucked…"
"You don't have to tell me that…"
"So what are you gonna do?" Liv whispered.
Kathy went quiet and then looked back up. "I have things for them… mementos and money and…" she trailed off when Liv held up a hand.
"Whatever you're planning on doing, Kath…"
"It's not… it's nothing like that… just a-a step. In the right direction… I hope… so they know uh that I… I do still love them."
"Gonna take time," she whispered.
"And consent from you and Elliot," Kathy said, looking up at her.
"They're adults, Kathy…"
"They've made you their mom again from the second you walked into that hospital, whether any of you realized it or not, and your opinion is important to them."
"How does that make you feel?"
"For the two years? Angry.. jealous… wanting revenge."
"And now?"
"Ashamed… sad and… I just miss my kids."
Liv's phone buzzed with a message from Beau, the family weather man, with a snow update.
"Snow is coming… should get going."
"Course," Kathy said, "thank you for meeting me."
Liv nodded. "Oh," she said, handing her a the gift bag. "Gifts are from Emma… paid with her own money," she said as Kathy opened it slowly, stopping to look up at her.
"We put the money back in her savings," Liv winked, and Kathy chuckled as she pulled out a fleece blanket, candle, and a few face masks."
Tears filled Kathy's eyes, the thoughtfulness and the person it was from, rendering her speechless.
"Cookies were Noah's idea," Liv continued as Kathy pulled out the tin and opened it, seeing the frosted sugar cookies. "Mo said they were your favorite."
"They are," she whispered. "I… thank you," she nodded. "So much."
"I forgive you," Liv said, looking to her. "Emma does too."
Kathy's face contorted and the tears fell hard and fast for a few moments before she was able to get under control.
Once she did, Liv leaned across the table, close to her face and gave a final warning, voice low, steady, and unwavering.
"But if you ever hurt my children or my husband again? You'll fucking wish that car bomb had blown you to bits... And that's a promise. So make your next choices wisely."
Everyone was huddled around the family room, watching a movie or napping when Liv arrived home with several gift bags, a target bag, and the air mattress.
"Mamamamama," Teddy whispered, smiling, gasping, and reaching for her.
"Hi guys," she smiled, setting everything down and beelining to pick him up.
"How did it go?" Lizzie asked, and Liv exhaled, taking a step back with a nod as tears rushed into her eyes.
"It was okay… just," she cleared her throat. "Just made me realize uh some things and…"
"Ma," Dickie frowned, standing and putting his hand on her shoulder, concerned.
Liv nodded, sniffling. "I can't tell you how much I love you guys and how thankful I am to be your mom," she whispered, nodding as tears spilled.
Eli and Elliot both stood protectively, crossing their arms.
She leaned into Dickie who now had her and Teddy wrapped in a hug, and held her hand out. "No need to kick any butt… it went fine and these are happy tears. I'm just so damn happy you guys are mine… all of you."
"Oh mama," Mo said, walking over and joining the group hug after kissing her cheek. "We love you so much."
"Seriously," Liz said, joining next, following by a crying Kathleen.
"Why am I so emotional," she joked and Liv laughed softly, kissing all of their heads and wiping her eyes.
Teddy, smushed in between his mom and all his oldest siblings, squeaked and they laughed, pulling back.
"What did she give us?" Eli asked, cautiously as Liv sat on the ottoman in the middle of the room so she could see everyone, and chuckling when Teddy pulled at her shirt.
"He's going through a growth spurt, he had 8 ounces and some rice cereal an hour ago," El smiled, moving to sit beside her.
"Emma did the same at this age," she said absentmindedly as she pulled herself out and he hungrily latched onto her.
The kids were anxious and silent, and Liv finally looked up once she'd steadied herself.
"Well… first, she said thank you so much for the cookies and gifts," she smiled at Emma and Noah, who both let our a sigh of relief.
"We uh… we kinda planned to meet alone," Liv finally admitted, looking at the four who were supposed to go with her. "We… I needed to hash it out with her… let my momma bear come out without you guys there and… she's a sad soul guys," she sighed.
"How do you mean," Mo asked, curling into Carl.
"She's got a lot of demons, and none of those are excuses but… she did tell me that she's been going to therapy twice a week and she's written you all letters… left unsealed so me and dad can read them first, if you'd like. Gave you all very large monetary gifts, that, she just asked if you don't want, be put in savings accounts for your kiddos, and," she paused, glancing towards Dickie and Sarah.
"The cross," he muttered, and Liv watched as realization dawned on all three older girls.
"Uh huh…"
"What?" Beau asked with a raised brow.
"She uh… had a cross her grandmother gave her as the first granddaughter. It was her's, and we 'buried' her with it, but the plan was that she would always give it to her first granddaughter," Dickie said softly, keeping his eyes on his daughter who was grinning at him from where she sat snuggled with Liz and Peter.
"She said she understands if you don't wanna give it to her, and asked that we keep it till you feel ready, or if you wanna give it to Eli or Mo for Joey or Baby Girl," Liv nodded.
Clearing his throat, he nodded. "I'll think about it," he muttered, sitting back and giving his brother, who was shooting him a warning glare, a nod of understanding.
"And," she said slowly, "she bought rosary beads for all five grandkids, and gift cards to Buy Buy Baby… said she didn't know what you guys needed and didn't want it to seem… too empty."
"What do we do, mama?" Mo asked, rubbing her belly.
"I think what we do, is enjoy our Christmas and our family, and not think about any of this for the next few days."
All the kids had blank expressions and Kathleen sighed. "Ma…"
"I've forgiven her," Liv blurted out, making every head in the room snap towards her.
Her eyes drifted shut and she sighed. "Not for her… for myself. For all you… for your dad. Because of how horrible she was, I have all five of you. Almost 5 beautiful grandkids. I have Emma and Noah and Ted, and I have your dad. Truthfully, I'll never be able to thank her enough for her colossal disaster of a life cause it gave me you guys."
Her eyes opened, welled with tears again as her kids listened intently. "I'm gonna tell you what I told her… and then, I'd like to enjoy this night with my kids and husband, without thinking about her…okay?"
They all nodded and she continued, relaying the last thing she said to Kathy as they walked to their cars.
After taking a moment to process, understand, and accept Liv's not so subtle threat, she explained the gifts she brought for the kids.
Liv paid for their coffees, and the pair walked silently to their cars, which coincidentally had been parked next to one another.
"Kathy," Liv said after they both opened their doors, startling the woman a bit and making her turn. "One last thing?"
Kathy nodded for her to go ahead and Liv sucked in a deep breath in effort to steady her shaking voice.
"I uh… I've worked with victims of abuse and neglect for 26 years. I think I've been so good at it, cause I myself am a victim. My mom… was horrible, and she died my second year at in SVU. I'm not an advocate for the 'family is family' line, nor letting abusers back in the lives of those they victimized,' she paused and looked down before back up.
"But… as miserable as she made me? As horrible as she was? I would give almost anything to just have one final conversation with her… where she explained her actions to me with clarity and humility, and apologized genuinely. Where I could forgive her or tell her to fuck off, to her face, and move on fully with my life. And I know that these beautiful and kind hearted kids that we somehow get to share? They'd give anything for that from you, too."
At some point in the retelling, her eyes had fallen shut again.
The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, and her eyes opened again only when Mo hugged her tightly, followed by the other four in sync, whispering thank you's and I love you's.
"Dickie are you crying," Liz whispered to break the tension.
"God I hate you," he teased, pulling back to wipe his eyes as everyone laughed.
She wrapped her arms around his waist anyways and he kissed the top of her head, before his eyes caught something behind his parents.
"Mom you didn't," he groaned.
Wiping her eyes, Liv laughed. "Dickie, he couldn't not having matching Christmas pajamas with us!"
Eli cackled and and Peter looked up. "Wait what?"
"Man I'm so happy about this cause when y'all said Peter was sleeping over tonight, I thought 'no way am I wearing a onesie in front of another grown man I just met,' but I knew I wasn't gonna get out of it, so this works out," Beau said in relief.
Carl snorted and El's head whipped towards his wife. "They're onesies?!"
"Did you not read the family group chat??" Sarah laughed.
"No we sent while he was working an overnight specifically so he couldn't complain," Sam said, accepting a high five from Liv.
"The constant plotting!" El cried with a laugh.
"I don't like this alliance," Eli laughed, looking between his mom and girlfriend.
"Get used to it," Dickie snorted.
"Wait wait wait," Peter said, holding up his hands. "I have to wear an adult onesie?!"