Commercial Number One:
(Sabertooth is sitting in the middle of a studio and he is not happy.)
Director: Say it.
Sabertooth: No!
Director: Say it!
Sabertooth: No! You can't make me!
Director: Oh but I can! You see, if you don't say it, I'll send all these lovely pictures of you in women's clothing around the net for everyone to see!
Sabertooth: What!
(The Director holds up the pictures. Sabertooth looks at them for a long time.)
Sabertooth: Hey! These are Photo-Shopped!
Director: I know! Isn't it amazing! I can make anything I want with it!
Sabertooth: And you'd really spread those all over the net?
Director: At the expense of earning thousands of dollars along with your dignity, yes!
Sabertooth: And do you promise to split the cash fifty-fifty?
Director: Sure.
Sabertooth: Fine…You win, I guess…
(Sabertooth clears his throat.)
Sabertooth: (Muttering the words angrily.) I want chicken, I want liver. Meow-Mix, Meow-Mix, please deliver.
Director: (While Sabertooth is singing, the Director rubs his hands eagerly together.) Now dance, my little puppet, dance!
Sabertooth: What did you just say!
Director: Oh…nothing…
(Sabertooth snorts.)
Director: Good…good…
Commercial Number Two:
Announcer: Coming soon to a theater near you! See the Brotherhood like you've never seen them before in this ground-breaking, epic film! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you might even vomit from pure excitement! Adrian Brody as the unstoppable Juggernaut!
(Footage #1)
(The Juggernaut practically swims over Adrian's frail body. He vigorously pounds his chest on top of a large sky scraper.)
Adrian Brody/Juggernaut: No one can stop the Juggernaut!
(Footage #2)
Doctor: Juggernaut, I'm sorry to inform you, but I'm afraid you've been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
Adrian/Juggernaut: I may never live again…
Announcer: Fabio stars as the disgusting yet somehow intriguing Toad! Alongside him is Nichole Kidman as the mesmerizing Scarlet Witch!
(Footage #3)
(Fabio has been painted entirely green. Nichole Kidman is clearly too old to be playing Scarlet Witch.)
Fabio/Toad: My beloved! Can't you see that you complete me!
(Nichole slaps him.)
Fabio/Toad: Kiss me?
Nichole/Scarlet Witch: No means no, you vile little pest!
(Nichole storms away.)
Fabio/Toad: BUT I LOVE YOU! (Echo, echo, echo…)
Announcer: Macaulay Culkin as the fiery personality that is…Pyro!
(Footage #4)
(Macaulay is putting on make-up when he notices he's being video taped.)
Macaulay/Pyro: Nobody understands me!
(A random sentinel bursts in and attacks Macaulay. He falls to the ground, unconscious. Adrian Brody comes in and destroys the sentinel. He sees Macaulay's helpless body on the floor.)
Adrian/Juggernaut: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Announcer: Bob Saget will play the role of the ferocious, carnivorous feline Sabertooth!
(Footage #4)
Fabio/Toad: Just where do you values lie!
Saget/Sabertooth: Values! I have no values!
Goodman/Blob: He needs you, man! And you're just going to walk out on him!
Fabio/Toad: You're his friend!
Saget/Sabertooth: I have no friends, don't you understand! I walk alone. I don't need anyone…Anyone!
(Saget storms out of the room.)
(Footage #5)
Announcer: John Goodman as the unmovable Blob!
Goodman/Blob: When we venture out on the battlefield, eyes burning with the passion for revenge, let us remember Pyro! (Close to tears.) Let's do it for Pyro!
Announcer: Ian McKellen as the sinister Magneto!
Ian/Magneto: Because the author couldn't think of anything better!
Announcer: And lastly, Michael Jackson shall be playing the role of the stealth sleek Mystique!
(Footage #7)
(Michael Jackson in covered in blue make-up. He has his hand on Macaulay's shoulder.)
Macaulay/Pyro: I don't know, Mystique. It feels like, no matter what I do, I'm not good enough for this team…Like I don't fit in...
Jackson/Mystique: Oh Pyro! Don't say that. You will always belong here. We're brothers you and I, one and the same. Once in the Brotherhood…always in the Brotherhood!
(In any improvised Michael Jackson ballad.)
Jackson/Mystique: Brothers, you and I, one and the same. We're different in our own ways, yet together we stand tall! And sisters, my sisters, look onward to the sky. A new day is approaching, so 'till then we must try…to live, to love, to battle every obstacle. There's no enemy too great, no fence we cannot climb. We are the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants!
(The actors gather in a group hug. Some of them are crying.)
Jackson/Mystique: Shamon! (Clap.) Hee-hee! (Michael Jackson does a double turn and grabs his crotch.) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Brotherhood: Together we stand!
Announcer: The Brotherhood directed by Martin Brest…Coming to theaters this summer. Don't miss it!
(Commercial ends.)
Toad: Awful! Bloody awful! There's just no way they could make this movie any worse than it already is!
(All of the real Brotherhood members are sitting on the couch watching the commercial. They all take their eyes off the TV and listen to Toad's rant.)
Toad: I mean, seriously! Martin Brest! That guy couldn't direct his way out of a paper bag!
Pietro: Now hold on a sec! Doesn't anybody remember Scent of a Woman? Now that was a very good movie!
Toad: Hello! Does Gigli ring a bell!
Pyro: Not to mention he completely messed up the cast. And I do not wear make-up by the way! (Pyro stuffs his lipstick back into his pocket.)
Toad: How so?
Juggernaut: Did you just see the guy playing me! He looked like he could have been blown away by the wind at any second!
Mystique: And Michael Jackson as me! He's not even the right gender!
Toad: Give a guy some credit, Mystique! I mean, think about it. He changed himself from a black boy to a white woman. People don't do that everyday, you know. But he can, just like you! Doesn't that count for something?
(Awkward silence.)
Mystique: ...Good point…
Wanda: Well, okay, what about you? (To Toad.) You have to admit Fabio is a little out of your league.
(Toad gives Wanda a long stare. There's much confusion in his eyes. Wanda couldn't help but want to shift further away from him, even though she was already as far away from him as possible.)
Toad: How so?
Wanda: Ugh! Forget it. Go get your cat supplies!
Toad: Yes ma'am!
(Toad gathers up Princess in his arms and hops away.)
Wanda: Some people are so stupid…