Reviews:
Wow! I got a lot of reviews this time around! I just love answering them!
Blazing Fool: You care as much about reviewing as much as I care about answering reviews! That's just peachy! Oh man…I'm turning into an old person…who says peachy anymore?
Anyways, aren't you glad school has started? Less fun, less food, less sleep, and less updates from Caliban! It's a horrible reality…that's why I'm making as many chapters of this story as possible!
Oh man…Newgrounds…I have big problems with that site…especially since my little bro got in trouble how many times for going there…please, this is a rated K+ site! Show some love for the little ones! Heh…just kidding! Your idea about Zelda and Peach fighting next is just a GREAT idea. Unfortunately, I have a more important battle scripted for this chapter. And no, it's not you killing Mario for insulting Fire Emblem. Not even close.
P.S. We BOTH have perverted friends…but believe me when I say that my friends are a million times worse. I GUARANTEE you that if you spend five minutes with them regarding doushinji, you'll never be the same again.
Ri2: Darn it! Again I mess up someone's gender! That's…one…two…five people and I just started writing! Oh man…
And yes, Crazy Hand is a psychiatrist…who's not entirely sane himself! And if you're wondering what the 'K' stands for in his title, it's Crazy Knuckles Hand, Psychiatric Medic! That's great huh?
But as for the fight…I'm going to tell the truth, which is something I rarely do. I'm not much for writing about actual punches and kicks kind of fights for the simple reason that I'm used to just beating the crap out of someone before they land a hit. Breaking their nose is a good way to stop someone in their tracks.
Alannah: The last time she pulled that stunt she was nearly expelled from her school! So don't try and break someone's nose. Ever. She was just being her silly, not-quite-sane self.
I'm ignoring her…I'm ignoring her…Anyways, glad you could review!
Demon of the Black Fire: You know, someone really ought to start calling you crazy more often. Your comments make for a good review!
Like, we all know that although he's got a make-up set, that SO does not make Marth…fruity.
Just the same, even though Mario won the brawl Dr. Mario won in the long run for not having to install bathrooms by himself. Mind you, Mario's not usually so mean but he IS a violent plumber after all…
And if you thought those ideas were random check out this TOTALLY random chapter! Heh…I'm feeling generous…I'll even dedicate it to you!
Urby: Your double reviewing is the bane of all fanfiction writers everywhere! Why couldn't you be nice like Blazing Fool and make separate reviews! And to think I actually went and read and reviewed your Tales of Symphonia story 'Teacakes'…!
Wait a sec…is your name really just 'Ruby' misspelled? That thought just struck me, seriously I'm only just figuring out the reviewers' names right now! But don't feel bad about the horrible, glaring misspelling that totally ruins your name! It's creative…at least more creative than Caliban! I found four other users with that name and it kills me! That's why I was forced to add 'the Wizard'. Life sucks, don't it?
Anyways…
Poor everyone indeed. I'd like to see how you'd feel in Pichu's shoes…man, someone give the poor little electric mouse abomination some love…
GO VICIOUS VENUSAUR! You know, they've always been my favorite team…although Amazing Alakazam IS pretty solid…we'll just have to see how he does this chapter, huh?
And now with Urby's Mario review.
To tell you the truth, I'm not crazy about Street Fighter much past the games and the anime. Wait…that's pretty much everything about Street Fighter…well, anyways, I don't know the characters or the attacks too well, but it would have been cool. It just didn't strike me at the time. But I'll be sure to get it into this story somehow!
RoyalFanatic: I'm sure you loved being in the review about as much as I enjoyed arguing with Alannah…who I argue with too much anyways.
And for the record, when someone asks me to read and review one of their stories, I have a record of doing so because you did, after all, take the time to review me! So, that's right, all authors, ask Caliban the Wizard to read and review, because I just LOVE to!
And Bowser, quit picking on poor RoyalFanatic! You're supposed to be a team here!
And you know, writing another fight for superiority chapter seems…well, monotone. Although…the idea of 'FIGHT FOR SUPERIORITY II' is pretty tempting…as a Pichu chapter, of course. I'll have to think about it…just keep bugging me about it and eventually I'll get pissed and write the chapter.
Keba: You ought not feel special. I didn't do Captain Falcon justice! He should have had a bigger part! MUST ADD MORE CAPTAIN FALCON TO NEW CHAPTER!
Of course, you didn't think I'd just forget about you and not put you in my reviews answering thing? I never forget a reviewer, even if I someday become so popular I have to write a separate story just to answer all my reviews, I'll never leave out a single one. It'd be my pleasure!
Now I feel special. You went and wrote down your extra-special favorites. Personally, we have the same tastes. I liked the throwing Peach out the window part and the Soul Caliber fighting too! But the Mr. Game and Watch comment…that must have bugged people as much as the Fire Emblem comment! Although would it be more offending to say Mr. Game and Watch sounds like a telephone?
AshRB: AshRB, the R in your middle name must mean 'Reviews Are Short And Sweet' because it was four words and the sweetness gave me a cavity! Reviews like those are the ones I like in particular because then I can sum up the thanks in four words. Awesome and sweet review.
Xiao-Darkcloud: Xiao? A stick figure! What was that one smoking? Listen people, Xiao in Dark Cloud is not a freaking stick-figure. She's a cat…thing that followed the main hero whom I call Drake home and drank his potion…stuff.
And your old, tired comments don't need replacing…I'm just happy with any I get. Yeah, I'm that desperate.
Anyway, reviews are done! Finished. Nada. Go home already! Wait, never mind. You still have to review for this chapter!
Please enjoy my short but funny chapter about Ness! After disclaimers, of course.
Dear Fanfiction Administration: Let me answer the reviews. I mean, I could care less; it just means less writing and merriment for me. But look at all the readers. What will they do? Who will give them the appreciation and sense of humor they so sorely need?
Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. Melee. SO QUIT RUBBING IT IN! Seriously, that salt really makes my cut sting.
Back By Popular Demand! Ness and Ness-essities.
Man…my poor head. What happened last night? Oh yeah…that horrible blankness…the one where I don't remember anything! And why does my head hurt so much! Ugh…it's like my head was used as a weapon in a brawl or something…Must open…eyes…must struggle against impossible odds…must be a HERO! I sat up, only to sit up a little too hard and end up tumbling toward a pool…a very cold looking pool. Well, at least the shock of cold water running down my spine woke my brain up.
"Who's the idiot who though of building a swimming pool at the base of a hill!" I thought. "Jeez, you'd think all these people do is hit each other over the head and fight or something…glad I don't live with those kind of people…" After dragging myself out, I saw a lady in a long pink dress with long blond hair crying, long streaks of black stuff coming from her long eyelashes. I got the idea she was a very long person. Maybe that was her name…
"Hey, Long. What's wrong?" I asked, patting her in the back, which took a great deal of stretching since she happened to be long vertical-wise. Don't you mean tall? Jeez…
"My boyfriend…I mean boyfriends threw me out the window!" she cried.
"Maybe the reason they threw you out a window was because you had more than one boyfriend," I said.
"Oh no," she said, going all business-like, and wiping the long black streaks off her cheeks. " You see, they are actually the same person, just from separate video games. The problem is that they both love me but they threw me out because I tried to stop them from fighting!" She started crying again.
"There, there. You're very pretty, in fact, I like you! We can go tell your boyfriends to stick it!" I said, trying my best to cheer her up. But she just started crying even more
"I need my vanilla pudding!" she bawled, and rushed out into a mansion.
Her Vanilla Pudding? HER Vanilla Pudding? What does this Mister Pudding have that I don't? I mean, if his last name is Pudding he obviously doesn't exercise! I hardly weigh much at all! Why would she love this Vanilla Pudding more than me? That is SO it! I'm going to chase this Vanilla Pudding so bad he won't have any place in that mansion! In fact, he's in my mansion! To hell with him I say!
So I walked around my mansion, realizing that Long and Pudding were not the only ones that lived in the mansion. There were many others, such as Pink Lady a.k.a Scary Gray Child, Bubble Gum, Butterball Baboon, Eyeliner Foxy, Scary Chicken Wannabe, Alexander Graham Bell who could only beep, Tweedlehat and Tweedlecap, Hitler Kitty who plotted to rule the world, Shocker and Zap, Blue Pansy and Fire-Addict Rex, the racing veteran Russell Crow, Dr. Quakensteiner, Spiked Binky, the mysterious plumber 'M', Eskimo Lad and Frosty the Snowgirl, Swirl-Head, Green Nightmare, Uni-brow Man, and last but not least crazy/murderous.
I realized to wage my war on Vanilla Pudding, I needed an army. I tried asking but they called something called the 'Police' on me. I didn't particularly like him, Police had a nasty habit of trying to put metal rings around my wrists, which caused me to throw him out an open window. After a lot of experimenting, I found my roommates would listen to whatever I ordered if I hit their head as hard as I could with a baseball bat. I assembled them into an empty room, which had 'Ness, Artist and Potter in Training. Do not Enter or Get Hit By Baseball Bat' written on the door. Too bad Loch-Ness was gone; she would have made a good servant. I'd like to see Vanilla Pudding's face covered in paint when I'd finished murdering him, but whatever. I cleared Loch-Ness's room of all debris and set up a little conference room, with a podium and mike.
"Okay people, the issue on the table is the war on vanilla pudding. Any suggestions on how to make his stay in the mansion as uncomfortable as possible?" I asked. Tweedlehat instantly raised his hand.
"Well, I was thinking of taking all signs of Pudding…and burning it! That'll show that gross pasty-face jerk!" Tweedlehat said. The little version of Tweedlehat, Tweedlecap, agreed.
"Yeah! I remember I had a really nasty run-in with Pudding…he messed my shirt when I was eating his secret recipe custard, he said! That was SO Vanilla Pudding!" Tweedlecap grunted angrily. I banged my fist on the podium.
"Excellent suggestion! He'll fry at the touch of your Charge Shot! Anything else? Butterball Baboon, what about you?" I asked.
"Pointy things! Why don't we weaken him, watch him in pain before we destroy him!" he yipped, throwing a halberd at the charred remains of the poster of Vanilla Pudding.
"Even better! Pre-emptive strikes are the heart and soul of war! Crazy/dangerous, do you have a suggestion?" I asked, when she raised her laser gun. She charged it, and then blew up a graffiti picture of Vanilla Pudding, even the thumbtacks holding it to the wall.
"Excellent! Eskimo Lad and Frosty the Snowgirl, what are your suggestions?" I asked.
"Peel the little protective films off! It always stops our goal of destroying Pudding!" Frosty the Snowgirl screamed. Her brother calmed her back into her seat.
"All the more reason to get Pudding! Burn him! Take his little plastic 'custard' containers and smash them! Take the pudding spoons and bend them! Use knifes and impale the seals! ERADICATE HIM!" I roared. My followers cheered.
"KILL PUDDING! KILL PUDDING! KILL PUDDING!" they all cried.
"That's the spirit! Now go my children! Destroy the evil lurking in our home!" They dutifully grabbed weapons and generally prepared for battle.
"DOWN WITH PUDDING! DOWN WITH PUDDING! DOWN WITH PUDDING!" they chanted as they went into the kitchen and shuffled through the cupboards and refrigerators, until they found a huge pyramid of pudding cups. All of it white, chilled, sickeningly sweet.
"It's disgusting!" Tweedlecap choked, and vomited. Blue Pansy paled.
"Hold me, Fire-Addict Rex…" he said, growing faint.
"Come on everyone! Be strong! It's ugly, I know, just start stabbing!" I said, taking a spear and ripping open 'custard' cups. Everyone followed suit. They decapitated pudding spoons. They dismembered containers. They were vicious warriors. Of particular note was when poor Scary Chicken Wannabe ran out of un-bloodied weapons and used his beak to destroy a particularly large custard cup.
Just then, Long came into the kitchen, and paled. I ripped open the last custard cup and disemboweled it, sending white, sticky goop flying across the room and landing on Long's face.
"Isn't it wonderful, Long? I've destroyed every trace of Vanilla Pudding! Now to get him for REAL!" I said, grabbing a puddinged sword and running upstairs to kill Vanilla Pudding.
"What…what have you done to my pudding! You've destroyed every last cup!" Long gasped, and then started bawling.
"There you go again, calling it 'YOUR Pudding!'! That nasty pasty-faced square isn't right for you! I AM!" I roared. It was as if those words echoed through the suddenly silent mansion. Everybody shook their heads like they'd just gotten out of a daze, and the color drained out of Long's face, pink dress and all.
"Your face looks like that villain Pudding! Let me clean the pale out right away!" I said, taking off my baseball cap. Long didn't move, but just took out an umbrella and hit me over the head so hard I fell unconscious. My last thought was…
Why Long? WHY!
A Long Time After….
Ness woke up with the mother of all migraines.
"Oh…my head…what was I doing for the past ten hours?" he wondered. The Smashers were gathered around him.
"You tried to rule the world, that's what! Man…everyone knows I already rule the world. This is bad marketing!" Mario snapped. Ah…Mario. So straightforward.
"WHAT? That can't be true!" Ness cried.
"Of course. When someone else tries to push me off my pedestal, I make the guy in the big chair at Nintendo take forever with that someone's game," Mario said.
"So that's why they're taking so long on Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess!" Link cried. Tell me about it. It could take EONS until that most excellent good-graphics-all-the-time game comes out in English! Or possibly until April 2006.
"I don't mean that! I meant about the attempt to rule the world!" Ness said.
"Oh, that. Well, Peach knows more about that than I do. But I do remember you hit us all over the head with your baseball bat and turned us into your zombie slaves with odd names," Mario said, looking bored when he wasn't talking about himself. Ness looked at Peach.
"I don't remember anything!" Ness panicked. Good thing pretty much all the Smashers remembered. Except for 'Blue Pansy', who fainted half-way.
"You hit your head when Mario used your head for a weapon," Peach said, glaring at Mario, who looked pretty guilty. Peach muttered that he was the most selfish, insensitive blah-blah on Earth and then continued with the story.
"Then when you woke up you fell in love with me, grew extremely jealous of pudding for some reason, gathered/extorted all the Smashers so they'd listen to your every insane word, SPILLED ALL MY PUDDING, and then collapsed…for reasons no one knows about…" Peach finished quickly, looking around nervously.
"BEEP!" Mr. Game and Watch took out Peach's bent umbrella, that had a distinct imprint of Ness' head.
"YOU knocked me out! But…you're Peach!" Ness cried.
'She has an awful temper," Mario pointed out. Peach glared at Mario. Ness sat down, thinking for a while.
"Mario, this is all your fault! If you didn't use my head as a weapon, I wouldn't have gotten amnesia and fallen for Peach! And Peach, you should have just been quiet about pudding; because amnesiacs are unstable people and might do God-knows-what! And darn me and my colorful imagination! I thought up excellent names for all of you!" Ness cried. The Smashers all had identical glares on their faces, especially Link.
"What? Tweedlehat was one of my best! Now if you excuse me, Swirl-Head, I'd like my art supplies back. I have to make a poster of all the names! That way those names will be immortalized…FOREVER!" Ness cheered. The Smashers looked at one another, drew weapons, and began chasing Ness.
"IF YOU CALL ME 'LONG' EVER AGAIN I'LL HIT YOU SIX WAYS FROM SUNDAY!" Peach yelled the loudest.
"Temper, temper!" Mario teased. Peach whacked him over the head, and there was one less person chasing Ness.
As for Ness, he quickly became an excellent flee-er. Yes, he wanted to stay un-insane that bad…especially if you don't want to wage another pointless, but effective war.
He never waged another war again…at least until he got an uncontrollable urge to destroy the Easter Bunny for eating the rabbit ears off his chocolate…
Author's Notes: This is a particular favorite. It has timeless individuality. Come on! A sloppily-written chapter about Ness waging a war on pudding! Who couldn't love that? Anyways, I want you people to guess who's nickname belongs to who. I already did one for you. Tweedlehat is Link! Who ever gets all of them right appears in my next chapter! Isn't that great? Send in your contest answers, comments, and questions via review! This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out!