CHAPTER 3: The Bus Don't Go To Hogwarts, You GoTst To Take The Train

When Harry arrived at platform nine, which he had only been able to arrive at because Vernon wanted to escape Petunia's high-pitched whining about how old she was getting, he saw Ron's over-orange mop and sprinted towards him. Vernon followed. Only, he didn't sprint, he merely dawdled. By the time Vernon had caught up with Harry and Ron, they were in mid-conversation and Ron was talking about Lord of the Rings.

'It's just not realistic enough,' he had said before noticing that the world's light had been blocked out by Harry's uncle Vernon. Harry turned around to whom he hoped had been Hagrid, but was rather disappointed to see that it was the man who had made him throw up out of his window after driving him to attempt to leave home.

'Why are you still here?' he asked. He didn't mean to be rude, he just wondered.

'Just making sure you get onto the train OK.'

'Why would you do that? Plus you can't because muggles can't get through the barrier.' Harry also mentioned in his head that even if Vernon wasn't a muggle, he still couldn't get through the barrier. Mainly because he probably wouldn't fit.

'Well, then I'll make sure you get through the barrier OK, and I want to make sure you're OK. You're in my care.'

'No, I'm not. I'm a legal adult in the Wizarding world.' Harry knew that the only reason Vernon wouldn't leave was because he didn't want to return to his wife.

'I'll leave then, shall I?'

Harry nodded. Vernon left. But Harry couldn't help noticing, very slowly. Very slowly, indeed.

When Uncle Vernon had completely gone, some half an hour later, Ron started talking again.

'I didn't think you were coming back this year, Harry. I thought you were going to find Voldemort's Horcruxes and finish him off.'

'I was, but… well, I got scared, OK. The biggest mass murderer a part from Hitler and Stalin – who were muggles,' he added at Ron's perplexed expression, 'I got rather chilly feet.'

'But he will continue murdering until you kill him.'

'Well, I'll do it later! Stop harassing me! Harasser!'

'Sorry, Harry.'

'You will be!'

'I already am.'

'Are you arguing with me?'

'No, I'm simply saying –'

'Stop arguing with me.'

'I'm not.'

'Yes you are! I'm going to put a stop to this once and for all!'

'Go on, then.'

'I will.'

'Go on, then.'

'Don't push me!'

'Just –'

'MY AUNT IN A CORSET!'

'NOOOOOOOOOO!' Ron shuddered in clear emotional, and probably physical pain. 'What the HELL did you do that for? Doesn't that disgust you?'

'Yeah, but I've made by myself immune to it. I'm going to use it against Draco Malfoy.'

'But Draco Malfoy doesn't know what your aunt looks like.'

'Are you arguing with me?'

'No, I was simply say-'

'I WILL put a stop to this!'

'No, don't put a stop to it!'

Ron had been reduced to trying to curl up in a ball but standing on one leg at the same time. He looked rather peculiar. Rather like a flamingo.

'So, about Voldemort…' he continued as though nothing had happened and returning to normal height, although, obviously still crippled at the thought of Harry's aunt wearing a corset.

'Well, I thought I'd learn to apparate, finally, take my invisibility cloak into Hogsmeade, and then apparate to wear the Horcruxes may be!'

'Oh my God! You are a genius! Thank you for being my best friend!'

'Aren't you forgetting something?' Yes, it is Hermione's monotonous drone.

'What?' said Harry.

'The fact, that maybe, I don't know, you need to find out where the Horcruxes are FIRST.'

Harry turned to face her.

'Yes I did forget that, but I can solve it. So there,' he said, sticking his tongue out at her.

'How?'

'It's a secret! And you can't know!' retaliated Harry after some consideration.

'Why not?' asked Hermione looking hurt.

'Because you're a girl. And girls have cooties!'

Ron had to stick his nose in somewhere and Harry was glad it was here, because he wouldn't have known what to say. He agreed in a child-like manner and then felt Mrs Weasley shove him through the barrier onto Platform Nine and Three Quarters. When he had noticed the change of scenery, he pulled a confused face and then felt his trunk fly into him as he did a matrix-style fall. Well, it was normal speed, but everything else was the same. So, it was, in actual fact, a normal fall with over exaggerated facial expressions.

Ron casually walked through the barrier after Harry's trunk and then toppled right over it, slid down it and landed right on top of Harry. Yes, in a sex position. At that precise moment, Draco Malfoy felt the overwhelming urge to turn round and see this rather amusing scene.

'Ron and Harry sitting in a tree…'

'Fuck off, Malfoy!' Ron's answer to everything.

Draco pulled a face to show he had just been disgustingly insulted by Ron's comment, and yelled back: 'Fuck off yourself, batty boi!' Draco's mum gasped and walloped him around his silky blonde head and his Grandmother fainted. 'Is she dead?' Draco asked, excitedly.

'No, just unconscious. I'll hear about this when I get home, y'know,' replied Narcissa.

'I'm sorry, mummy. But he told me to "fuck off".'

'I know, darling. I don't blame you for what you did. You were pushed to it.'

Narcissa and Draco fell into a deep hug and didn't emerge from it for around ten seconds later. At this scene, Harry and Ron burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter, and therefore collapsed further into each other. Draco and his mother broke free only to see what looked like Harry and Ron getting even closer.

'Batty bois!' Draco called. 'Gay boys! Homosexuals!'

'Turd burglars!' Draco spun around in horror to find that it really was his mother who shouted that.

'What? I hate the Weasleys, too.'

The final calling for the train sounded. In the process of getting up, Ron accidentally kneed Harry in the balls and so Harry unfortunately had to limp to the train.

'Well, Harry should have been better prepared to go through the barrier. He knew we were coming back to school today,' Hermione said to Ron after he had told her what happened. Harry would have told her but his voice was unusually high-pitched and he was massaging himself as if this would cause his genitals less pain.

'Harry stop rubbing so hard. It'll just hurt more,' said Ron with a sorry expression.

Harry tried to answer but found his voice wouldn't let him.