Yay! A Roger chapter! I love to write Roger, it seems so much easier for some reason. Shout out to all my Adam Clan buddies! Which is like, three of you, but still. Anyone who wants to join the Adam Clan is welcome lol! Okay, I don't have much to say now so I suppose I shall write.
Keep in mind that this is placed after Roger and Mimi make that little eye contact on the balcony. But it's also before Light my Candle. Well, you'll catch on…
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Roger's POV Christmas Eve, 10pm
My fingers strum the guitar strings, randomly finding notes that seem to fit together. A song. A song to sing, that isn't gonna happen. I don't have the words in me. Maybe her. The quick glance got me thinking. I could barely see the color of her eyes, her hair, her skin. All I saw were her gleaming white teeth in the darkness of the night.
"I'm going to find Collins. Thought you might want to come. Maybe get some dinner afterwards." I look up from my guitar for only a second.
"Zoom in on my empty wallet." He smiles mischievously before commenting back.
"Touché." I'm ready for him to walk out, when he adds something. "Take your AZT." I sigh, knowing that he's right but I hardly want to admit it. I wanted so bad to get up and hug him before he left, it will probably be the last speck of warmth he feels for a while, but my guitar glues me down to the couch.
He's left, and I'm alone with my guitar. It seems too familiar. My fingers hit the chords just right, and my voice pounds out of my mouth.
"I'm writing one great song before I…" Die. The word refuses to hear itself. Lyrics are punching themselves out of me, but that word just won't give. Or maybe I just don't want it to.
My fingers hurt so damn bad, I can't even finish the little tune I've made up. I sit up and sigh, looking out at the moonlight flickering through the stars. Maybe I'll go up to the roof. Part of me hopes that she is there.
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Later that night
Her stash. She was perfect until those little words. My mind jumped in shock when I heard it. Although what did I expect? She was shaking, and she looked exhausted. I guess I was just denying the truth, even though I knew it.
Her eyes were so full of life, so bright in the moonlight. Nineteen. I wasn't even that young. A dancer, a teenager, a lady, a junkie. She was everything I didn't need. But everything I did.
I don't know what I'm thinking. Now that I finally have Mark this has to happen. She has to happen. Mark is good to me, he does everything that I don't deserve. And this is exactly why I don't deserve him. Because now I'm destine to fuck him up, just like he told me not to.
When he gets home, I try to hold myself back from telling him about her. But I can't. I want to tell the truth so bad.
"Hey." I whisper when he walks through the door.
"Hello." He reaches over to peck me on the mouth, and I catch a whiff of his scent. So sweet, yet so different from hers.
"Couldn't find Collins?"
"Nah. Couldn't write a song?" He looks over in the corner to where my guitar now sits. It looks lonely and betrayed. But I intend to play it tomorrow.
"Nope." He smiles slightly before resting on the couch next to me. "Someone visited while you were gone. A girl."
"Oh?" He looks intrigued yet threatened.
"Yea. She's a dancer. At the Cat scratch club." I mistakenly let a smile escape my lips, and at that second, all joy in Mark's eyes vanishes. He knows where this is going. Even when I don't.
"What's her name?" He looks down at his lap, and I can see a reflection of the moon in his tears.
"Mimi."
"I have to go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow. Get some sleep please. You look exhausted." He gets up quickly, leaving me saddened and feeling incredibly guilty.
"Mark, she…nothing happened." I grab his wrist and he looks back at me with care before slowly pulling it off.
"I don't care. Maybe things would be better if it did."
"What? But…"
"Roger. I'm tired. I just want to sleep, just let me go to bed."
"No! I can't let you leave angry at me."
"I'm not angry. I just knew this was coming along." I did too. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew something would pull us apart. Everything was too perfect to stay the same. It seemed too soon, too fast.
"What was?" I pretend to be oblivious, maybe he is thinking something completely different. Although I highly doubt it.
"You, and me. Ending."
"What? Mark! Who said we were ending? I met a girl from downstairs and immediately this is over?" Now I'm off the couch, moving closer to his body with every heated word pouring from my mouth and mind. "I thought you loved me. I guess now we know how long that lasts."
"I do love you. So maybe that means I should let you do what's best for yourself."
"And what's that?"
"To move on from the past. Start a new life, free of heroin."
"But that's it Mark. She's…she…" My head drops towards the floor but it feels like it's just collided. Losing Mark would be unbearable, I couldn't free myself from heroin after that.
"She's what?"
"She's a junkie." His eyes fill with tears, and he runs into his room, slamming the door angrily behind him. He wants what's best for me, and here I am, returning to the past.
After a long time debating with myself, I finally decided to follow after Mark. He sits in his room, face dug deep into his pillow to try to drown out the sobs crying from his mouth. It almost makes me cry, to see that I could do such a thing to him.
"Mark?" The noises stop, and he turns his head away from me to face the window. "Mark, I'm sorry." He sniffles and takes a deep breath. But I can hear the sound of his tears shaking his body.
"Just go away." He whispers, barely audible. I know he doesn't mean it. He wants me to come to him, and I do too.
"No, I…I'm so sorry. Hearing you cry because of me is just the worst thing…I never meant to hurt you." I run my hand over his back, as my voice also begins to break from tears.
"Roger, if you want out of this just tell me. She's probably better for you."
"That's not possible." Now balls of salty water are pouring out of my eyes like a waterfall, and I lay down to kiss his spine gently. "I love you…I love you…" I sneak in between kisses, but I still feel his body tense beneath my lips.
"Roger, please just leave." My eyes shut tight, cringing at the pain of losing him.
"Mark…I love you so much." I plead, but nothing will break him.
"I just can't anymore. There's too much that has gone on, too much that's going to go on. It's too hard for us to be together when there's her, and all this shit we've gone through."
"She doesn't matter, Mark! You are the only one…" He puts his fingers to my lips, and I expect a kiss. Something I will miss dreadfully.
"Shhh...don't say that. It only makes this harder on me." He leans his forehead into mine and I break into uncontrolled tears and shaking. I want his arms around me, holding me, comforting me, but now I know I will never have that again. "Roger, it's okay. Mimi is better for you. She can…you can help her too. She needs your help." How can he possibly be talking about Mimi? It seems like he doesn't care about me at all anymore.
"Mark, I can't help her. I couldn't even help myself. Look at me now. Without you I'm nothing." I can hardly get words to come from my blubbering, dry lips, but somehow I manage to make them understandable.
"That's not true. You didn't have me before and…"
"And I became a junkie. I got AIDS."
"I'm still here. I'm still you friend."
"I don't want a friend." I lightly push his body away from mine and my tears are finally able to stop. "I want you to love me." His eyes were never full of such hurt, pain and regret. Now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure what I want anymore. Who I want. I could help Mimi or I could live easily and happily with Mark until I…
I fall asleep in his arms for the last time. My head moves up and down with his slow, rhythmic breaths, and when I wake up during the night, I cry at the feel of him. It's fucking worse than withdrawal. I can't possibly live without Mark now that I've had him. He's still sound asleep, but I take my chance and kiss his mouth, part of me hoping he will wake up to return the kiss. When he doesn't, I slide back down to his chest, lay my head down and fall back asleep. Asleep in my own puddle of tears.
"Roger?" I hear from the kitchen and I softly lift out of the bed and walk to the kitchen. Coffee is ready in the pot, and I pick it up along with two mugs, and set them on the counter. The phone rings.
"We've got power." I say, noticing at last that it was shut off last night.
"Ah, Merry Christmas." He gives me a fatigued and melancholy look before sitting down on the chair in the living room.
We listen to a long, rather humorous message from Mark's parents before he walks over to drink coffee with me. But before he can, I see a message inscribed in the window.
X-Mas brunch Just us? MimiI laugh before looking awkwardly at Mark.
"It's the girl, downstairs."
"The dancer from the Cat Scratch club?" I nod, and read the message over and over again in my head. "You are going?" I shake my head and chuckle.
"No."
"Come on, Roger." Before he can give me a reason, or start another fight, we are interrupted by Collins coming through the door.
"Merry Christmas, bitches!" He yells, and for the first time since seeing Mimi, I am filled with joy. I watch as Collins and Mark embrace, and I try to seem cool and calm.
"Oh, hi." I studder.
"Oh, hi. After seven months?" He mocks and hugs, before pulling out an entire Christmas feast before our hungry, food deprivated eyes.
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Two hours later
I'm home alone now, if you don't count my mind as a person. I think you could too, considering I am fighting internally with myself. Mark has obviously given up all hope that we will ever be together again. And it's hard to say that I haven't done the same. Mimi is starting to look like a good option for me. But kissing her, feeling her hands on me, looking into her eyes is just going to be painful every time. All I will think about is Mark's lips, his hands and his eyes. I still love him. No matter how pissed I am.
Collins has found someone, so maybe I can too. I don't even know if they are together. But I can tell. He needs Angel.
I need Mark.
I need someone.
I need a song.
I need to think.
I need to feel.
Maybe all I need is Mimi.
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Notes: Just got back from seeing RENT again, and it just gets better everytime! I know that reference to Angel seemed a little like a desperate attempt just to slip her name in, but I'll mention her more later. Chapter ten coming soon! Maybe even tonight if you're lucky…