Caliban's Chattering: Hey, it's better than just 'Author's Notes' at least.
Man, sorry for the wait. Yeah, I'm a bum. And yeah, there are just so many great ideas you reviewers have been sending in!
But seriously, this one is definitely something you guys think about. I know I do, it makes me mad. Constantly!
Disclaimer: No suing, please! You can't sue the pants off me for making fun of both Super Smash Brothers and the 'Make Your Milk Moo and Win' contest, both of which I don't own.
MY MILK JUST MOOOOED! Sincerely, Young LinkToday was one of the days you seldom hear about, because most witnesses turn into gibbering idiots. Today was the best, worst, and most revolutionary day of my life. It changed me in ways that a ten year old should never have to experience. I know what you're thinking, that I'm crazy, but I'm serious.
It all began when…
Insert Flashback Here.
It's general knowledge that I have a milk addiction. I drink a good twenty bottles a day. I even drink it when I sleep.
So anyways, like every morning, I got up, straightened my cow pajamas, and with my slippers I picked up a jar of milk, and began chugging it on my way to the bathroom.
I brushed my teeth as I could to get back to my precious milk.
Ah…Milk. Warm, sweet, nourishing milk. I love it so. I can't go five SECONDS without a bottle.
Did you know I fund the all the milk commercials you see? The 'Drink Milk for Life' commercial, the Milk Rap, Cool Whip commercials, even Simpson's Professor Frink's ice-cream cow. Everything, even the lactose-free milk you see going about these days.
Where do I get all the money? Contests, of course. All kinds. Singing, dancing, running, the Olympics…I've been in them all and whipped people nicely, too.
Speaking of contests, today happens to be my endearing-classic song-parody contest. Yep. I thought up a song even better than the milk rap.
But it's a secret. I won't say a thing until the contest, because who knows? One of you people could be one of my opponents, and I can't afford to let you know.
I picked up my milk bottle and walked into my walk-in closet.
Since today, I was in such a milk mood, I felt like wearing my white tunic. As for whether 'milk' can be an adjective…
Let's just skip to the breakfast table.
So, just like every other morning, I arrive at the breakfast table, get dragged into a huge fight over the milk, and somehow end up with the jug of milk and missing a shoe.
It was worth it though. Okay, that evil look Falco is giving me is DEFINITELY not worth it. Ah well. I've got milk in the fridge.
I opened the fridge. All the milk bottles were empty! I turned the milk bottle case upside down, and nary a drop!
On the bottom, there was a message, in ridiculously large lined paper, with so many spelling errors I had to reread twice.
Deer Yang Lank,
Needed sum melk in me sac lunch. Goon too spelling stool. Surry bout thus.
Mr. Gamy and Waco
P.S: Bye mire big piper. It's ell gun.
"What the heck!" I crumpled it up angrily, which was harder than you'd think.
What was I going to do now? The contest was in…I glanced at the clock. An hour from now, and I had no milk! This was bad, people. This was very, very bad.
Not only did I desperately need milk at the moment, I had to replenish my supply.
But that could wait. I needed the milk back from-I watched him dump the whole jug into his bowl of cereal. Never mind.
I had to resort to my secret stash!
I ran out of the kitchen to my room. Caliban: Enter the cool spy music…
I went into the walk-in closet, pushed away a tunic, which concealed a retina scanner. I placed my eye on the scanner, pushed in a password into the key pad, placed my hand on the finger print scanner, and the vault opened.
There it sat. A crate of bottled milk, beautiful, unopened, still in their original barcodes. Did I mention they were Chateau Romani? Yep. Pretty sweet.
But on the podium, carefully caressed by plush royal purple velvety silk, lay a single bottle of milk.
This milk was not an ordinary milk. It was like Chateau Romani, you know, the milk that makes your life meter completely full and OD's your magic meter? It's like that, only it adds a bazillion heart containers and makes your magic meter go off the screen! Okay, exaggeration maybe, but it felt like that when I was drinking it.
Notice that it's half empty? I know.
It happens to be a very special bottle of milk Malon made for me when I was leaving Ocarina of Time for good and moving on to Majora's Mask.
It was the best thing I ever tasted, and even thinking of touching that bottle right now seems like a sin.
A sip won't hurt…a drop of this milk will keep me going all day while I try and find some acceptable refill milk.
I tipped the smooth, cool glass carefully into my mouth.
This must be the feeling Homer Simpson got after eating the Ribwich.
My pupils dilated. A ruddy blush spread across my face. I began getting spasms. A strange, euphoric feeling overcame me.
No, I was not having a seizure. Pretty close to a seizure though, because here comes the unnatural behavior.
"MILK! MILK! MILK!" I began yelling, and hopping up and down. I heard a bang from below.
"Keep quiet up there! I'm trying to install the new bathrooms from chapter five!" Mario snapped.
"Sorry Mario. MILK!" I bellowed one last time. This time Mario banged on his ceiling so hard I fell through. And landed on top of him.
"Heh…you won't tell anyone about the secret milk vault, will you? Or the gaping hole in the ceiling?" I asked nervously.
"So long as you have your seizure outside. Go. NOW, before I give you a Swirly with my newly installed toilet!"
And thus, I was outside.
"MILK! MILK! MILK!"
"Keep it quiet up there! I'm trying to make someone's life miserable down here!" Crazy Hand snapped.
"Sorry."
But the fact of the matter was, no matter how awesome super milk was, I still had no breakfast, and my milk supply still was missing in action.
So when you don't have a to-do list, you wander around aimlessly looking for a chance at improving your situation.
So I came upon Ganondorf, and also, a smell ten times worse than the one in Kirby's bathroom. Yes, I've been there before when he had it fumigated.
"Ugh…now that smell just isn't right…" I said.
"It's fertilizer. It's very good for the petunias and the geraniums. Now, help me water…" Ganondorf replied, reaching for a watering can.
"Okay, this is too weird! I'm out of here! Oh, wait! I need milk!" I said. Yes, I was too milk-less at this point to beat a hasty retreat. I flopped on the ground like a fish that grew legs and tried to walk for the first time.
"If you need milk, try the outside world. I hear the Smash Village is nice!" he said. Oh, the awkwardness!
"Yeah, thanks, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm so out of energy I can't even beat a hasty retreat! How am I suppose to dodge an anti-escape orb, a team of Dobermans, AND a visit from the ho-ho-merry SSBECF like I am now?" I snapped.
"Try the front door. I don't understand why people always try to leave through the fence," Ganondorf said, and went back to his Venus fly-traps. Well, at least there was something cool in that garden…
D'OH! The front door! He had a point there…
I suppose some Smashers may be smart, but none too bright if you know what I mean.
You know, the outside world is pretty nice. For one thing, you feel less like a video game character. It may seem simple at glance, but when you think about it, it's really hard. You know how supposedly we die and have multiple lives? Not so. In reality we make an impossible save and appear at the reviving pad in split seconds. Ha! So now it's getting a little more difficult huh?
I walked past a TV store, which had HyperMew on as usual.
"This is HyperMew the hyper kitty here with the midday news! Yes, this is during commercials of the sumo match. Anyways, local milk devotee Young Link has a big contest coming up at Smash Plaza in half an hour! He'd better hurry up and chug his twenty bottles of milk, because the competition this year will be fierce! In other news, Mr. Game and Watch has entered spelling school. All these stories and more continued at the next break."
HyperMew was right. I rushed into a convenience store and cleared the Milk to Go section, gulping down bottles as I rushed to the Smash Plaza which was RIGHT there.
Lucky for me, I was down to just one bottle by the time I made it.
"And now Young Link must come onto the stage and sing his song, a product of our shameless self-promotion gimmicks-uh…I mean cool promotional event by Seeltest, Parmalast, Neelson, Beatrix, Naturelle, and Dairy-Dairy Smash-Moo Tokyo Milk Concern," said the announcer. Caliban: No, those are not really bad parodies of the copyrighted Sealtest, Parmalat, Neilson, Beatrice, Naturel milk companies, and the made up Tokyo Milk Concern. Oh, here comes the song!
"Milk just sells! Naturelle as well! Beatrix all the way! Parmalast, not so bad, Neelson and Seeltest I say! Smash Tokyo Milk Concern, you make my day!" I jingled.
"Hmm…not bad! I especially liked that one extra sentence at the end to wrap it all off. It was copying the much beloved Jingle Bells! You're officially the new mascot of the B6, the new huge multi-milk company conglomerate! You'll be everywhere! On billboards! On posters! You've officially replaced the 'Make your Milk Moo' contest!" the dominant judge said. I stepped off the stage after the expected clapping from the audience.
The judge walked up to me, and said "Have some free milk, it's your prize! Oh, and sign this contract."
Without a thought, I quickly scrawled on the signature and jumped into the bottles of milk.
They all had flashy, trendy labels with 'B6' written on them. I opened one, chugged it down, and gagged.
This new milk tasted terrible! It tasted like a cow with Mad Cow disease or Bovine injections spewed out this awful milk. It didn't work. I rushed outside to vomit when…
My face was everywhere. I don't know where they got so many pictures of me holding a milk bottle, but… Caliban: You think maybe the seven thousand matches you posed in might be the source? NAW!
My face was on billboards, the B6 advertisements were pasted over the 'Make your Milk Moo' ones. In fact, in less than five minutes I was even more a celebrity than just starring in several popular video games.
I couldn't believe it. But then that awful B6 milk came up sour and I threw up.
I saw my favorite milk stand suddenly carting away their old goods and replacing it with B6.
"No, wait! What are you doing? Where's the Milk-2-Go?" I asked.
"Oh, that's been discontinued. The B6 company is paying a mint to replace all my goods with their products. Try the new B6 cereal bars! They so don't taste like tile grout!" the manager said, chewing on a bar and then gagging. They probably did taste like tile grout.
I slapped the cart out of his hands and grabbed a conveniently placed megaphone.
"HEAR ME, PEOPLE OF SMASH VILLAGE! YOUR LIVES ARE BEING TAKEN OVER AS WE SPEAK BY THIS AWFUL B6 MILK! IT TASTES LIKE TILE GROUT AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT POISON IN YOUR SYSTEMS! STOP B6 WHILE YOU STILL CAN! IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE FOR DECENT MILK IN THE WORLD! DON'T BUY THAT BRAINWASHING, TASTELESS GENERIC MILK!" I yelled. People paid no mind because B6 was paying even the civilians not to listen to me.
"I can't believe this! Come on! Miltank Pokemon, you've got to stop this! You know that stuff is beyond raunchy!" I snapped at the few Miltanks walking around unsupervised.
"We know. That's why we're just going to take B6's money and leave town. I hear Pallet Town is a nice place," said one Miltank. They quickly scurried off.
If even cows wouldn't help, it seemed like I was on my own here.
I went back to the B6 judge, ignoring the TV store outside that was blaring my jingle. After hearing it on TV, I realized this was getting out of hand.
"Listen Mr. Judge, we can't let this go on! Stop B6 or I'm ripping my contract," I said.
"The contract is laminated. Besides, we can't stop now! It's been ten minutes without some hippie running up to us telling us about animal cruelty! That's a new record! B6 is a godsend! The only way we'll have to stop B6 is if we cut the contest going on, and the only contest milk companies have made so far is the 'Make your Milk Moo', and we both know that's a dud," he said.
The stress was getting to me. Here I was, the newest mascot of the grossest milk in creation and no way to end it all. Next thing you know B6 will have invaded the Smash Mansion. They would all turn into mindless B6 drones.
I grabbed my last bottle of Milk to Go, previously forgotten, still brand new, and opened it, the fresh-lock snapping.
One deafening sound echoed through the suddenly silent world.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Penguins flew. The B6 judge turned his head. The B6 bottles cracked. The erupting volcano in Hawaii finally stopped erupting.
"OH MY GOD MY MILK JUST MOOOED!" I screamed.
"Yeah, I know! This changes everything!" the judge said excitedly "Whoa, kid, are you all right? Hey! The kid just fainted!"
I woke up in a hospital bed ten minutes later, the judge had called the ambulance.
"Kid, your milk shouldn't have mooed. It's actually impossible," the judge said.
"What?" I asked, still drowsy.
"I'll let you on a little secret, kid. That contest is completely rigged. We couldn't fit the little sound-makers into the bottle without contaminating the milk, but by the time we figured that out, all the flyers had already gone out and we'd already distributed a decade's worth of commercial shares. So your milk mooing was really impossible. Maybe that was the only milk bottle in the world to have a working sound-maker, which of course, contaminated that bottle of milk. Had you drunk that bottle of milk, you wouldn't have been able to leave the bathroom for at least an hour. So there's dodging a bullet. As for B6, well, we decided to break up after a customer tried to sue for the milk being contaminated with tile grout…that's a whole other story though. Well, I'd best leave you here to rest," said the judge, and left before anything drastic happened.
End FlashbackSo that's how it happened. I suppose it really was a useless anecdote, but it did properly describe my life. This sort of drama happens everyday for me, because hey. I'm Link, big or small.
I managed to eat something at the hospital, finally, I was starving! The Smash mansion restocked the milk supply, Mr. Game and Watch returned from spelling school, the list goes on. As for B6, that milk was gone with the wind. However, the commercials and billboards are still around, but I don't mind. Having your face everywhere is pretty cool sometimes.
But I'm NEVER getting sponsored again! At least, until that shampoo company liked my hair…
Author's Notes: Love it? Hate it? Want me to die because your milk actually mooed before? Come on! No one's milk has ever mooed before. Besides, this is a fanfiction. Yes, there are plot holes and errors, SUE ME!
Reviews:
Urby: I know! EEEE! I was sure there were some mistakes in there. It's just, I was in a rush to get this in, as usual, because at the time I was supposed to wash dishes! A responsible person would do the dishes first and THEN upload the darn chapter but…
You know I was just kidding there right? Whenever you see this sort of thing, there's always some crazy explanation. I do NOT write shounen-ai or yaoi or any of that. I will never write that in my stories, READING is a whole other matter…
Tesla: Me, Alannah, and Caliban herself are against homophobia! Although, I read and write some serious smut there…
Alannah: And I've drawn some pretty bad pictures…
Ugh… I'll get back to you there.
Hmm…maybe I should write a Sheik chapter since it's all Zelda this and that. I love Sheik, so I'm surprised at myself.
Snow Kisses: PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE KIDDING! OMG, isn't Gnome that annoying overgrown hamster with the ribbon? And isn't Celsius that super-icy spirit-thingy? AH! But who cares? It's different, it worked, enough said.
Urby away…man, that cracks me up! In fact, you crack me up sometimes. And despite the fact I write humor, it's pretty hard to make me laugh for real.
Blazing Fool: WOW! We're really alike, aren't we? I'm going through the same phase, me likey Yuna, etcetera. Auron, the only thing I like about him is his theme! He's my strongest character, his HP is around six thousand. But I don't like him, period.
I'm not changing my name. Nope. I like Caliban!
Demon of the Black Fire: It was hard to make a Zelda chapter, and as a result, it ended up long and pointless. I'm good at that. Personally, I'm not a big of her either, but whatever.
Totallystrange: WHAT THE HECK! If people ask you to change your name, you tell them to screw off. I bet their first names were beyond retarded. I've seen names like chickpea, for heaven's sake!
Oh my god. Gating is my freaking worst nightmare. I'm one of the smart-but-slacker students who don't do their homework but participates in class a lot, so if there was gating at my school I'd have a desk reserved. I have enough trouble looking at those gross pieces of gum underneath desks, but SCRAPING THEM OFF IN A HUMONGOUS SCHOOL? Never ever.
BTW, I sound like a hypocrite. Here I am contemplating changing my name and then people are trying to push you around…seriously, I'd give them the finger or something equally rude…
HyperMew: Actually, you're in every chapter! Isn't that great? I know, I love having you as reporter…
Bye now!
Smiley-Anonymous: Because your original face will not turn out in the actual story, this is your new name.
Who is Commander Keen again? I haven't played Earthbound so I'm lost…
Yoshizilla: THANKS! And yes, he will come back. But since his name is taken, your real character needs a different one…methinks. How about Pepper Ankylosaurus? Like, Peppy is already taken by the weirdo scientist, and I want your actual character to have a shot in the story so…
Doubledude: YAY! He likes it! The thing is, I can always count on your review!
Xiao Dark-cloud: Missing in action for a little while, I see. It's good to have you back!
Ew…maybe in the black market you can sell it, but its Yunsung's, remember? Heh. Just kidding.
AshRB: Yes, she gets a chapter. Everyone will. Ain't that so great?
Note: That last sentence is not a sample of my English. It's a lot better, I swear!
Royal Fanatic: Uh…I updated, it makes you happy, which makes me happy, which makes you happy, which makes Bowser happy, which makes Blazing Fool happy!
Blazing Fool: YEAH! Wait, what?
Uh…I'll get back to you.
Elfbrat: Shucks, thanks! I was planning to make it a 'Zelda on a rampage' but somehow, it worked out like it did.
Heh, they WOULD have been in that chapter but I'm giving them a break for they'll be in the next chapter!
Link was kidding about the toe! He made it up. The toes was actually just an expertly painted rubber tube filled with paper that Yunsung made. I thought of the scary story looking at the ingrown toenail I got. Boy, did it hurt!
Now that I've grossed you out, I hope you'll review.
This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out!