Caliban's Chattering:
Yeah, you've noticed I've been REALLY an idiot lately, not updating or anything else. I mean, COME ON! Young Link protesting against milk?
Tesla: Hmm…you know, I liked the little jingle.
I'm not going to answer that. So anyways, I've always wanted to make fun of fairy tales…
Disclaimer:
Shigeru: See, Satoshi Tajiri, the world famous creator of Pokemon, that's the girl that always tries to get into my office.
Satoshi: Wow, Shigeru Miyamoto, the world famous creator of Nintendo, you've got some dedicated fans.
Shigeru: So anyways, let's start talking about the newest Pokemon game.
Caliban: Hi! Oh. My. God. It's Satoshi Tajiri! Hey, I've got a question…
Satoshi: No, you don't own Pokemon. Or Super Smash Brothers Melee.
Aw MAN!
Run, Run As Fast As You Can, You Can't Catch Me, I'm Evil Author Sam! Yes, this is a Marth Chapter…
"Has anyone seen Marth lately?" Roy asked.
"Not I," said the green elf.
"Not I," said the brown ape.
"Not I," said the fast fox.
"Well, do you have any idea where he might be?" Roy asked.
"Not I," said the-
"Okay, okay! I get it, you don't have to copy 'The Little Red Hen' or anything like that! I just wanted to borrow his super cream!" Roy snapped.
"Why?" Link asked.
"I set myself on fire again," Roy said.
"Don't you think water will work better?" Fox asked.
"Hmm…let's see here. NO!" he snapped.
"What about the hose Bowser uses to water his Piranha Plants?" DK asked.
"That's even worse!"
Peach walked into the room carrying a basket and wearing a red hood.
"Has anyone seen Toadsworth? I have to deliver this basket of mushrooms as a get-well gift," she said.
"No. You should try walking through the Smash Forest, down a long dirt path, avoiding death at every turn as the Big Bad Bowser plots against you," Link said "That's how everyone else found Toadsworth."
"Toadsworth? Who's Toadsworth? Shouldn't the author be here with her annoying chattering?" Roy asked.
Menacing laughter was heard.
"MUHAHAHAHAHAAA!" More menacing laughter. "MU-"
"We get it! You're evil! Stop the stupid laughter and introduce yourself!" Roy yelled, shaking a fist.
Stomping was heard above them as a chandelier fell down. A teenaged boy, perhaps not older than fourteen, stumbled, got up onto his feet, and dusted himself off, coughing slightly.
"MUHAHAHAHA!" Roy punched him in the face.
"I told you to stop the stupid laughter!"
"What? Jeez, that hurt!" the boy groaned. "I'd love to laugh again, but I'm afraid he'll do something worse. I'm Evil Author Sam, evil author on the Fanfiction website! I've taken over countless accounts, and this time, I've taken over Caliban the Wizard!" he said, opening a closet on the far wall revealing the old author, tied up with duck tape over her mouth. She somehow managed to loosen the tape.
"Guys, get me out of here! This guy is stupid! He makes parodies of fairy tales! My stories are way more random than this! DON'T JUST STAND THERE, YOU GIBBERING IDIOTS, DO SOMETHING!" she screeched.
"Hmm…she's got a point. But what are we supposed to do? The majority of us are way too stupid to handle something this important, and the minority who are smart enough end up ridiculed and too disgruntled to help," Fox said "Or they get into fights." He pointed to Donkey Kong who was underneath an extremely heavy dog pile.
"Then get Marth!" she yelled.
"Okay, that's enough out of you! Little Red Riding Fruit, nail the door shut!" he commanded Peach.
"Wait, don't! If you don't nail the door shut, I'll make you a chapter! Please…?"
The door was promptly nailed shut, and desperate banging was heard.
In Marth's Room…I was busy enjoying a day off, watching soap operas with the air conditioner on, like I always do, when Roy came bursting through the door.
"Marth, Marth-" he began, barely able to breathe, but a lasso came out of nowhere and dragged him back into the hallway, kicking and screaming.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAA! NO ONE IS HERE TO SAVE YOU NOW!" a maniacal male voice laughed.
"Shut the darn door! You're letting all the cold run out!" I growled, slamming the door and locking it.
Back in the Crisis Situation…Yes, this is Sam…"MUHAHAHAHA!"
"I'm getting really tired of that!" Roy snapped.
"You'll never get away with this!" Link growled.
"I have a very good lawyer!" Caliban screeched from behind the door.
"There should be a law against this!" Donkey Kong choked from underneath the dog pile. Young Link smacked him.
"Keep quiet!"
"HA-HA! I rule the Smash Mansion! Where are you and your painful punches now, loser?" Evil Author Sam asked Roy.
"I'd say kicks are better!" he snapped, kicking Sam right in the unmentionables.
"OWWWW! That was cheap! And extremely painful! No kicking below the belt! Frog Prince, go tie up Roy's legs!" Using his mysterious evil author powers, he turned Young Link into a Frog Prince with opposable thumbs.
Young Link croaked miserably and tied up Roy's legs.
"You know what? Gag him too, Frog Prince, before he bites me," Evil Author Sam said.
Roy looked downcast as though he was indeed planning to bite the evil author, as Young Link the Frog Prince tied a black bandanna around his mouth. Roy tried to slap him away, and struggled, but then the Frog Prince smacked him with his tongue.
"Ew…" Roy was successfully gagged after that.
"HA! Now…who to morph next? Oh, I know!" Evil Author Sam said, giving Link a menacingly gleeful look.
Link swallowed thickly.
Meanwhile, Caliban the Wizard was busy trying to escape.
"Okay, he tied me up. But so what? I'll just call over the SSBECF with my cell phone…" Caliban tipped an emergency cell phone out from underneath her head scarf, and began, slowly but surely, dialing a number with her nose.
Back with Marth…I was busy enjoying my soap opera…
"Naoko, we can never be together!"
"But Leonardo, I love you! Kiss me…"
I suddenly heard a loud "OWWWW!" from downstairs.
"Oh, come ON you bunch of monkeys! Can't you stay quiet for even two seconds?"
At the sound of my voice, I heard muffled shouting.
"Marth, Marth, you have to get down here and save us!" Link yelled. "We were tied up by-NOOOOOOOOO!" I didn't hear anymore from him after that.
Back in the Crisis Situation…"That's enough out of you!" Evil Author Sam snapped. He used his awful author powers to turn Link into…
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your golden hair!" Evil Author Sam quoted from the famous children's fairy tale, snickering evilly.
Link was turned into Rapunzel, who was wearing possibly the most girlish, frilliest powder pink dress in the world, even more frillier than Peach or Zelda's, who's hair was so long he kept tripping over it.
At this most unfortunate moment in Link's life, Zelda walked in holding a tray of salty snacks.
"I'm all set for the sumo game. Wait a second, what's going on in here?" she asked.
"What's going on? What's going on?" Evil Author Sam asked, each time with a more incredulous tone of voice than before. "I'll tell you what's going on! You're about to end up locked into a gingerbread house, that's what!"
He was about to use his evil author powers to lock Zelda into a frightful cage when…
"SSBECF here to save the day!" Blazing Fool said, in a heroic voice.
"And his partners, Elfbrat, Xiao Dark-Cloud, and Totallystrange! Oh, and Demon of the Black Fire, our manager," said Elfbrat in a cheerful voice, twirling her grappling hook around possibly even more threateningly than Evil Author Sam was this whole chapter.
"We're here to save boss! Now, where is she?" Demon of the Black Fire asked, cracking her whip.
"I'll tell you! Rapunzel, attack!" Evil Author Sam yelled.
Rapunzel stood forward, smoothing out her dress.
"This powder puff's suppose to scare us? I've never felt more insulted in my life," Totallystrange complained indignantly.
"Hey, look. It's Rapunzel. Let's give her a hair cut, shall we?" Elfbrat asked, smirking.
"You read my mind!" Xiao agreed. They lunged forward with their super-cool weapons and were subsequently thrown back by Rapunzel's hair.
"What just happened?" Xiao asked.
"I think her hair is some kind of shield thingy…" Elfbrat replied, shaking the dizziness out of her head.
"Who cares? I'll pump her full of lead!" Totallystrange clipped, loading his machine gun and firing. And firing. And firing some more.
"Totallystrange, NOOOOOOO!" Demon of the Black Fire said.
"It's a little late for that!" Blazing Fool said. The bullets came right back, only faster. Blazing Fool set his flamethrower to 'Nuclear Meltdown' and melted the bullets before they could hit.
"O-K. Bullets don't work. We have a problem here people…" Totallystrange said slowly.
"You think!" Demon of the Black Fire asked.
Meanwhile, Xiao got bored of fighting and went to free Caliban.
She broke open the door, and saw Caliban sitting there, looking defeated.
While cutting the ropes, Xiao said "Boss, you are one big idiot, letting yourself get captured…"
"I couldn't help it! He had a house made of candy, which really turned out to be a cage…" Caliban said, after she was untied.
"Speaking of gingerbread cages…" Evil Author Sam suddenly said. He faced Zelda, who looked terrified. He used his evil author powers and sent her to the gingerbread cage that was hanging by a thick chain on the roof.
"AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" she screamed, and was sent into the cage.
"MUHAHAHA! Time to turn everyone into beloved children's fairy tale characters!"
It was terrible, to say the least.
He turned the Ice Climbers into Hansel and Gretel.
"OH NO! We're fat! And Dutch!" they cried.
He turned Pikachu, Pichu, and Jigglypuff into the Three Blind Mice.
"PIKACHU! AAAAH! I'm BLIND! BLIND!"
"JIGGLYPUFF! AAAAH! I'll never be able to put makeup on again! EVER!"
"PICHU! AAAAH! Who turned off the lights?"
He turned Fox into the Big Bad Wolf.
"Great. Now I'm an asthmatic,"
He turned Donkey Kong into Shrek.
"Aye, I'd be an Irish Ogre, yes. Played by Mike Myers, yes. Edin Go Bragh,"
He turned Falco into the Little Red Hen.
"No one gets any bread because they didn't help make it. Screw you all,"
He turned Yoshi into Cinderella.
"YOSHI? I have step sisters? COOL!"
He turned Kirby into one of the Three Little Pigs.
"I don't mind, really. Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin,"
He turned Ganondorf into Blue Beard the King.
"You must never ever use the blood-stained key, Zelda dear, for that is the room where the corpses of my seven dead wives are,"
He turned Luigi into Robin Hood.
"Steal from the rich, give to the poor!" he said, stealing Mario's sandwich and eating it.
He turned Mario into the Muffin Man, and Dr. Mario into the Axe Man, both in Little Red Riding Hood and Snow White.
"I made the gingerbread man, I live on Drury Lane, she's married to me…" he said.
"I want a refund on this cumbersome and itchy costume," the doctor snapped irritably.
He turned Mr. Game and Watch into Snow White, and by that I mean now he isn't black anymore.
"BEEP! Oh, the humanity!"
He turned Captain Falcon into Prince Charming, and Samus into Sleeping Beauty.
"Since when am I charming?"
"Snore…"
He turned poor Bowser into Alice in Wonderland, for one reason or another.
"I don't like this dress. It makes my butt look big,"
Ness was turned into one of the Three Little Pigs with Kirby.
"Oink-oink,"
Mewtwo was sadly turned into Merlin.
"I'm a psychic, not a sorcerer, you addled-brained nincompoop!"
"Hmm…we're short a few roles! Of course, Zelda is in that cage. Hmm…how would you two like to be King Arthur?" Evil Author Sam asked. Blazing Fool turned around.
"But then I'd have to replace Flamer with a stupid old sword that got itself stuck in a rock…"
"Hmm, you have a point there. Wait, what am I saying! Goodbye!" Evil Author Sam snapped, changing Blazing Fool into King Arthur.
"NOOO! The movie stunk!"
"Now I need two step sisters for Cinderella…" he said, grinning as he set his sights on Elfbrat and Xiao Dark-Cloud.
"Hmm…Xiao I like, but Elfbrat doesn't have the capacity to be ruthless. Where's Urby and the others?" Evil Author Sam asked.
"They're running the office," said Elfbrat.
"Oh well. I'll make do with you," he sighed, turning the two into evil step sisters.
"And now I need one more little pig…" said Evil Author Sam turning to Totallystrange.
"No way Jose. If I'm gonna turn into a pig, I'll go down fighting!" He took out his machine gun, and was about to use it, when it was turned into Mary Poppins' umbrella.
"HAHA! This little piggy went to the market!" Evil Author Sam cackled, and Totallystrange was turned into a little piglet.
"Hmm…I need a fairy godmother…" Evil Author Sam mused. Two loud, resounding claps were heard.
"Yo! Gingerbread man, over here!"
"What do you want? I turned them all into my minions, I'll do the same to you! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he cackled.
"What makes you think I'm giving you time to use your powers? Your ass is mine!" she roared, grabbing a grappling hook and reeling him in.
He broke out of it and began running.
"Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm Evil Author Sam!" he snickered.
"I'll show you what happens to people who muscle their way into my stories!" she leaped on top of Sam and began beating him up.
All she had time for was one solid punch to the mouth before Evil Author Sam pushed her to the ground and tied her up.
"HAHA! As soon as I turn Roy into something, I'm done!" he cheered.
Roy, who had previously been watching in horror as his comrades were turned into deformed fairy tale characters, tried to wriggle away. Evil Author Sam grabbed him, about to turn him into something horrible…
Marth Is Still Alive…I was watching the news.
"Alert! Alert! HyperMew here with an alert! Close your windows! Lock your doors! Baton down the hatches! Evil Author Sam is on the loose in Smash Mansion, kidnapping Caliban the Wizard to gain access and use her fanfiction account! Marth, you'd better get down there and save the day!" she urged. I simply turned off the TV, and went to close the window when I saw Zelda dangling precariously from a cage hanging on the wall opposite to me.
"Zelda!" I asked. I couldn't believe my eyes.
"Go save everyone! AND GET ME DOWN from here!" she called.
"People have been urging me all chapter. Fine. You happy now?" I grumbled, closing the window and changing into my armor. Grabbing Falchion, I ran downstairs.
Back in the Crisis Situation…I charged downstairs just in time to see Roy about to be turned into the Beast from Beauty in the Beast.
"Oh look! It's Beauty!" Evil Author Sam cheered, letting go of the transformed Roy. "Won't you play as well? I'm nearly finished."
"Oh, you want me to play Beauty? Well, that's love- Wait, what am I saying? You're evil! I don't want any part of you! You're going down."
"If you don't want to play…" Evil Author Sam began, with an eerily calm voice "THEN LET'S DANCE! Hansel, Gretel, some waltz music, if you please?"
They went over to the living room's sound system, and turned on waltz music.
Weary of the nonsense, I charged over with Falchion in hand. Evil Author Sam didn't seem phased.
When I'd reached him, I was about to plunge the sword into his neck but then he grabbed me, placing an arm onto his hip in a waltz position.
"So glad you wanted to dance!" he said.
"What is this, you sick freak!" I tried using my sword arm but one of his minions took it away.
"If you don't agree to this little dance, I'll just turn you into Beauty! With a frilly dress! And then you can't save the day!"
I gritted my teeth. No sword, no weapons, no allies…
Okay, what do evil random authors hate the most? Non-evil, non-random things, I suppose. But what was the most non-evil, non-random thing ever?
A smile? Too ineffective.
A gift basket? Too expensive.
A kiss? Too cliché.
I know!
"Thank you!" I said.
"Thank you! That's not random at all! It's not evil either! Hmm…not bad, but you'll have to do better than that," Evil Author Sam said.
"Okay, how about a hug?" I gave him a hug so crushing, he couldn't breathe.
"Also not bad! But…not…enough!" he choked.
"Okay then! Candy! Have some candy! Here's a chocolate bar! Have some sugary fruit juice!"
"GAH! Losing…evil…power…!"
"This is my teddy bear, Mr. Cuddly! He's got a best friend named Mr. Fluffy! And he has a sister named Mrs. Muffin, who has an auntie named-"
"Okay, okay! That's…enough. My god! Thoughtful compliments, cute stuffed animals, SHARING! It's all too much to handle! Need…more…hate…I…I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!"
And so, Evil Author Sam left the building, the area, and at last, Caliban's account.
"Okay, using my majestic good-guy author powers, I return everything to the way it was suppose to be!" said Caliban. That meant Zelda was out of her cage, the Smashers were themselves again, Roy was still on fire, and no one remembered anything but me. Oh, and the broken chandelier was fixed again.
"Boss, I thought you were against self-inserts," said Blazing Fool.
"I am. But this isn't a self-insert. Our well-beings were put at stake. A self-insert is WAY more serious. Normally whole characters are wiped from existence," she replied. "Now let's get out of here before the Hands come out of their office. I'm not supposed to be here until Poker Night."
And with that, Caliban the Wizard and the members of SSBECF returned to their secret headquarters.
"Oh man…what just happened?" one Smasher asked, rubbing their heads.
"Uh…we were trampling each other to get to the sumo game? Oh, and Zelda was going to go get snacks. And Roy, you're coming with me. We need to get that the fire down," I said. I dragged Roy out of the living room, as people began going about their business as usual.
And I never had to save the day again. At least, until the Easter Bunny swore revenge against chocolate bunnies…
Author's Notes: Why didn't Marth have any first person stuff? How come I was in there, but I didn't use my cool author powers until the end? WHERE WAS URBY? I'd love to answer that, but…I have to answer reviews!
Reviews: Now with More Tesla and Alannah!
Doubledude: Yeah. You should see my addiction to sugar. Now THAT'S scary.
Demon of the Black Fire: Wow, great job you logged in! I never do that in reviews…
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Bet that made you happy.
Well, allergies weren't QUITE what I had in mind for Fox and Falco…
Urby: I WILL MAKE A SHEIK CHAPTER! I must. I absolutely must. I mean, Sheik is like the only smart one sometimes, when everyone else goes crazy. She deserves a bigger part…
Man, you're so right about President Dubya probably being an illiterate. Face it folks, he's an idiot. Slack jawed, maybe. After Iraq for it's oil, yes. Seriously, why don't they just add Iraq to the American map and be done with it? And Mr. Game and Watch is now 100 percent smarter after being in spelling school.
Tesla: YES! SOMEONE ELSE IS BI!
Shut up, Tesla, just because someone likes shoujo-ai and is not a boy does NOT make them bi. It makes them les.
Urby: Oh GIVE ME A BREAK HERE! I was just kidding about that! You DO know what kidding means, right?
Alannah: It's a well known fact Caliban can't take a joke. She punches or tells people off if they tell a joke. And she actually thought you were serious about Gnome and Celsius, that's why she's staying after class to write lines.
It's probably a Sheena and Zelos, anyways.
Well, see you!
Xiao Dark-Cloud: School's making me busy as well. It's making me so busy that I could have homework assigned to do at three in the morning because my day is so full of work. No, I'm not an insomniac!
HAHA! Another milk lover, like Urby! I fund the got milk commercials, not Young Link!
AshRB: Milk will not moo, I guarantee it. There's not a drop of milk in this world that can moo. That contest is a hoax, a HOAX I say!
Totallystrange: I hope this chapter was random enough for you. But…maybe it has a plot line. Like, he took over my account. Oh, and Peach, she needs to go see Toadsworth! That wasn't just for the chapter you know? I'm planning to make it next chapter. Or the one after that, who knows?
Hmm…quest. That's a good one…
OH MAN! I'd love to see that. Talking in Japanese so much other people are pissed off! Hoo. Hmm…as a writer who entertains you, Totallystrange, I was wondering…
How do you read fanfiction! I'm serious! Yes, it's a dreaded question but it's been killing me…You always manage to review too! Maybe you're some kind of super-cool superhero that can SENSE the letters! Man, that would be cool…
RoyalFanatic: Man, that made me laugh. Marth, that's right, you'd better be scared.
Elfbrat: OH GROSS! Chewing tile grout soak in milk, that is NASTY! Man, that was just…You sucked the life right out of me with that one.
Simpson's Hit and Run…I've played that like once, and it was pretty retarded, no offence. Wait, was it that racing game where you take people places and run Gil over? Ah…I love running Gil over…
Blazing Fool: CRAP! You ratted on me. Now I'm going to have Auron fan-girls running me over…
AAEEEIII! Don't hurt me Tidus. I've only looked at a few pictures of Yuna…what? They were from FFX-2!
No, there is not an anti-Blazing Fool fan club. If there was, you'd be simply a tombstone and a mound of earth. That's right. The fan club would kill you, not hurt you. Just be glad you've still got Flamer, your beloved flamethrower.
ACK! B6 IS REAL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CORN POPS! FROOT LOOPS! HONEY NUT CHEERIOS!
Mewlon: A peony is a girly pink flower found in the Far East more than anywhere else.
NOT LIKE YUNSUNG? HOW COULD YOU NOT! Raphael I understand but YUNSUNG? Hmm…now that I think about his stupid 'FOR THE COUNTRY!' drivel, I can see why…Ah well. At least he's a looker.
Yeah, I guess I caused a little Ocarina of Time-Majora's Mask confusion. Don't get me wrong, I've played them both, and beaten them like a million times but…
Thanks, I will keep up the good work!
Yoshizilla: Man, that is FUNNY! I like that…Pekerdine. Screw the Peppy A, Peppy K stuff, that's WAY funnier! You've got chops…
AGH! Banjo-Tooie! I haven't even finished Banjo-Kazooie, I'm so embarrassed about that! Like, I've played them but I never got around to beating them. So, who the heck is Mister Patch?
Well, whatever. This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out.