Reviews:

Urby: When I figure out what the verb 'nerfed' means, I'll come back to you.

And you lucky duck! Playing with the Minish Cap while we're burning at Boot Camp hell or suffering with the awful British fast food! I'm watching you, Sonata.

Blazing Fool: Hi! And thanks for not losing hope and not reviewing. And…what's this? BOOT CAMP! And I thought London was bad…. You are a true devotee or cough addict cough. But the good news is you can have some Super Smashing Sunscreen. Just e-mail me the money. Just kidding of course. I hope you live through boot camp, you brave little soldier.

Demon of the Black Fire: Wazzup? That's right. Crazy Hand used 'hootenanny'. The one who owns the hands 'we all suspect Mario' has a split personality. So, while Master Hand talks all fancy and stuff, Crazy Hand talks Texas-style! Isn't that fun? Blah blah blah. Blah.

And, yeah…maybe I will do Roy. Or maybe I'll do Marth and Roy together! Or…not. Well, anyways, this chapter is about DK, so I hope that doesn't bug you too much.

Totallystrange: Hi, how's life? Yeah, I missed you too. I missed you a lot. I missed you so much it's just Totallystrange level.

I have thought about what you said about the answering reviews problem, but I'm putting that note below in each chapter just to be safe, okay? Okay. I hope you enjoy your summer with a new, twenty-first century air conditioner and eggs that aren't cooking on the sidewalk beside the bacon and sausages. Here in Ottawa that's unfortunately happening, but I have not one, but TWO air conditioners that are 21st century! Envy me, as you read this new chapter in the boiling hot Canadian sun!

Dear Sorry for answering da reviews. Please don't kick me off! Please? ;;.

Dear Reader: It's about time I updated. Enjoy this brand-new, finished five-minutes ago chapter!

Disclaimer: Caliban the Wizard no own Super Smash Bros. Ugh.

The Joys of Cooking; Donkey Kong's Culinary Views.

Today happens to be my day to cook. They even gave me the 'Don't Kiss the Cook' apron. Unfortunately, some Smashers happen to be allergic to bananas in general, so I have to get creative today. Sigh. It's so complicated cooking for twenty-four very different people, so each of them came up to me today suggesting dishes they thought might suit everybody. Boy, were they ever off the mark! Only Fox likes those nasty intergalactic beans sprouts. Just the same, he absolutely despises garlic-flavored lasagna, Mario's favorite dish. And believe me when I say that everybody paled when they heard that Roy wanted to eat only things cooked with extra spicy jalapeno sauce. So I ordered about fifteen different cook books, and compiled the information everybody left me. For example, Roy liked VERY hot stuff, and Peach only wanted mild flavors. Link liked stuff you could really pack in, while Zelda had a delicate stomach and could only handle salads, really. Some people requested food not even of this planet! What a job my computer had. In fact, it nearly blew up when it found out Mr. Game and Watch wanted a big block of cheese. So I added the information from the cook books and it made a whole bunch of new recipes for me.

The first one was "Sweet and Sour Eggplant and Egg Curry with cheesy Japanese Bean Sprouts". So I gathered up the eggplant and eggs, the red bell pepper and cheddar and bean sprouts, and chopped and cut and added lime juice as needed and shredded cheese here and there, when Mario came into the room.

"DK, what are you cooking? It smells great!" he said.

"It's a secret," I told him, and he stopped snooping and flew back to the living room to watch more sumo wrestling with Roy. I finished the curry and placed tin foil over it, and left for my room to make the second dish. I typed for at least ten minutes, until the next dish came up, called "Fish and Re-Fried Soybean Tacos w/ Soy Sauce, Lettuce, & Green Tomato". Now this seemed like a really weird dish, but never question PIPPI, the super comp.

I was re-frying the soybeans, when Sheik came into the room.

"Uh…Donkey Kong, what are you cooking?" she asked.

"It's a secret," I said. She turned into Zelda.

"Well, it smells divine! Won't you let me peek?" she asked, giving me puppy-dog eyes.

"Sorry, Zelda. A secret is a secret. You don't find out till dinnertime," I said. Gee, everybody seemed to love my cooking! Then I shooed Zelda out the room so I could continue cooking.

I finished the tacos, and went back into my room to make the next and last dish. I typed, and typed, and typed for at least half an hour when finally, PIPPI came up with "Leek and Beef Nikujaga with Sweet Jalapeno Broth." I didn't even know what Nikujaga was, but it must have been some kind of stew. So walked back into the kitchen to find Marth holding back Roy with his sword, and apparently having a hard time.

"Must…Have…Delicious…FOOD!" Roy roared.

"No Roy, NO!" Marth said, pulling him back. I just stared for a little while; when I threw the bickering duo out the door so I could cook. The stew was quick and easy, but by then I was almost out of original ingredients for dessert, so I decided to just improvise with a pie.

It was fun applying the sweet lemon curd glaze to my apple, cranberry, peach, and blueberry pie when I saw Roy holding back Marth with his sword this time, and having an even harder time.

"BLUEBERRIES!" he cried.

"No Marth, NO!" Roy said.

"Look, guys, we just went through this. No food until dinnertime. Now out or I'll throw you out," DK said. Marth let Roy carry him out, and I padlocked the door behind them. I ate some of my own dinner, which turned out to be 'Secret Recipe Sweet Noodles', which tasted like a mix between Belgian waffles and egg rolls.

Finally, it was time to test out my new dishes, as Ness set the table and I hit the dinner gong, calling out to the Smashers. You should have seen them race to the dinner table.

"Okay, the first course is served!" I said, passing out the curry. They started wolfing it down, even Zelda, who has very pleasant table manners.

"Hey, DK, this RULES!" Ness said, eating even faster.

"Thank you. And what do you other people think?" I asked. None of them answered. They were too busy fighting over my food.

"Now that's what I like to hear!" I said "Now you can sample my tacos!" I quickly distributed them. They all tucked in robustly.

"Mm. I never been much for fish, but this isn't that bad…" Mario said.

"You know, these soybeans are highly addictive," Sheik said, picking them out of her taco.

"These little green things are lovely! What are they, Donkey Kong?" Peach asked in the high-pitched voice of hers.

"They're green tomatoes. I hope no one is allergic to tomatoes," I said nervously.

"Don't worry! No one is allergic! We want more food!" they all shouted.

"Alright, alright. I'll go get Nikujaga," I said, and left the dining hall. I heard the others wonder about what on earth Nikujaga was. I'd done some research and found out it was the Japanese word for 'extremely nutritious stew'. It took some real work, and a few towels but I managed to carry the huge, steaming pot of stew without scalding myself.

You could hear the theme for the Dawn of Time playing as I brought the pot in.

"Ooh…Aah…Oh…" they all gasped.

"Okay, time to serve it," I said. I ladled out the soup.

"Hot…!" Roy hissed.

"Roy, you're supposed to eat slower until the soup cools down," Marth said, annoyed.

"Okay, I put ice blocks into the soup so it should cool down right about…now," I said. It was like there was kind of machine in each of the Smashers' head that told them 'Eat, because that verb is going to leave the dictionary soon.' They literally drained that soup into their stomachs like a dishwasher sucks away dirty dish fluid.

"I guess this means you like the soup, no?" I asked.

"Do we ever! What's for dessert?" they asked.

"That's a secret. I'll bring it in now. But, stay in your seats or else," I said.

"Bring on the dessert!" they said. I sighed and went into the kitchen. My pie was carefully covered up so no one could tell what it was. I walked back out of the kitchen. The suspense was tight. The Smashers all held their breath.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the dessert for today is…apple, blueberry, cranberry, and peach pie with a lemon glazing. Enjoy. Oh, and save a slice for me this time," I said. This time they actually fought over the pie, regardless of whether or not I was there. When they all managed to get a slice for themselves…

"This is probably the only sweet anything I actually like," Fox said.

"This is weird…but I like the lemon part," Link said.

"BEEP!" Mr. Game and Watch beeped.

"I'm glad you like it, Game and Watch. But maybe I should have put more whipped cream…" I mumbled.

"Please do!" Marth chirruped. Roy knocked him in the head.

"Not today, Marth Vader," Roy said.

Soon, they were finished decimating the pie. They did leave me a slice, but they scraped the bottom of the pie dish clean…and wiped off the lemon paste from my slice.

After I'd eaten my slice, I asked them "How did you like dinner, guys?"

"IT RULES! WE WANT YOU TO COOK AGAIN!" they shouted.

"Well, I doubt it. It took me hours to make a banana-free dinner, since it seems Roy got allergic from eating too many. Roy, I'm going to ask you one last time. Did you steal any of my bananas?" I asked.

He was currently chewing on one that had 'PROPERTY OF DONKEY KONG' stamped on it and tiny colorful spots broke out on Roy's face.

"No…of course not, DK!" Roy said through a mouthful of banana.

"I don't understand. How do these spots keep coming back? I guess I'll just have to use the super cream again. Come on Roy," Marth said, dragging him out of the dining hall.

"Guys, I'm really bushed from cooking today. I'm going to turn in," I said, which was true. I had soy sauce all over my apron, I smelled of lemons and bean sprouts, and I'm sure there was lemon paste stuck to my left cheek. And there was cranberry mix on the very top of my head, and nothing gets cranberries out of fur.

A conventional shower wouldn't work, so I had to use the garden hose that waters Bowser's Piranha plants. And after freezing my furry hide off, I burrowed under my covers and slept, never to cook again.

At least, not until I ended up frying up meat for the annual summer barbeque…

Author's Notes: After being gone so long, it was the least I could do. Nay, there was no internet in London. No internet, no scanners, how could fanfiction be? At least, there wasn't any internet at me uncle's house. But send in your suggestions for a life with more smashing days! Translation: Which character next?