Chapter 17
"Damn Gil, you're a man obsessed." Selina stood in his living room and took in the wall coverings.
"I'm an entomologist." He shrugged.
"Which explains your office, but this, this is a butterfly museum." She stepped close to a display of pinned butterflies, arranged by color and size.
"Maybe they release my inner poet." He set her luggage close to his bedroom door, but not inside it. "Much converse do I find in thee, Historian of my infancy! Float near me; do not yet depart! Dead times revive in thee: Thou bring'st, gay creature as thou art! A solemn image to my heart."
"Wordsworth." She identified his words, but countered with her own. "Realize what you really want. It stops you from chasing butterflies and puts you to work digging gold. William Marston."
He stood thinking for a moment, the look on his face something she couldn't read. "I wonder if I lined my coffers with gold whether I'd still be haunted by the butterfly."
"Is that a quote?"
"No. An observation. I'll, ah, put your things in here. I don't have a guest room, I'm sorry. You can take mine."
"I'm not putting you out of your bed Gil."
He shook his head, "I'll be working while you're sleeping anyway, most likely, so there's no reason you shouldn't take the room."
"We'll share it."
The ambiguity of that statement went directly to his stomach, sending the butterflies into a tizzy.
XXX
Sara found herself humming as she drove to her appointment. The day looked brighter than any in recent memory and that suited her fine. She had her window down, the wind blew her hair across her face and she laughed at how feminine it felt.
"You're glowing."
"You're overstating." Sara plopped onto the familiar sofa and favored Dr. Case with a smile.
"I must have been thrown off by that unfamiliar mouth position."
"I'm happy." Sara let her hair fall in front of her eyes.
"Let me get my calendar. I'll have to mark this down." The doctor teased.
"Easy now. I'm not that miserable all the time."
"No?"
"Well, obviously when I'm in here, I'm talking about stuff I'd rather not…but I don't just walk around under a storm cloud all day."
Dr. Case smiled. It was good to see Sara assert her joy for a change. "What sparked today's smile?"
"I don't know. I took your advice. Had lunch with a friend from work. It was nice."
"Nick?"
"No, a female friend."
"Catherine?"
"Hardly. Catherine's not the friend type. I don't think I've mentioned this girl before. It doesn't matter, it was just good to go out and be a little social. You were right about that."
"Imagine that. Did you eat at the lab, or did you go all out?"
"I met her at the lab, but we ate at a restaurant. I think we're going out with a bunch of people on Friday too."
Darkness crossed Sara's face, she looked down, recovered and lifted her head with a mask of the smile that been there only moments ago.
"Who is this 'bunch of people'?"
"Work people, day shift I think. She invited me, I didn't ask who specifically would be there."
"So she enjoyed your lunch as well." Dr. Case fished.
"Yeah. I mean, I think she did. She said she did. I was distracted when we were saying goodbye, but otherwise, yeah."
"Distracted?"
"Grissom showed up with a woman. He said something about her taking his car."
"As in stealing?"
"As in using while she's in Vegas."
"Did you talk to him?"
"Briefly. He introduced me to her, but with Grissom that get's you no where. I think he said something about her knowing who I was."
"And you took that to mean what?"
"I didn't really think about it until now. I mean, I was feeling good after lunch and went for a drive and just…didn't think about it."
"Good. What were you thinking about?"
"Him…sort of. I was thinking about something that Kendra said, about how she missed the attention she got from Nick when she worked night shift. She was saying how it was this little shot of adrenaline to her day. Day shift drags forever now that the possibility of that ego stroke disappeared.
I thought about how I used to look forward to coming to work because I loved what I did. I mean, I still love what I do, but somewhere…I can't tell you at what point, I got addicted to the little ego strokes I got from Grissom. I didn't realize, it wasn't about HIM, it was about getting that boost. "
Sara tapped her chin with her long fingers, thinking it out further. Dr. Case let her go on without interruption.
"No, I'm wrong, it is about him, to a degree, because it isn't like I don't get hit on by other guys…but Grissom is someone I respect. I don't want to…I hate to make the comparison, but it's a lot like what we talked about with my dad- when I was small he told me I was smart and pretty, then he resented me for being smart and pretty and I worked harder to show him how smart and pretty I was. Drove him away."
She curled into herself again, her feet on the table in front of her, her chin on her knees. "Maybe it isn't Grissom, maybe I'm still searching for dad's approval."
Dr. Case put up her hand, "I think in some ways that might be true Sara, but I don't want you to get too comfortable with the Grissom as father figure solution. Yes, it's true that you see him as an opportunity to work out some of the issues with your father, but I also believe that you see him as a romantic equal. You are on to something with the addiction to being validated by someone who was a possible mate. When the validations don't come you try to force them, that's a pattern of behavior since you were small, but it doesn't mean you see Grissom as paternal."