Caliban's Chattering:
Yeah, talk about taking a million years here! I was busy, writing up some other super-long, uninspired chapter when I should have been writing this most excellent Luigi chapter. Yes, it's that good that it's excellent. So good the ESRB rated it 'H' for Humor. So good it'll make the poor sick Elfbrat feel better, to whom the chapter is dedicated to. Yes, that good.
Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Brother Melee until I devise another stupid plan to infiltrate the Nintendo building!
I Regurgitated a Luigi!
Yes, it's me, Luigi, the lean mean fighting machine, and I suppose it's my turn to make an unholy chapter in this weird fic.
So, with the flu flying around and the colds, I managed to come down with the stomach flu, eating nothing but those nasty Wheat Thins and ginger ale, you know how it is. So it's not surprising I was absolutely STARVING at breakfast the next day.
Caliban: Anyone who's ever been sick before knows how you can't eat much anything but dry foods and ginger ale…last time I was sick, my only friend was a box of Wheat Thins and a 2L bottle of Pepsi…sigh…I was so hungry afterwards…
"Hmm…it's a nice morning," said Dr. Mario to Fox.
"Yes, it is. More honey on your crumpets?" the fox replied, suddenly hearing muffled screaming above him.
"AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-OOF!" I yelled, hitting the table face down.
"AH! Intruder alert, intruder alert! All systems lockdown, repeat, all systems lockdown! The sky is falling again!" Peach yelled, scurrying every which way "Oh, Luigi, it's just you."
"What's up with you?" Samus asked.
"Oh, someone messed up my-say…are those bagels?" I asked, licking my lips.
"We have bagels every morning," Mario said, downing some more sausages.
I emptied the basket in my mouth.
"Hey, pancakes! Oh, and sausages! And toast, and cereal…" You can imagine the Smashers abandoned ship pretty fast, with chunks of food flying every which way and that smoking crater in the dining table was left unattended.
Let me take the opportunity to explain breakfast at the Smash Mansion, at least, when it's not a free-for-all in here.
Roy never uses a napkin, or a fork, or knife or even a chair when he's eating. He goes right there and next thing you know the food is gone, the platter is missing, the forks are bent out of shape, the table has skid marks…
He eats like a sumo wrestler on hunger strike, only when he's not eating, it IS a hunger strike!
So with this scary human lawnmower devastating the south rim of the dining room, and me now practically eating the table…
"My oatmeal!"
"My oatmeal!"
"Mine!"
"Mine times infinity!"
"MINE!"
Finally, Roy gave up piecing up so much coherent thought while hungry and made a dive for the oatmeal.
Think about it people! I had stomach flu for a week! A week of Wheat Thins and ginger ale! At least there's only a little foam on my mouth.
Before a cheesy reenactment of Star Wars could happen, Dr. Mario and Roy's gloomy counterpart dragged us away from the table.
The Smashers instantly garnered more food and continued having breakfast.
"Did you see what he did to the table?" Bowser stage-whispered to Young Link, as they stood just off the dinner table.
"We could actually win for once!" Young Link replied, hopping up and down.
"Yeah! We've finally got another eating machine in this house! Roy passed out last time…now Marth won't let him go, but with Luigi…" Bowser trailed.
"…we don't have to even train him, and there's no strings attached!" Young Link finished.
They began doing the 'Ring Around the Rosie' thing while chanting "We're gonna wi-in! We're gonna wi-in!".
I just stared at them. They didn't even notice me standing right there!
"Oh, uh…Luigi…" Bowser stammered nervously, trying to act natural by leaning on a wall but accidentally leaning on Young Link's head, falling over.
"Heh, we were just talking…about…" Young Link tried, trying to sit on a chair but sitting on Bowser's most painful scales instead.
"Milk!" Bowser finished, still on the ground.
-Crickets Chirp-
"Uh huh…right…sure…Why don't you just tell me what's going on instead of making some really dumb lies?" I asked.
"Uh oh, he's onto us!" Bowser panicked, getting off the floor.
"Bag him quick before he reacts!" Young Link yelled.
Before I even knew what was going on, I saw burlap and heard rope. Something other than the up-and-down told me we were going somewhere.
"HEY! This is so dumb! Why don't you act your age, not your shoe size!" I snapped.
"Hey! I happen to wear size eleven!" Young Link snapped.
"Yeah, in size Little Fudgee Cookie Elves!" I snapped.
"He got you there…" Bowser said. Young Link glowered at him "What?"
After a while, Young Link cut through the sack and I was let free.
"WHOO HOO! All you can eat buffet, here I come!" I cheered, about to hijack a car.
"Hey, not so fast," Bowser said, dragging me over by the suspenders to a big sign.
-SMASH ESTATES EATING CONTEST! The Theme This Year: FIRE! We don't care where you're from, just eat until you're dizzy! Third Prize: Cool Flaming Boomerang Second Prize: Cool Flamethrower We So Did Not Steal First Prize: All of the Above AND A Fire Stone That Gives Some Cool Fire Power! Fire Bribes Only.-
"Eating contest? I can't eat!" I snapped through.
"You're eating a foot long as we speak!" Young Link snapped.
"Hey, you're right! I call the Fire Stone!" I cheered.
"Aw man…" they both groaned in unison.
A Fire Bribe Later…"Welcome to the flaming hot Smashing Estates Eating Contest! I'm Steve Snorlax, former contest judge and reporter for this event! Today we've got a wide range of contestants!" he said, brandishing a pudgy stump of an arm at the contestants on stage, all of which were a lot fatter and looked like they could eat a lot before passing out than I could.
"And they all look like worthy contestants! The contest ends when someone has completed all the food set before him the fastest! Who's the hungriest?" Steve said.
The crowd started cheering along with Steve.
I saw Bowser and Young Link there as well.
"Hey, you guys are here too?" I asked.
"We wanna know who's the hungriest," they both answered.
"Let's find out then! Bring in the main course!" Steve said, clapping his hands.
They brought out eighteen platters of enormous fettuccini.
"Oh, looks like they brought out the big guns with this dish! It's Silly Spaghetti, one of the hardest dishes and-holy smokes. Looks like one of our contestants already finished!" Steve said, double-taking, then nervously wiping his forehead with a hanky the size of a shower curtain.
I licked my plate clean.
"Okay…bring in the next dish for contestant seventeen!" Steve said. Another small burp came from a contestant "And some for contestant twenty three!"
Contestant twenty three wasn't as fat as the others, in fact, he wasn't fat at all. He was pretty lean, wearing a tee, shorts, and a headband with the Japanese flag on it.
"Oh no…they didn't…" I stammered. He swallowed an entire steaming lobster whole, without any butter or salt. "They did! Crud! They set the crazy Japanese kid on me! No one can beat him! He's that guy who kills the hot dog eating contests all the time!"
The sailor person next to me belched loudly, then said "You got that right. The gods don't make metabolic systems so perfect anymore but that kid…They call him 'Jap the Ripper' 'cause he tears the competition to shreds. You'd best pull out. I just came for the free food, not to win." He stroked his thick, bushy beard, and continued eating, face in plate.
"The competition's in full swing at the Mexican Enchilada dish!" Steve said.
"That's right Steve, and it's also a tricky one. Look at the gooey cheese layered on the-and we've got a fainter!" Celebi snapped, swiveling the camera to some poor chick whose face pounded into her plate, and she didn't seem so alive.
Egg-shaped Pokemon nurses wearing professional, business-like sanitation gear surrounded her, one holding a deliberator.
"CLEAR," she said, and a shock resuscitated her.
"Ah, we've got top of the line Chanseys at work here! Born and bred Nurse Pokemon, they help anyone and everyone in need!" Celebi said "Back to Steve…"
"And The Ripper tears right through Grandma's Southwest Stuffed Bell Peppers! I'm not sure if the competition will be able to glue itself back together in time!" Steve the Snorlax commented with his annoying mike.
"Oh my god! I better catch up!" I said, quickly stuffing my face full of bell peppers, Italian meatballs, and Californian mushrooms.
"Who is this mysterious green eating machine rising through the ranks! He'd better slow down before he actually catches up to The Ripper!" said Celebi, who seemed to co-report with everyone nowadays.
A little later, most of the contestants forfeited due to chronic heartburn, upset stomach…the whole deal they put into Pepto-Bismol commercials. Bowser regurgitated food after the Indian samosas. Young Link lasted longer, his heart stopped after the American cheesecake. The sailor had fallen asleep after the German potato salad; there was no one left but The Ripper and me.
"And it's the last dish, and what a doozey! One thing's for sure: only one immune-to-indigestion incinerator will be left after this!" Steve said, throwing his rounded paw at the new dish, which had a platter whose lateral distance was so mind-bendingly large, it cast a shadow over the stadium.
"AH! Complete darkness…ominous aura…It's the Rapture! We're all gonna die!" a random man said, trying to jump out a window from his seat but landing in grass.
The theme for the Dawn of Time was playing as they brought IT in.
"And it's Iron Chef Sakai's famous three-storey cake! Literally!" the Snorlax said, a mere ant compared to the huge, seventeen-tiered cake before him.
"Now that's just silly," Bowser said in the stands.
"It's huge! I didn't know they could make cakes that big," Young Link said.
"Who so manages to finish the most before passing out wins!" Steve cheered, the audience exploding.
"Jap the Ripper, Jap the Ripper, Jap the Ripper!" the crowd cheered.
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence," I grumbled darkly.
Instantly, The Ripper dove into his cake. It didn't even sound like eating; he sounded like a chainsaw. He FINISHED the cake. He left maybe a spoonful. The thing was, he would have eaten that last spoonful too, but his head hit the table so fast and so hard he probably forgot where he even was.
The medics swarmed around him, checking for a pulse, an ambulance rearing painfully on the grass.
"Oh dear…not good at all," the head Chansey said, checking her watch "He contracted the stomach flu from eating so much food. Sigh…we'll have to trolley him in for treatment."
"Stomach flu!" The Ripper asked, suddenly turning deathly pale.
"That's right young man. Nothing but crackers and soft drinks for you, young man!" said the Chansey. And with clockwork co-operation, the team of Chanseys carried him into an ambulance.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The Ripper cried "Must win for cool reputation, must win for cool reputation!"
"Yes young man, must win for dangerous stomach ache," she replied, and the ambulance sped off in the distance.
"And so our beloved medic Pokemon take in another victim of stomach virus," Steve said "Looks like our green contestant is the last one standing. If he can eat that last spoonful and live, then our Ripper's winning streak is through!"
Those few seconds where I wasn't eating had made my vicious hunger all the more. I downed the spoonful easily and began taking the bows and that bouquet of flowers from that lady in the dress.
"AND LUIGI BEATS THE RIPPER! LUIGI BEATS-" Steve began screaming into the mike, but someone in the crowd snapped "Who cares about some fat people trying to out-eat each other and see who can break the scale first! Get on with it man, give him his prize!"
"Okay, okay. You're not exactly a Slim Jim either. Celebi, show the lucky fatso-uh…I mean, contestant what he's won!" Steve cheered.
"We've got a Fire-Grade boomerang with heat-seeker that automatically turns off when the owner is near, a flamethrower we stole from-er…I mean DIDN'T steal from Blazing Fool…" Steve said, trying to cover up the nametag on the flamethrower.
"AND the Grand Prize: A Fire Stone. Not only will it make that Vulpix evolve into a Nine Tails but it'll also give the bearer some cool fire powers like Witch Hunter Robin!" Celebi said, grabbing a gift basket stuffed with the prizes.
"And a special mystery prize! Bring down the hats!" Steve said, and suddenly, a stage rose from the grass, displaying three top hats labeled one, two, and three.
"Pick a prize!" Celebi said.
"Uh…three 'cause it's my lucky number!" I blurted, and instantly, the hat dispersed.
"And he's won a year's supply of hot dogs, courtesy of Osaka Hot Dog Concern!" Steve yelled.
"And that's it for…"
"THIS YEAR'S SMASHING EATING CONTEST NOW WITH MORE FIRE!" Steve screeched into the mike.
"Join us next month for the Mudkip Mud Pie Exhibition! First a hundred win free cherry pies!" Celebi cheered, ignoring Young Link, Bowser and I jumping up and down with glee singing 'We won, we won, we won, WE WON!' on national television.
Quite suddenly, before I could enjoy my cool new prize, I slumped.
"What's wrong with you? You just won a cool fiery stone thingy," Bowser said.
"Hungry…Anyone up for some crab ramen? The sukiyaki restaurant gives free chop teriyaki with every bowl!" I said.
"Guh…" they both yelled woozily, falling over.
"Ah, who needs 'em. I wouldn't like sharing eighteen bowls anyways. Too skimpy," I said, and left to go eat a restaurant into the ground.
And I never fell into another eating spree again. Well, except for when I got lost in the Cadbury Factory…
Reviews:
Urby: It LOOKS lazy, but just think about it. Was that a Kirby Chapter or a Pikachu Chapter? I was just thinking, and thinking, and thinking, and then I realized, it's more of a Kirby chapter. Keep in mind, no matter if I ever decide to make some weird tag team chapter thingy, whoever is behind the I symbol is the main character. So, it was a Kirby chaptah. I have a better idea for Pikachu about her finding Kirby's fabled costume storage closet and then screwing around with the wigs…but I've said too much already. My goodness, I spoil too much.
Punkrocker64: I can't bake, so I'm loving an edible cookie…they were so yummy. Coincidentally, about the time you gave cookies for everyone my dear sibling baked some chocolate chip cookies…keep giving me cookies, they're wonderful, I got another M and Ms one today.
AshRB: I hope you liked the chapter, because if you didn't I'd have to answer to your scary bazooka!
Demon of the Black Fire: Yup, I'm alive…I hope, that school is killing me! LOL…
Elfbrat: For the last time, it isn't a tag team chaptah! It was a Kirby one, HE should have been involved more, but that just says how good I am about putting them in my shoes…I'm definitely not Marth, or Kirby, and I didn't even TRY to put Roy in first-person, at all, because he's so nuts and I'm so nuts and I was scared I would like it too much and make the whole story Roy.
Well, anyways, I feel for you, you poor girl. Being sick AND wearing lavender! I hope your friend's wedding is a success though, and I hope YOU enjoy the cake though you're sick.
Psychogunner: I can see why you're 'Psychogunner'. That sentence hurt my head so much it was like you were LITERALLY attacking my head…psychically! Wait…are you saying I was RIGHT?
Xiao: Sell the footage, sell the footage! You'll get so much money!
Blazing Fool: You hero you, you saved us from being B6 mind slaves! And here we thought it was donuts, you're so humble! Have a cookie, which, by the way, ACTUALLY sends cookies your way in real life! Dear Punkrocker64 gave me a cookie twice and I got a cookie twice today! YAAAY!
Have another cookie. Chocolate chip.
Hope this possession spell you've had for a while goes down!
RoyalFanatic: Thanks for the cake, although I didn't like the raisins much…
Have a whole box of cookies, I feel so bad about leaving you out of the action! You can have the next chapter, okay?
Totallystrange: Oh yes, good luck with your story! I checked out the email…have yet to read the story! And I'm online as well too!
Have a newbie author gift basket. It comes with cookies, cake, a milkshake, and a machine gun added personally by yours truly! Smiles!
Now, I hope this chapter was good…This is Caliban the Wizard, signing out!