Chapter 12

"Kerry, I'm glad you're okay." Gil spoke softly as he entered the small curtain area.

She lit up the moment she saw him. "You came! I know that. I know you would came."

Her smile spread to his face and Gil took the woman's hand in his. "I'm happy to see you Kerry, but I'm mad at you for trying to hurt yourself. We would have been very sad if something bad happened to you."

She shook her head vigorously, "No. No, no, no. You could be happy. 'If Kerry didn't need me so much then maybe'. I made sure. I made sure you would find her and be happy."

He squinted at her, tilted his head, "What do you mean, 'If Kerry didn't need me so much.' You are Kerry."

"Selina wrote that. In the book I'm not supposed to touch. If I didn't need her so much she could come back to you, do all of those things you wrote about in your letters."

Selina spoke up. "Kerry, we've talked about respecting my privacy. Gil's letters are private, and that book is off limits. I bought you lots of books of your own."

Kerry began to cry, "I know. I know that. I know I'm not supposed to. My books are all about fake people, but I like Gil. He says things that make me see them. I'm sorry. I just thought if I was gone you could do all the things in the book."

Grissom turned to Selina, "Again. Book?"

She shook her head, waved his question away. "Ker, how could I be happy if you hurt yourself?" She turned to Gil, "Can we have a minute?"

He had no choice but to comply with her request. Portia noticed him trying to find an unobtrusive place to wait outside the curtain without going all the way to the sitting room. This time she was able to free herself from duty long enough to capture a moment with him.

"Dr. Grissom, nice to see you again." He appeared grateful to have found a space to fit in, a reason to be standing in the middle of the room. He asked the nurse about a book he had recommended and they shared a few moments discussing the characters and plot points. Eventually Portia's curiosity got the best of her and she had to ask about his visit. "What brings you out our way today Doctor?"

It always unnerved him just a touch when she referred to him as doctor. It wasn't his title, though his Ph.D did give him the right to it, in this setting it seemed unwarranted when there were so many doctors of medicine close by. He reminded himself that it was a title she was comfortable with, as she used it all day, and stopped himself from insisting she use some other form of his name.

"An old friend found herself in a bit of a situation."

Portia marveled at how skilled he was at answering a question in the most polite way, without giving up one shred of real information.

"Kerry Keith. Yes, sad really. I believe they're going to have to keep her for a few days." She offered what she knew, hoping he would feel compelled to do the same.

"Is that necessary? She wasn't allergic to the peanut butter was she?"

The nurse lowered her voice, "No, physically she's fine, but it was an attempted suicide which buys her at least an overnight observation, and given her condition, they'll probably want to investigate further."

He nodded that he understood. Frustrating man.

When Selina again popped her head out of the curtain just over an hour had passed and she was surprised to see Gil still waiting.

"I thought you would have gone."

His eyes were soft as he read her, trying to determine through body language if there was more than her mind would allow her to say. He was never great with people, their motives were a mystery and he normally stuck to science, but this woman was different. This woman he knew. At least, he used to. "Do you want me to go?"

She was unprepared for the choice. She didn't. She wanted him to stay, but she was unable to ask him to. "I just don't want to hold you up, I know you're busy."

He responded to the words instead of the look in her eyes. "I'm off for the rest of the night. They're keeping her tonight?"

She nodded and bit her lip. "Observation. They're gonna think I drove her to this."

"There's no reason for that. She's high functioning, they'll see that, and they know with that come moments of difficult behavior and occasionally, depression and suicide attempts. We're lucky she was creative about her choice of methods. This could have ended badly."

Suddenly angry Selina shot back at him, she knew this could have ended differently. Did he not know that she would have by now already pictured a million different ways she could have found her sister dead, and all because she hadn't been more careful to hide the book and the letters. All because she had let her sister down and allowed her to feel the one thing she never wanted her to know, her life was in the way.

Gil let her rage at him, let her spiral herself through anger and sorrow, regret and self-loathing and then he simply held her in his arms while she sobbed.

Slowly she flattened her hands against his chest, pushing away gently. He held her more firmly. She pushed again, "Please Gil, let me go."

"I've tried for years. I don't think I'll ever succeed."

She struggled free of him, "I can't do this. Don't you see how dangerous it is? Letting you hold me only reminds me of exactly what I can't have. That safe place? It doesn't exist for me, it can't. When mom died and I left you to take care of Kerry, that was the last time I got to be the one who was comforted. Now I'm strong. Every day. Every minute. Letting my guard down for even a moment ends with this…an emergency room, my sister thinking her life is…" she couldn't finish it. "Please just go. It hurts too much to look at you."