A/N: Yay for me! Now that my big English paper is over and done with, I have time to work on all three of my stories! Yippee for writing! Now, this is the chapter I have wanted to write for about two weeks now, so I really hope you enjoy it. I love the reviews so much! Thank you all…I love 'em.
Disclaimer: Rent is Jonathan Larson's and Every Time Around, the song, is Adam Pascal. I did change one little word, but it's all good. It makes it more fitting to the story. Other than that, it's all theirs. I have nothing to do with it, other than putting them in here. Nothing. Not mine. Nope. Nada. Rien. You get the idea.
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Roger's POV
"Come on, Roger!" Mimi pleads, stroking her thumb along the side of my face. Mark always used that touch to make me shiver, to get me to kiss him. Mimi uses it to pry something out of me. It doesn't work as well.
"No, Mimi…just let it go." I try to let the subject drop, but I know she'll never let it go. It's no use trying to correct my slip. My feet swing back and forth, hanging off the couch. Mimi sits with her legs sprawled out across my lap, as she flexibly leans her head on my shoulder. I have no clue how she can stretch her body like that.
"Roger, it's your music. Even if you think it's horrible, it's probably beautiful." Her eyes stare up at me with their weakness drawing me out. "Just let me hear it. Please?"
"Nah, I don't even know why you'd want to."
"Because it's part of you I want to know more about. Baby, please!" She looks about to cry, and I'm about to give in. I contemplate whether Mimi would figure out the song is really for Mark. Chances are she wouldn't, but I don't want to risk it. There is no point in telling her about something that only remains in my mind. Mark and I are over, despite my constant need for him. Then again, I could just change that one little word. Just to make it seem like it's for her. Guilt overcomes my mind, and I realize that it's necessary if she's going to drag the song out of me. All I have to do is sing one word differently. Just one word. I can get through it. My mouth slowly opens, when Mark barges through the door.
"Hey!" I exclaim, excited that he got me out of the situation. "Where have you been?"
"Uh…nowhere special. Why?" He looks confused, and I don't blame him. Mimi just sighs from her failure and brings her knees to her chest, hugging them tightly.
"No reason. I was just wondering." I smile, and for once, he genuinely smiles back. But when our eyes meet deeply, both of our smiles fade away. Everything around seems to slowly disappear, even Mimi. For that one second, Mark is my entire world.
"He's just trying to change the subject." Mimi cuts off our connection, and I blink the room into sight. "He won't sing me his song." She adds, and I shoot her an irritated look.
"Oh. Which song?" He asks, also disoriented, but curious. He probably knows that I've only written one song for Mimi. The rest are for him.
"It's not important. I'm not playing it anyway." I try to end the conversation, but Mimi is persistent.
"You're always playing around the loft, why can't you just sing me this one song?"
"Yea, Rog, just make her happy." Now she has Mark begging me too. God knows I can't resist Mark. That is my problem.
"Guys, just fucking let it go! It's not gonna happen. It's not good and that's final." I decide to be stubborn, and get up to look in the fridge for leftovers of the huge breakfast a few days ago. Mimi follows me with her eyes before clenching her teeth in anger.
"Roger! Don't be such an asshole!" She's fed up now, and Mark runs across the room to fetch my guitar. Usually I don't let people touch my guitar, but I suppose if anyone should, it's Mark. I reluctantly take it from him, and he smiles sadly at me. He does know it's his song. He does know I want him back. Maybe I shouldn't change the lyrics. Maybe I should just let Mimi figure it out by herself.
I take in a huge breath, and position my fingers on the strings. Fear takes my body under into a whirlpool of nerves. I can't believe what I'm about to do. Nothing can prepare me. I can barely keep my body still from paranoia. Everything is going to change.
"Yay! Roger's playing!" Mimi screeches when she sees me preparing to start.
"Y…yep." I whisper, breathing heavily and trying to focus my mind on the song.
"Okay, when did ya write this one hun?" Mimi asks, and I sigh. That is the question I dread. She has to ask the question that I want to avoid. My mind races, and I finally come up with an answer.
"Uh…it was when I was leaving for Santa Fe. We weren't together." I didn't lie. I did write it before Santa Fe. She just doesn't know the whole story.
"All right, play it then." She's so impatient, twiddling her fingers every few seconds. Mark stares cautiously at me in fear, and I hope he's okay with me going on. I have to do this for all of us. Finally I'm going to tell the truth.
"Okay." I sigh, and close my eyes to start. Here goes.
"Every time around
I come down with the same intention
And break into a smile at the thought
I don't dare to mention
A solitary dreamer
Been meaning to make it outside
But sitting here alone I don't risk yet another blind side"
Mimi curls up in a ball, swaying to the delicate sounds echoing from my guitar. Mark leans back on a stool at the counter, soaking in my voice. My eyes open just for a few seconds in between words, just to see their faces.
"And then, oh once and a while,
I make a breakout
Always under fire,
But I never mind the end"
My fingers strike the strings roughly, and I feel more emotion overcoming me.
"Every time around you don't make a sound
Every time around is a chance to love him
Dreaming far away, every time around
See, it's only love, god, it's only love"
My eyelids refuse to open now, in fear that I will see Mimi's horrible reaction. The word let my mouth with danger, caution and panic. I could almost hear the room become tense.
"If only I could stay I would say,
'I would never leave you'
If I could get control I'd do nothing
But hold you
But when I see you smiling
Even though it's over
Well, you can walk out of my world"
Every word rings true in my mind. I picture Mark in my arms, squeezing him tightly yet gently in my grip.
"Every time around you don't make a sound
Every time around is a chance to love him
Dreaming far away, every time around
See, it's only love, god, it's only love"
My voice springs hard from my throat, and tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I try to contain myself, and I'm able to pull the tears back in. I can just see Mimi's face right now, but I don't want to. I doubt I ever want to open my eyes again.
"Goodbye, don't say you love me
Goodbye, don't say you love me
Goodbye, don't say you love me."
Strings pluck quickly, with great intensity. Now I've let everything out.
"Every time around you don't make a sound
Every time around is a chance to love him
Dreaming far away, every time around
See, it's only love, god, it's only love"
I finish slowly, dragging out every second for as long as possible. My courage gathers in the pit of my stomach, and I finally open my eyes. Big brown eyes stare up at me, dazed and confused. I doubt she knows if she heard correctly. Then, my focus shifts to Mark. I see a tear running down his face, glowing in the sunlight. A smile comes to my lips, hesitant but real. I want to run to Mark now, kiss him hard and passionately, like I've wanted to do ever since I got back. But, I imagine, that would make things so much worse.
"So?" I ask, sluggishly making my way over to the couch to sit next to Mimi.
"Uh…it was…I…" She stutters, letting her legs fall from her grip and onto the floor. I glance over at Mark for an answer, and he opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He is speechless.
"I'm sorry." I whisper. It's all I can say. I don't know what else I could say. So many thoughts run through my mind, I can't possibly organize them all into an explanation for myself.
"Roger…" Mark tries to talk also, but is interrupted when Mimi gets up off the couch.
"Mimi, please don't just leave. We can talk about this." I beg for her to come back, and she stops with her hand on the doorknob. Her brown hair stays completely still, and she leans her free hand against the metal of the door.
"I don't even understand what just happened." She finally says, and Mark and I look at each other. I move slowly closer to him while Mimi has her back to us, and he does the same. We only get half way across the room before she turns around. "What the fuck was all of that?" Tears glaze her eyes, and she crosses her arms.
"I…Mark is…" I hesitate, afraid of what might spill out of my mouth accidentally. "I don't know. I'm so fucked up right now." My body drops onto the couch, and I bury my face in my hands. I feel a body follow me, and then carefully rub my back. The touch is familiar, and when I look up, I see Mark's eyes meet mine. A sigh of relief escapes my mouth, and Mark nods. He needs to tell her. We need to tell her.
"I don't understand what the hell is going on here! I have never been so…" Mimi screams, as her anger and confusion spills over the edge. Her fists snap to the counter, and she sits herself down on one of the stools. Surprisingly, she hasn't started crying. Not yet at least. "I thought…you loved me. I thought…we were…"
"Mimi…" I move over to her, escaping briefly from Mark's grip. I pull a stool up next to her, and sit down. My hands grip to hers, and she avoids looking me in the eye. "I do love you. I always have."
"Then…what…is this all about? That song obviously wasn't about me." Now she's just annoyed, and I'm reluctant to tell her the truth. My eyes move cautiously over to Mark. I look for answers in him, as if he is a little less confused than me at the moment.
"Mimi…before we met, before…everything…Mark and I were…" I let out a huge sigh, and continue on. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. "We were together. We were…we were together." I try to find a better word, but "lovers" seems too brutal for her right now. Mark and I sit in silence, awaiting the slightest reaction from Mimi. Her eyes remain on our hands, entangled so much you can barely tell which fingers are whose. Her feet shift a little, and she scoffs, almost laughing.
"I don't know why I didn't figure it out." She says, staring deeply into my eyes. "I should have gotten the clues. I should have…" Her hand pulls quickly away from mine, and she rubs her temple. "God, I'm so stupid. I guess with all the…I couldn't really…"
"It's not your fault. This happened way before you, and it's all of our shit. I had no right to do this to you. I should have told you sooner." Mark lays his hand on my shoulder, and soothes me immediately. But when I look back at Mimi, she finally looks about to burst. Mark touching me is pushing it too far.
"Wait…what are you telling me? You and Mark were together, or you and Mark are together?" I blink is surprise, and realize that I need to ask myself that question. My attention gets turned to the man behind me, and Mimi waits patiently for an answer.
"Well…I don't know. I…" I hate saying all of this with Mimi here. It is hurting her and me. But, I need to tell the truth for once. She needs to hear it all. "I don't know how Mark feels about me. But…I…" I close my eyes for a second, and summon the courage I need to force the words out of my mouth. The words I haven't said for a long time. The words I've always had hovering in my head. "I love him." My body turns to face Mark, and his eyes well up. "I love you, Mark." He smiles quickly before glancing back at Mimi.
"Roger…I don't know if…" His head drops and I can tell he is running over things in his head. I know it's hard for him to say; it's hard for me too. "I love you too, Roger. I love you so much." Our sighs mesh together. We've let everything out, and now we have to deal with the consequences.
"Roger…" Mimi gains my attention again, and I turn back to her. She smiles sweetly at me, and brushes her hand over my face. "I love you. I want you to be happy. Are you happy?"
"I'm happy with Mark. I'm happy with no secrets. I'm happy with no guilt, and no hiding, and being able to…be with him." I grasp her hands again, and hold them tightly on my lap. "But, I love you too. I don't want to hurt you, it's the last…"
"Roger." She stops me, and lays her finger over my mouth. "Don't do that. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to be happy."
"Mimi, we don't have to…"
"Goddamn it Roger, just be with Mark! Is this why you always shut me out? Why I could never open you up! You wished I was Mark the entire time? You could have just told me. Told me before I…fell so hard for you. Fuck!" She gets up violently, grabbing her dark blue jacket off the couch and running for the door.
"Mimi! Don't leave! Mimi!" I yell after her, but she is already gone. My hands find my jacket too, and I look back at Mark before following after her. He smiles at me, knowing that I love him. And I know that he loves me. That was the only thing we needed over the past few weeks.
My feet take the steps two at a time, and I finally catch up to Mimi. She doesn't try to get away from me but stops when I call her name. Her frail body faces mine, and I pull her into me. It's so cold out, and she is so skinny. Not to mention sick.
"Don't do this Mimi. Don't just leave angry at me."
"I'm not angry. I'm…shocked. It's all…"
"I know." I lean my chin on the top of her head, and she wraps her arms around my waist. "I'm sorry."
"I can't go on without you. You're the only one who can…"
"I never said I was leaving you. I mean…I can still help you through…everything. I'll always be there for you." I brush hair out of her face, away from her puffy pink lips. She pulls me into an embrace, and I hug her tightly, savoring the moments. I'll miss being able to kiss her, touch her, and play with her hair. But oh, how I've been longing to touch Mark. Just once, just a little kiss. Every thought on mind has been about kissing him. I'm dying to go back to the loft and meet his lips, slamming skin into skin and chest into chest. Even as I have Mimi pressed against me, I can't get Mark off my mind.
"You promise?" She whines, almost child-like. I lean forward slowly, carefully laying one final kiss on her lips.
"I promise." I assure her, and I mean it. I would never leave her. I just can't leave Mark. Time without him is unbearable. We begin to walk back to our building, and I hold her as close as I can, trying to transfer some heat between our bodies. Every once and a while I feel her staring at me, her eyes rolling up and down the side of my face.
I think about all I have said today. Now, Mark and I have to tell everyone we are together. Well, we have to tell Maureen and Joanne that we are together. I hope they don't find out in the same way that Collins did. Thoughts of fear and excitement come to mind. Now I can hold Mark's hand in front of everyone. Now I don't have guilt overriding my every thought, every time I am with Mark or Mimi. I can finally feel comfortable about being with him. About being myself.
"Mimi?" I shiver from the rush of heat as we walk into the apartment building.
"Yea?" She answers, making her way up the stairs.
"Will you feel…awkward if Mark and I are…together? Like, when everyone is hanging out, and Mark and I are…a couple…" Those words sound almost weird. Mark and I. A couple. The thoughts never occurred to me. But now that they have, I'm starting to like the idea.
"You mean, if you kiss in front of me?" Her voice sounds hurt and angry. It surprises me when she turns around. She has a smile spread across her lips.
"Yea, I guess. Hold hands, kiss…make any contact whatsoever." She laughs and pulls me up the stairs with her. I'm confused about the way she's taking it. Shock, then acceptance, then anger, then fear, and now humor. Women.
"It will take some getting used to, but…like I said. As long as you are happy. And I don't turn into a third wheel, or whatever the hell you call that. Do you know?" She furrows her eyebrow and I chuckle at her totally irrelevant question.
"I have no idea. How about a second banana?"
"Hmm…maybe. I guess that works. Well, I don't wanna be one! That's the point." She says, frustrated.
"Never." I answer, and she heads towards her apartment. She reaches for her keys and unlocks the door, still clinging to my hands with hers.
"You two need some alone time. Come down and visit me later." She winks at me before disappearing into the empty home. I can only hope that she won't be shooting up while I'm gone. She seemed almost too content with Mark and I. Apparently I don't know her as well as I thought I did.
I hurry up the stairs, not wasting a minute. I barge quickly through the door, and throw my jacket on the ground. Mark no longer sits at the counter, and I'm sent into a state of panic. I need him so badly.
"Mark?" I yell, peeking into his room.
"Yea?" He answers, and I jump in alarm. He comes out of the bathroom, running his hands through his hair.
"Hi."
"Hi. Is…Mimi okay?"
"Yea…I talked to her. She's…surprisingly fine. I don't really know if she's lying or what." I answer, rubbing my palms nervously on my thighs. My feet shift under me, and I fight off the urge to lunge across the room at Mark. An urge I could easily fulfill, but for some reason I stop myself.
"That's good." He sighs, and I nod. He looks out the window at the frost accumulating. My breathing becomes labored and heavy. A silence fills the seconds that creep by, and we just stand completely still. It was never this hard to make a move on Mark before. I have no idea what's stopping me. Mimi approves, what else do I need? My hands imitate Mark's, moving hastily through my hair. Then, something rises out of the pit of my stomach, pushing away all of the doubt and fear that possesses me.
"Jesus Mark!" I scream, and sprint across the room to him. He takes a few quick steps forward, until our bodies collide with passion and need. My lips don't take long to find his, and I feel him sigh heavily against my lips. He throws his arms around my neck, deepening the kiss, and allowing my tongue to slip into his mouth. I shiver when I feel his hands on the back of my neck, the touch I have missed so badly, so desperately. He pushes our bodies closer together, until they are parallel. I can't take it anymore. I separate our mouths and moan loudly, leaning my forehead against his, and grasping onto his hair.
"Rog…" He whispers, the warmth of his breath brushing onto my skin. I pull him in for a gentler kiss, weaving our lips together softly. My mouth moves down his neck, and around his throat slowly. I hear his breath catch, and he pulls his head away lightly. "I love you. I missed you." He sighs, and I smile.
"God, I missed you too. Kiss me again please." I laugh, and he complies.
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The next morning
The button of Mark's shirt presses tightly against my face, no doubt leaving an imprint. Last night I fell asleep on the couch, on top of Mark's chest. It was the happiest I had been in ages. My hair lies contently on his face, moving with every breath blown out of his mouth. I'm afraid I've squished Mark to death, but I feel his chest slowly rising and falling. I carefully lift myself up, swinging my legs around to make contact with the ground. I'm able to stand, but sway a little bit. Damn head rush.
I lean down to touch my lips to Mark's lightly, trying not to wake him. The clock says one. Holy shit, we slept late. I was supposed to go to Mimi's last night, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave Mark. All we did was talk, kiss, talk, and cuddle. I felt like I was in dream.
The phone rings, and I immediately look over to Mark, to see if it woke him. He flinches slightly, almost completely un-phased. Although I haven't answered the phone in months, I decide to pick it up and let Mark sleep.
"Hello?" I whisper.
"Hi!" I hear screaming from the phone. "Roger? You answered the phone? I had a whole message planned out. You guys never answer!" Maureen rambles on, and I yawn, intently watching Mark sleep.
"Uh huh. Well, Mark is sleeping and I didn't want the phone to wake him."
"Oh, so that's why you're whispering! Well...I just called to see if you guys wanted to go out to dinner tonight. Our treat. Is Mimi too sick to come? We could always just come over to your place with food too. Anything works as long…" Her voice rings sharply in my ears, and I can't take much more of it.
"Yea, that'd be fine. I'll check and see if Mimi wants to go out or what." Then I remember. Mark and I need to tell Maureen and Joanne. "Or, maybe it should just be you two, me and Mark. There's something…"
"If you want. I guess I don't care. As long as…"
"Maureen!" I get her attention. "I'll call you back. I don't want to wake Mark. We were up…I mean…he was up late last night." I catch myself. I shouldn't tell her while Mark isn't coherent.
"All right. Talk to you later then." She hangs up without a goodbye, and I set the phone down lightly. Instead of continuing my search for food, I walk over to the couch and sit on the edge. Mark looks so peaceful, his hand resting on his chest, where I was only minutes before. I kiss his cheek and return to the fridge. For once I don't really care that there is nothing to eat.
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Notes: That was uber long man! Jeez! Okay, tell me TRUTHFULLY if you liked it. I don't know if it's too emotional or too sappy or whatever you think. Just tell me! Preferably without being too mean? XD I hope you enjoyed it! I loved writing it. It was orgasmic getting them back together…heehee! Until next time! Don't worry, that wasn't the end…unfortunately.