Changes in the Wind
Leave No Trace
He found her alone in the ballistics lab, exactly where he expected her to be. He was happy to find her there and not someplace else in the building. The ballistics lab was secluded, away from the other labs and basically the only place that afforded the possibility of a moment of privacy. Although he generally never sought her out at work, he was hoping to have a minute with her now. She'd fallen asleep early last night and had gotten the first call out this morning. He'd had no real chance to talk to her so far today and he had a lot on his mind, most of it pertaining to her. Intently watching the screen, she seemed oblivious to his presence in the room.
"Hey," he called softly so as not to startle her. She turned at the sound of his voice and offered a weak, tired smile.
"Hey yourself. Do you have some bullets for me? It seems like everyone has bullets for me today, including some left for me, courtesy of the night shift," she said, sounding slightly hassled.
"No, nothing like that. You okay?" he asked, not hiding his concern. "You look tired."
"I'm fine. It's just eye strain, from staring at this screen the past two hours," she said peering at her watch. "What can I do for you? I thought you were done early today."
He nodded. "I am. I'm just waiting on some results. Thought I'd wander over here and see how you were doing."
"Oh," she said, sounding surprised.
"Actually, I wondered if you might like to meet me when you get through here today. We could go out to dinner and then do some Christmas shopping." Based on the look she was giving him, his offer was clearly was unexpected. His plan was to hopefully find his last gift for her, then tackle the remainder of his list with her help. "There's not much time left and I still have a fair amount of shopping to do," he said. He watched as her expression changed from surprise to something else entirely. This look he was quite familiar with and he didn't give her a chance to speak before he jumped in holding up his hands. "I know exactly what you're going to say. I shouldn't have waited till almost the last minute."
She laughed lightly and it warmed him to see her in slightly better spirits than she had been in last night. "Well, you have to admit three days before Christmas is getting to be last minute."
"I know, I know. But Cal, you know how much I hate shopping, not to mention that we've been pretty busy lately," he offered in defense. "And I never know what to get anyone." Never was that truer than this year when finding the perfect gift for her was still proving elusive. Unbeknownst to her, he'd been searching and shopping for her gifts for the past month.
"You should've come shopping with me when I asked you. I really wanted to do it together. I knew you were going to have trouble. We could've taken care of this when I did the bulk of my shopping on that last day off we had together."
He remembered that day and looking back, he wondered if that's not around the same time she started pulling back from him. She'd asked him several times to go Christmas shopping with her and he kept putting her off. She hadn't tried to hide her disappointment when he declined that last time. He'd been using all his free time to shop for her gift, but couldn't tell her. He assumed they'd have lots of time to shop together, but was proven wrong when they found themselves in the midst of a pre-holiday crime wave. Free time became scarce as they found themselves being pulled in different directions and often working opposing hours. During that stretch, they saw each other only late in the evenings.
It was also around that time that he started having a harder time dealing with her at work. She was assigned a high profile, dangerous case and although he knew intellectually that she was capable of taking care of herself, probably better than he was, he had a hard time keeping his concern restrained. It seemed the only way to do that, without burdening her with it, was to become detached, at least while they were working. On reflection, he could see that while it may have helped him to cope with his worries, it was in fact hurting their relationship, or more specifically, hurting her.
"I had things to do that day, but I do wish that I had gone with you because I really need your help with this. But mostly, I just want to see you. So what do you say? Meet me later? I'll make it worth your while," he asked hopefully.
Her smile faded. "Sorry Tim, I've got plans. There's a group of friends I get together with every year. We go out to dinner and swap gifts. Tonight's our night together. I know I told you about this. We've been planning it for awhile."
He nodded and dropped his gaze, sighing heavily. He did vaguely remember her telling him about some plans she had. "It's okay. I'll manage. I'll see you later though?"
She let out a breath and squirmed in her seat as she deliberated. "Well, the thing is, we usually make a late night of it," she said haltingly, suddenly looking sad and very far away.
He guessed that was her way of telling him that she didn't want to see him tonight. "Fine. Have a nice time then. I guess I'll just see you... whenever." He turned and started to walk out, but changed his mind and walked back over to her. Tentatively, he placed his hand on top of hers and started to speak, but was cut off by her abrupt change in expression and a familiar voice coming from the doorway.
"How are we coming on those bullets from the drive-by?" Horatio asked as he joined them in the room. Tim abruptly removed his hand and took that as he cue to leave, hastily mumbling that he was heading back to the trace lab. She called 'goodbye' after him and she sounded cheery enough, but he had seen the sadness in her eyes. That look in her eyes stayed with him long after he'd left for the day.
'That was close,' he thought to himself. It was all the more reason to keep his personal life separate from work. Nothing like having your boss walk in while you're having a tense moment with your girlfriend. He shuddered. Not that it seemed he'd be calling her his girlfriend for much longer by the looks of things lately. And that was pretty much what he was about to break down and ask her, at work of all places. In retrospect, it was neither the time nor the place for that discussion, but this growing void between them was beginning to take center stage in his head and he was having a hard time focusing on anything else. 'When will we talk?' he wondered. Unfortunately she was leaving for her trip soon and if they waited until she was back from vacation, it might be too late to repair the damage.
Walking back to the trace lab he made a concentrated effort to push her from his mind. His results were ready upon his return and all he had left to do for the day was check them over, then file his paperwork. Ridding his mind of her was certainly easier said than done. He was better off when he kept his personal life where it belonged, boxed away until he got home. But Calleigh and his feelings for her were proving impossible to keep boxed up, these days they spilled out all over the place. Finishing quickly, he dropped off his files and made a hasty exit from the building. This was the only time off he'd have for awhile and he had a lot to get accomplished. He never bothered to let her know he was leaving.
He knew exactly where he was headed and he made the drive in record time despite the growing traffic, thanks to his ability to weave in and out of the line of unmoving cars while maneuvering his Ducati. He'd been to most of the shops in this part of the city before, all in search of the perfect gift for Calleigh. He knew she liked these small out of the way boutiques, places he never knew existed before now. Perhaps today he'd find what had thus far proven elusive. He had Christmas gifts for her, lots of them in fact and some of which were probably very nice. None of them however were the 'right' gift. The problem was he wasn't exactly certain what it was he was looking for. He just knew he'd know it when he saw it.
Books, CD's, DVD's, those items were easy to choose because he knew what she liked. Clothes were trickier; he figured she'd probably return the few things he picked out. She looked nice in anything she wore, but he didn't feel very confident about his choices. He didn't trust his taste and wasn't certain she'd like anything he did or that they'd even fit. The whole size issue boggled him. He didn't know her size, so he was left to make haphazard guesses. The whole experience was one he didn't wish to repeat very often. Uncomfortable didn't begin to describe the experience of being alone in one of those places. Just remembering it now made him feel twitchy all over. But that paled in comparison to the lingerie store. Now there was a place he couldn't get out of quick enough. He walked in and out before he felt the first twitch, barely hazarding a glance at the shop's wares. He never did get the point of that stuff anyway. Personally he preferred her in nothing at all. Shopping for jewelry proved easier than shopping for clothing and was much more personal than books or movies, but even that was risky. He wasn't certain any of his choices was necessarily the 'right' one.
A couple more hours looking and he had nothing new to show for his time but a headache and a shopping list left to complete. He'd done as well Christmas shopping for his girlfriend as he was doing in their relationship. Feeling discouraged and still having a lot left to accomplish in not a lot of time, he called upon Delko to bail him out. Delko complied with one condition: Tim had to go out with him out later that evening. Having no girlfriend to spend his time with he acquiesced to his friend's request. It was probably better than staring at the walls and missing her, which is what he had planned.
Delko proved not much better at shopping than Tim, but between the two of them they tackled the remaining people on Tim's list. His buddy then dragged him off to another one of his favorite clubs, where he proceeded to quiz him about how he'd been spending his time the past few months. Tim managed to avoid most of the more pointed questions by either answering indirectly or changing the subject altogether. After a few beers, he actually wanted to tell Eric the truth, but was left wondering just how true it still was. All night he obsessively checked his cell phone for messages, which only served to further pique Delko's curiosity. Missing her more than he cared to admit, he called it a night and set off for his empty apartment. It took a concentrated effort to avoid turning onto the exit for her place instead of his.
Stumbling in the door after grabbing his mail, he made a beeline for the answering machine. Nothing. Not a single blinking red light, same as his cell phone. She didn't call and he never really expected her to. She had, after all, told him it would be a late night for her. And he wasn't dense; he could read between the lines. She had essentially told him she that didn't want to see him tonight.
Earlier today, when he walked out of her lab, he thought that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. With the recent tension between them, perhaps some time apart would do them good. They had spent virtually all of their nights together since the beginning of their relationship. Even on the rare evenings when one or both had plans, they still connected at night, anxious to see each other. It had become an unspoken expectation. Until tonight, that is. Tonight she had spoken and it wasn't to tell him she'd see him later.
Now he didn't know what to think. All he knew was that when he walked into his apartment, she was the only thing on his mind. He placed the mail on the counter and found the grocery list she had left for him. Tossing his jacket on the couch and plopping himself alongside it, he grabbed the remote off the coffee table knocking over her stack of decorating magazines in the process. He took in a deep breath before restacking them, chuckling at the lone issue of Guns and Ammo amongst the home and garden magazines. He knew he'd find T-shirts of hers in the bedroom and feminine products in his bathroom. She'd framed photos of the two of them and displayed them throughout the apartment. Everywhere he looked there were signs of her, in his home and in his life. From the M&M's she brought in large sized bags to the fluffy, new towels she made him purchase to replace his ancient ones. She wasn't here nearly as often as he was at her place, yet everywhere he looked her position in his life was evident.
The same, however, couldn't be said about her home. He'd left no signs of himself there, save the single toothbrush by the sink. Looking around his home now, he finally understood what that meant.
Calleigh had made it clear from the beginning that this was no fleeting, casual affair. She had given him a second chance after waiting around for months while he finally made up his mind about her. Everything she had done to this point, told him she was in it for the long haul. Excited about their relationship, she had been anxious to share the news with their friends, but he had dashed that. She had gone out of her way to make certain he felt as at home in her apartment as he did in his own, even going so far as to purchase a chess set so he could play whenever he wanted. Not to mention the fact that she had painstakingly spent hours learning the game so she could provide him with a little competition. He smiled to himself thinking about the first time they played together after he spent the evening teaching her the finer points of the game. Not that long ago, she had almost out maneuvered him. Well, she thought she had, till he surprised her at the end.
Now he wondered what message he had been giving her. He told no one about the relationship and treated her indifferently at work. How must that have felt to her? It was beginning to become clear to him now how he'd hurt her. And although he spent more time at her place than he did at his own, there was almost no evidence of him there, despite how welcome she'd made him. Was he unconsciously telling her that his presence was somehow fleeting or casual? If she was pulling back, could it be because he'd given her nothing to grasp onto? The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he'd managed to leave no trace of himself in her life.
None except the hurt he'd been seeing in her eyes. Now he knew that's what the unreadable look was, the one that caused a feeling of discomfort every time he saw it. It pained him now to know he'd put it there. She was all that mattered to him, yet he'd never even told her. He could no longer imagine his life without her in it. Wasn't it time she knew? He dropped his head in his hands, wondering what it was he had been so afraid of, because nothing felt quite as terrifying as the thought of losing her. The more he thought about her, the more he missed her. He'd give her the space she needed tonight, but tomorrow he was going to have to try to make things right. If only she would give him another chance.
All around him were signs of her, but it wasn't enough. She was missing, leaving emptiness in her place. It was going to be a long and lonely night. He was hopeless he knew it. Hopelessly in love that is and it was time she knew that.
tbc