Title: Butterfly Kisses

Author: Nina90

Rating: T

Classification: Grissom/Sara Romance

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI. Yes, it does make me cry at night.

Spoilers: Butterflied

Summary: Sara, Grissom, and the rest of the CSI team, race against time to stop a murderer/rapist, before he claims one of their own. Post Butterflied (Yes, I know it's kinda late.) GSR

Status: in production...lol

Chapter: 1

"It's sad, isn't it doc?" Gil Grissom asked Dr. Vincent Lurie, as he walked to the door of the interrogation room. "Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives." Gil leaned back in his chair, his eyes focused on the case file of Debbie Marlin that sat on the steel table in front of him. "The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves." Lurie stopped as he reached the door and turned to Gil. "We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years, we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of the sudden...we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up."

Gil's eyes became unfocused as he saw flashes of Debbie Marlin's last moments of her life, before Lurie murdered her. "Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her...but we have a big decision to make right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for to have her. I couldn't," Gil paused, as he looked up to Lurie, his eyes unfocused, and regret written all over his face."...But you did. You risked it all...and she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she?" Gil paused, letting his hand sit on the case file, and waited as if expecting an answer. "But then she took it all away and gave it to somebody else and you were lost. So you took her like. You killed both of them. And know you have nothing." Dr. Lurie nodded, hand still on the door handle, and then said,

"I'm still here." Gil tilted his head, and challenged back,

"Are you?" Dr. Lurie opened the door and walked out, followed by his lawyer. Gil lowered his head, in an ashamed manner. Jim Brass left silently, knowing his long time friend needed some time alone. Gil barely noticed his friend's absence, only the silence that left him to his thoughts. He looked from the floor to the folder of Debbie Marlin.

Sara Sidle clenched her teeth as she silently stared at Gil. She was standing on the other side of the two-way mirror looking into the interrogation room.

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'Did he really just say that?' She wondered, as she stared at the man. The man pulled her into his life, pushed her out, pulled her in, and was currently pushing her out again. The man who now did almost anything to avoid her. The man who had just admitted that he had wanted to spend his life with her. The man who just said he couldn't risk his job for her.

He had said she was beautiful, she had gotten butterflies in her stomach then, but it quickly turned to nausea when he said she wasn't worth the risk. So that's why he pushed her away, his job was more important than her? Or just more important than any other aspect in his life? Sara turned her head, unable to look at the man who showed so much regret.

She knew she shouldn't even have been there, she was supposed to be at home, at least pretending to get some sleep before her next shift. Sara didn't know what drawn her from her apartment to see Gil interview Lurie, it was either the fact she hadn't seen him in days, or she needed to know what was so important about this case. Yes, she had seen Debbie Marlin's body and she had seen some resemblance between them. But is that what made it so important?

'Probably not.' She told herself, trying to remember the last time they had said more than one word to each other that wasn't about the case. Sara physically shook her head, and looked down at her copy of the case file. She sighed angrily, not knowing if it was her anger towards herself for allowing herself to come see the interview, or the fact that Gil had said all that about himself to a complete stranger when she could barley get a full sentence from him.

"I didn't know you were here." Jim's voice said loudly, making her jump in surprise. "I don't think that Gil knows you're here either." Sara's dark brown eyes met Jim's.

"Yeah..." She said, quickly averting her eyes. "And I would really appreciate it if he didn't find out." Jim nodded, and walked so he was standing next to her, looking in on Gil.

"You should go home and get some rest. You look beat." Jim said, not taking his eyes off Gil. Sara nodded a fake smile on her lips. She lowered her head, worried that Jim would tell Gil that she was there.

"What a way to tell me that I need beauty sleep." Jim looked over to her and noticed her saddened expression.

"You're secret is safe with me." The corner of Sara's mouth lifted involuntary.

"Thanks." She said truthfully.

"No problem. But you better leave soon; it'll be harder to cover for you if he sees you here." Sara nodded, looking towards the interrogation room to be met by Gil's piercing blue eyes. She froze and her breathing stopped. Sara was surprised how vulnerable he looked. He looked so sad and so pitiful, Sara felt as if she was intruding on him by just looking into his eyes. She had to mentally remind herself that he couldn't see her. Sara felt a wave of sadness consume her, Gil looked so hopeless and it worried her.

"Sara?" Jim's voice asked. Sara nodded, and finally broke the eye contact.

"Bye." She said simply, then walked passed him to the hall.

The police station was pretty crowded; she absentmindedly found her way to the parking lot, bumping into a few people on the way. Her skin tingled as the bitter cold air reached her face, reminding her that it was January. She saw her breath as she made her way to her dark SUV, and pulled her long black coat tighter around her.

Inside her car she rested her head back against the headrest. She was physically and emotionally tired. Sara knew she couldn't handle this from Gil again, not again. She just wished he would understand that. She had told herself that she wouldn't cry anymore, no, she had promised herself that.

Sara wondered if Gil even knew what he did to her. Why did he make her feel like she was constantly waiting in line for a huge rollercoaster. When he constantly flirted with her, she felt so lightheaded. He made her feel so important. But when he ignored her, her heart broke and she felt so useless. Why did he affect her so much? Why couldn't she be like any other girl who was turned down? Why couldn't she just accept that he was not interested in her, and move on?

Sara took a deep breath, and then started the engine after deciding it was time to go. She drove back to her house with her head filled with questions. She was surprised when she realized she was already home. She walked in her small apartment and went straight for her bedroom, not bothering to change out of her clothes, and lied down, welcoming sleep.

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Gil exited the interrogation room almost twenty minutes later. He knew that he wouldn't get Lurie arrested for murdering Debbie Marlin and her boyfriend, but he was still very upset by it. He knew that they didn't have enough evidence, the lone hair, broken bracelet, and the fact that Lurie was left handed wasn't enough to even hold him behind bars for a while.

Gil sighed angrily, rubbing his hand over his beard in a restless manner. He was just about to exit the police station when a familiar voice stopped him.

"Hey, you going home to get some sleep?" Jim said, walking next to his friend.

"What?" Gil asked, not really paying attention to his friend. Jim sighed and stopped walking.

"I'll see you later." He said. Gil automatically replied,

"Bye, Jim." Gil walked to his car, barely noticing the bitter coldness of the air that surrounded him. He quickly turned on his engine and started driving back to his townhouse, while he remembered every word he had said to Lurie.

He had compared himself to Lurie, and they weren't that different from each other, were they? Well, except the fact that Lurie was a murderer. Otherwise they were alike, they both were high up in their careers that had happened by a lot of obsessing in that department, both were middle aged, and both are fascinated by a much younger employee-wait, were fascinated...were. But Lurie had done something about that, he had actually taken a risk, he had gone after something he had wanted. Gil knew he had wanted a relationship with a woman. But none of them seemed to work out.

When he took Terri Miller out, and it ended shortly after, because he found his work more interesting than her. He had also had a relationship with Lady Heather, but once again, work had ruined that one too, when she had become a murder suspect in an investigation.

Then there was Sara.

Sara. God, she was perfect. They both shared the same obsession. Work. She was also beautiful, intelligent, and so witty. Her mind had entranced him in a way that no other woman had before. Her voice had captivated him the first time he had heard it.

He remembered when he had first met her at an entomology seminar he had held at her college. She was so young and so curious. Sara had a mind full of questions that had made him wonder about her. He was almost overjoyed when she had visited him after the lecture. They had talked for so long, he was captivated by her. When he was leaving they had exchanged numbers and e-mail addresses, so they always kept in touch.

But the problem was always there.

He was much too old for her, and she only had a crush on him. Nothing that would last long term. He still wondered why, to this day, he had asked her to come to Las Vegas. He didn't know the same old crush would still be there. And it still surprised him. Even as she got older, he would still be much too old for her. She still had her whole life in front of her. If they were to somehow get together, one day she would wake up and realize that she didn't love him...

He shook the thoughts from his head. They were useless; nothing ever came from wishing and regretting. The world is the way it is for a reason. There's nothing he'd be able to do about it.

Gil was confused when he saw he was back at his townhouse. His lonely, empty, and cold townhouse.

He had wondered so many time what it would be like to come home, and have Sara waiting there for him. Or to fall asleep with her in his arms, and wake up the next mourning to see her beautiful face. Oh, how he wished that could happen.

But wondering and wishing never got anyone anywhere in life.

He exited his car and walked up to his house, and opened the door to find the house dark. He made his was to his bedroom with no difficulty, and lazily changed into his pajamas. Waiting for pure exhaustion to hit him.

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Sara rolled over in her sleep, as sweat droplets appeared on her forehead, the same terrible event reoccurring in her head.

A seven year old Sara emerged from her bedroom; her curious mind carried her down the small hall of the Bed and Breakfast that her parents owned. The silence almost rang in her ears, causing pain. She came to the end of the hall and followed the stairs down to the first floor. A smell filled her nose, it smelt strongly of copper. Sara came to the end of the hall; the white carpet was stained with a new color, a darker color that seemed to be giving off the strange odor. She turned the corner to a scene she'd never forget.

Her mother sat in their nicer living room, her white clothes covered in the same strange liquid; she was sobbing, and at her feet sat a knife that they had used that night to cut the meat at dinner. The copper smell was now overpowering, and it made her nostrils twitch.

Her mother looked up at her, reveling the familiar black and blue on her face. She was ghostly pale, and she looked so scared, it freighted Sara.

"Mom?" She questioned quietly at first, worried if she spoke too loud the silence around them would be lost. "Mommy?" She said louder, wanting to get her attention. Her mother stood up, and walked over to her making more of the dark red fluid visible and pulled her into a hug.

"It's over, baby." Her mother said, into her hair, and Sara felt the thick liquid sink threw her shirt. "It's all over, he can't hurt us anymore." Sara pulled away from her mother, finally pulling all the clues together.

"Where's Daddy?" She asked, growing worried. Her mother looked confused, and then a small smile crossed her lips.

"He's gone, honey, he won't hurt you anymore." Sara backed away, until she found herself in the kitchen. Her mother stared at her utterly confused. Sara kept backing away until a warm liquid touched her feet, she jumped around to see her father on the ground in a pool of blood. He had several holes in his chest, and as she stood there looking at him she saw the blood spread further and further from his body. Her eyes widened in shock, she quickly stepped out of the blood and ran back to her room. She slid inside the closet, and took comfort in the silence that surrounded her in the darkness.

She closed her eyes, tears falling out of them. Only to be found twenty minutes later by a police officer that had followed the small bloody footprints.

"Hey." He said, looking down on the small child covered in blood. He reached down and touched her arm, Sara's skin flinched. He had helped her out of the closet and down the stairs with a sad look on his face. Sara's eyes followed the small footprints that lead from her room, to the kitchen.

The officer put her in a police car, and showed her his radio. When she looked back at her house she saw her mother being lead out, still in the blood stained clothes, by an officer. She was in handcuffs.

Sara shot out of her dream sitting up, her eyes looking around the room to confirm that was what it was. She crashed back down, sighing loudly. She hadn't dreamt about her father's murder in years, she knew it had to be the stress that had brought the memory. Sara tried to blink it away, then quickly found out that it was useless.

She climbed out of her bed and made her way to her bathroom, and washed her face, waking herself up. She went back to her room and checked the time to see that if would be useless to go back to sleep, when she had to work in two hours.

Gil was overtaken by sleep rather quickly, his mind and body totally exhausted. But even in his dreams then Debbie Marlin case tormented him.

Gil stepped into the hall of Debbie Marlins house. His mind taking in every detail. How there was one set of footprints, that lead down the hall and back. The carpet looked extremely clean, and in the living room a bottle of wine sat unopened with two wine glasses by its side.

He kept moving and found himself in the bedroom, he flashed his flashlight around, noticing the nightgown that lay on the bed, and how the closet door was open.

The police officer had told him that the body was in the master bathroom, so he quickly made his was to the open door. The air smelt strongly of copper and cleanser. The bathroom light was one, making the bright white tile look immaculacy clean. The bathroom was almost as big as the bedroom, having a huge bathtub, then two sinks, and finally a shower. The glass was streaked with blood.

He took another step in to see the body of the 28 year old on her knees in the fetal position. He squatted down next to the body to get a closer look. When his flashlight shown on her face his heart stopped.

Sara Sidle looked back at him.

He blinked, to test his vision. The face didn't change, and he had to remind himself that she was outside, waiting for her assignment. He continued to look at her face. The face that he had fell in love with. But this wasn't her. His mind was playing tricks on him.

He looked into her eyes for confirmation, and expected to see the same happy glow that filled Sara's, but was met with eyes that were cold and empty.

Gil opened his eyes.

'It was just a dream.' He told himself, even though he knew that 'just a dream' would hardly sustain him. He knew that Sara was at her home, sleeping, and breathing.

Gil began to get angry with himself. Not only had this case bothered him during the day, but it also haunted his nights. He didn't know what he would do if it was Sara's body instead of Debbie's. His mind couldn't even bare to think of it. He knew he had pushed he away, assigning her perimeter. But he couldn't let her see the body, not like that at least. He knew Sara had seen it, did she see herself when she looked at Debbie's face?

Gil shook the thought from his head and saw on his clock that he had an hour before shift started.