Dear Emma,
I don't have words to express how sorry I am for the years you missed out on with your daddy.
I don't have the words to make it better or hurt less, or go back in time so that he didn't miss those moments with you.
But I want you to know that if I did? I would speak them in a heart beat.
I only know you from the kindness I've seen so early on. When your mom, after everything, texted and said you and Noah got me a Christmas present, I was floored. There aren't many 13 year olds who have such a kind heart… certainly never your siblings at your age- haha.
In the wake of frustration with me at the family meeting, you remained kind and loving, while steadfast and serious. You get all those qualities from your mom, who is one of the most amazing people alive.
My anger was born out of jealousy of her and the bond your daddy has with her, and that anger and jealousy kept you from him.
Emma, I don't expect you to forgive me ever, but I just want you to know that I'm so thankful for you. I'm thankful that the lights shining in your dad's eyes again. I'm thankful that the world has another kind and good person in it. And I'm thankful that my kids get to know you and love you, and you them.
With love,
Kathy
Emma set the letter down and sucked in a deep breath.
"You okay?" Elliot asked her softly.
It was the following day, and the kids had come home and insisted on reading their notes after making immediately broken promises to not tell their siblings.
Noah was inside with Liv and Teddy, and Elliot sat outside on the patio with Emma.
"She's a sad lady…" Emma finally said softly.
"She is…"
The pair were quiet again, both lost in thought for a while and looking just alike before Emma spoke again.
"Dad I love you."
Looking down in slight shock, Elliot composed himself and his lips turned up into a smile.
"I love you too, Emma. And I'm so glad you're mine."
Smiling small, she scooted over and tucked herself into his side as they quietly swung on the porch swing Noah insisted they get the summer before.
The small table top fire pit was going in front of them, and Emma snuggled further under the heavy blanket that was now at her chin.
"You wanna go inside?" He asked her softly expecting her to say yes.
Instead, she shook her head. "No… just wanna hang with you."
"Alright baby," he smiled small.
Dear Noah,
You are such a light in all of the darkness I've caused.
I haven't gotten to meet you in person, but hearing the kids talk about you and seeing the way you interact with them and the little ones on FaceTime was unbelievable.
You have your daddy's softness for others and your mom's fire… you're so lucky, and your whole family is so lucky to have you.
I hope to know you better one day. Thank you for your Christmas kindness.
Love,
Kathy
"She's weird," Noah huffed, snuggling into Liv and tossing the letter on the table.
Liv just laughed softly and shrugged. "She's trying?"
"Do you like her mom?"
"I…" She hesitated. "I pity her… she's a sad woman."
"And?"
She breathed out a soft laugh and shook her head. "And I think she's a fool for leaving her kids and I hate her for It."
"Hates a big word."
The statement wasn't accusatory or untrue, just factual.
"I know… and I'm working to not hate her cause I hate that I hate her…"
"I think you're allowed mom," he scoffed.
"Thanks son."
"You make me so proud to be your son even if you do hate her. And honestly mom you're such a good person that like if that's the only person you hate I think you're doing good," he laughed to himself, not noticed the cascade of tears running down her face until moments later when she sniffled.
"Why are you crying?!" He exclaimed with a frown, turning in his spot.
She laughed and wiped her eyes, shaking her head. "You're proud to be my son?" She asked softly.
He looked at her for a moment and raised a brow. "Well duhhhhh," he said with a playful scoff. "We all are. Don't cry mom."
His arms were wound tight around her neck as he snuggled into her and played with her hair.
"I love you so much baby," she said hugging him.
"Mommy what's wrong," he said, sitting back with a pout.
"I'm sorry… I'm okay it's just… sometimes mommy can't be strong all the time," she smiled small, wiping her eyes.
"You shouldn't have to," he said, sitting back on his knees and wiping a tear from her cheek. "That's what you have all of us and dad."
"Oh sweet boy," she whispered with a soft chuckle, pulling him into her chest as the slider opened and Elliot and Emma walked in.
"Dadadada," Teddy whispered, smiling, but reaching for Emma.
Noah giggled. "Teddy bear say Emma!!"
She lifted him up and he laid against her chest, still whispering his favorite word.
"You guys alright in here?" El asked, sitting beside his wife and wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
Emma sat on his other side and Noah laid across all of them, looking up.
"I'm alright… just emotional," she chuckled softly. "I'm sorry."
All three speaking individuals scolded her apology, making her laugh and shake her head.
"I think for me it's just… she's never really met you guys and yet she's boasted about how kind and loving you guys are and… I can't tell you how proud that makes me… feels like I've done something right, you know," she whispered.
"Momma," Noah frowned, sitting up and hugging her tightly, moving himself to her lap and resting his head on her shoulder.
His mop of curls was laid between her and Elliot, and he looked over at her with a both a prideful and quizzical look, allowing her to continue.
"I'm not sad… I'm.. I'm just proud and that pride is overwhelming. Raising you guys alone for so long with my work schedule you know, I always worried that I wasn't gonna be able to teach you guys properly and raise you right so… hearing things like this just makes me so proud. And even more proud that when daddy came home we just fit I… it was something I always worried about and prayed for so…"
Emma stood and moved beside Liv, snuggling into her with Teddy and Noah.
"I love you guys very much," she whispered, kissing all of their heads. "Your big siblings are my world for sure but… you three and Eli? You guys are my whole freaking universe."
The older two giggled and Teddy reached up to hold her face.
Elliot wrapped all of them in a bear hug, giving them smooches and tickling them all just as Eli walked in.
"Oh group hug without me?" He exclaimed, going behind the couch and wrapping his arms around all of them.
Teddy popped up from the middle of the pile and gasped, reaching for him and making Noah laugh.
"Teddy why do you want everyone but meeee today," he whined playfully as they all sat back and Eli took his littlest brother.
"Cause he loves his Eli huh," Eli cooed cutely, "he misses me."
"Me too," Noah sighed. "Can we have a sleep over this weekend?" He asked, tilting his head back to look up at him.
"Yeah of course… you wanna come to practice with me Friday?"
"Yes!" he gasped.
"Hey me too!" Em said with a fake pout.
"Yes of course you too!"
"You too?" Liv asked Teddy who just giggled and reached for her.
"Nope still a mama's boy," Eli laughed.
"You should talk!" Emma teased as Liv unwrapped from them and took Teddy.
"Always," he winked.
"Why didn't you bring Sam and the babies," Noah sighed, kneeling up and playfully smacking Eli's stomach.
"Caaaause I need to read my letter and hang with you guys. Plus, they're napping for the next three hours till dinner time for them and Sammi 'needed a minute alone before she kills me.'"
Elliot snorted and nodded. "That's fair."
"We've all been there," Liv laughed, leaning into Elliot as Teddy tugged at her shirt to nurse.
"For a weening baby he's literally the worst," Eli said, sitting on the other side of Emma and pulling her into his chest.
"Yeah that's why we're weening!" She laughed. "He won't survive at day care if he doesn't."
El settled back, smiling when Emma snuggled into her brother and Noah chattered on about his excitement of watching the twins two weekends from then when Sam and Eli went for their date night.
"Still mad or we cool?" Eli whispered to his sister.
"We're cool," she said, hiding her smile in the blanket she had around her.
"Good. I love you."
"I love you even when you're embarrassing."
"Guys can we get pizza tonight?" Noah asked, bringing everyone from their own little worlds.
"Noah do you ever not think of food?" Eli laughed.
"Uhhh no," he shook his head, looking at his dad expectantly.
"Alright alright," he laughed. "How about you, me, and Em go get pizza and mom and Eli can read his letter?"
"Uh dad I actually I want you here too… all of you…"
El blinked quickly and nodded. "O-oh okay… yeah bud of course."
"We're staying," Noah clarified Eli's request and Emma nodded as the six settled onto the couch and Liv handed Eli his letter.
Eli walked through his front door at the end of the night, stopping and smiling at his girl in the oversized chair they'd gotten her just before Christmas.
She was illuminated by the soft light of the lamp beside her, was cozy under the blanket with her favorite reality show on, and had a twin on each breast.
He took note of how relaxed she was and how good at being a mother she was, right off the bat.
Like his mom.
Kind and gentle and loving and supportive,yes, but most of all a natural mother.
Closing his eyes, he said a silent prayer of thanks that she was both his and his children's.
"Babe…"
Her voice pulled him from his moment with God and his eyes met her's.
"You okay?" She asked softly.
Nodding, he shut and locked the door, slipped off his boots and coat, and made his way over to her.
"Just thanking God for you and for them," he said, leaning down to kiss her and then each twin's head.
EJ unlatched and rolled his head back, giving his dad a milk drunk smile.
Both twins were a little over a month and smiling more and more, especially when their heard either of their parents voices.
"Hi little boy," he whispered, sitting beside Sam, wrapping an arm around her, and expertly taking EJ in the other arm while Joey continued to eat.
"You wanna talk about it?" She asked softly, laying her head against his chest and getting comfy.
"Hoodie pocket," he said softly, and she nodded, pulling out the wrinkled paper and settling back into him to read it.
Dear Eli-
I'm so sorry.
I don't even have a place to begin or know how to put this onto paper.
Hearing how much you've grown… how much you've gone through and succeeded is amazing.
As much as I'd like to think I had some part in that, I know I didn't. The credit for your successes and the man you've become goes to your dad and your mom, Olivia.
I think you've always been her's, from the moment you came into the world. The bond was immediate, just like your dad's with her, and I resented you for it- just like I did him.
When your dad shot Jenna, I saw the opportunity to run while he was fragile. To take the two things she cared about the most away from her and finally "win" once and for all.
I thought it'd make me feel better- that you and dad would finally be mine. But that wasn't the case. You both were worse off for a time. There were so many nights he'd call for her in his sleep or you'd ask for her before bed, and while you grew out of it and forgot, he didn't.
The crazy thing about you? You looked like her, too, especially when you started to wear your hair longer. You could have passed for her son, and that wasn't lost on your dad. All of this only fed my jealousy, and there's no excuse for any of it.
When we came back and I was given the opportunity to go away again, it felt like the ultimate revenge you and your father. That's not a decision I'm proud of but it's the one that I've made.
I know my words don't mean anything to you and my actions have proven even less, but I do love you, son, and I'm so sorry that my selfishness got in the way of you having a mother's love for so long.
I have a long way to go, both with myself in my own heart and with you and your siblings, but I'm trying. I hope, just like with them, that one day I get to at least be your friend and know your babies.
You make me so proud and I love you.
Kathy
When she was finished reading, Sam set the letter on on the table beside her chair and looked up to him.
Tears were in her eyes and he gave her a sad smile, leaning over to kiss her head.
"What did you mom say?" She asked softly and Eli chuckled a bit.
"What do you think my mom said?"
"Thank you're incredible and strong and smart and even though that letter is bullshit she still had a part in raising you? And you should appreciate her and the step anyways?"
"Something like that," he chuckled, smiling when Joey finally pulled away from her mommy's breast and smiled up at her daddy. "Well hi there," he said softly, taking her against his chest when Sam handed her over.
EJ was out cold on his other side, and he continued to hold him while expertly burping Joey with the hand he held her in.
"And what did you say back to her?" Sam whispered finally, turning to face him, her hand on the back of his neck and playing with the soft hairs there.
"Told her she was full of shit and that I'm the man I am today because of her and the dad my dad became for me when she came back."
"She cry?"
Eli chuckled. "Oh yeah. Said I make her damn proud."
"But you don't feel proud of yourself," Sam whispered knowingly.
"Usually? No… but after reading that and coming home to you three… thinking about my life up to this point and what I've overcome… I'm pretty damn proud of myself."
"You should be," she said, leaning in to kiss him slowly. "Cause I'm damn proud of you and I'm damn proud to have these babies with you."
"Thanks," he smiled a little. "You know reading that has made me realize that… I'm so angry at her. Deep inside. And… I'm sick of being angry with her," he whispered. "I feel like I'm unable to give my whole focus to you cause I'm so mad at her," he sighed. "East up everything inside of me in the quiet moments when I should be thinking about other stuff.
"So forgive her," she whispered and he nodded. "Easier said than done I guess… but, I wanna try… was thinking about having her over for dinner?"
"Here or at your parents?"
"Probably there but… I'll talk to them. W-would you be okay joining with the kids?"
"Eli, of course," she scolded lightly, reaching up to kiss him. "Anything for you."
He smiled small and kissed her back before nuzzling her cheek.
"Hey," he whispered. "I'm pretty damn proud of you, too. You… you're incredible and I don't tell you enough."
She smiled. It was genuine and her eyes lit up as she leaned in to kiss him again. "I love you baby," she said against his lips.
"I love you, girl."
Joey squeaked, adjusting herself to get comfy and Eli laughed. "You too, little girl."
"You know, when I found out I was pregnant and it was a girl… I guess I knew in my heart it was yours… and I used to wonder what kinda girl dad you'd be… if you'd be like your dad…" she trailed off.
"And?" He asked softly with a smile.
"And you're absolutely gonna be just like your daddy if yesterday's show with Emma taught us anything," she giggled.
He laughed and kissed her repeatedly. "You saying I'm gonna be an over protective crazy??"
"That's exactly what I'm saying, Mr. Stabler," she smiled, snuggling back down into him.
"Mr. Stabler," he laughed. "That make you Mrs. Stabler??" He teased and she smiled.
"Maybe one day."