Chapter 36
Hunched over, her fingers turning white, Sara grasped her pen like a lifeline and filled the pages of her journal with oversize frenzied script.
June 26, 06
I feel like I'm going to be sick. This is stupid, I know, but it's finally happening. He didn't take the job, he gave up a promotion and I know he did it for me. Well, at least a little for me. He would have hated the job anyway, but it's clear that what I said to him pushed him to make the decision sooner.
Kendra, Sue, Mae and I started a yoga class tonight at the Y. I was so excited to do this class but I couldn't' quiet my mind. It was right after work, right before class that he showed up in the parking lot. Oh God. He got a haircut. I just realized it, he got a hair cut and his beard was all trimmed and I think those might have been new khaki's he had on. I'm gonna throw up.
I couldn't touch my food at dinner. I managed two margarita's but food was a definite no. The others said I was acting like a suspect but I can't exactly tell them can I? He said we weren't advertising. What does that even mean? I wanted to tell Kendra, it would be good to have a girlfriend to hash this all out with. Stupid Nick. I wish he weren't on his damn honeymoon.
We're having breakfast. He's picking me up. Oh shit. I wonder if he's going to come up. It's not like he hasn't been here before, but this will be weird. Do I offer him coffee? But we're going out. No. I should just meet him downstairs. Yeah.
I showered when I got home and pictured his face the whole way through. What the hell am I going to wear? What do you wear? It's the middle of the night. It's breakfast. That's casual right? But he'd made an effort earlier. Maybe nice pants. It's kinda cool out, the red sweater? It's got cleavage, not y'know, Catherine cleavage, but cleavage. Should there be cleavage?
Crap. If there's cleavage I'll look like I'm trying too hard. But he did get his hair cut. And the beard trimmed. So he's trying too. We're like two junior high dorks going to our first dance. Why won't my hands stop shaking?
I should call him and say I can't come. I can say I hurt myself at yoga, just ask him if we can have dinner tomorrow or something.
I have to just do this.
What will we talk about? We have nothing to talk about. Work crap, that's it. There's not even anything new there, we did all of that at the wedding. I hope Nick's enjoying that honeymoon. Bastard.
We're gonna sit there and stare at each other and it's going to be terrible and then I won't even have the fantasy anymore. I don't want it to be weird with us. It's going to be so uncomfortable to have waited all this time. It's too much pressure.
What about when he drops me off? At least I won't be able to invite him up, he'll have to go to work, but …
What if he tries to kiss me? What if he doesn't and we both sit there not knowing what to say?
"Uh, well, this was a disaster, see you around work."
Yeah. Great. Be careful what you wish for. He can't try to kiss me. If he leans over to kiss me I'm gonna get sick. I'm sick thinking about it. I know, I know I've fantasized about it a billion times, but GOD this isn't some fantasy Grissom. This is actual Grissom. What the hell? I can't kiss him. He won't kiss me. It's Grissom. He wouldn't. Right?
What if he does and it's all awkward and he's a really timid kisser? What if he's a bad kisser? Oh God. What the hell am I doing? I can't do this. I oh shit. He's gonna be here in 15 minutes. I gotta get dressed.
Wish me luck.