Caliban: I know, way to take a million years! Just be glad it wasn't two million years :P!
Tesla: The truth is, she's a slacker.
Um…don't hurt me! Especially you Blazing Fool, don't kill me for your precious flamethrower! I'll even dedicate the chapter to you! Although this chapter is mostly for people who hate toasters. Since I got mine, I've had to stick a fork in it about eighteen times, no exaggerations. Not to mention they're murder with the smoke detector…
Disclaimer: HA-HA! My next great plan to own Super Smash Bros. Melee. Wait no, I forgot about the guards again. So I still don't own the darn video game!
When Electronics Fight Back. Starring Handyman Falcon!
It was an ordinary day at the Smash Mansion, in fact, a really nice one. Bowser wasn't causing much trouble since he was beaten severely by a rabid Blazing Fool who wanted his flamethrower back. Peach and the Pokemon were walking around the courtyard. The Ice Climbers actually left the never-ending battle in the rec room to go frolic, like this author has done many times when outside. Link, Mario, Fox, DK and any other main characters of video games were having a big golfing match to settle who was the best of them or whatever. When it comes to Smashers, it's all about blind competition and fighting.
Point-blank, everyone was enjoying their day. But what's this? Where's the Smash Mansion? It's just a big pile of smoking rubble! Can't you people go even three days without a demolition derby?
Oh, wait, never mind. I was looking the wrong way. The Smash Mansion was OVER THERE. One thinks that it was rebuilt in an incredibly short time, some place away from the smoking crater where it first used to be.
But what happened here?
One looks closer and finds a figure covered in ash, nearly dead, wearing a HOME DEPOT apron and holding one static-covered, but still working toaster.
Earlier in the morning…
I am Falcon, handyman of ultimate fix-itness, and for my chapter I shall film my handy-man escapades!
"What escapades? You never fix anything," Samus cut in.
Being the focused hard working handyman I am, I shall ignore that last comment and the way she just cut into my chapter. Get your own, it's chapter eight!
Okay, for my first job…
As you don't know, the toaster has been broken for many months. How do I know this? It ate Marth's cape, it burned my English muffins, it keeps shaking and sparking every time you touch it, and sometimes it growls at you if you look at it for too long. We were forced to keep it in a cage because of our inability to unplug the little monster, and for the longest time since, no one has been able to experience the joys of frozen waffles, bagels, and of course English muffins. Many have tried to best it, and I think I'll give it a whirl.
"I've come to fix the-"
"Shush, shush, it just fell asleep!" Luigi whispered, quickly placing a towel over the cage "Maybe if we're lucky we can unplug it!"
"Don't worry. I'm here to fix it," I replied, looking like the heroic handyman.
"Are you crazy? That thing will eat your tool belt, and maybe even you too! It's vicious, and it doesn't like you," Luigi whispered fiercely.
"How do you know?" I asked, confused. Everyone likes a handyman!
"It growls AND sparks when it sees you. It knows you want to dismantle it," Luigi replied.
"Now that's just creepy. Just give me a few seconds and this baby will never burn another English muffin again," I said, whirling out my trusty screwdriver.
Luigi tossed me the key to the cage and ran out of the room.
"Don't say I didn't warn-oh no! It woke up!"
True to his word, the toaster had woken up. Now, I remember seeing the little bugger asleep when everyone was pitching in to cage it, but I'd never realized how truly evil it was, or how big it was, until just that moment.
And then it growled and lunged at me!
"Are you sure that thing's a toaster!" I asked, gasping and trying to put it back in its cage.
"It's gone beyond a toaster a while ago, but it used to be one!" Luigi yelled over the sound of static.
"It's got a face and it's spitting microchips at me! WHOA!" I yelled, trying to fight it off with the screwdriver.
"It's attacking because it can smell your fear! Try throwing it in water! It's a toaster! It hates water!" Luigi replied.
"OW! It's whipping me with its plug, I can barely move!" I yelled back, as the toaster bit my screwdriver in half and chucked it away.
"It must have paralyzed you with its venom-I mean electric static stuff! It never goes unplugged, it must really hate you!" Luigi yelled.
"Thanks a lot! But-OW-how-OW-do I stop it! It's like a rabid dog here!" I yelled, and it spat another microchip at me.
"You're the handyman! It's your problem now!" Luigi snapped.
"That term has gotten too vague! We need freaking Bill Gates to stop this thing! That's it! I'm using your worst enemy against you!" I snapped, brandishing a fork. I jammed it into a slot, and out came one pitiful microchip, which the toaster choked out miserably.
"So THAT'S what was bothering it! This chip must have been viral, and it messed around with the battery-generator thingy, that made it go berserk! It's a normal toaster now," Luigi said, as he plugged it in casually and made an English muffin, dusting the toaster off.
"That's one good toaster, if it can survive the evils of a fork," I said, and then stole Luigi's English muffin, munching it. "Good stuff. Consider that payment for fixing the toaster."
Roy walked into the kitchen as I left it, and started whooping loudly.
"YEAH! The toaster's fixed! Frozen waffles here I come!" After that, all I heard were several packets of waffles being opened, loud beeping from the smoke detector, and then menacing, static roaring.
"GAH! It's alive! Cage it, cage it! AAH! It's spitting microchips!"
"Roy, you fool! Why did you put sixteen waffles in at once? The toaster can only handle fifteen!" Luigi snapped.
"GAH! It's whipping me with its plug!"
I was going to go help them but then…
"Screw it, let them fix their own toaster," and I continued on my merry way.
Then something happened which I definitely couldn't ignore. A huge blinding bolt of static erupted, and then suddenly you hear whirring. And buzzing. And cutting. And more sounds which didn't come from a toaster, not at all unless…
"THE TOASTER INFECTED ALL THE APPLIANCES IN THE MANSION!"
The color drained out of my whole body. In the hallway I was standing in, all the light bulbs exploded. The tall lamp in the corner began walking of it's own accord, trampling people. The stairs-what? The stairs?
Peach ran by and suddenly opened her walkie-talkie.
"Listen up people! This is Peach on the intercom! Evacuate the building! It's not safe here! The static's infected the mansion's mainframe!"
She closed her walkie-talkie and then it was her turn to pale.
"Oh no…I didn't know it was this serious!" Peach gasped, as she saw the stairs whipping people who tried to go on them.
"What are you talking about? It's just a little infection in the mainframe. So the internet will be down for a little while, big deal?" I asked.
"No…it's much worse than that. The whole house is connected to a super mainframe. Everything, and I mean everything in here is one hundred percent electronic: living things, inanimate objects, the Hands, even the village. A minor infection usually just means a few Internet connections like you said. A major one means we won't be using any computers or television. An even worse one means we won't be able to turn on the lights, use any appliances, telephones, or running water including toilets. But when the mainframe is this heavily damaged, the furniture goes wacky, the doors and windows don't open, the floor tries to eat us, and the walls fade randomly. But then there's worse, way worse. If we don't fix the mainframe soon, the whole mansion collapses. And we Smashers won't exist anymore because the mainframe supports us living here together without messing with the fabric of reality. But if the mainframe dies, we'll be stuck in pockets of non-reality forever!"
"Then whose bright idea was it to connect our lives to a computer? We're living beings, not computer programs!" I snapped "So I guess we'll have to destroy that toaster…"
There was a sudden explosion coming from the kitchen.
"The toaster!" I gasped, and ran into the kitchen, which was in ruins. The sink faucet had burst, the stove was on flambé mode, the refrigerator was roaring with the door opening and closing. Luigi and Roy were cowering on the floor with saucepans on their heads, shaking spatulas.
"Guys, what happened in here? Where's the toaster?" I asked.
They fearfully pointed up.
"It…escaped through the ceiling. It growled something about the roof and left," Roy quivered "Now can you please get us out of here? The food processor hasn't stopped staring at us since it got infected…"
I sighed and tossed them out the window, which thankfully was still working.
"You guys go out there and get as many electrical jammer rods as possible," I said.
"Electrical whosits?" Roy asked.
"STUN RODS!" I snapped.
"Oh…well why didn't you just say that in the first place?" Luigi asked.
"Just go," I sighed.
"Okay, two down, twenty three to go," Peach said.
"What?" I asked.
"Well, we have to get the Smashers out of here before the doors stop opening and the floor tries to eat us. That's going to happen in an hour and a half. Any later and we're dead," Peach said calmly, checking her nails.
"Great. You should really tell me these things sooner," I grumbled.
The first room we went to was the living room. The TV was trying to eat people, chanting 'Must. Destroy. Humans.'. The lamps were sparking like a Pikachu with a cold, and the hyperactive DVD player was stalking poor Pichu who was cowering under a cushion. Jigglypuff and Ness were there too.
"R-Roy was going to get snacks for the sumo match when suddenly the TV ATE Samus like a candy-coated a-a-apple!" Ness sobbed.
"Jig-Jigglypuff! We had to make a fort out of the couch to survive!" she squealed.
"PICHU! Yeah!" Pichu agreed quietly.
"Don't worry kids! I'll get you out of here!" I said. Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder.
"In a second, I'm being heroic," I said. It tapped again "I told you, I'm-" I turned around, and saw the ferocious TV roar.
"AAAAAHHHH!"
And so a chase very similar to Tom and Jerry occurred, before I got lazy and just smacked the darn thing.
"Bad dog!" I snapped. It growled confusedly. "Sit…" It sighed and stopped moving. This is where I got confused.
"Roll over!" It rolled over. "Okay…spit back everything you ate and go sit against the wall. The sumo match is on."
Like the good doggy it was, it spat out Samus, walked back to the wall, and plugged itself in, turning to Lola Likitung's commentary about Vicious Venusaur.
They turned the couch upright again and watched the game, yelling 'VICIOUS VENUSAUR!'. Same old same old. Well, almost. The lamps still had problems, but a glare and a growl quickly fixed that problem.
"Alright! Six down, nineteen to go!" Peach cheered.
"Would you stop that?" I asked.
"Uh…TO THE UPSTAIRS!" she yelled heroically.
"Have you forgotten going upstairs means going UP STAIRS?" I asked.
"Yes. But we can just take the elevator! Now, TO THE UPSTAIRS!" she said again, dashing out of the room.
"That's terrible grammar," I thought, but went anyways.
Needless to say, it was pretty awkward in the elevator.
"I didn't know we had an elevator! All the wasted trips up the stairs…hey…wait a second! If the STAIRS aren't working, why on earth would the elevator work? That makes zero sense! It should be the other way around!" I snapped.
The elevator stopped abruptly, like it suddenly realized something.
"Uh oh…you just had to remind it! Well, we're on the second floor anyways. Let's get out of here before it compresses!" she squealed, and we both jumped out at the last second before the elevator shaft crunched together.
"Well that just about does it. We're not going back down there again," I said "And I really wish I could because it's a MAD HOUSE OVER HERE!"
This was true. Not only was it dark and scary, but there was menacing laughter, screaming, crying, and lots and lots of exploding. Worst of all was the explosion that erupted out of Young Link's room. That one actually blew the door down.
"I think we'll go to that one first," I said, grabbing my wrench.
"Now be prepared. We might see anything in-PEACH?" I yelled. She just frolicked her way into the room without any caution at all! One day she's going to end up a pink smear on the wall, let me tell you.
"HELP MEEEE!" I heard Young Link scream.
I ran in and saw the two of them hanging on to the chandelier while Nintendo Game Cube controllers circled around, growling like dogs.
"I'm going to squish you flat for mashing my A- button, you berserker! This kid won the Button-Masher award sixteen consecutive times in ONE sitting!" went one controller.
"I'm going to give you bruises for playing so many R-and-L button Mario games! You know this kid practically breaks those buttons in every time he touches them?" said another.
"I'm going to hurt you for killing my joystick with your stupid fishing in Zelda! That game is a controller's nightmare! My joystick's so off I can't even teach my C-Stick how to move a character any more. My own C-Stick!" yelled another.
The other controllers agreed.
"Yes, fishing is the top of the controller hate list," they all murmured.
"Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm just addicted to video games, that never hurt anyone!" Young Link tried, as the controllers jumped for them.
"It sure hurts us when a kid fishes for three hours!"
"Now, Young Link, have you really been fair to the controllers? They're beings too. They need time off just like the rest of us. And one controller can't even teach his C-Stick anymore," Peach said. The controllers all agreed.
"No, ma'am…" Young Link grumbled.
"And controllers, have you ever actually TRIED asserting your problems before it got out of hand?" Peach asked.
"Well, now that you mention it, no. But then again, we've never been given otherworldly powers due to a burst of infected static electricity, so we never had a chance," a controller replied.
"So, what do you propose is a solution?" Peach asked.
"To hang maybe just a smidgeon lower so we can beat the tar out of you. But that's just us," the controller said.
"Well, alright then," Peach said, about to let go, when I stopped her.
"No! Are you crazy? These controllers are evil!" I snapped.
"But what are we going to do then?" Young Link asked.
"Simple. It's SMASHING TIME!" I roared, taking my hammer out.
"Bring it!" the controllers yelled.
One by one I smashed the controllers into the carpets, caught the giant fish in Zelda with them, threw them against walls after being frustrated in Wario World, and lastly, stepping on them with a satisfying crunch.
"You can come down now," I said.
Young Link gratefully dropped down onto the carpet, along with Peach. The closets rattled.
"Oh great. More appliances…" I snapped.
The closet fell open, revealing Fox, Falco, Link, and Zelda.
"YAY! They're gone!" Link cheered.
"What are you guys doing in my room?" Young Link asked.
"Technically, it's Link's room too. And we were just…making ourselves scarce for a little bit since our room was filled with menacing, living electrical devices! And then the controllers came to life, and we've been here ever since," Fox said.
"I see. You people have got to be the biggest chickens in the whole mansion," I said.
"We've got our reasons," Zelda said.
"I really resent that big chicken comment. Do I look like a bird to-wait, don't answer that," Falco said.
"Whatever," I sighed, leaving.
"Ha-ha! Eleven down, fourteen to go!" Peach cheered.
"That's really getting annoying. And didn't I tell you to stop?" I asked.
"No, you asked me. And I never answered, and oh did you hear that? Someone's in trouble!" Peach snapped.
We were in the hallway when we heard screaming.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!"
"I know that scream of utter terror! That's Marth!" Peach said.
True to her word, Marth suddenly made a sharp corner, screaming and waving his arms, and no wonder. Possibly the most vicious evil appliance yet, the washing machine was spinning FOOD PROCESSOR fast, and it didn't look happy.
"I'll turn you into porridge. You're always overworking me, dumping your nasty capes in without any thought at all, or even worse, CLEAN clothes that you put in there only to torment me or feed your hypochondria tendencies!" the washing machine roared.
Caliban: I feel like annoying people with my dictionary words today. Hypochondria: is a phobia of dirt and germs. Examples: Tohma Seguchi , obsessive-compulsive cleaners etc.,
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay? You're my best friend, really! I'd be lost without you!" Marth screeched, still running.
"No, you ARE lost with me, because I plan on turning you into porridge! Besides, the blow dryer is your best friend, not me," the washing machine said.
"Then who's Roy?" Marth asked.
"That's easy. He's your-" but the washing machine never got to finish, because it saw me. "Oh no! A handyman! You're not getting in my way!"
"Who me?" I asked.
It then started chasing me.
"Uh oh…AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
That thing chased me a long, long way, and considering it was the third most infected appliance in the mansion, the first and second being the toaster and the mainframe, it had all the other evil appliances chasing me too, roaring.
"Peach, HELP!" I yelled.
"Hang on, I need to count how many you saved! Twelve, thirteen, fourteen…"
"PEACH, screw the counting and help!" I yelled, hitting a dead end.
I was doomed. So doomed. The army was catching up when suddenly…
The washing machine was smacked into a wall with a door.
It turned out to be the men's room door, and out was Mario.
"Whew. I finally finished fixing the toilet that takes you to new dimensions. Hey Falcon. What's up?" Mario asked lazily, rubbing his sleepy eye.
"Nothing. Except you just saved my life!" I said.
I peered behind the door.
"Well I'll be. You took out all the appliances," I said.
"Of course. Never underestimate the power of a good door! Now, I need to sleep…" Mario said, walking through a wall, which then faded.
"Huh? Uh oh…"
The mainframe was still infected, and at this rate we were going to end up in pockets of non-reality!
Peach ran over.
"We have to get to the mainframe and stop the infection before-oh no!" she checked the doors and windows "They don't open!" She looked down, and the floor suddenly grew fangs "The floor tries to eat us!" She looked at her hand, which was see-through "AND WE'LL CEASE TO EXIST, FOREVER TRAPPED IN POCKETS OF NON-REALITY!"
She let out a piercing scream.
"Calm down…just calm down and tell me where the nearest exit to the roof is!" I snapped.
"Don't you get it? There isn't one! We're doomed!" Peach snapped. She collapsed into a thumb-sucking fetal position.
"Great. What a great time for her to go loony. You! Pansy! You're my sidekick now," I snapped, grabbing Marth.
"W-what? I'm no one's sidekick!" he snapped.
"Then do you want to find out what that washing machine was going to say? Over the mansion intercom?" I asked.
"Fine," he instantly said.
"Okay. Then I need you to help me turn reality upside down somehow, so that we fall through the ceiling," I said.
Marth pointed to a red emblem on the ceiling that looked oddly familiar.
"Hey, isn't that from Zelda?" I asked.
"Who really cares? Just throw a light bulb at it or something," he replied.
I wasn't sure if a light bulb was going to work, but it did, and soon the ceiling was the floor and the floor was the ceiling.
Caliban: If anyone has ever been to the Stone Tower in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, there's this red emblem thingy you hit with a light arrow and it makes reality go upside down somehow so that if you fall, you fall into the sky. Really weird, I know, but it's the coolest part of the game LOL!
It took more minutes than it should have, but I used my tools to break through the ceiling. Which unfortunately, resulted in the longest fall I'd ever had. Lucky for me, neither Marth nor I fell through the actual sky, but were lucky enough to end up on the roof.
If you scroll back up to Roy cowering in fear in the kitchen, you'll notice he talked about the toaster being on the roof. Well, that's true.
It was there, in all its static, menacing glory.
"Time to dismantle it!" I cheered, and then realized I had no tools. Well, except for an exact-o-knife, but you really only use those to get rid of pesky nails and stuff. It's as useful as a butter knife in terms of weapons, or dismantling tools.
But at this point, I was just SO frustrated, SO tired, SO annoyed, and almost completely faded, I just snapped.
"I don't care if you never make another darn English muffin again! You're more trouble than you're worth! I'm taking you out!"
The toaster actually looked scared when I grabbed it. I didn't use a fork. I didn't negotiate and then use a tool or something. I just smashed it against a wall, and boy, did it work.
"Falcon, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't do it, you'll-" Marth began.
"Explosion imminent. Countdown from ten begins. Ten. Nine. Eight," the toaster's mechanical voice began.
Well, it almost worked.
I tried everything I could to turn it off before it exploded, even though there wasn't much left of Smash World to go down along with it.
"Four. Three. Two," the voice continued.
There was just one idea left!
I carefully placed it under my helmet and sat on it.
"One. Sayonara. I really hope you aren't here to hear this," said the mechanical voice.
The resulting explosion was too massive for words. Perhaps it coincided with the collapse of the universe, I don't know.
All I knew was that when it was over, everything was back to normal, I was still incredibly alive, and so were the Smashers.
Samus walked over to ask me about what happened.
When I told her all I knew, she couldn't stop laughing. This is Samus mind you!
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"You saved the Smashers, the world, the universe, and yourself. You did everything, but the toaster's still busted," she said, laughing some more. "Hey, Falcon, are you alright? You look like you just popped a blood vessel. Now you look like you fainted. Hey, he's really down for the count. Wow. Ah well. Time to make some English muffins."
She grabbed the toaster, and walked toward the mansion.
And that was the last time I ever tried to fix anything. At least, until the TV busted on the day of the sumo final.
Author's Notes: You people will hate me for this, but this chapter was originally finished ages ago. But I tweaked it a little…and it instantly went from six pages to ten. How 'bout that? I just can't help myself! Personally, I don't think it was too bad this time 'round, but just to make sure…
Reviews: Long time no see!
Urby: Yes, I take forever, Urby. So long, that I don't try to sneak out of studying for exams to finish this chapter off. I suck! Seriously, I only have four exams. It's not like I didn't even have enough time to get near a computer. Okay, yes, I'm so sarcastic. But hey, you have a flaming license since you review every chapter!
Thanks for the spelling tip, it's been a while since I encountered the spelling of any Pokemon! It's mostly just guess work…hehe…
If I made it Zelda that wouldn't have been fair! I know some people who really hate her, so I'm going to do something even funnier with her! Or maybe I did already. I don't remember.
Blazing Fool: I'm glad you aren't possessed anymore, I was sure they were going after me next! That's why I locked myself in my office during the Christmas ball. Not even Demon of the Black Fire could drag me out.
You got your baby back, don't worry. And it's flaming even better than ever.
Totallystrange: I based the Japanese eater on that guy in America who kills hot dog eating contests! My sibs and I were sure he wasn't human. I swear, they aren't human. Maybe the Japanese are perfect elves or something like Legolas! And maybe I'm just crazy. Whatever.
I could go on forever, I've missed writing so much, but I'll MSN you later, I guess.
Elfbrat: You're welcome! And I hope you enjoyed the wedding. Wait…author alert tells you when it's updated? Oo I'm so doing that! Yes, I'm weird.
Xiao Dark-cloud: Let me start with YOUR FORUM! It rocks! Seriously, it's the best. It's growing real fast too. I just made a forum because I love Link, but you think about the greater good and made the ULTIMATE SSBM forum! Good for you!
Yes, sorry for taking so long.
Fayt: Well no DUH you can join! You can even give your ideas, which weapons, what you look like…and if you bug me enough, you can be a permanent addition to the wacky team!
Black mage Jr.: Nope, not many do. It's a creepy, scary show that I try not to watch, and is for the mature, I suppose. But I watch it anyways. Besides, we all know it has something to do with witches, and possibly fire…as for the Ice Climbers, would you like them separate or them sort of together, because I've got this Ice Climber: Part One thing going in my head…
Demon of the Black Fire: AT LAST! I wrote something! I hope it wasn't too long, I get so carried away. Anyways, whether you reviewed or not, or whether I just don't check enough, thanks for the feedback! Have a cookie!
Punkrocker64: Thanks for the gender check, I can never tell. Seriously, I have problems. I'm a chick, and yet on the lab exam I labeled the female parts with male parts! And I suck at housekeeping of any kind! I can't clean, and I almost burn down the kitchen three times a week. Just yesterday I killed a pot making custard! So I ramble a lot too.
Psychogunner: Hmm…I think it's actually Psycho Shocker, but what do I know about Yu Gi Oh? It's a cool name either way.
AshRB: Tell me about it. I'm ALWAYS hungry. I eat like a horse. Everything makes me hungry. TOOTHPASTE makes me hungry! Yup.
RoyalFanatic: I've made up my mind. YOU are my new commentator for the stadium in the Smash Mansion! Yes, YOU! I need more, and you're just about wacky enough. See you in next chapter!
All of you, I LOVE you people! Have cookies, chocolate chip! Kisses and hugs, this is Caliban the Wizard, signing out! I'll never take this long again, I promise. No, I'm serious, I'll give you all a week's notice or something before exams. High school sucks, doesn't it?