I should be working on my English paper but I'm not to make you happy. Or really because working on homework would be no fun. And I want to write about Marky and Roger. So here goes…here goes…here goes…here goes…here goes…OKAY I'm totally done! XD hope ya like it!

--------------- -----------------

Roger's POV

My back firmly presses against the concrete of the wall as I randomly strum chords on my guitar. People pass by every second, but I'm unable to pay any attention. All that fills my mind is New York, Mimi and Mark. Leaving was stupid, selfish and cruel, but that's me. That's what I am when the slightest bit of fear sets into my mind. I shut myself off from the world as if it doesn't exist. Even when I was staring into Mimi's dimming eyes, I couldn't find the strength to take her back. Alone I can sort things out. I can decide what I really want to do.

Mark doesn't want me back, and I've begun to give up on us. There's no point to it anymore. Except that I love him, but apparently that's not enough. Love doesn't matter if someone is dying in Mark's world. Love can be put on hold. Mimi needs my help, therefore I can't love him. So all I need to think about is Mimi. I'm trying to find my love for her. To find my song for her. To find my purpose. How can I do that when all I can find in my thoughts is Mark? He won't want me back now. He made it pretty clear several times that we aren't right for each other. But the real reason we are both afraid to be together is because we know we won't be accepted. We are different. Different is not all right.

Mimi is right for me. I do love her, just not like I should. Something is missing that is there with Mark. Mimi is not over her reckless phase, a phase I passed with withdrawal. But she just can't seem to drop it. Not even for me. I can see the need in her eyes every time I close mine. I long to hold her, to help her get over this affliction that only Mark could get me through. Mark was right; I'm the only one who can help Mimi. Without me, she is lost. I was to say I'm lost without her, but it's not true.

I hear my song echoing in my mind and I itch to write it down. Eyes. Mimi. Moonlight. Distance. Her eyes. Hold her. My eyes. Just words bouncing in my head or do they have meaning? Confusion is an understatement for me right now. Mark isn't an option, yet I still consider him one. I'm only making myself troubled. Mimi is my only choice. Mimi.

Now I long to get home, so see Ma…Mimi smiling up at me, to sing her my song. The song I couldn't write. I wrote songs, but embarrassment kept it inside. Mark and I never wanted anyone to know about us. It killed us in the end.

A man hands me a bus ticket and I casually throw my cigarette to the ground before boarding. My notebook shakes with the bumps as I attempt to scratch out words and letters to replace them with new ones. I feel insecure, unable to focus. All I can think about is how I could be home, singing one of Mark's songs to him while everyone listens. When I'm done I reach over to kiss him lightly on the lips, smiling while a red blush overcomes my skin. Everyone would know he's mine. Everyone would feel wound together again. That image will never be a memory. Now I have to focus on Mimi's song.

The bus stops at last, after an eternity of bumpy roads and detours. All the while I tried to write legibly, scribbling down every thought in my mind that pertains to Mimi or music. I'm filled with excitement and anticipation. I was gone for such a short time, but it seemed to crawl slowly by. My feet take me down the street faster than I can comprehend. My guitar is carried by hand, sliding back and forth in my grip. When I finally approach the door, I take in a deep gulp of air. To my dismay, Mark isn't in the loft. But his camera is. Where the fuck did he go without his camera?

I look around and see film strung out all over the room, boxes of cereal filling the garbage next to an empty chair. I assume Mark sat there when he worked. His bedroom is also empty, the sheets crazily messed up. I can tell he hasn't been sleeping well, as his pillows are on the ground. Mark can never sleep without his pillow cushioning his head.

After checking the whole loft, my gut feeling leads me to him. The roof. I open another door, and almost run to see him. He stands frustrated at the edge, but when our eyes meet. I see the anguish disappear. All of my confusion melts off, thrown away for the moment.

He runs into my arms, and I can finally feel his body embraced with mine. It feels so damn perfect. His breath is warm on my neck, better than the cold wind. We break after a few seconds, but I hesitate to let him go. This gives me an excuse to touch him, after our hug I won't be able to make contact with him anymore.

"You're back!" He yells in excitement and I nod and smile.

"Yea. I missed…home." I whisper, stopping myself from saying his name. From saying I missed him.

"I missed you too." I look up into his eyes and smirk. He said what I wanted to say.

"Well, I'm here now. Let's go back to the loft, it's fuckin windy up here." He laughs and grasps my shoulder, pulling me inside with him.

"How was Santa Fe?" I hear the fear in his voice. What does he think? I'm going back? I'm leaving him again? Never.

"All right. It was…different. I was all by myself. Alone with my thoughts." I take off my jacket as we step into the loft, and Mark sets the keys down on the counter.

"I thought that's why you left. To think."

"Well, I did. But I guess I didn't need that much time. I belong here." He nods slightly, and I fight the urge to lean forward into his lips. I know he will push me away from him, a reaction I could never recover from.

"Did you finish your song?" He asks, moving over to his camera to fiddle with some film.

"Did you finish your movie?" I turn it back to him, and he looks at me, uneasy.

"Pretty much. Sure. I just need to do some fine tune-ups."

"Me too." We both smile, our lips curving into fake signs of happiness. I get the feeling that I'm not the only one who wants us together. I have to stop thinking of Mark that way now. I came back to be with Mimi, not Mark. "Have you seen Mimi lately?"

"No, not really." His eyes fill with disappointment, and move down to the camera instead of me. Talking about Mimi always makes for an awkward moment. "I don't think anyone has."

"Oh."

"I mean, she was in rehab for a while. Then, she stopped coming to Life Support and I don't know if she is still in rehab. Or work for that matter. I haven't really talked to anyone much though. Collins left and I've been working so much lately." He hesitates on his last thought, no doubt my words got to him. Mark has got his work. They say Mark lives for his work. And Mark's in love with his work. Mark hides in his work. These words I regret every time I think about them. Mark was telling me the right thing to do, but instead of listening, I hurt him.

"I'll go looking for her tomorrow maybe. I want to get settled in today." I walk slowly to my room, and see my bag lying on the bed. While I unpack, I feel Mark's eyes on my neck. But I don't want to turn around. I am afraid of what he will say. I'm afraid of what might spill out of my mouth.

"Do you want something to eat or…"

"Not really. I'm not hungry now." My mind races with thoughts. I thought this would go away once I got back, and once I finally saw Mark again. I guess I was wrong. I feel horrible that Mimi is not all I'm thinking about. She is lost, yet Mark still fills my mind. I'm sure she is fine. Mark is probably exaggerating.

"Okay. Well, just lemme know if you are." He eventually leaves, but I still feel like he's watching me somehow. Why is he all of a sudden worried about if I want food? I doubt we even have any. Did Mark start shitting money while I was gone?

When I finally come into the living room I see Mark at his camera again, trying to organize his thoughts into a complete film. I can't wait to see it, all of his hard work finally in front of me.

"Hey." I say, looking over his shoulder at what he's doing. He shrugs back into me, making contact with my chest. We look awkwardly at each other, and he moves away slowly.

"Hey. Uhh…you want food or what?" His body language says he's uncomfortable, but the feeling of our bodies together was the only sane moment I have experienced in a while.

"Nah, I just finished packing so I figured I would come out and see what you're up to." My fingers play gently with a knob on his camera, and his eyes stare intently at me.

"Just finishing…" He stops when something beneath my hand snaps, and I jump away quickly.

"Shit! Sorry! What did I do?" My eyes bug out in fear, and I feel like I've completely screwed everything up.

"No, it's okay. It's nothing important." He picks his equipment up and carefully reaches for my hand. I let him take it, but try not to focus on the feel of his skin on mine. He puts my fingers to the part I broke, pushing it down so I can feel what I did. "See? You feel that?" He looks up at me, a wide yet cautious smile dancing on his lips. Pride seems to overcome him whenever he can share his work. "You just snapped it out of place." A click sounds from the metal object, and I feel it go back in place.

"Oh yea, I feel it." I sigh, and our hands lift off of the camera. Mark tries to pull them apart, when he realizes I can't. I just need this one thing, just for this moment. Our fingers wrap around each other, and hear a barely audible moan escape his lips. His eyes shut, and I press our palms together.

Our hands touch lightly with our fingers spread out. Mine are slightly longer, and he runs his down my entire hand. Goosebumps overcome my body and my eyes shut along with his. It's odd how much pleasure we get when only our hands are making contact. But I feel our minds connect too. Until he breaks it.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, pulling away from my hand and massaging at the back of his neck. "I just…I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again and…" The words sting my heart. I think it was better when I didn't know what Mark was thinking.

"I didn't mean to…I just couldn't let go." I laugh awkwardly in an attempt to make the situation lighter, but Mark remains silent.

"I don't want to get into all that again."

"Get into what?" I try to act like I don't know what's going on when in reality I don't want to know.

"This…whole thing. How many fuckin' times do I have to tell you that Mimi is…"

"Better. I know. I came back for her. Jesus Mark." I act bitter and storm into my room, slamming the door behind me. I tried to pass it off as if Mark was imagining our connection. It's hard to lie to him. I had to do it so often when I started using, and now I'm back in the same place. Lying seems to be my specialty. I've gotten better over the years.

I hear a light knock on my door and hesitate before answering it. Mark stands there; camera in hand and an unsure look on his face.

"I'm sorry. I just thought that you…"

"You shouldn't assume I want you back." I interrupt him, in my attempt to sound like the better person. My voice is cold and cruel, when all I really want is to fall into his arms and confess my undying love.

"Want me back? Did I ask for you back?"

"No, that's not what I meant…I just…uch..nevermind." I begin to shut the door again when I feel Mark's hand pushing it back towards me.

"Stop Roger. Stop being so ignorant."

"I'm not!" He gives me a look that convinces me I am.

"We just need to move past this right? Just pretend it never happened?"

"I suppose. If that's what you want."

"It's what I want." His eyes well with tears, and he finally lets me close the door. I know it's not really what he wants. He wants the same thing as me. He wants us together, and Mimi with someone else. But that's not how things are going to turn out. Life isn't fair like that, something that took me a while to learn.

I fall down on the cushiony mattress of my bed, bouncing lightly up and down on it. My eyes stare up at the ceiling, and I take time in closing them. In the darkness of my mind I see Mark lying next to me, smiling up at me. I'm warm at last, after hours of being freezing cold.

A shiver jolts through my body and I feel his hand come up to my face. I can almost sense it there. When my eyes rise open, I almost expect to see Mark in my arms. But it was all an image in my brain. Or rather, an image in my heart.

I guess I should just be thankful that I ever had Mark. Now it's time for Mimi. If I can find her.

-------------------------------

Don't have much to say except that I have a chapter in mind that I really want to get to! But I will try to make the chapters leading to it worth reading. Does it feel like I'm dragging it all out? Like emotion, emotion, sappy, fluff, emotion? Tell the truth and I shall appreciate it! Thanks much guys!