I don't really have much to say right now, I just got a sudden urge to write, so I am writing. Aren't ya glad? Well, that sounded kind of arrogant so I'm just going to write and shut up. XD
Disclaimer: Jonathan Larson's…he is my idol and my God.
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Roger's POV
"Mark, I'm leaving to see Mimi." I figure I will meet her outside after work, hopefully without her friends. They are all junkies, people I'd rather not hang out with.
"All right. I'll be here when you get back." He sits on the couch, eyes closed and barely moving.
"Aren't you going to kiss me good-bye?" I pout, and see one of his eyes open. Yet, he still refuses to leave his comfortable position.
"Mmm…too comfy and warm." He moans, hinting he wants me to come to him. I follow his order, drifting over to the couch and leaning my lips into his. "Roger, don't leave. Come lay here with me." The offer is too tempting, I almost consider it, but I have to find Mimi. I haven't seen her in a day, long enough for her to start using again.
"Ugh, Mark! Fuck I want to…." I begin to lie next to him when my brain forces me to move away. "No, I have to find Mimi." He giggles at my self-confusion and shuts his eyes again.
"Bye Roger." I look back to see him sitting up now, a look of longing in his eyes.
"Don't stare at me like that. I'm still gonna leave." I try my hardest not to look him in the face, I know he will persuade me to snuggle with him. Mimi has never had that kind of effect on me, she never makes me doubt my own decisions.
"Fine." He slouches back down, arms crossed over his chest in disappointment.
"See ya later, Marky." I say before grabbing the doorknob to shut the door.
"Fuck you. You know I hate it when you call…" I slam the door. I don't need to hear him complain about his pet name again.
It's getting pretty warm out, I don't even need to shove my hands into my pockets to warm them up. I let my fingers dangle at my sides, feeling the warm air glide through them. I look up to see the moon shining down on me, and finally spot the Cat Scratch Club. Mimi walks quickly out of the front door, and I begin to run up to her, when I see her head straight into an alley. Fuck.
My emotions catch hold, and I stop in my tracks. Do I want to know the truth? It will destroy me to know that she is using again. After all the shit I have done for her she doesn't give it up. I want to blame Mark for distracting me, but Mark has nothing to do with this. I'm just looking for someone to pin it on instead of myself.
Steps take themselves now, I feel totally out of control of my body. I move quicker, eventually reaching the end of the alley to see Mimi and another man. I almost wish she were fucking him instead of getting drugs. Then I see a small object being passed between their hands, money. I feel tears coming, but for once I'm able to hold them back. All I want to do now is scream at her.
She finally sees me, trying desperately to hide the bag of heroin behind her back. The attempt is pathetic, she knows I have already seen it. Screaming, crying, pleading, begging, refusing, yelling, apologizing, but nothing is good. Nothing seems to make sense. It all blends into a ball of chaos that neither of us can understand. All I know is that I'm betrayed.
"No! No!" She screams in my face as I chuck the little bag at her and storm angrily away. Anger doesn't even explain what I'm feeling. I want to kill her, but I want to know why she would do this to me.
I never want to turn around. I never want to see her face again, looking seductively at me. Those big brown eyes shining with love and pleasure. The only pleasure she gets is from heroin.
I walk around the city for a while, afraid to face Mark now. All I'm going to do when I get home is cry in his arms. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be that vulnerable. At least I know he is waiting for me when I get home, I have someone there, ready to hear all the shit that's wrong with me.
Why would she do this? I don't understand, I know it's all so painful, but she has me. Am I not enough for her? Then I realize I am doing the same thing to her. She would be thinking the same thing about me if she knew. Why would I betray her with Mark? Is she not good enough for me? It's an endless chain.
I can stop it all. I can break it off with Mark for good, and go back with Mimi to get her clean permanently. During my mourning period, I will help someone build strength. That doesn't sound like the best plan.
I finally make it back to the loft, every few seconds turning back. I don't know if I actually want to go inside or not. Confessing what all happened will force me to cry. Force me to break down into Mark's arms, but that wouldn't be that bad. Mark knows how to take care of me when I need it.
My hand turns the doorknob, and I see Mark, asleep on the sofa, in the same exact spot that I left him. Maybe I just shouldn't wake him to bother him with this stupid news. I'm sure it could just wait until tomorrow. So I slip my jacket off, wiping the tears gently away from my cheeks in case he does see me. I walk over to the couch and pick up Mark's light body. He doesn't even budge but just goes limp at my touch. I take him into the bedroom, removing his shoes and making myself comfortable next to him.
The sheets cover both of our bodies, and I grasp his hand in mine, looking for some support. Mark wraps his arms around me, still asleep, but conforming to me next to him. His grip makes me feel secure and I sink quickly into it. My head leans against his chest and I'm able to drift into a sleep, something I doubted I could ever do again. The look of Mimi, tears streaming down her face and pleading for forgiveness will forever be in my memory. I have learned to block out memories from my mind. I could still see the picture of April dead crystal clearly if I wanted to. Why I would want to is unknown to me.
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The next morning
My head aches like none other, pounding roughly and shooting sharp pains. I rub my temples once I'm able, but my hand has fallen asleep from lying on it last night. It tingles, and I wish Mark were awake to hold it like he always does. I cough lightly, hoping it will wake him up, and I succeed. His eyes blink open, squinting in the sunlight and then tenderly gazing at me.
"How the hell did I get into bed?" He sounds insanely tired, yawning half way through his sentence.
"You were asleep on the couch last night when I came back so I figured I should take you to bed." My lips find it difficult to curve into a smile, but somehow I manage to do it. I'm starting to doubt if I should ever tell him what happened.
"Oh, thanks. You didn't stay at Mimi's?" He looks excited at the thought that I chose him over Mimi.
"No, I don't know if I will be anytime soon either." That should give him the hint. It was a little too obvious.
"What? Why? Did you tell her about…"
"No…no." I shake my head and a brush of anger takes over my body, stirring deep in my stomach. I feel hate and heartbreak all merged into one big mess.
"What happened then?" He's getting frustrated with dancing around the truth, and I fight internally with myself about giving it up. I sigh, and let the words spill out of my mouth.
"I found Mimi buying heroin. I yelled at her, asking her why she would do it to herself again, why she would do it to me. She said she couldn't stop, it was too hard. So, I left. We broke up." My eyes are glued to the blue blanket covering our legs, and I feel Mark's gaze on me. His hand rises up to my chin, pulling me into his arms.
"I…I'm sorry. Are you okay?" My head rests against his chest, an area I've gotten fairly familiar with over time.
"Uh…I don't know. I'm so angry with her and with myself for not stopping her. She was leaning on me and I couldn't help her."
"She's the one who started it in the first place. Don't blame yourself for her weakness."
"But that's what I mean, I could have helped her through this. I don't know why she couldn't come to me when she was having a hard time." I run my finger over his stomach, thinking hard about why I was so unreliable. "Maybe I wasn't there enough. I was always…" I stop myself, realizing Mark is the reason I wasn't there.
"With me." He breaks from my grip, sliding himself out from under me. "See? Now I've fucked up Mimi as well. Why did I let myself get into this again?" He tugs at his hair, sitting at the end of the bed and facing towards the window.
"Mark." I crawl over to him, lying my arm around his shoulders and giving him a quick peck on the cheek. "This is not your fault. I'm sure she would have done it even if I had been there."
"Sure." His arms are crossed over his stomach, eyes turned away from me.
"I'm serious. This is about me and Mimi. Not you. You didn't do anything but be there for me when I needed you." He finally flips his head around to look me in the eyes. I see how much he longs for a kiss, but for some reason can't give it to him. When he leans forward, I get up off the bed. "I'm sorry." I take his hand and sit on heels. "I just can't. I'm sorry." My head drops down to lie on his lap, and my feet come out from under me.
"All right." He kisses the top of my head, his lips gently caressing the pounding still coming from my brain. The soothing helps, and I'm finally able to open my eyes without pain. He's a miracle worker. "Hospital today, right?" He lays his hand on my shoulder, pinching the fabric of the shirt I've been wearing for the past few days.
"Hope so. We just have to wait for Collins' call."
"Kay." He sighs, and we both secretly wish we didn't have to go. I don't think either of us wants to see how bad Angel is doing. Both of us don't want to admit this may be the last time we see her. I feel my stomach shake, and suddenly remember I probably need food of some sort. I forgot to eat dinner last night.
"Holy shit! I forgot we have cereal from Collins. Wanna eat?" I change the subject, away from Mimi and Angel. All the things we probably should talk about but don't have the willpower to.
"Umm…sure." He knows I will probably end up eating it all anyway. My real question should be do you want to come and watch me eat? "I think we need to stuff our faces now. With…one box of cereal." I get up off the floor and laugh at his tone, throwing my arm around his neck and digging my nose into his cheek.
"Did I mention that I love you today?" I whisper in his ear, kissing his jaw line softly.
"No." He says sadly, giving me a pout and asking for it.
"Well, I do." He begins to smile, when his lips return to a frown.
"You do what?" I can see a smile hiding in his lips; it's just waiting to burst out of him.
"Shut the fuck up. You know I love you."
"Oh." He looks confused, and then sneaks a kiss onto my mouth. "I love you too."
"Thanks. Smart ass." I slip in, and he pushes me into the chair at the table. A box of Cap'n Crunch sits lonely on top of the counter, and Mark reaches over to grab it. He collects spoons and bowls, salvaging the last clean ones we have. I think he might have gotten his out of the sink.
"I think someone needs to do dishes soon." He gives me a look, like I'm actually going to do the dishes.
"What? Me? When have I ever washed anything?" I pour some cereal into the bowl in front of me, picking some gunk off of my spoon. I'm starting to see his point.
"You could learn sometime." He looks down at the spoon I'm fondling with and attempts to grab it from me to help.
"Or you could just do them." I say matter-of-factly and he quickly grasps the spoon from my grip. He throws it swiftly into the sink, leaving me with my hands out in shock. "What the hell? I'm starving!"
"It's dirty. You don't know what the fuck that was. It could have been something gross."
"Who cares? Do we have another…" Before I can finish he whips a new spoon from a drawer, setting it carefully in my bowl. "Spoon. Thanks." I try not to look at him, I hate when he is right. I just stuff food into my mouth, savoring every inch of every piece. I've had cereal for an eternity it seems, but I eat it with pride whenever I can.
Mark watches me, and I stop midway through a bite to try to convince him to eat.
"You're skinnier than me. You should be eating this instead of me." I slide my bowl to him, placing my spoon in his hand.
"No, I was about to pour myself some. Take yours." I don't object, pulling the food right back to myself. It doesn't even take a minute before my mouth is chocked full once again. He watches me again, this time admiring, when the phone rings. It's probably Collins. "I'll get it. I think it's considered rude to answer with food in your mouth." His smile is warm, but once he reaches the phone I sense fear engulfing him.
"Hello?" He answers it, and his face lights up. "Hey Collins. So when are…" He stops, the light in his face vanishing. It's now completely white. I drop my spoon, sending a piece of cereal flying before walking slowly over to Mark. He buries his head in his hands, finding the right words. "All right…is there time for us to…" His mouth is left wide open, obviously being interrupted. My stomach churns and twists, expecting the worst. "Okay." His voice is small and soft, cracking and afraid.
"Oh God, Angel." I whisper, and his eyes meet mine. I can see the grief lurking deep inside them.
"Okay. In a couple days? Well…where? Are you okay? You're sure? Yea, you can." I hear a continuous line of questions and answers, none of them making any sense to me. "All right. Bye. I'm so sorry Collins." Oh shit.
"Mark? Please don't say what I think you will. Please." He hangs up the phone as slow as possible. My heart pounds deeply in my chest, and my headache returns with haste. I can tell she is gone.
"Angel…we're too late. It happened last night. Oh God Roger, what are we going to do?" I can't concentrate. My world has collapsed. The walls are closing in around me, and I feel constricted. I take a step back from Mark, but fall into his arms instead. Into the nook I seem to now live in. Our tears mix together, and it's impossible to tell who is shaking. Everything is so insignificant now, we just let it all happen. Angel was our world, our lives, no matter how much we wouldn't admit it. She was quite possibly the only thing holding our group together.
"Mark…she's gone? How? She was just sick! I don't get…"
"Shhh…" He interrupts me before I break into a frenzy of anger and depression. I don't think I've been this confused since April's death. It's like living the whole thing over again. I can't do this again. I can't stay in the house for another six months, helpless and leaning on Mark. I have to get away.
"I can't stay here Mark. This is all too familiar." I feel his embrace let up, and get up to face him. There are huge dark circles underneath his eyes from tears, and I see the lines they made.
"What?"
"I have to leave."
"We could take a walk or…"
"No! Mark! I have to leave New York. I can't stand this fuckin' drama anymore." The look in his eyes is pure anguish. I can't believe I'm leaving him at the hardest time in his life, but I have to go. I won't survive if I stay. Even Mark can't get me through all this shit.
"What? But…we…what about us? About everyone here?" He sniffles, looking desperately for my reasoning.
"I don't know. Maybe I'll be back. Maybe not. I just can't take this. It's too much. New York is just filled with all this bad shit and I'm sick of it." Now I'm filled with bitterness, and leaving him isn't seeming so hard anymore. I've distanced myself from all the things I once loved. It's easy to do after you lose something you love.
"How can you leave now? You're just going to forget about us? About Mimi? And Angel…"
"I'm not forgetting anyone! If you want me to stay here and die then I will. Just tell me, and I'll stay."
"I…" He stutters and my insides twist into a ball of confusion. "I don't want you to leave. But…if you can't stay here then, maybe you need some time away." I see the hurt he feels, and I feel it too. Leaving him will be hard, but so will staying. "Angel's funeral is in a few days. Halloween." His voice cracks through every word.
"Mark." My hand hovers over him, unable to touch him for some reason.
"Yea?" He refuses to look at me, and I know why. Looking into his eyes when I leave will be impossible too. He is the reason I got this far, and I'm abandoning him.
"I never meant to hurt you."
"Then why do you keep doing it?" His face snaps towards mine, and I lean my forehead against his. With a firm grip I grasp onto his collar, fighting back tears even though I should just let them go.
"I love you, Mark! This is just too hard." I feel hands on my face, pulling me closer to him, making our bodies parallel. The passion between us is rough, wanting and sad.
"Please, don't go. I can't live without you."
"I have to." Tears and screams fly from our emotion tattered souls, longing for some kind of contact showing each other we still love one another. I force him into a hug, feeling him resisting as soon as it begins.
"Stop it! You don't love me or you wouldn't do this!"
"Mark…"
"No, don't try to explain yourself. Just tell me the fuckin' truth for once Roger!" He's left the floor, now on his feet, while I kneel, vulnerable below him.
"I love you! But not enough to let you take care of me until I die. I can't just wither away in your arms like I'm weak. I need to experience other things." I stand, backing quickly away from being anywhere near Mark. "I need to see other things in the world than your chest shaking from my sobs. I can't take this endless repetition anymore. Some shit happens, and I come crying to you. That's how it's been for the last year, and it's not going to be that way for the rest of my life!" My mouth closes, and my fingers rise to cover it. That was the full truth. Everything that I've wanted to say but somehow couldn't over this whole time. That's why I'm leaving, that's why I'm distant sometimes.
Mark's eyes widen and he falls back onto the bed. His cheeks are bright red, and he stutters in shock.
"I had no idea…I'm sorry." He manages to whimper out, laying his hands over his face and sighing deeply. "Maybe you should just leave me alone for a while."
"No, Mark. I don't want to leave unless you understand."
"I understand. Just please leave." I hear his voice breaking, and I know he wants me to leave so he can cry. But if he cries, I want him to cry with me.
"Mark. Please don't be mad."
"Would you be mad if I were leaving, and you would never see me again?"
"You're going to see me again. I promise. Plus I'm not leaving right now. We have some time together."
"It sounds like you want to end it."
"I didn't say that."
"But it's what you want."
"No." I snap back. I don't want to end it. But I also can't stay with him here. If only he could come with me. "I'll always love you. Just remember. I just can't…"
"I know." He buries his head in his pillow, and I sneak over next to him. My hand rubs his back softly, trying to soothe him. My body leans down to cover his, kissing his ear smoothly with my lips.
"Don't give up on us Mark." He turns his face towards me and his eyes tell me that he loves me. That gives me the strength to wake up everyday. The strength to go on. Then why can't it give me the strength to stay with Mark?
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Notes: That was quite long I know. Kinda depressing too…was it too sappy and emotional? Be truthful. Keep reviewing I love 'em!