Changes in the Wind
To What End
A different parking lot, a different beach, a different time and he was forever changed. But the circumstances were entirely different on that night when he found himself straddling his bike, close enough to hear the waves, unwilling to stay, yet unable to go.
Wanting only to mount the bike and disappear, he's not sure why he's ended up at the beach tonight, but somehow it seems fitting. Straddling his bike, he's close enough to hear the waves, unwilling to leave, yet unable to stay. His goal may have been to put distance between them, but he managed to end up in the one place that will be forever imprinted with her and maybe that was what he wanted all along.
Leave the beach, leave the memories behind; sounds so simple, and it should be, he doesn't even like the beach that much, all that sand getting everywhere is a nuisance. He only ever went to the beach because of Calleigh, and for her he'd go anywhere. She never even had to ask, she'd just get that look in her eyes and smile, that's all it took. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her, nothing he wouldn't give her, except the one thing she needed from him, the one thing she should've been able to take for granted, and he let her down. For that he can't forgive himself and neither should she.
To make matters worse, not only did he fail to trust her, he'd also lost his temper, something he wasn't proud of. His words had been cruel and delivered with intention to hurt. Shamefully, he dropped his head and slumped further over the bike, feeling the weight of his mistakes square on his shoulders. He wasn't sure which was worse, but the look in her eyes wasn't an image he'd let go of any time soon. What she ever saw in him in the first place was a mystery, but clearly she deserved someone who would treat her with the trust and decency she deserved.
The wind coming off the water was icy and he shivered in his lightweight jacket. Absently, he drew his arms around his chest. The weather tonight called for a heavier jacket and a pair of gloves if he was going to be out on the bike for long, but his abrupt departure eliminated any forethought of temperature considerations. Now his outer self felt as cold and raw as his hollowed out insides did. There were a raft of emotions hitting him from all directions, but the stab of guilt cut deeper and featured more prominently.
Looking off towards the horizon, his thoughts turned back to Calleigh and that night he hesitantly joined her on the beach. It was nothing he planned and nothing he wanted. It wasn't his job to keep her company or to protect her if she wanted to walk alone on the beach at night, and he resented feeling as if he should, but what he truly resented was how she had gotten under his skin in such a short time. In his mind's eye, he could still see her, tiny and ethereal, all that golden hair swaying in the breeze as she ambled along the shore. Under his skin and into his heart, he'd fallen in love with her that night before the thought ever crossed his mind. How he felt now, though, was of no importance, he'd brought his anguish on himself; her feelings were all that mattered. Revving the engine, he took off without a backward glance, his beach days but a memory.
Standing in front of the door, he debated a moment using his key, but decided under the circumstances he ought to knock rather than let himself in. He rapped softly and heard her footfall almost immediately.
"Tim." Swallowing hard, he didn't know what to make of the surprise on her face as she stood staring from the behind the partly opened door. Was it surprise that he dare come back or surprise he knocked instead of using his key? "You don't have your key?" she asked, still looking at him wide-eyed.
"Can I come in?" he asked quietly. She dropped her head slightly as she nodded. Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the living room, but remained close to the door. "Are you okay?" he asked. Again, a nod was the response, but her red, puffy eyes told their own story. "What I said to you was…" he stopped and tried searching for the right word. "Cruel. Cruel and unfounded, and I don't know what's wrong with me that I would say such a thing to you. I am so sorry. I know you, Calleigh, I know the person you are and I know…" he hesitated, lowered his eyes and took another breath before continuing, "that you aren't capable of something like that. I know it, I always did, but I, I didn't trust you when I should've. I'm so sorry."
"Tim, I never would do such a thing and certainly never to you. I don't know how you could think that I would," she said in a choked voice.
"I know that Calleigh. Whatever was going on between us, I never should've doubted you."
"But you did," she said with a sadness that resonated deep within him.
"I know," he said, shaking his head, "I let you down. I shouldn't have accused you," he continued, unable to meet her teary eyes, not wanting to see the distress reflected in them. "Calleigh, whatever you take away from our time together, I need you to know that deep down, I knew it wasn't true. I knew that you wouldn't. That, and that I love you. That could never change. I'm so sorry about everything. The silence between them lengthened and his discomfort grew as neither made a move or even looked up at the other. "I should probably go now."
"Wait," she said, reaching a hand out and resting it lightly on his arm. "What are you saying? Are you just leaving?" she asked confused, her voice an octave higher. "You don't think we should talk?"
"Right now, I don't know what else to say," he said, shifting his weight restlessly.
"So you're just going to walk out? Again?" she asked, unable to hide her disbelief. He didn't answer. He didn't know how to answer. How could he stay when he hadn't trusted her the one time he should've? What did that say about him, about their relationship? Confusing thoughts ran rampant in his head because nothing was clear anymore. Where he needed order, there was none. "Then I guess there's no need for me to be standing here any longer," she said, her voice bitter and tinged with defiance. She turned on her heel and walked out of the living room without a backwards glance. Apparently, if he were going to walk out on her, she wasn't going to be around to witness it. To that end, he really couldn't blame her.
Numb from the cold and the reality of walking out on her twice in one evening, the drive to his former apartment was mercifully quick, helped along by the fact that he violated every posted speed limit along the way. The Ducati did nothing to protect him from the biting wind, but could always be counted on to get him where he needed to go in a hurry.
Fumbling for his keys, he finally managed to insert the correct one into his lock and enter the chilly, dark and lifeless apartment he vacated two months earlier. Grateful the landlord insisted the electricity remain on, he flicked the light switch and made his way over to the thermostat. It was colder inside than it was outside, but that may have been more a state of mind than an actuality.
Aside of his desk, all of his furniture was exactly where he left it, but the place was devoid of almost all of his personal effects. Sighing heavily, he wandered aimlessly around the apartment, not certain what he was looking for. An empty spot in the media center reminded him the stereo was at Calleigh's. The television was still here, but the cable had been disconnected when he moved out. That realization caused another prolonged sigh as he pondered how long before he could get hooked back up. Did that mean this was a permanent move?
Finding himself in his bedroom, he rested on the edge of the bed. He hadn't thought that far ahead, hadn't thought this through at all. His laptop and his computer were both at Calleigh's, along with almost all of his clothing, which would make dressing, not to mention showering, a challenging endeavor in the morning. This wasn't his home anymore. It wasn't his mailing address and it wasn't where he belonged, but it was where he currently found himself. Lying down on the bed, he didn't even bother removing his jacket or kicking off his boots. Loneliness settled over him as he closed his weary eyes and hoped something closely resembling sleep would soon claim him.
His sleep was restless, with dreams of endless walking through a desert, which probably had something to do with turning the heat up in the apartment and falling asleep fully clothed, wearing a jacket. Waking before the alarm, a fortunate turn of events since there wasn't one to set, two thoughts greeted him: Calleigh and coffee. One he'd have to do without till he could grab a cup on the way to work and the other, he had no idea how to do without. Rubbing his face with his hands, he put those thoughts out of his mind for there were more pressing matters to contend with, namely, a shower and shave.
Rummaging in the boxes set aside for the needy, he found a towel and his old electric razor, along with a shabby, striped button down shirt. It was clean; it would have to do. Now, if he were so lucky to find an old bar of soap left in the shower, he'd be thrilled.
Showered, dressed and ready for work, he grabbed his keys, locking the door behind him. Like it or not, this was home again, but was he here to stay?
He goal was to sneak into the trace lab, hoping to avoid any prying eyes that would pick up on his current state of distress, but Horatio called everyone into the layout room for a meeting, thus eliminating that possibility. His stomach clenched at the thought of facing Calleigh so soon after their abrupt separation, however, any tension he anticipated between them was nonexistent. The tension instead was located firmly between his shoulder blades. Exchanging passive greetings, Tim saw on Calleigh the same look of weary sadness that he also wore. Neither said a word to the others about their strained relationship, but the concerned and sympathetic looks he received for the rest of the day told him their secret was out.
It was late in the afternoon before he chanced her alone in the hallway. "Hi," he said very softly, barely meeting her eyes.
"Hi," she returned passively, forgoing any pretense of delight at their chance meeting.
"You okay?" he asked, looking at her warily.
"Fine," she answered brusquely. "Are you?" she asked after a pause, keeping her eyes on him.
His response required no thought. He shook his head. "No, not really." He heard her sigh, but didn't stick around for any more conversation. "I'll see you later."
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Partnered with Horatio, the two worked a car bombing in a high school parking lot. Their suspect in the chainsaw murders remained at large, which only served to increase Tim's now constant state of frustration with both his job and his life. He managed to avoid further encounters with Calleigh or unnecessary conversations about his love life with anyone, quite possibly the day's only bright spots. Relaxing on his comfortable couch and putting this day behind him were his only objectives for the evening, but a trip to the grocery store was unavoidable, given his empty fridge and pantry. When he finally made it back to his apartment at the end of a long day, he was armed with beer, instant coffee and take out, all the bachelor necessities, at least the ones he could easily fit in a backpack.
With no television, computer or stereo to keep him occupied, he was stuck with some journals he borrowed from the lab. Although not the optimal way to spend the evening, it wouldn't hurt to catch up on his reading and would probably go a long way towards putting him to sleep. As predicted, it wasn't long before his eyelids grew heavy, fatigue winning out over the dry forensics journals. The sound of persistent knocking startled him awake. It was a moment before he realized someone was at his door. There was only one person who would know to find him there and his stomach dipped at the thought of seeing her.
She hesitated a moment, uncertainty clouding her usual sunny expression, before offering him a weak smile and a greeting. "Hi."
"Hey," he said, stepping out of the way to let her in.
"I knew you left work, but you didn't come home and you haven't answered your phone. I figured you were here," she said as she walked into the room. "I brought you some things I thought you might need," she explained, her voice emotionless. She handed him a duffle bag he didn't recognize and gently dropped his laptop on the closest chair. "A clean shirt, so you don't have to rummage through your cast offs again tomorrow and some other necessities," she continued, having accurately read his confused expression, something she seemed to have a gift for.
"Thanks. You really didn't have to do that, but thank you. I shut the phone off when I left work, sorry." An awkward silence filled the air while his eyes darted around the room and he tried his best to ignore the bag in his hand. "You want something to drink? I have beer and water," he said, shifting his weight uncomfortably.
"No thanks," she said, shaking her head. "I wondered if maybe we could talk."
"Sure," he said and let out the breath he was holding. "Sit?" he asked motioning to the sofa. He followed her, dropping the bag to the floor and waiting till she was seated before taking the chair across from her. He didn't trust himself to sit any closer.
"I owe you an explanation," she hesitated, dropping her eyes, "about Atlanta."
"Yeah," he said, tensing at the memory. Atlanta, a city he hoped never to visit.
"That trip wasn't something I sought out, but when the opportunity fell in my lap, I didn't think twice, for professional reasons. As it got closer to the date, it felt more and more like a good time to take a couple days away. There were things on my mind and I thought the time away would help me sort through them. I wasn't trying to keep things from you Tim," she began, looking up from underneath her lashes, "but it's hard to explain something you don't understand yourself."
"You could've tried."
"You're right, and I should have. Can you let me try now?" She asked with such heartbreaking sincerity, he couldn't have denied her even if he wanted to and he nodded for her to continue. "But first, about that night and the phone call. I spoke with Liza, because I couldn't understand why Michael would say what he did to you on the phone. We had no plans to see each other in the morning, or any other time. In fact, I had been trying all day to get an earlier flight out of Atlanta. I don't know why he didn't wake me when you called. If Liza had still been in the room, she would've." She paused in her rambling then, as if still muddled by the turn of events. "The four of us went to dinner as planned, Liza, her sister Caroline, Michael and I. It was still early when we finished, so we decided to go to a bar near my hotel for a drink. The three of them wanted to go to another club, but I was tired, so I suggested going back to my hotel, because it had a little sitting area. That way we could keep visiting, or so I thought, but the drink I had at the bar was just too much for me on top of the one I had at dinner and I fell asleep shortly after we got to the room," she explained, sounding and looking embarrassed. "I fell asleep on the edge of the bed. Apparently, Liza tried to wake me, but I didn't budge, so she just decided to let me sleep. She set my alarm and covered me up. I never even got undressed. After that, they decided to call it a night as well. She and Caroline went down to the lobby to wait for Michael while he finished up a call on his cell phone. It wasn't more than five minutes before he joined them and he said nothing to them about you calling. They gave him a ride back to his car and that was it." She stopped to take a breath. While she had been talking she kept her eyes downcast, but now she transferred her gaze to him. "You called while he was still in my room. I never heard the phone and I never knew you called. That's the truth."
She looked at him with such sorrow and regret that it would have broken his heart if he hadn't already taken care of that himself. It had all been a misunderstanding. If only he had given her the benefit of the doubt, believed in her as he should have and not accused her something he knew she wasn't capable of, then neither would be as miserable as they plainly were, but he hadn't and he couldn't take it back. Lost in his own haze of regret, it took him a moment to realize she was talking again.
"Tim, I would never cheat. It was never even a consideration. I could never do something like that to you."
He swallowed hard, knowing there was little he could say. "I know that Calleigh and I'm sorry, truly sorry."
"But I understand now why you reacted the way you did. If I had called your hotel room late at night and some woman I didn't know answered, I may have thought the same thing and reacted the same way," she said, keeping her eyes locked on his.
"No Cal, you wouldn't have. You would've waited for an explanation," he said honestly.
"Well, we don't know how I would've reacted, because thankfully, you never put me in such a position. But I did and Tim, I'm so sorry," she said as her eyes brimmed with tears.
"You have nothing to apologize for. I shouldn't have doubted you," he said shaking his head. "And I shouldn't have accused you the way I did."
"But I think I put those doubts in your head," she said very softly. "I think you were just reacting to a perceived change in me. I was preoccupied before I left and I guess you knew that." It was a statement, but there was enough of a question in her eyes, that he answered anyway.
"Yeah, I knew you were someplace else in your head and I didn't know why. I thought we were okay."
"Things were okay."
"But they weren't, not really…" he said, letting his voice trail off.
"Everything was fine, but in the back of my mind, I started having these niggling doubts," she said, her eyes imploring his. "But not about you. This was never about you or how I feel about you, but about me. Relationships don't come easy to me, they never have. I've almost always walked away before anything or anyone got too serious," she said sadly.
"But Calleigh, we were living together, if that wasn't serious, I don't know what is. What are you trying to say here, that it was a mistake?" he asked, trying vainly to rein in his frustration.
"No, not at all. You aren't a mistake and neither is our relationship." Her words sounded certain, but he noticed she kept changing position on the couch, like she just couldn't find which suited her. Calleigh, who could sit quietly for hours studying bullet comparisons, couldn't seem to sit still today. A clear sign that all was still not right with her. "Things have always been different with you. From the beginning I felt different and I sensed that you did, too. That's why I never expected the doubts I've always had in the past, the ones that make me question my ability to give myself freely to a relationship, to crop up with you They make me want to freeze up and pull back when I feel myself starting to lose control."
"I had no idea what was going on with you, except that everything I did seemed to be the wrong thing. Maybe I just didn't see it because I didn't want to. You weren't supposed to be the one with doubts. You were the one who waited for me, who pushed us forward and who stuck around when I didn't know what I was doing, which turned out to be most of the time." That remark earned him the first genuine smile he had seen from her all day. It was nice to see, but probably short-lived. "I thought you were happy with me, with our relationship, but you went to Atlanta full of doubts, none of which you shared with me and looked up your old boyfriend. I don't get that Calleigh, I really don't understand what you were looking for."
"Michael and I dated for quite awhile when I lived in New Orleans, although it wasn't that serious until the last few months of our relationship. Once it got serious, the same thing happened that had always happened in the past, I pulled back. I never really understood why. I thought I loved him, I really did, so I just assumed it must be me, my inability to keep a relationship going. No other relationship after Michael was serious or lasted, not until you." She spoke very quietly as she sat with one leg tucked underneath her, the other swinging back and forth. Its constant motion provided him with something to focus on while he listened.
"And what does this have to do with us? Did you want out of our relationship and couldn't tell me?"
"No, not at all. But I started to worry there was something wrong with me when all my old fears about commitment and how people can hurt each other cropped up when I was happily committed in a relationship with you."
"Cal, I understand what scares you, I know what you grew up with." That she came with baggage was an understatement. He knew all about her sometimes crazy alcoholic mother and her sometimes violent alcoholic father and the emotional damage inflicted on her growing up in that environment. She had always been open and honest with him, had always trusted him; at least she had in the past, until now. "But what I don't understand, is why you didn't come to me when this started bothering you. Couldn't we have worked it out? What does it say about us when we can't talk to each other?"
"We can talk to each other, Tim. We're talking now."
"Yeah, a lot of good that does now. We couldn't talk to each other when we needed to. And I'm sorry, but I still don't understand why you had to see him," he admitted, unable to mask his jealousy.
"I guess I thought that looking at my past might help me avoid the same mistakes. The trip to Atlanta provided that opportunity and I decided to take advantage of it. But I never planned to see him alone Tim. It wasn't like that. Liza was always with us."
"I'm trying Calleigh, I want to understand, but I'm having a hard time."
"I always believed my relationship with Michael ended because of me, my failings, and it did, but not for the reasons I believed. It ended because he wasn't who I wanted to be with, I could see that now. It wasn't that I was incapable of a serious relationship, but that I didn't want one with him. I was never truly in love with him. I blamed myself for that failure for all the wrong reasons. Finding that out was freeing. I knew then that our relationship could follow its own course. I was no longer going to be burdened with my past."
"I don't know Calleigh, I'm glad seeing your ex helped you in some way that I obviously couldn't, but I don't know what that says about us." He couldn't help feeling hurt that she kept this from him. But hadn't he done the same thing in reverse?
"It wasn't that you couldn't, but a lot of things weren't clear to me till I stepped away from them. I was too close to you. I needed to be able to see things from a different perspective, but I didn't understand that at the time." Sitting now on the edge of the couch, she was leaning forward, elbows on her knees, extending herself to him at the same time he had pulled back into his chair.
"I had no idea," he said, shaking his head, never finishing his thought.
"Going to Atlanta was never about getting away from you, I have always been clear about how I feel about you and what I want, but there were some things I needed to figure out about myself. I wasn't trying to keep you in the dark."
"But you did just the same. I would've understood if you had given me a chance." He shook his head regretfully. Would he, he wondered? He didn't know, but he'd like to think he would. "I should've tried to talk to you, instead of hoping what was bothering you would just disappear."
"I wasn't ready to then. I think I would've just pushed you away until I was ready." A silence enveloped them as they retreated into their own thoughts. She broke the silence first in a soft voice that seemed to come from a long way off. "When I spoke with you on Saturday, all I wanted was to come home. I tried to get on an earlier flight. I was going to explain everything about how I was feeling when I got back from Atlanta…" Her voice trailed off, probably as she remembered their ugly confrontation instead. "I'm sorry Tim, I never meant to hurt you. I just thought I could handle this myself. I really believed we would be okay."
"It's not just you Cal, I knew something was going on with you and I never asked. I guess I just didn't want to know that you were unhappy."
"Tim, I'm not unhappy. I mean, I wasn't unhappy. I didn't want to let my doubts stop me from being happy." As she attempted to convince him of her happiness, she was on the verge of tears, an irony that wasn't lost on him. Their inability to talk to each other had hurt them both and it wasn't the first time, but it should be the last. Hurting her was the last thing he ever wanted and now, filled with a mixture of sadness and panic, his only desire is that it never happens again.
He got up off the chair and joined her on the couch. "I love you Calleigh," he said softly. "Those words meant nothing before you."
She looked up from beneath her lashes and he could see her eyes were filled with unshed tears. "I love you, too, Tim."
Sitting close enough to smell the familiar floral fragrance, he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. The scent of her unleashed a flood of overwhelming memories and he could almost feel her warm, smooth body beneath his. But a heartbeat away from laying claim to her, he got up, choosing instead to stand stiffly in front of where she sat. It would be to easy to end this right here and now by taking her into his arms, but it wouldn't reverse any of the damage they had done to each other.
"We tried, Calleigh, we both did. Maybe it's time to call it quits, while we still have feelings for each other, before we ruin whatever it is we have left between us," he said with rising discomfort, restlessly shifting his weight back and forth and having difficulty meeting her eyes.
Gracefully she moved off the couch and stood just in front of him, tipping her head to his, and waiting until she caught his gaze before she spoke. "And maybe we're not done trying. Maybe we need to see this through, to wherever it takes us, because we love each other."
Eyes locked, they stood in trancelike silence, so close that with the slightest forward motion his mouth would be on top of hers, savoring the soft fullness of her lips. He blinked and in that instant the spell was broken. She stepped back from him, looking uncertain, her eyes filled with questions to which he had no answers. Grabbing her purse, she was by the door and halfway out before she spoke. "Goodnight Tim." He opened his mouth but the door closed before anything came out.
Maybe we quit trying, maybe we keep trying. Each had suggested the opposite of the other. Essentially, they had canceled each other out. Where exactly did that leave them?
TBC