A/N: Happy Ten Tuesday! As ManderleyLane so perfectly said: "suspend disbelief".
Thank you for reading, everyone! Please comment and follow me on Twitter @beebee33_. I really take your ideas and opinions seriously.
E: I think your mom is mad at me.
D: Usually when Sarah is mad I don't have to question it
Eli: Ditto. What did you do?
E: Fair.
E: Your mom is mad at me.
Eli: Uh huh, we got that. What did you do??
E: I've been being kinda a baby about these letters from Kathy.
D: Okay…
E: We've sat down a few times to try and read them and I just… I keep fucking up.
Eli: Want us to investigate
D: That's exactly what he wants us to do
Eli: She at work?
E: Yeah.. got called in and left in a huff.
Eli: Maybe little man and I will pop in.
D: Don't even say it, you know I'm fragile
E: Eli you're my favorite
D: Bastard!
Liv and El were back on call the Saturday following the Christmas holidays.
Emma and Noah had gone to hang with Jake and his little brother, and Teddy was taking an early morning nap as the pair sat on the couch with the Kathy Letters.
They'd tried to do this, several times now, but he'd always chickened out before immediately regretting that he chickened out and wanting to read them.
It was akin to when he wanted to know Emma, but wouldn't tell the big kids but also wouldn't stop talking about it.
A vicious cycle that was driving her insane.
"I don't wanna do this," he sighed and she shrugged, swinging her feet across his lap and trying to hide her eye roll. "We don't have to," she reminded him for the 600th time that morning.
"No baby, it's okay…"
She watched as he scrubbed his face with his hand and then leaned back.
"El…"
"Liv… can we just get this over with?"
He didn't mean to snap, but that's how it came out. Fire burned in her eyes, but her phone lit up with Fin's face before she could snap back.
"Saved by the ring," she mumbled, tossing down the letters and answering her phone.
Liv was neck deep in work, ignoring texts from her husband and debating on which daughter to reach out to to vent.
The Kathy situation was eating her alive, and she couldn't stand the fact that after twenty-some-odd years and four back together, she was still a chicken shit about talking to her husband.
Her husband!
"Fuck," she grumbled, opening yet another text from him.
E: Baby… please :(
She cleared the notification again and pulled up her messages, scrolling through and glancing at her daughter's names as they rolled by.
Maureen was her go-to, but at 8 months pregnant she was far too emotional to handle this.
Kathleen? Also a no-go. The early stages of her pregnancy were taking a massive toll on her, both mentally and physically, and Liv certainly wasn't going to add to that.
Lizzie… they'd just gotten her back and she didn't want to drag her down again.
Which left Sarah, who at 7 months pregnant might just be the better and more rational option than her oldest.
After a moment of hyping herself up, she texted Sarah, who on top of being her daughter in law, had become a close friend too.
L: Sometimes I wonder if the Stabler men will ever not be so… dramatic?
S: Dramatic, thick, annoying… you name it. Lol! What did he do? You okay?
Breathing a sigh of relief, she replied.
L: Just these Kathy letters, I guess. Feels like they're driving a wedge. Just need him to be strong for once I guess.
L: Keep this between us
S: I will for sure. You at work?
L: Yeah, got called in on a case. Nothing incredibly urgent, just a report they needed me to take and my "expertise" on combing through files. Honestly? Happy distraction away from El for a few hours. Lol.
S: Lol! I get it. Will you be off by 5/6? Let's get dinner.
L: If nothing changes in the next hour I'll be off by 4:30. :)
S: Keep me updated! We'll get dinner and chat. Love you!
L: Love you!!
An hour later, Liv was back buried in her work and combing through files for any lead on a suspect when she heard a bit of a commotion in the squad.
Eli has just strolled into the precinct, EJ strapped to his chest in a little hooded snowsuit, with pizzas in one hand and coffee in the other.
"Our favorite Stabler son!" Fin cracked, making Liv look up from her desk and get up to walk to her door.
"Make sure you tell Dickie that," he said with a nod, holding up a hand to his mom. "I'm fine," he assured her.
"Dad send you?"
"Course," he laughed, handing out coffees to the squad and exchanging hugs and handshakes. "Brought little man for buffer."
"Need to remind me why I love the Elliots so much?" She cracked, kissing his cheek and taking her coffee.
"Exactly. You got a few minutes to eat with me?"
She glanced nervously up at her squad who waved her off and sent her with a box of pizza into her office.
EJ started to whimper in his carrier, and Eli shed his backpack and then gingerly unclipped the swaddle to take the little one out.
"There's cap's boy," she cooed softly, taking him and pressing him to her chest.
"What did he do?" Eli asked, reaching to pull down EJ's hood as he settled against his Cap.
She laughed dryly. "It's nothing baby…"
"Mama," he warned, sounding just like Elliot.
Giving a weak smile, she pulled the littlest Elliot closer to her chest and kissed his head. "I'm really uneasy about these letters… and… I'm feeling like I don't know how to communicate that I need daddy to be the strong one," she said, clearing her throat that was beginning to fill with emotion.
"Mama," Eli frowned, setting down his pizza and moving to sit beside her. "Mama, just tell him… dad would do anything for you."
"I know he would… I'm just feeling a little frustrated and…" she blinked quickly, trailing off.
"And?"
"And insecure," she whispered, finally.
Eli couldn't help but chuckle. "Cause of Kathy??? Like Kathy and dad???"
"No," Liv said, breathing out a sobbed laugh and wiping her eyes. "Cause of you guys…"
Elliot was playing on the floor with Teddy when his phone buzzed in the boy's text.
Eli: You're an idiot
D: You must be cause mom and Sarah are getting dinner tonight
Eli: Yeah. He's a massive idiot
E: What did she say??
Eli: She said a lot of things. I'm saying to get your head out of your ass and think about why she could possibly be frustrated with you
D: *gif of someone furiously eating popcorn*
E: ?????
Eli: Dad, she's scared of losing us, the girls specifically, to Kathy. And your indecisiveness is exactly like what happened with Emma and it's pissing her off!
E: Wait what?!
Eli: Mom is strong 24/7. Take care of her right now and stop being so damn stubborn. Just read the letters today, while you're home, and be there for her tonight.
E: But why and how could she ever think that???
Eli: I don't know, that's what I said. Just read the letters and then go talk to her dad.
"Shit," Elliot groaned, setting his phone down and looking over at his youngest son who had stopped playing to look up at him.
"Looks like it's just you and me tonight, and we've got some reading to do."
Emma texted Liv just as she's parked at the restaurant where she was meeting Sarah.
Em: Can me and Noah sleep here tonight? At Jake's?
"Oh my," Liv mused, showing the message to Sarah who'd met her at her car door and laughed.
Em: The boys will sleep down in the basement and I'll sleep in Jakes room!
Em: Please!
L: Text me and daddy please- I'm at dinner with Sarah. This is a biggie and needs to be up to him.
A text came though seconds later in a chat with her, Noah, El, and Liv.
Em: Daddy can me and Noah sleep at Jakes tonight?
Em: The boys will sleep down in the basement and I'll sleep in Jakes room!
Slipping her phone in her purse, she walked into the restaurant behind her daughter in law, allowing Elliot to handle the freak out alone for a little bit while they got seated.
Elliot was, indeed, freaking out at home.
He was half way done with the letters and felt completely wrecked. On top of that, Liv hadn't spoken to him since she'd left and he didn't wanna bother any of the kids.
Teddy knew his daddy was off, though, and had spent the afternoon nestled either in his lap or beside him on the couch, quietly alternating between playing with his toys and snuggling.
Both boys were still in their pajamas and El finally sent a selfie of them to Liv as a last ditch effort to get a response.
Liv loved the image and sighed, replying.
L: Confirm with Dani that she's not to go downstairs past midnight and vice versa on Jake. They'll need clothes.
E: Okay…
E: I'll send Dickie and Eli. I'm reading the letters.
E: I love you so much
E: I hate when you're upset but especially with me
E: I'm sorry I'm an idiot
L: My idiot.
E: Your idiot.
E: Teddy and I got you your favorite wine and cake so we can read and talk about these tonight… if you feel up to it.
E: Fin said you guys cracked the case- awesome.
L: Yes to all of that.
L: I'll be home later.
E: I love you baby :(
L: I love you too.
Elliot exhaled a sigh of relief and looked down at Teddy who was staring up at him with his big brown eyes that held slight judgement, just like his mother's.
"Your daddy is a lucky guy," he whispered, kissing his head and fixing the freshly spiked hair that Elliot had styled on a letter break. "A stupid guy, but a lucky guy."
Elliot's reply to their daughter came through just as they were ordering their main course.
El: Sure babe. Eli & Dickie will drop off clothes for you guys.
Picking up her phone again, she exhaled and pulled her wine to her lips, taking a few hearty swigs.
"What?" Sarah asked when she saw the change on her face. Reaching for Liv's phone, immediately covered her mouth to silence her laugh.
"He's reading the letters… I didn't think he'd actually do it but… he is and he's invested and knows he's in trouble if he's sending his henchmen out to threaten a 13 year old on our daughters first teenage sleepover."
Sarah couldn't helped her laugh, and picked up her phone pinged next. It was the group chat with the Stabler boys and their girls.
D: Lol babe guess what me and Eli are about to do!!!
Liv moved to sit beside her in the booth so they could laugh at the messages together.
S: Don't be too excessive about this Richard!!
D: It's my baby sister!!!
S: I know but we all trust his parents, plus Noah, plus- Jake is a good boy.
Sam: And Emma is smart! Guys, be nice!
E: We're gonna!!
S: Richard and Elliot. So help us if you embarrass that girl.
Sam: Seriously!!!
E: We're cool I promise!
Sam: Your outfits say otherwise
The girls group chat lit up next.
Em: Oh my god guys. Moms at work late and daddy is busy so he's sending Eli and Dickie to bring me and Noah clothes for our sleepover at Jakes tonight!!! They're so embarrassing!! Help!
M: Wait a minute
K: Who sanctioned this?!
L: Why are you sleeping at a boys house!!!!
Em: Ugh!!!!
Sam: She's sleeping upstairs and Jake and Noah are sleeping in the basement, everyone calm- mom and dad know lol
S: At dinner with Livie- she and El are having a disagreement so this is a convenient step in his grand plan to get the kids out of the house so he can grovel
Sam: While simultaneously not being the bad guy and interrogating her boyfriend.
Em: Guys! Focus!
M: I hate it
K: Yeah Beau and I don't approve.
L: I mean if there's three floors between them…
M: Liz we almost had you.
L: I'm always team Emma.
S: Liv says it's fine cause Noah is there
Em: Who is also being dramatically over protective!
M: Lolololol.
L: I do love him…
Sam: Eli and Dickie just left. Sar, I have AK.
M: Oh god they're going no kids??!
Sam: Yeah they wanted to be more "serious"
S: They left you with 3 babies?!
Sam: Haha Kate is coming down
K: I'm going down, but Beau and I are watching from the window. They're both in muscle shirts and sweats and I'm pretty sure there are nerf guns in the back of Dickie's car.
K: They look like mini Elliot Stablers lol
L: Lmao muscle tees?! It's 28 degrees out!
Sam: Well I mean… one of them is.
K: They look pretty tough tbh
Liv and Sarah laughed at the photo of the boys getting into Eli's car. Both were indeed wearing sleeveless zip up hoodies and looked just their their dad.
L: Lololol. Dickie looks like such a dad.
M: Yeah his dad bod compared to Eli is sad
Sam: To be fair, Eli is a workout psycho like El. We'll get two hours of sleep with the twins and he'll still be up at 6 doing push-ups.
S: No, Dickie has a dad bod. He craves what I crave. Which is everything this pregnancy.
L: Ahahahaha. Good to know we're talking about Dickie's dad bod finally.
Em: Guys!!!!
K: You'll be okay
M: Yeah it could be worse
L: Right- you could be getting the real thing and not just the henchmen.
Sarah set her phone down, content that the banter had put her bonus mom in a better mood, and smiled as she moved back to the seat across from her.
"Those kids love you," she reminded her. "We all do."
Exhaling, Liv looked down and nodded as her eyes filled. "I'm sorry… I don't know why I'm so emotional this week."
"Mama," Sarah said, reaching across to hold her hand. "You don't have to be strong all the time… okay?"
"Okay," she husked, forcing a smile of her own as their food was brought out.
Emma was waiting at the door when Dickie and Eli walked up.
"Guys don't," she warned.
"Emma it's fine," Jake said, slightly defeated as he walked up behind her with Noah.
"Are those my nerf guns," Noah asked, taking their backpacks as Eli and Dickie continued to try to be tough.
"Uh huh," Eli said. "You joining this bro?"
"I already gave him my speech," Noah scoffed, taking his sister's bicep and pulling her from the door as Dani gave a thumbs up from the hall to the men about to interrogate her son.
"You guys are so embarrassing!" She groaned, shaking her head and holding her face.
Dani swooped in, ushering Noah away and pulling a worked up Emma into the kitchen.
"He can take it," she said, nudging her gently. "You're so lucky to have big brothers who are crazy about you."
"More like just crazy," she sighed, holding her face and squeezing her eyes shut, desperate to never show herself cracking, much like her mama.
"It'll be okay… okay? I promise you. If your brothers hadn't come, me and his daddy would be giving the same speech, alright?"
She nodded and wiped her eyes, accepting a hug from Dani before joining her brother to wait.
Outside, Dickie was stood behind Eli who was doing all the talking.
"Listen man… we like you a lot," he said, crossing his arms and flexing his muscles. "But you lay a finger on her and," he snapped dramatically, "that's all gone."
"Uh huh," Dickie added. "I know we showed up with nerf guns to lighten the tension, but seriously man. You keep your hands and your hormones to yourself."
"She comes home with a hair out of place tomorrow we will kick it your ass," Eli added.
Jake gulped and nodded quickly. "O-okay… I pr-promise…"
"Hey and that isn't just tonight. That's for as long as you date our sister or anyone else for that matter. You show respect and respect is not having sex or doing anything until you're both fully ready."
"And even then, you do it safely. You go to your dad or you come to us. Cause look you're 13 now… the urges are there but don't be stupid."
"As long as you wait till 16 or 17, we'll get you what you need okay?"
Jake was red from embarrassment while also looking like he was gonna pass out.
"I-I promise g-guys we… we barely k-kiss."
"That's a lie," Eli said giving him a look. "My sister tells me everything. Hands to yourself. Okay?"
"O-okay," he said, eyes wide and head nodding furiously.
"Alright," Dickie nodded, clapping his shoulder. "Now take a deep breath and relax. We all got this talk one time or another and we're better men for it."
"Well I have twins at 18 but," Eli sighed, and Jake exhaled a nervous laugh, making Dickie snort.
"Touché. You good man?" He asked the younger boy, who nodded, wiping the sweat from his brow.
"Y-yeah…"
"Alright. Go have fun," Eli said, pulling him in for a bear hug before Dickie did the same.
"But not too much," he whispered into his ear before forcing him inside and shouting bye to their waiting siblings.
When the got in the car, Dickie looked to Eli, shocked. "She really tell you that??"
Eli scoffed. "Hell no, she would never. But I was 13 once," he laughed, blasting the heat. "Come on, let's have a drink. Make Sarah pick you up."
"Sounds good. Speaking of sex talk, I think it's time I share my wealth of knowledge," Dickie teased and Eli choked on the water he was sipping.
"Let's not, there champ."
The boys arrived home as Emma texted in the family chat.
Em: Jake survived
Eli: We were Nice.
D: I was nice
M: I don't believe that
D: Woah papa bear mr muscle over here is way meaner than me
C: Wait! What happened!
K: The boys threatened Jake cause Emma is staying the night (separate floors)
B: Carl we weren't invited it's fine I'm cool it's cool
D: The kid would have had a heart attack. We still love "y'all"
N: Jake said Eli was scarier
L: Cause Eli is a mini dad
El: Lol. Glad I wasn't the bad guy
Em: I saw you texted him daddy.
K: HAHA!
M: He couldn't resist
Eli: OHHHHHHH
D: Ahhhhhhahahahaa daddio!
Sam: Omg you guys are too much.
S: Our poor daughters!
O: Don't worry- Cap will always be here to reign them in ;)
S: Thank God for that!
Sam: Preach!
Liv walked through the door at 7 to find Elliot and Teddy passed out on the couch.
The sound of the door woke them both up gingerly, and they glanced her way as they woke.
It was clear that they'd both had a hell of a day, as evidence by their red, puffy eyes and tear stained faces.
"Hi…" she whispered, suddenly feeling horrible as she took off her coat and hung it up before removing her shoes.
She quickly made her way over to them once Teddy buried his head in Elliot's chest at the sight of her, working to work himself up.
"I'm here," she cooed softly, taking him and holding him close. "I'm here baby boy… oh you smell so good… did daddy give you a bath?"
"Yeah," El said softly, now sitting, and wrapping his arms around her thighs in a gentle effort to pull her down to his lap.
She sat willingly, the effects of the glass of wine she'd had at dinner and 10 hours without speaking to him had worn on her, making her body ache with desire for the safety of his touch.
"I'm sorry," he breathed out into her hair. "I'm so sorry."
"I should have communicated," she shook her head, voice low and husky.
"I should stop relying on you to communicate and should open my eyes now and then."
Breathing out a stifled sob, he kissed the side of her head and chuckled when Teddy reached for her breast.
"I have to pump buddy… but I can give you a bottle."
"He had one and hour again… but how about I get him started on another while you change and shower… then we can do what you want, okay?"
"I wanna read these and get them over with," she whispered, tears finally filling her eyes.
"Alright… alright," he smiled small, kissing her cheek. "Go get comfy and get some wine or your pumps and we'll be waiting."
She breathed out a soft sigh and nodded, passing Ted over and standing, stretching her back lightly.
"Hey," he called softly as she started to walk away.
Stopping, she turned back and found his face inches from her's, smiling small when he leaned in to kiss her slowly.
"I love you Stabler. Your kids love you… all eight of 'em. Nothing's gonna change that."
She nodded quickly and blinked a few tears from her eyes before kissing him again. "I'll be right back."
"'Kay baby. We'll be here."
Liv checked in with the kids via text before rejoining El and Teddy on the couch.
She sat with her legs over his, and took their baby who whined, reaching at her shirt with a frustrated look on his face that mirrored his daddy's so much.
"I know sweet boy but mommy had a glass of wine tonight and it's only been an hour," she sighed softly as El passed her his bottle.
His little face screwed up into a scowl as he pushed the bottle aside and laid his head into her breasts, stuttering out overly dramatic sobs.
"Honey it was just a glass he'll be fine," El whispered, putting his arms around her knees.
Liv sighed and looked at him, accepting his encouraging nod and pulling up the old tshirt of his she'd thrown on.
Teddy found her nipple immediately and settled down, sucking in stuttered breaths through his nose as his eyes began to roll back.
"Missed me?" She asked softly.
"Course… you're his mama…"
"Yeah," she nodded, keeping her eyes on Ted's face and her free hand on his cheek as tears welled again.
"Olivia," he said softly. "Look at me?"
His voice was soft and gentle and encouraging, and made her tears fall hard and fast as sobs wracked her shoulders.
"Liv," he said, pulling her hand from Teddy's head and pulling it to to his chest with his.
Finally looking up, she let our a sad laugh and leaned her face into her arm in an attempt to wipe her tears. "Sorry… I don't know why I'm so emotional," she gasped.
"Hey… you don't have to apologize to me…"
"My emotions are just all over the place right now. We've had so much incredible change with our family but the Kathy thing," she sucked in a sob. "It's been so hard… and I just… the last few days I've had this overwhelming feeling that I'm just gonna lose them… I'm gonna lose our girls and maybe even Dickie and my heart can't take it."
Teddy was now fully asleep, and El took him from her, setting him and his sleepy pout on the ottoman in front of them where he couldn't go far.
"C'mere," he mumbled into her hair as he pulled her to his body. "You have every right to feel scared… but I wish you'd remember how much they love you and how much you mean to them."
"A-and I just have felt alone in this cause you weren't handling it and I just…" she broke down, her breathing speeding up and a panic attack setting in. "I feel like I always have to be strong and it's so taxing sometimes Elliot… I don't feel protected a-and… I need to lean on you."
Elliot's eyes were burning with unshed tears as he pulled her to straddle him so he could get her breathing under control before he lost her to PTSD and other bad memories.
"I know…" he spoke softly. "I've done a shit job at that… at being your protector and I'm so, so sorry. Oh gosh babe… I'm so sorry and I hate that you're this sad. I don't want that…"
"You are… you are my protector with so many th-things but j-just this I… I need more. I can't be strong anymore I need you…"
"I'm here… I'm so sorry… fuck babe I'm so sorry I hate making you feel like that… I promise I'm gonna do a better job at looking at the whole picture from here on out… I know it's not my strong suit."
She let out a soft laugh and melted into him as her breathing steadied and his lips found her temple, kissing repeatedly.
"I don't know why I'm so emotional… I'm sorry," she said, sitting back and wiping her eyes. "Been such a weight on my shoulders and I think just being home with the kids for so long and going back hit me kinda hard."
"You don't have to explain anything to me… I'm your guy… your number one fan… I love you with my whole heart."
"I love you…" she began to issue an apology again, but he cut her off with a kiss that made her giggle.
"No apologies," he reminded her.
She pecked his lips and sunk back into the spot beside him, getting comfy with her legs across his lap and reaching for their baby.
He passed him over and she laid her against against his shoulder, sucking in a breath.
"They weren't horrible… actually very kinda I just don't know I believe them," he said, picking up the stack of letters from beside him. "Whose do you wanna read first?"
"Emma's," she whispered without hesitation.
"Emma's it is."
Pulling Emma's letters from the stack, he folded it open and let out a soft sigh, speaking aloud.
"Dear Emma,"