WARPED
Disclaimer: I don't own a damned thing. With that settled, enjoy the show.
(Our story begins in Magneto's sanctuary. Toad is working diligently on his keyboard, pondering to himself.)
Toad: (Thinking.) I don't get it. What is it about me that Scarlet Witch hates so much? I mean, I know I'm not perfect but then again neither are any other those "hunks" that are in those teen magazines…With the fashion…and the make-up…and the "q and a" section… How do I know all this stuff! Point being, strip those male models of all their looks and they're no different from me! Ugh! Focus…
(Toad begins typing again.)
Toad: (Still in thought.) Those male joggers…I see them all the time when I'm sent out on errands. They always bring their dogs with them and then, Lowe and Behold, the women are gushing all over them! Maybe…if I were to get a pet…something cute and… (Cringes.) …cuddly…Wanda will be all over me too!
Announcer: Uh-oh! Looks like Toad is up to one of his screwball plans again!
(Toad jumps out of his chair. He's crouched down low into a fighting position.)
Toad: What the—Who said that!
Announcer: Just what will those crazy Brotherhood members do next! We'll find out in another amazing episode of All My Mutants!
Toad: You gotta be kidding me!
(The theme song is in the tune of The Brady Bunch.)
Announcer: Here's a story of a man named Magna,
Who was psychotic as psychotic could be,
He was sick of being ruled by the humans,
He knew he had enough.
Here's a story of a bunch of henchmen,
They were willing, working mutants all their own
Had the same dreams of mutant domination,
Yet they were all alone.
'Till the one day that Magneto met these fellas,
And he knew that they would do all that they could,
To destroy the human race,
And seek vengeance,
That's the way they all became The Brotherhood!
The Brotherhood!
The Brotherhood!
That's the way they became The Brotherhood!
(Sabertooth snarls and over to Toad.)
Sabertooth: What the hell was that!
Toad: I don't even want to know. I'm going out. I'll be back soon.
(Mystique and Wanda are in the medical room. Mystique is looking out the window while Wanda reads a magazine.)
Wanda: So, did you hear those strange noises coming from the other room?
Mystique: You mean that announcer guy who's been shouting at us for the past two hours.
(Laugh track.)
Wanda: Ugh! And there's that stupid laugh track playing again! When and how did all this stuff get here?
Mystique: Beats me. When Magneto comes back he'd better fix this. For now, let's try not to do anything funny or remotely amusing to get that laugh track going. Let's try to be as boring as possible.
(Toad enters the room carrying a very fluffy, very expensive, and very feminine looking cat.)
Toad: I'm back! Missed me, you guys?
(Mystique and Wanda's mouths drop. The laugh track plays full blast for a good five minutes.)
Wanda: Toad, where did you get that cat!
Toad: Um…I found it…
Mystique: Where, stupid?
Toad: A really nice animal shelter in New York. I was originally planning on getting a dog but, you know, dogs like to lick…And you know what they say about toads and all those hallucinogenic chemicals in their skin…Yeah…That wouldn't have worked out very well…
(The laugh track goes off again. Toad is startled into a fight stance.)
Toad: That thing again! I thought I escaped you!
(Laugh track.)
Toad: Why must you mock me! All my life I've been made to mock. Everyday I enter a world of staring, hidden smiles behind looks of false sympathy. And your presence only seems to serve only as a reminder of that horrible, wretched truth! Except you don't hide it; you have the gall to shout it right to my face!
(Toad places the cat on the floor.)
Toad: Well fine then! Laugh. Laugh all you want! But this game must come to an end someday. And maybe that will be the day when I'm married, happy, attractive, and pigs inherit the ability to fly!
(Everybody stares at him, not quite knowing how to react.)
Toad: (On the verge of crying.) You people are all monsters!
(Toad storms out of the room. Mystique, Wanda, and the cat remain speechless.)
Wanda: Wow…That was incredibly deep…
Cat: Mew…
Mystique: Yeah…Especially for someone like Toad…
(Mystique picks up the cat.)
Mystique: Oh! Poor thing. You're a mess! Let's get you brushed!
Wanda: Ooo! I have a box of bows that would look perfect in her hair!
(Wanda and Mystique run off excitedly with the cat.)