CHAPTER 27: THE NOTE

School on Monday was dismal. More dismal than when I have to suffer going to my cousins' for an entire day. Yes folks, more dismal than that! Well, no… about the same, actually. But then, at least it was the last week before half term. YAY!

Defence Against the Dark Arts was the only relatively good lesson of the day. Harry laughed for the entire double lesson as Ron continued to do stupid things without realising. One time, he was leant on his elbow being bored and minding his own business, when he leant on his wand and it went up his nose. Harry, being incredibly bored, also, didn't tell Ron his wand was up his nose. He walked around the room looking for parchment with his wand just staying there, and this was only pointed out by Goyle, who was like:

'Oi! Draco! Ginger Nuts has got a wand up his ars- I meant nose.'

Draco, Harry and especially Professor Stock were very annoyed this had been pointed out and each swore they'd murder Goyle with their bare hands. Goyle, being dumb and not knowing what 'murder' meant, just smiled politely and said:

'Thank you!'

When Harry and Ron got back to the dormitory after lessons, they saw an envelope on Ron's bed, addressed to him in very pretty handwriting.

'Awww! That is so pretty! So artistic. So… It belongs in a museum!'

Harry nodded in agreement and looked upon it, delicately.

Ron turned the envelope over, ripped it open with all his might and threw it on the floor.

'"Dear Ron"' he read. '"I am writing to inform you that I find you deeply attractive. Your eyes are like deep, soul filled oceans I wish I could glaze into. You're so kind, caring and warm, you just make me collapse when I see you. I love you, so much.

PS. The gingerness doesn't bother me.

Well, it does a bit, but I can see past it."

RUDE!' added Ron.

'Well, most girls couldn't see past I,' Harry pointed out.

'Past what?' asked Ron.

'The gingerness.'

'I wasn't talking about my gingerness!' shouted Ron. 'I was talking about the fact that they put girly perfume on the note. What do they think? I get off on this stuff or something!'

Harry was about to talk but then saw that he probably wasn't going to win this fight, or at least he didn't want to. So he just walked off and got changed. Well, he striped down to his underwear and then found that someone had hidden his clothes so he had to search the castle for more. In his underwear. Yes.

While he was gone, Ron wandered over to Harry's bedside table, and found his magic star. He rubbed it, for no apparent reason. Well, finding out who sent the letter would have been good.

A few hours later, Harry returned, all battered and bruised to find Ro and Louise wearing detectives' outfits, magnifying glass things and moustaches. Harry could also swear he heard Ron call Louise "Sherlock".

'Oooh! Harry!' said Louise in an old England accent.

'How progresses the day?' asked Ron, which Harry was sure he'd heard him say before.

'I just had to fight another dragon, just to get a pair of trousers!'

He pointed at his trousers, which were baggy jeans, all ripped and torn.

'But unfortunately the dragon didn't have a top so I'll have to walk around topless for a while.'

'Oh, what a shame.' Louise said, staring at Harry's chest, 'though Harry didn't seem to notice. 'What happened to your clothes?' she asked, trying to sound sympathetic.

'Someone stole them,' he said.

'I see…' she replied, still interested in his naked torso.

Ron saw Louise was looking at Harry and started to look, too.

'Ok Ron, I don't mind Louise looking at me like that, but you're a GUY.'

'What? OH! Right… erm… sorry,' he said, and turned round.

There was a long pause.

It was a long pause indeed.

Very long in fact.

'Harry, what do nipples do?' asked Ron.

'What? Ron, I don't know what nipples do!' He looked at Louise. 'Well, mine give Lu pleasure, but in general, I don't know what they do.'

'Oh,' said Ron, disappointed slightly. 'So, Louise, who do you think sent this letter?'

'Erm…' she said, still staring at Harry, who was now pulling body-builder type poses for her.

'Harry, piss off for a bit?'

Harry sighed and walked out.

'Right!' said Louise. 'I think, due to all the supporting evidence, this being the pink stationary with hearts on it, the perfume, the loopy, squirly hand writing… the only suitable suspect really, is… well, Seamus. Naturally. I don't know why you didn't think of it sooner.'

Ron looked very confused at Louise and also as if she was talking complete bollocks. Which, indeed she was.

'What?' asked Louise.

'We've just spent two hours looking at all this stuff. Identifying writing, linking things using actual SCIENCE, and you're telling me it was SEAMUS!'

'Yeah,' said Louise.

Ron looked confused.

'HARRY!'

Harry came running upstairs and burst into the dormitory.

'Yeah?'

'Your fairy's broken.'