CHAPTER 18: THE RETURN OF THE POMPOUS, STUCK UP ARSE

Harry woke up the next day to find that his life was still the same as it was the day before. But over the next few weeks, Draco Malfoy didn't seem to fire any insults at him, which bewildered him and also slightly annoyed him because he'd came up with the best comeback: "What brand are your insults, Draco? EDAM!" When he'd told Ron, it had caused him to laugh so hard that his legs collapsed from under him due to lack of oxygen, he then faded in and out of consciousness and then completely passed out. He was rushed to the Hospital Wing but was discharged a few hours later. Hermione arrived at Hogwarts after the Christmas holidays and told Harry off for being murderous.

'I wasn't trying to kill him!'

'Oh, that's what all murderers say! That was very inconsiderate, Harry!'

'It was only a joke! I didn't know you could die from laughing! Well, YOU couldn't obviously because you're a pompous, stuck up arse who wouldn't know what laughing was if it bit you on the leg and then danced in front of you wearing a loincloth singing "Order me a Big Mac and a large Sprite!"'

'I know what laughing is, Harry,' Hermione said coolly.

'Only because you read about it in The Most Sour People in the World Don't: . Honestly, Hermione. It was an accident!'

With that Hermione stalked off and Harry called after her:

'Why don't you try to make friends with Snape! He might make you laugh!'

Harry walked into the Gryffindor common room feeling really very proud of him self. He told Ron what had happened and he was on the verge of laughing so Harry ran upstairs and hid so that it wouldn't be his fault if Ron nearly died again. While he was under his bed looking very frightened just for dramatical effect, Harry found some stuff he'd lost over his years at Hogwarts. He pulled out his wand.

"Lumos!"

His wand lit up and Harry could see a great big pile of stuff, and a few short ginger hairs that were settled in circular patches on the soft stuff (like Harry's lovely jumper Mrs Weasley had knitted for him in their first year – it was still to big). Either Crookshanks had been here or Ron was trying to make backwards crop circles again.

Harry found a packet of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, one sock which he decided to give to Louise, a wand cap (he found it in it's packet, that's how he knew what it was), a hedge trimmer which he decided to give to Ron to help him with the whole crop circle thing, A Patrick Star Kinder Egg toy, a small figurine of himself, some Christmas cards, a voodoo doll of Hermione, a Hanson CD which he guessed belonged to Ron anyway and a small, feisty garden gnome, which he also guessed belonged to Ron. And deep under the pile of this stuff, he found a CD of his all time favourite band, Panic! At The Disco, which he had a fit over and put it in his CD player right away.

He put all of Ron's things on his bed and put away all of his stuff and laid the one sock for Louise on his bed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the star think Louise had given him. He rubbed the centre of it and thought of a random word.

'Puddles,' he said.

'Well, that was a bit random, wasn't it!' said a friendly voice behind him.

'I… er… I found you a sock,' said Harry lamely.

'Oh thanks! Erm… what can I do with this?' she said, taking the sock from Harry. 'Hmmm…

'The story of life is much too great,

Make this sock separate!'

The sock divided horizontally in half.

'There! Right.

'My hands are cold

They shiver and shove,

Turn these rags into

Long, red and black stripy fingerless gloves!'

The two rags turned themselves into exactly what the Fairy had said and she put on the gloves, which did indeed look very cool.

'Oh! Panic! At The Disco! I love them!'

'I know! They rock! I found their CD earlier!'

'Wow!' said Louise. 'I overheard that conversation you had with Hermione earlier. Very well said!'

'Oh, thanks.' Harry blushed.

'Yes… wait!' Louise looked as if she were hearing things but Harry couldn't hear them, so he just stood there patently, trying to look sexy. It worked! 'Hermione says, and I quote, "Harry Potter is the most foul human being to ever walk the planet. He's dumb, lazy and probably gay".'

'WHAT!' shouted Harry. 'I'm not dumb!'

'Are you gay and lazy?'

'I'm rather lazy,' Harry said thoughtfully, 'but not gay at all.'

'Didn't think so. She's talking about this to some Slytherin guy…'

'Who?'

'I don't know, I'm not bloody psychic!'

'Oh, sorry.'

'You will be!'

Harry cowered.

'So, do you want to go and stand up to her?' asked Louise.

'Er… YES!'

'Good! Come on!'

Louise and Harry marched their way to the 4th floor corridor, where Louise had located Hermione and Draco to be. They were indeed there, and talking as if they were good friends having a good old bitch about people they don't like and never have done.

'He's ever so stuck up and thinks he's such the hero!'

'Yeah, I know! Well, I guessed. It's not that hard. He oozes that aroma, y'see.'

Harry couldn't believe his ears! Hermione was bitching about him to DRACO MALFOY! What a bitch!

'I don't think I'm a hero, Hermione! I'm the bloody PROTANGONIST in this story! Not you, not Ron, know why? BECAUSE I SELL MERCHANDISE!'

'He has got a point,' said Draco.

Louise, who recognised the voice, turned and saw him standing there.

'HELLO GAY!' she boomed. Although she needn't have been so loud.

'Hi,' he said shortly.

At that moment, there was a loud nee nor sound like a fire engine, and it seemed to be coming from Louise, who had gone red slightly.

'What's that?' asked Harry.

'I'm needed by the head Fairy Godmother. Lucinda… Erm… OK…'

'Fairy Godmother, my arse. You're not a Fairy Godmother, you're just a watcher,' said Draco meanly.

'I AM his Fairy Godmother,' demanded Louise.

'If you were,' said Draco slyly, 'you would leave in the way all Fairy Godmothers do. By apparation.'

'But surely,' said Hermione, defiantly, 'you can't apparate inside the school grounds, it says in my books.'

'Just shut up,' said Louise with a disgusted look on her face.

'Fairy Godmothers can,' said Draco, who looked oddly impressed with himself.

'Fine!' said Louise. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a handful of glitter. She threw it in the air as she shouted 'POOF!' and after everyone moved their arms away from shielding their eyes from the smoke it created, Louise had indeed gone. But as Harry looked down the corridor, he saw Louise running as fast as she could, waving her arms above her head, shouting 'MOVE! GET OUT THE WAY!'