I had to get up. I passed my Mamma's house, but knew she'd ask me how I was, and I always tell her way too much. She'd lock me in my room for a year if she had found out what I did! I passed the giant wand and flew real close. I was so close for so long the heat coming from it made me sweat and feel faint. I thought if I focused hard enough on my problems, I would have the guts to jump, but that only made me fly (I felt more like I was tumbling) very quickly away. I kept beating my tiny wings that fast and hard till I fell out of the sky I was so tired.

Then Jorgen found me with pigeons sitting all over me. I didn't cower or tremble or cry when he yelled at me, so he stopped and picked me up. He stared for a long time and said, "You better get home before you hurt your puny self, puny fairy."

"I'm not going home. I left Wanda, and I'm not going back!"

"What? Why did you do this thing?"

I told him everything, unable to stop myself. It felt good to get it out, and that someone would actually care. I was sitting on his arm, so at the end of the story I leaned on his shoulder and cried all over it.

"Wow! I've GOT to go to one of that girl's parties!" he said, and then he held me in his hands. "You are ridiculously lucky to have had that incredibly sexy experience, and yet my big, muscular heart weeps." He lifted my chin up to look at his eyes. "Cosmo, I have seen Wanda, and she is not happy. Though I could never understand how this could possibly be so, she is completely miserable without you."

"She is?" I was so happy that she was not. "But she'd tell me to buzz off if she knew about…"

He put a hand on my mouth. "She must never find out! 1, she wouldn't believe you, and 2, if she did, she would be furious! Dammit, you imbecile, you must go to your puny girlfriend right now! You have exactly one hour to make things right between you two before I pound your tiny, insignificant existence into the mud!" And then he brought me behind his head and threw me far away.

I landed on Wanda. I was too dazed to move, but she picked me up and squeezed me so hard I almost fainted. And then she cried so hard, mumbling my name, that I cried too. She poofed us back home when too many fairies were looking at us. I held her, burying my face on her chest like I always did I was very sad.

"I read your note, honey, but did you really expect me to believe it?" She laughed and sniffed at the same time. "I mean, come on! You don't even LIKE taffy!" She held my head and stroked it. "O, sweetie, what happened? What was so bad that you had to leave home?" Then she looked at me hard. "Did you go to your mother?"

"O Wanda!" I wailed. "I ruined your school and your whole life! I'm so stupid, and I destroy things and hurt you when I'm not even trying!" I sniffed and said, "Even you know it! You told our neighbors I was the "bane of your existence." I'm not sure what that means, but you sounded mad when you said it!"

"Hehe, well actually, sometimes you are, but that doesn't mean you're not also the light of it!" And she hugged me.

A while later she asked me where I had gone. I at first tried to lie, telling her about the magical world of the Mushroom City with beds and couches made of toadstools (which actually exists, but only I know that, O, and you too, Diary), but she glared at me. She is way too smart sometimes.

So I told her the truth. All of it, and then added, "I had lots of girlfriends, and even a boyfriend! I didn't like it though, because I always missed you."

She just looked at me for a while. "Well, at least you're honest with me, and hopefully by now you have gotten that uppity cunt out of your system."

I grabbed her before she could leave and said, "I learned something at her house that I want to show you."

"O ya?"

"Let's get a shower."

So that's the funny story. You know, it actually isn't so funny. I feel sad just thinking about it! And she was really mad, though not at me.

So maybe that's why she doesn't say anything when she doesn't see me cheat, but knows anyway. I don't know why I do it; it's so easy to forget her and the whole world when I look at a pretty girl. And it's so easy to do what I want with them. They don't nag me or ask me things, but act like our "date" is something special, and all they want to do is make me happy. And I don't love any of them so I don't have to behave or feel…you know, Diary, I really can't tell you about this! I can feel all the reasons inside, the way I feel a burrito that really wants to get out of my tummy, but I just can't explain it. Maybe I'm not the only fairy in the world who doesn't understand why he cheats on his wife. Then again, I am the only fairy who has such a hard time understanding things.

And you know those girls never turn me down. In fact, many will come after me. And if I say no, they pump me so full of Sprite Ale (those sprites are harsh bastards!) that when I finally come to, it's in another girl's or boy's bed.

But Wanda doesn't let me hit on girls when she's around. The next time I saw the Tooth Fairy was at a Fairy Convention and Wanda was there. The Tooth Fairy stroked my hair and I saw little hearts dance in front of me. She kissed me and I kissed back as Wanda came looking for me. The Tooth Fairy laughed when Wanda threw me to the ground and wand whipped me till I pleaded for her to stop.

"So once isn't enough for you, is it?" she screeched with tears in her eyes. I didn't get up, so she lifted me, only to throw me back down.

"Ow! I fell on my wand!"

"You'll fall on more than…"

Then T.F. laughed, and Wanda charged her. "You want some of this, whore?" T.F. very intelligently took her bag of convention souvenirs and flew away.

Then Wanda came back to me and poofed us home, where she paced the room, calling me all sorts of names like "slut" and "asshole" and other stuff I couldn't understand, but didn't dare ask her what they meant. Wow, she was scary. And you know what? That made her REALLY hot. So I grinned as I watched her, giggling a bit. She got really mad. "O, so you think this is funny, do you? Well, I'll show you funny!" But what she did was not funny. It hurt. A lot. By the time she was done "beating me within an inch of my life," as she called it, our house was a mess with stuff knocked over and broken. And I had blood down my shirt and in my hair and stuff.

And you know what else? I like it when she attacks me. Because then I know that's getting the hurt out of her mind, and by the time I'm sleeping in my own blood on the floor, Wanda has forgotten all about it. And she always takes me to the hospital and stays with me and reads me jokes and brings me candy. She treats me so well the next few days, too. I know she'd never kill me. Er, I hope, I mean.

One time when she carried me into the ER after she found me eating an olive out of Kitty Kadaver(the human magician's wife)'s belly button, the nurse asked what happened.

"I fell!"

"You're a fairy, how can you fall?"

And then Wanda, always the smart girl, said that I insulted her cooking. And the nurse got out of her way and from then on no one ever bothers us there.

But it's bad when she acts like I'm innocent and is quiet and sad because I hurt her really bad. That's when I think about that giant wand. And now that I'm her husband and not just a boyfriend, andshe can't just leave at any time, it's much worse. She beats me less and less. Ignores me more and more. If she didn't still love me, she would have divorced me; that's what everyone says anyway. So it's really all my fault.

But you know, Diary, that's what makes her so special. She will always forgive me and take me as I am, cheating and destroying and all. It's like we love each other so much we couldn't split up if we wanted to. And sometimes we do.

Maybe I should tell her what I did tonight, Diary. About Denise and her elfen half sister. That the purple smudge on my collar isn't wine jelly that only exists in a restaurant that closed tonight and then burned down but while no one was watching, so not it's not on the news. Maybe I should tell her it's Debbie's lipstick, the same shade she wears only when she goes out with me because I told her one night thatit made her lips look as sweet as they tasted. Maybe I should tell her that I wasn't really stuck in the line at the jewelry store--which had magically run out of the exact earrings she wanted--on her birthday, but was doing stuff in the closet with my wand and the lady that does Wanda's hair on special days like that one, and that when I say wand, I don't mean the one with the star on it. And that I gave her the coupon for a free haircut, manicure, and wing shining that I had bought for Wanda, even though we both knew that as an employee, the girl could have all that for free. And I should tell her that the lingerie I ended up getting her as a present that day was on the girl who worked at the Victoria Can't Keep a Secret store, when I fucked her in the lady's room because she said my eyes were pretty.

Wow, Diary! And that's just one day! I think she'd have a long talk with the giant wand if I told her about all the times I've betrayed her. You know, I really think I hate myself. Ooops! Sorry, Diary, I just cried on you.

Well, Diary, should I tell her? Should I? Why don't you talk to me! I thought you were magic!

Fine. Be that way.

O Diary! I could never leave you! I'm so sorry! Can we be friends again? I'll take your silence as a yes! O goody.

While I was gone I was with Wanda. I stopped her from doing the taxes to sit on her lap and rest my head on her breasts. They are so soft, Diary. I held her tightly around the waist and made small wet stops on her shirt while she petted my head. I shivered just a little when she kissed me up there. I felt so warm, the heat from her body like a blanket against the freezing cold everywhere else but in her embrace. Her arms tight around me felt like a womb, and I never wanted to leave.

She lifted my head to her face and said, "What's wrong, honey?"

I put my head against her neck. "Me. I'm so flippin' stupid!"

"O, come on, don't be…"

I looked at her, and I guess I looked so serious, she got scared. "Yes, I am. I'm stupid to do bad things to you when you never do anything bad to me." I looked down. "I embarrass you. I don't listen to you. I let Timmy ignore you and grant his dumbest wishes whenever you tell me not to. And I lie to you, and cheat on you so much." I then looked up carefully, but she didn't get mad, just sad. O how I needed her to get glad!

She sighed. "I know. You really are the worst liar in Fairy World, sweetie."

"But if you know…why do you pretend to not know?"

Here she smiled and held my face in her hands. "Because you always come back to me, and that you have a lot of psychological problems even nagging and beating won't fix." She frowned at the wall. "Personally I blame your mother." She looked back at me, her eyes soft. "And you know that if I catch you in the act, I'll smash you into next month!"

I laughed. Those hands that could hurt so much were snug and soft on my cheeks. I really wouldn't care what they did as long as they were on me.

We kissed and she said something about therapy and stuff—I don't know, she used a lot of big words, and I was distracted by how nice her shirt looked on her.

Well, Diary. I think it will be ok. With this new "therapy" for bad husbands like me, as taught by our very own Jorgen (owch!), I still manage to make my wife cry.But I still know how to make her laugh, and what secret words to whisper in her ear to make her kiss me.I still know what all other men don't about how to be so cute and precious to her that she never looks at anyone else for long. I can still make her squeal when I tickle her in that very secret spot that no one else knows about, and I can still make her blush when I mention bowling balls--because the first time we were caught making out in public, we were behind the pins, and a bowling ball hit Wanda on her butt and made her yell. I won't ever forget these little secrets that keep us together. Those things are like magic words that make everything right again when I really mess up. So, no thanks to that stupid therapy class, even if Wanda is sobbing on the couch, talking to her best friend on the phone about what a horrible husband I am, I have learned from all these years how to go over there, what to touch, and what to say to make her throw away the phone and throw her arms around me.

So as much as I stay awake at night, thinking about the bad things I do, at least I can turn to my wife and kiss her till I fall asleep.

I know I'm stupid. I get confused by stop signs and cooking oatmeal. I have to be told to come in out of a lightning storm and to not stare at the open end of a gun to make sure it's loaded. Puffy stickers freak me out. But I'll always know very well what a gift I have with Wanda, and even though I can't understand how she could love me, my love for her is the only understanding I need. And for that, in the face of my constant girl catching and building demolishing, she will never again let me go. That's all I'll ever need to know.