CHAPTER 5: The Pervertedness of the Kids at Hogwarts
Harry had to endure a lot of stick thanks to Ron and his overly hard kneecaps. Hermione told him countless times to go to the hospital wing and get it all sorted and what not, 'She can reduce your testicles to the size of a pound coin,' she had said.
'I'm outraged!' retorted Harry. 'My balls were at least twice the size of that!'
'Probably three,' Ron agreed.
Harry nodded what Ron said at Hermione who had a disbelieving look on her face.
'Well, go and get Madam Pomfrey to fix them, then.'
'No,' Harry said at once, but quietly.
'Why not?'
Ron answered Hermione for Harry.
'God Hermione, some men like to keep stuff private! I don't like people seeing my sock collection, Seamus doesn't like people seeing his armpit hair and Harry doesn't like people seeing his balls, alright!'
'Thank you, Ron,' Harry said calmly.
'It's just because they're not very big,' argued Hermione.
'THEY'RE BIGGER THAN YOURS!' Harry threw back at her.
'I haven't got any!'
'Yes you have! You're a man, Hermione!'
The whole common room and fallen silent and Harry looked round.
'What? You can't say you didn't think she was.'
The whole room uttered in agreement. Even the people in the portraits had a look of triumph on their faces. Hermione got to her feet and looked around in disgust.
'Well, you lot are all… you're all gay! I AM a girl, and I'm going to the library so I don't have to be around you!'
Ron shouted back at her from inside the common room.
'DON'T USE LONG WORDS! IT CONFUSES US!'
The next day, Hermione came and sat with Harry and Ron at breakfast. She didn't speak but it was clear that she was pretending nothing was wrong.
'I'm not a man,' she said, after about ten minutes.
'Prove it,' answered Ron.
Hermione threw her cutlery down onto her plate, turned round on the bench, grabbed Ron's hands and placed them firmly on her chest.
'SEE!'
Ron groped around for a while and then decided that maybe she wasn't a man, but would still need further proving. Harry on the other hand, had gotten up and ran down the great hall and out through the door, lugging his balls between his legs. When he got out of the door, he fell to his knees then to his side and laughed like he had never laughed before. This was the funniest thing he had ever seen in his history of seeing funny things. He then felt a strange sensation on his legs and looked down.
'I seem to have soiled myself. I may need to tuck my trousers into my socks.'
He did so.