Changes in the Wind

Christmas in the Air

"I've decided to go home for Christmas."

Her announcement startled him, causing him to look up from the journal he had been engrossed in.

"What? Huh?" he asked, confused and stole a sideways glance at her. She was sitting on the couch beside him watching a movie with the sound on real low. He kept his eyes on her but she continued looking straight ahead, as if this announcement weren't anything important.

"I'm going to Louisiana for Christmas," she said once more, finally turning and meeting his gaze. He studied her, his brow knit in confusion. She had that same unreadable look in her eyes, the one that caused a rising discomfort in him.

"You're going home for a day or so during Christmas week, right?" he asked. This he knew. Still, he felt his anxiety begin to build as he awaited her answer. Calleigh had the entire week of Christmas off, while it was his year to work. The holiday schedule had been determined long before they became a couple and there was nothing either could do about it.

She told him awhile back that she'd be going home to Louisiana to visit family for a day, maybe two at most, during her time off and he'd been dreading it ever since. He figured she didn't invite him to come along because he was already scheduled to work and there was no one who would cover for him over the holidays. Sadly, crime didn't take the holidays off in Miami, not even Christmas day. Now he was beginning to wonder if that was the only reason she didn't ask him. Perhaps if he had tried, he might have been able to find someone to cover him for a day or so.

"Actually, no," she said, now dropping her gaze and avoiding his eyes. "I'm planning to leave right after work on the 23rd and stay until the 30th, my last day of vacation." He looked at her wide eyed as he listened. She glanced at him when she finished and met his eyes. Under his intent gaze, she hesitated, and then added quickly, "You know I haven't been back to Louisiana in quite some time and the whole family is going to be gathering there off and on during the week. It just makes sense for me to be there the entire time, that way I won't miss anyone."

Although he knew she hadn't been home in awhile and thought that this holiday break would be as good a time as any to make a quick trip, it was never supposed to be for her entire vacation. He wasn't looking forward to any time apart, but the idea of her being gone for a week threw him. It also meant she'd be gone for Christmas. She had made plans for the two of them and seemed excited about spending their first holiday together, he knew he was.

"That's a week. I thought you were only going for a day or so." He paused, but she said nothing, just bit down on her lip. "So you won't be here for Christmas?" he finally asked outright. But he didn't need to he already knew her answer. "I thought we were going to spend it together."

"But Tim, you'll be working," she said, as if that explained her decision.

"Yeah, but not every minute. I still thought we'd spend part of the day together. Open presents, make dinner and watch a Christmas movie, that's what we talked about. I was looking forward to it. I thought you were, too. And what about Delko? He's expecting us over for Christmas Eve dinner with his family. He invited us a couple weeks ago and we both said 'yes', remember?"

Her expression grew serious. "You're right. He did invite you and he did invite me, but we weren't going together," she said pointedly and looked away. What she wasn't saying was coming through loud and clear.

"We'd still both be there and we'd be together after," he tried, knowing as he spoke that this was a weak offering.

She looked at him then, or more accurately, looked through him with that way that she had, one that always left him feeling exposed. She didn't speak, but it appeared to him as if there was something on her mind, something she wanted to say, but thought better of it. She closed her eyes and bit down on her lip again, as if biting back her words. He wondered what it was she couldn't say to him. They didn't used to have this problem, or at least he didn't think so. Lately though, he felt her pulling back from him, just as he found he needed her more and more.

"I'm sorry I'll miss it. Eric's mother is such a good cook and it would've been a nice way to spend Christmas Eve. I'll call and let her know I won't be there. I'm sure you'll have a good time anyway," she offered quietly. He noticed that look in her eyes again, the one he'd been having so much trouble reading.

"What about Alexx's party? If you leave after work on the 23rd you'll miss it. Would you really do that?" he asked. It came as a shock that she would consider missing Alexx's annual Christmas party for friends and colleagues. Always well attended, anyone that went was treated like family. Since he almost never went to his folks for the holidays, Alexx's home was the next best thing and in some ways, it was actually better. It was the only part of the holidays Tim ever looked forward to. Well, until this year, that is. Having Calleigh in his life had changed everything for him, including his outlook on the whole holiday season. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he found he was actually looking forward to the holidays instead of dreading them. Until tonight, he thought she felt the same.

"I forgot about all about that," she said as the realization hit her. "I can't miss her party, she'd never forgive me and Christmas just wouldn't be the same."

"It wouldn't be the same without you, either," he said as he tried to imagine getting through the holidays without her and wondered why he couldn't tell her as much.

"Alexx plans this party all year long. I can't miss it," she said, brightening a bit. "So, I guess I'll see you there," she added offhandedly and then turned back to the movie. She hadn't said it in so many words, but he got the implication: she'd see him, but they wouldn't be together.

He picked up the journal he'd been reading, but found he no longer had any interest in it. Turning to the television, he tried to focus on the movie she was watching, but couldn't concentrate while his thoughts were spinning and the tension in the room was increasing. They sat quietly side by side, but they might as well have been in two different places.

"I'll miss you Calleigh," he said. "I'll miss you a lot while you're away," he added very softly.

She turned to face him and the surprise on her face was unmistakable. Clearly she wasn't expecting this admission from him. Should it be this unexpected, he wondered? Did she really not know what she meant to him, how lost he'd be in her absence?

Her features softened and she smiled at him, practically for the first time all evening. "I'll miss you, too. I'm sorry we won't get to spend Christmas together."

She meant it, he knew that and the tension dissipated some, but he still felt that distance between them. It was becoming a growing void that left him feeling very uneasy. He wanted things to go back to how they had been in the beginning of their relationship, when it had all been so easy. He just wasn't sure that was possible. The more he needed her in his life, the more uncomfortable he got with that feeling. Yet, being with her was the only time he felt truly comfortable and happy. Scared of how much he wanted her, he was equally scared of losing her. Stuck between those two diametric feelings was where he currently found himself and it wasn't very pleasant.

What was worse though, was the effect he was beginning to notice that his behavior had on Calleigh. Not only did she seem to be pulling back from him, but he sensed an underlying unhappiness in her as well. He was trying to remedy that, or at least he thought he was. Tonight, for instance he decided to bring his clothes with him so that he wouldn't have to rush off in the morning. She acted pleased, but she still seemed remote, not to mention more tired and less enthusiastic. Their relationship in general just felt off. And it certainly didn't help that in an effort to keep their personal and professional relationships separate, he still treated her with a detached indifference at work.

"Hey, you want to work on decorating that little tree of yours?" he asked, motioning with his head to the four and a half-foot tree in the corner of the room. She'd gotten it out of storage a couple of weeks earlier, along with boxes and boxes of decorations, but they just sat unopened near the room's entry. He managed to trip on them at least every other day. "I'll help," he offered, mindful of the fact that when she had asked him the first time, he had been busy doing some background research on a case that had been bugging him. He figured she'd just decorate without him, since it was something she enjoyed more than he did, but she hadn't. Now he wondered if she would at all and was also beginning to consider that maybe he played a part in her lack of enthusiasm.

"Nah," she said shaking her head.

"You know if you wait much longer, you'll be decorating for next Christmas," he teased, hoping to lighten the mood.

"I'll be leaving soon enough and I won't be here for Christmas, so I just figured, why bother," she responded with a shrug. He looked at her skeptically, his brow knit and his eyes narrowed.

"But Cal, you love Christmas and decorating and all that stuff," he said.

"I know. But things have been hectic at work and I guess I just haven't been in the mood," she said, carefully avoiding his eyes. "I'll get into the spirit of the holidays more when I get to Louisiana. I'm pretty tired. I think I'll turn in." She paused, thought a moment and then continued. "You know it's still pretty early, you can go out if you want. I know Eric was certainly interested in getting you out. Wasn't there some hot new club he was trying to talk you into? He seemed awfully excited about the prospect of the two of you hitting it."

He sighed heavily. That was an uncomfortable incident she was referring to. He had wondered if it was something they should talk about. The three were in the layout room and Eric was complaining that all Tim did was work or stay home with his journals. Eric claimed Tim never wanted to go out anymore. He then harassed him good naturedly about needing to find a woman. Eric, of course, knew just the place where Tim could find one to his liking. Calleigh pretended to ignore their conversation, but Tim got the sense it was making her very uncomfortable. It was definitely making him uncomfortable and he knew he was going to have to come clean with Eric sometime, probably sometime soon. He just wasn't ready to do it that moment, at work of all places.

"I don't want to go out with Eric," he said tersely. "I told him that earlier. You can't possibly think I'd even be interested in looking for women. He was just giving me a hard time. Ignore him."

She shrugged. "Suit yourself. I'm going to bed."

"Calleigh, do you want me to leave? Is that what you want?" he asked, afraid what her answer might be. "Because it doesn't seem like you want me here." It seemed to take forever for her to answer and all the while she kept her eyes trained on his, causing his earlier discomfort to resurface.

"No," she finally answered and shook her head, although he wondered if she had considered it. "You don't have to leave. I'm just tired, is all. Goodnight." She turned and walked out leaving him sitting on the couch feeling more confused than he had in a long time.

For a brief moment he considered going home, since she probably wouldn't care, but he would, so it wasn't an option. He tried reading again, but he couldn't concentrate. Picking up the remote, he flicked through the television channels, hoping to land on something that would divert his attention. Finally he gave up. Unable to sit still or focus on anything, there weren't many options left. Tired, but not sleepy, he decided to turn in anyway. He didn't expect her to be awake when he joined her in the bed, but at least they'd be together and that's what mattered most to him.

Hesitantly he climbed into the bed, careful not to disturb her and lightly rested his arm across her waist. Sleepily, she turned into him, causing him to roll onto his back. Head tucked under his chin, she wrapped one arm around him and left the other tucked by his side. Using his chest for a pillow, she nestled into him, murmuring something he couldn't quite make out. He wrapped his arms around her and dropped a kiss onto the top of her head. Lulled by the sound of her even breathing, he began to relax and allowed sleep to claim him.

For now at least, the distance had closed between them. Under the cover of darkness she had ceased her retreat.

tbc