CHAPTER 26: I'M THE FRIGGIN' PROTAGONIST!

Harry still thought it was seven o'clock PM when breakfast popped up on the table. Still drunk from the night before with his tie tied round his head and with his red and purple camouflage make-up still in perfect condition, got up and waddled his way off to Gryffindor Tower. When he got there, he recognised none of the portraits or any of the people, really, and wondered why everything was green and had snakes on. He left the Slytherin common room with two black eyes, a bleeding lip, a chipped rib and a hairless chest thanks to Goyle and his waxing kit he got for Christmas, 'though Harry was sure that was meant for girls…

He spent the entirety of that day sleeping off his hangover, which Ron didn't help with as he found it necessary to pelt out 'All By Myself' at full volume and then conjure up an audiences' applause every time he did so.

At five o'clock, Harry got up and went down stairs where he saw Ron and Draco deep in conversation.

'So what I said then was…' said a business-like Draco to a deeply listening Ron, 'was to go fuck himself and never speak to me like that again. Honestly, the things I put up with! You'd think I was some sort of villain in this story or something. Whereas really, I'm the main part! I'm the one the audience thrives for. I'm the one all the girls want. Not Harry!'

'MALFOY!' shouted Harry. 'What the fuck are you on about! I'm the protagonist in this story, not you, not Ron, me. Know why? 'Cause I sell merchandise!' And with that, Harry left in a grump.

Two girls came into the common room carrying Harry Potter figurines looking very pleased with themselves.

'Er, where did you get them from?' asked Draco, loudly. 'And why don't you have a me?' He was furious.

The girls ran off crying while Draco was left there, breathing like an angry bull.

'Oh, he's right. He is so much better than me.'

And with that, Draco left with his chin held high.

Later that evening, Harry had returned to the common room in great disguise (i.e. one of those glasses, nose and moustache doo dads and a hat. Never underestimate the power of the hat! He was still wearing his Gryffindor robes and his hoodie with "Potter" written on the back he got during the Tri Wizard Tournament. He likes it, OK!). He walked stalkingly up to Ron and said

'The red haddock flies at midnight.'

To which, Ron leapt out of his chair, beat Harry 'round the head with his rolled up magazine shouting "WHO ARE YOU? IMPOSTER!"

'Ron, it's me. HARRY.'

'Oh, why are you in disguise?'

Harry took a breath in as if to tell Ron, but then stopped and wondered why he was in disguise. It meant nothing, really. So he took off the glasses, nose and moustache. But he kept the hat. He thought it made him look swarve.

Draco came in, his eyes swelled up with tears and he couldn't help himself. He went up to Harry and gave him a big, girly hug, whilst fighting back big, manly tears, of course. He sat down next to him and looked at him like he would a hero. Harry was slightly scared at this point and rubbed on his magic star he had in his pocket. Louise the Cheeze appeared with the background music that goes "Let's get it oooonnnn…(it's in Austin Powers 2)"

'Ooohh, Harry,' she said, dreamily. 'You are so perfect.'

She leapt into his lap and kissed his head. Well, she practically started making out with his head, actually.

'Hi,' said Harry.

'OH!' said Louise with a start. 'I have NEWS on Mouldyshorts' residence!'

She handed him a small piece of parchment on which an address was written.

'"17 Pansy Avenue".' Harry read. 'Ok… then…'

'Yes, I thought that was weird at first, but he's living in his Grandma's old house,' said Louise.

'He didn't have a Grandma,' said Draco.

'What?' said Louise.

'He didn't have one. His mum's mum died before he was born and his dad's mum was a muggle so he killed her when she was really young. He didn't have a Grandma.'

'So…'

'That's HIS house,' said Draco. 'And all his Horcruxes will be there, too. But he's cunning, so they won't all be stored in the same place.'

'If he's cunning,' challenged Ron, 'then why has he got his Horcruxes at his house?'

'Because he knows Harry's after them.'

'You seem to know a lot on this subject, Draco…' said Stock, suspiciously.

Everyone jumped when they saw him.

'What? I've been here for ages. I came in with the llama.'

He pointed at a llama in the middle of the common room chewing on it's hair. Harry, Ron and Draco looked at Louise who was trying her best to look innocent.

'DRACO KNOWS TOO MUCH ABOUT MOULDYSHORTS!' she shouted.

'Yeah!' said Ron.

'Well of course I do!' he said. 'My father is a deatheater!'

'Well then how do we know we can trust you?' asked Ron.

'BECAUSE I'M SHAGGING YOUR FUCKING SISTER!' he screamed.

'I see…' said Professor Stock.

'So,' said Ron, 'I march into his house, and slaughter that good for nothing arsehole!'

'Excuse me, Ron!' said Harry, 'I'm the hero, I'll do the slaughtering, thank you very much.'

Ron looked deeply hurt but tried to conceal it. He looked like he was doing an impression of a frog, for some reason.

'What shall happen is:' said Louise, 'I shall go to his house, pretend to be selling something… like, erm… personalised certificates…'

'Certificates?'

'Yes… and then I shall karate chop him round the neck, punch him in the face, break a metal chair over the back of his head and then strangle him to death.'

'And, erm… where do I come in this?' asked Harry.

'You don't,' said Louise, shortly.

'What? I'm the friggin' protagonist in this friggin' story!'

'Awww! You look so cute when you're angry!' cooed Louise.

'I'm the protagonist! I'm Harry Potter! I have the scar! Not any of you! Me! I sell merchandise, dammit!'

'Oh yeah,' said Draco, 'you can buy a Harry Potter doll for 74pence off eBay.'

'Oh! Thanks!' said Harry and he ran off.