Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize. All characters belong to a woman with a great imagination and determination, capable of creating this world that is the center of so many stories.

Chapter 19 - Bitter, Lonely, Friendless

"James?" Lily breathed. Her eyes travelled down to the cloak on the floor and rested on the map. She gave him a puzzled, questioning look. "Potter, what is this?"

James looked down and shook his head. "It's not important, Lily. Not important at all. You have to hear what happened. I have to tell you."

Lily closed her book quietly and got up to stand in front of him. "What happened, James?" she asked. James gulped.

"I let you down, Lily. I couldn't protect you. I couldn't do anything. I failed," James said and began to shake. Lily took him gently by the arm and led him to the couch. "It's just...I could have transformed, I could have done something, anything, but I didn't."

Lily carefully tried to figure out what he meant in her head while gently rubbing his arm in comfort. He turned to her and gave her the most painful smile she's ever seen anyone give.

"You probably don't even know what I'm talking about."

Lily didn't answer. He gave a dry, humorless laugh.

"Last night, Lily. Last night something horrible happened. Something you weren't even meant to be part of. It's all my fault. You see, last night, after you walked out of the Room of Requirement, you were caught. And when I came after you, I was met with a dark hall and four people. They were Bellatrix Lesterange, Malfoy, Rodolphus Lesterange, and Regulus Black. I asked where you were. And they...said you're on a date. They lit up the hallway and there you were, pinned to the wall by none other than Severus Snape, your necklace dangling from his hand like a trophy, your dress...your dress ripped," James stopped. His eyes glazed over with tears of anger, but he blinked them away. He stared straight ahead of him, and breathed heavily. Lily leaned to be in his line of vision.

"I remeber that," she whispered. Her voice was scared, and her eyes were wide with fear. James gulped and continued.

"I tried...I tried to get to you. I tried to break free when Regulus and Rodolphus caught me. But I couldn't. Bellatrix just laughed. She laughed her insane cackle," Jame said viciously. "And then you...you pleaded with me. You asked for help. And more of that insane laughter. More of that ridiculous look of sweet revenge in everyone's eyes. More of it."

Lily sank back into the sofa. Her mind was playing images, things he was describing that she knew she wouldn't have imagined. Her heart rate quickened and her breaths became shallow as she saw it. She saw everything right up to the point when Snape pointed his wand ather. She gripped James by the arm. He looked sadly at her.

"And then he pointed his wand...at you...and he muttered that curse...that blasted unforgivable."

Lily put a hand to her mouth, which was open in horror. James turned back around, not daring to close his eyes in case the images came again. He looked straight at the bathroom door as he kept going.

"And he did it...and then made you like him. He asked you if you liked him...and you said...you said..."

"James, whatever I said, I didn't mean it," Lily reassured him. He shook his head.

"You looked at me, Lily. You looked at me like you look at a bug about to be squashed. Lily, it was pure hatred. It was just like you were looking at me in third year, when you saw me at the forest's edge and I asked you out. When you said you hated everything about me. You looked at me like I was dirt beneath you feet, Lily. No spell can do that. No spell can put that much hatred in someone."

"James..."

James hurriedly put a hand to his face, rubbing away the tears threatening to fall. He'd be damned if he started crying again, for the fourth time this year. "And then you said you wanted Snape. That you wanted Snape to...to..." he broke off and sighed deeply. "He kissed you and...ripped your dress to shreds. And then you stepped out of your dress, and looked like an...like an angel. But he kissed you again. He kissed your lips, he kissed your neck. I heard the snap of your bra undoing and...and..."

Lily clutched her clothes to her chest behind him. Tears welled up as, little by little, she saw glimpses of what had happened.

"And then Peter was at the end of the hall," Jame said. "And I thought we were saved," he said through another bound of humorless laughter. "I thought Peter was the one who would stop this. So I started yelling. But it wasn't Peter. It was Sirius. Peter did what he does best. He ran."

"So I didn't..."

James shook his head. "As soon as Peter showed up, Snape had you put your clothes back on, not revealing anything more than what was under your dress. Then Sirius came, and, well, you must remeber the rest."

Lily nodded slightly. James turned to look at her. He took one look and broke down. Startled, she leaned towards him, hugging him. He quietly cried in her chest as she held him, at a loss for what to do.

"I couldn't protect you. I vowed to and I couldn't. I couldn't..."

"You couldn't do anything," Lily said soothingly.

"I couldn't, Lily. I couldn't even transform."

"I'm glad you didn't. What if they found out and they knew that you were a stag? That would no doubt help them. I'm okay, James. Nothing really happened."

James suddenly sprang up and punched the couch. Lily jumped. "You were nearly raped! That's not nothing! I said I wouldn't let anything happen to you, and it happened right under my nose! Right in front of me! To a damn chorus of laughter behind me! I couldn't protect you at all! And you didn't deserve it, either! They didn't do it because they had it in for you, they had it in for me! I should have known that from the start! I should have known when Charles died! They hadn't gone after him! They were after me, Lily! They were always after me."

James finished quietly. He sank back on the sofa. "They were after me too," she said quietly. "They killed my family, remeber?"

"Don't you see, Lily? They were never after you! I'm the reason your life's messed up! I'm the reason your family died. I'm the cause for everything that has happened this past week. It's all my fault, Lily. All my fault."

"Don't blame yourself for my parents' death!" Lily snapped, tears falling down her face. "Voldemort may very well be after me! He may very well be trying to kill two birds with one stone!"

"No, Lily," James said, shaking his head. "He's only trying to get me. And not to kill me, I know that much. But if he gets to kill you, a muggleborn, he's happy. Especially if it hurts me. Don't you see, Lily Evans? I'm the sole reason for all the hurtful things you've been through. Maybe if I stopped...if I cut off everyone, everyone will be happy."

Lily shook her head. "It doesn't work that way. It never works that way."

"And how would you know?" James asked, quietly.

"I've tried. I've tried it, James. All that comes of it is...me. Bitter, lonely, friendless and horrible."

"You're not horrible, and you do have friends."

Lily smiled sadly. "No, James, I have aquaintances. Those don't count as friends. I've told you, James Potter, more about myself than I've told anyone else. And to think, I used to dislike you."

"Used to?" James said.

"Yes. It's quite ironic, really. We've been at opposite sides on everything for the past six years, and now you're my only friend. My only friend in the world."

"So you do have friends," James said, with an attempt at a smile. She looked at him and her heart filled with that feeling. That unfamiliar feeling that the world is perfect, all because it allowed someone like James to let her feel this way. "Lily Evans, I love you," James said. He held up a finger as Lily tried to speak. "But I will never want to put you in danger. I'm stopping. I'm stopping everything. I'm going to stop asking you out. I'm going to stop hanging out with Remus and Peter...and Sirius. I can't risk it, Lily. You all mean too much to me to be killed because of me. I'd rather be lonely than guilty, Lily. I'd rather be dead than cause anyone harm."

"James..." Lily started. James shook his head and leaned in, kissing her. She felt instantly elated as their lips met for the third time ever. He stood up.

"Goodbye, Lily Evans. Tomorrow, you will hate me again. And I will...I will be over you and completely alone. Then no one can hurt you and my friends. Just...always remember...I love you."

Lily watched as he went to his stairs, slowly climbing up to his room. "You can't just dismiss feelings at the drop of a hat, James!" Lily yelled as he opened his door. "You can't just decide you don't love someone!"

James said nothing, only quietly shutting the door.

"I love you," Lily said quietly, looking at the shut door. "I love you, James!" she screamed. The door stayed shut. "I love you," she sobbed. She grabbed a pillow and gripped it, pressing the soft material against her chest.

In his room, James closed his eyes and tried his best to ignore the sobs from downstairs. He had heard her declare her love for him three times, and every time he had wanted to jump up and go downstairs, lift her off her feet and spin her around happily. He wanted to feel the warmth of her body, the touch of her lips. He went to reach for his homework, then remembered he had done it all. He lay down in his bed. The sobs had stopped, and he was glad for that. He closed his eyes, and, to his surprise, the images from last night were nowhere to be found. Instead there was Lily. She was smiling at him, a smile that lit up her face and made her eyes twinkle with life. He smiled as her laughter rang in his ears.

His eyes snapped open. Someone had knocked on his door.

Sins of Angels: Okay, well, I know I said I wouldn't be posting while I was on vacation (which I can tell a lot of you read by your reviews, hehe) but the computer was open and the ideas were flowing so I decided to go ahead and post something. However, I am going to a place with no computer starting tomorrow and not coming in contact with a computer until the third, so I will NOT be able to post anything, so don't expect a post for a couple of days. Sorry about this whole thing. Thanks to all reviewers and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. By the way, did it say anywhere in the books when Lily, James, Sirius and Peter were born? Because if it didn't I'll just have to pick arbitrary dates for the time being. If anyone knows and could tell me, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!