Title: All I Need to Know

Author: Misty Waters

Fandom: The Fairly Odd Parents

Pairing: Wanda/Cosmo, Tooth Fairy/Cosmo, OC/Cosmo

Rating: M for language, sexuality, non con sex scene, and a dash of homosexuality

Disclaimer: In my reality, I own everything, even the recipe for the Hurts Donut and Humble Pie, and that star next to the Big Dipper that no one can see because I painted it black. But even in this beautiful (though slightly creepy) universe, I do not own the show the Fairly Odd Parents.

Summary: A look in Cosmo's diary shows what he thinks about Wanda, his adultery, the Tooth Fairy, and cheese.

I'm an idiot. I can't take care of myself. I never know the right or even the not so wrong thing to do or say at serious times. And every time is not a serious time to me.

So many people get mad at me. Jorgen always tells me he wants to destroy my "puny" body in one way or another. In public, he goes on and on, like he's trying to show everyone around how big and mean he is. But in private (and I try to never be "in private" with Jorgen!) he's not so creative. He'll just choke me or toss me into a wall or shake me, and if he has to talk, it'll be in a bored voice and with little words.

I actually don't hate him. I've seen him nice before, even to me.

But anyway, I'm not talking about him. I'm talking, or actually writing (Jorgen made you, Diary! And he put the sparkles on your pages himself, too. He said he only gave it to me so I could write my "asinine" –whatever that means, Wanda won't tell me—thoughts down instead of "burdening" –boy he sure likes big words!— the world with them) about Wanda. She's my wife.

She doesn't think I'm stupid. She knows. She's watched me ruin things she loved because I sometimes get words like "monster" and "rare cornucopia museum" mixed up. She yells at me when I ask a cute girl out on a date, and she whacks me when I embarrass her in public—a lot.

But she also cries when I get really hurt and gets herself into trouble by getting me out of it. She stays up all night to wait for me and pretends not to notice that my shirt is on backwards, my fly is down, my tie is draped, undone, around my neck, my breath is alkaline, and my body is drenched in the smell of really expensive perfume. But I know she knows. You wanna know how I know she knows? Because one night, when I went to the bathroom, I peeked out and saw her still standing in the living room, with her head down, shoulders shaking. When I fixed myself up and went out to her, we both had blink really hard to kill the tears.

That night, as I ate the cheese soufflé, the fried cheeseballs, and drank my cheese tea (o god I love cheese! Hold on, Diary; I'll be right back!)

Ok I'm back, and full of cheese! Hmmm, that reminds me of what the Tooth Fairy told me when I said her shorts make her look fat but in a good way. Only she didn't say cheese.

Anyway, lemme read where I was. O ya! So at that dinner I watched Wanda and we were both so quiet. I remembered how mad I was at her when I saw her kissing that stupid, sexy Juandissimo. I went to my Mamma's house for a week for that. But this time I was the cheater, and she didn't do anything!

Now I have to tell you about the first time I was with the Tooth Fairy. This is a funny story, actually, though maybe not as funny as shoving monkeys in a barrel. I still fail to see what could be more fun than that.

It was soon after me and Wanda started dating. I was obsessed with her (I don't think that feeling ever goes away). We had talked about all kinds of jobs, including being god parents, and she had found a really cool job making wands. She loves smart stuff like that. She had to go to a special class for it, and she had lots of friends that were smart like her. She was having so much fun without me that I got jealous. I wanted to go with her, but when I asked her she laughed for three hours straight. She stopped then to gasp a few times and borrow an inhaler from the fairy who was staring at her (the whole time I might angrily add) to "replace her oxygen," as she said. And by then I was crying, partly because I could never go if she didn't let me, and because she really hurt my feelings, and also because I just remembered that I forgot to feed Snowball, my three headed hydra, so he might have run away again. Instead of wiping away my tears and holding me (like she always does when I cry), she laughed again.

I left for the school. I wanted to make myself smart fast so I could pass the entrance exam and make her regret laughing at me. She would talk about the school so much at nights, I had memorized the paths and turns to the library, and on the way, the number of bumps on the stucco walls, and the latitude and longitude (I had my compass) to the best book an idiot (yay! That's me!) could get smart fast with.

I guess my mind was wandering, because when I tried to turn the page, suddenly I was surrounded by a smoky heap of rubble that used to be the whole school.

I was freaking out so bad I couldn't talk even when Jorgen came and yelled at me.

But who defended me in Fairy Court? Wanda. Who visited me in Jorgen's little jail for Those-Too-Stupid-To-Go-To-Real-Jail-But-Should-Take-A-Break-From-Society jail for the whole month I was there? Wanda. And who got me a new wand when I got out? Monkey. I mean, Wanda.

And even though she yelled at me a lot for ruining her dreams, she forgave me. And she was the only fairy who did. Even I didn't. I was scared that I would do something like that without even realizing, out of anger. I was sad for Wanda, and shamed at myself for my jealousy. I hated myself and thought about flying myself into the star of our world's giant wand power supply. But then I realized that Wanda would cry and blame herself (women always do that when men kill themselves), and the point was to NOT hurt her anymore.

So I did the next best thing. I left her.