Chapter 66
The gas lamp he carried looked like a fire fly within the darkness. He walked down the forest path he knew like the palm of his hand, despite being there late at night.
He didn't mind; he preferred the night time than the day. Everything stood covered under the dark cloak of the night. He could move free. Without people pointing out. Without prejudice. Without feeling different. Feeling invisible and invincible.
The darkness didn't have limits. Everything was possible in it. There was no fear.
No fear.
No.
Fear.
Christian's plan ambitious in its conception, had no place for fear. While he walked alone at almost midnight, towards the cabin in the woods, he felt fear for the first time.
Hidden at a corner of the Kings Cross platform for the train to Glasgow, he stood so close and yet so far from the girl he had loved, just a few hours ago.
The worry in her eyes, he could see, while she flexed her body and stood at her toes, staring at people walking, coming and going. Peering through lowered hats.
Upon this wordless farewell to her, his eyes felt hot, his vision clouded and he bowed his head down to dispel the ache. When he raised his head again, she was gone.
Terry hadn't appeared up till then and that had him worried. Had he not showed up, what would he have done, he hadn't thought of. In all probability, he would have jumped on that train, take Rose, explain everything and hope for the best.
The moment of no return was upon him and he came out of his hiding, having pulled the paperboy cap way down his face, hiding his eyes from anyone's view. A man approached the platform fast and passed him by before stopping on his tracks, turned and saw him.
Christian hadn't realised the man with the dark blue fedora hat who has stopped, was Terry. The two men acknowledged each other. Terry approached him. Mixed relief with disappointment washed over inside Christian.
"I'm here for her." Terry said quietly, wanting to make his reason for being there clear.
"That's good enough for me." Christian replied.
"One question though... is something going on between you and that Diamond lass?" Terry asked.
Christian stared at him for a few moments. He could tell, Terry knew something. But there was no time to explain. Whatever time Christian had, was already expired.
"No." He answered in the end, wanting for Terry to get going. "You don't have time, if you'll be on that train.
The whistle of the platform manager was heard.
"We have to talk when we'll be back. I don't even know what this goddamn plan of yours is, and she's involved whether you like it or not." Terry said, looking serious. Determined to finally draw the line in their triangle.
"You'll see once you're back, we'll talk."
Terry nodded. He pulled his hat down. Didn't say another word. Turned and started to walk away towards the train.
"Take care of her." Christian's last words made him slow down and then he speeded up again. The doors of the train were just about to close.
He could see the outline of the cabin. He could see the light from the petrol lamp coming through its small windows. He had been away most of the day. He had left Alice on her own again and hoped this time, he wouldn't have any surprises when he came back.
The more he got closer to the cabin, the more his mind was invaded by her, her face when she smiled this morning. Her wearing his shirt and nothing else; her naked body from the night before. How it felt under his touch in the dark; her body's smooth slopes and crevices, he had discovered with his hands, his mouth. He had found himself aroused by her reactions, how she tensed and moved, her moans, her breaths straining with desire, her smell of sun, sweat and tobacco.
Alice had been unexpected. How he found his mind gravitating towards her, was unexpected. Unwanted. Most definitely unwanted. He wouldn't and shouldn't cross the line again. He knew he sounded harsh in the morning. She also wasn't happy and Alice wasn't beating around the bush. She wore her heart on her sleeve. He opened the door.
Shadows flickered and danced on the walls by the draft he caused when he came inside the cabin. Alice had fallen asleep on the couch. Same place he had fallen asleep the evening before. His steps were light. Not wanting to wake her up. He placed the old leather duffle bag on a chair, having shoved in it, some of his clothes, a couple of his shirts, a pair of trousers. A navy dress Rose had left at his flat.
If all went well, they shouldn't stay there for more than ten days. Less even. In the meantime, Alice would have to make do with whatever clothes he managed to gather from his flat. Of course, he had to send Nicolas to pick them up and even he had to take long scenic routes afterwards from Christian's flat to the National Gallery where he had provided Christian a temporary refuge at its basement.
He glanced at Alice's sleeping figure once again. He thought of hearing her turning. He hadn't eaten anything all day and was starving. Nicolas had raided his flat for all he could collect food wise. Took out some eggs, bread, a few tins of various things like corned beef, beans, tomatoes.
He opened the can of corned beef and cut a couple of slices of bread. Opened a bottle of stout. Sat down and started to eat, his eyes fixed on the couch where Alice was. Under the orange light from the lamp, it gave him the impression of moving. He emptied his mind and enjoyed the silence for those minutes.
He heard her stretching.
"Finally." He heard her say.
"I'm sorry." He said back to her.
Her head showed up from the back of the couch. Her hair messed up. She was still wearing his shirt.
"I was bored witless." She complained.
"Sorry, I forgot to provide you with entertainment." He replied to her complaint.
"Stop being such a dick all the time, Christian, will you?" She snapped back at him and got up. Having draped the blanket over her shoulders, she tightened it around her and came to the table where he was sitting. She pulled up the chair opposite him.
His eyes left her once she sat down. He turned his focus to their modest dinner.
"Have you eaten anything?" He asked her quietly, without looking at her.
"Not much." She replied, having her stare fixed on him, realising by the minute the lack of a better mood from his part.
He didn't comment on her last admission. Instead he cut more bread and passed her a thick slice. He pushed the opened tin with his knife towards her and plunged it on the remaining corned beef inside.
She took it and cut a piece. She ate in silence. Christian pulled the tobacco out from his pocket. Rolled a cigarette, lit it and took a draw. He then let his eyes linger on her while she was eating. It was true, he was behaving like a dick to her. Perhaps behaving like a dick simplified the otherwise complicated situation. However attractive a simplified version of their relationship seemed to Christian at that point, it wouldn't be fair to her.
"I am sorry for keeping you captive here." He said to her, between puffs of smoke.
She stopped chewing at the bread and looked at him.
"Oh?! What caused this? Surely is not your pity or guilt." She quizzed him with her questioning gaze over his face.
He pressed his lips. His stare darkened. Drew his brows together.
"Why can't you accept something without questioning it to the bloody death?" He sounded fed up.
Her hazel eyes sparkled in the orange glow inside the cabin. Christian had the knack to create intense feelings inside her, spanning the entire spectrum of emotions. He angered her right there and then.
"I will stop when you are fucking sincere with me." She snapped back at him. She wasn't prepared to say such a thing and by the sudden silence that dropped between them like a knife, she realised he wasn't expecting this truth from her.
"What you're looking for, isn't there." He answered to her, sounding flat.
Seeing the woman he had loved leaving with his adversary, and more to it -
a journey that himself had orchestrated,
all the while feeling he was sinking deeper into a quagmire of troubles he had no small part into creating, left him with little empathy left. No patience, no good will, no goddamned anything. Knowing that Alice was prodding him to reveal feelings he hadn't even worked out and were so raw, unripe, not even formed to something he could grasp and give it a name... made him angry with her. Especially now.
"What do you think is it, that I'm looking for?" She cried.
The temper rising inside the veins of her temples. She stood up, the blanket collapsed on the floor, void of life.
"How the damn do you know what I'm looking for?"
The anger choked her. Made her breathless. She paced barefoot on the hard wooden floor. Her slender silhouette moved on the stone wall opposite her, stopping every time she turned to see him, looking at her, with no reaction showing, no emotion.
"You're full of shit, Christian. You really are. I was so blind, so blind..." Her voice trailed off, and her anger burned inside her more by realising tears had flooded her eyes. She turned her back to him, not wanting him to see her. Placed her hands upon the slated mantlepiece above the cold fireplace.
"That's who I am Alice." She heard him say behind her. His voice calculated and unwavering.
She turned as fast as she heard him, his admission having felt almost like a whip on her back. Fixed her eyes on him, tears of anger blinding her sight.
"Well SCREW YOU then!"
"You can't just keep me locked here, fuck me whenever you want and treat me like dirt the rest of the time." She yelled at him, breathing fire into her words.
She didn't expect him to reply to any of her outburst. Her eyes fell on the duffel bag, Christian had brought. Without even asking him, she grabbed it, emptied it on the couch, stopped for an instance to realise what he had brought with him. It was a dress and the rest seemed to be his clothes.
The hell with it.
She pressed her lips, and continued with the task of getting dressed in front of his continuous stare. She battled not to just collapse on the couch in tears. She pushed her legs inside the pair of flannel trousers he brought and pulled it up, pushed the shirt she was wearing inside it. Grabbed the one belt that fell off the bag and tightened it around the trousers.
She sat down and proceeded to put her shoes on.
"Where are you going?" He asked her without moving.
"Where am I going?" She repeated his question, almost laughing at Christian.
"I'm leaving this dump and I'm walking back to London even if it kills me." She said with contempt.
"It's bloody midnight, Alice." He said with a quiet voice. He had enraged her and with good reason, but the powers in him were abandoning him.
"See if I care, asshole!" She turned back and fixed her stare one more time. "Even walking to hell is better than here with you." She said, and opened the door, walked out and banged the door shut behind her.
It's all your fault... opened you big goddamned mouth, instead of treating her nice... all the while lecturing Terry.
He pushed his face inside the palms of his hands and pushed his fingers through his hair. A loud groan rose up from his throat. He got up, took the lit lamp on one hand and left the cottage.
He heard quick footsteps not far off from where he stood, and turned the lamp to their direction. He saw her walking away, disappearing through the trees. He started to walk fast towards her. Having the advantage of knowing the area quite well, it didn't take him too much time to reach her. With his free hand, he grabbed her by the waist and locked her on him. She turned to face him, the light of the lamp illuminating their faces within the night's darkness.
They stood there without saying anything. Both trying to reach deep into one another, trying to read intentions and feelings behind the silent stares. She felt his grip over her waist intensifying and the heat from his body warming up her chest, she actually thought he would kiss her and she heart her heart beating inside her ears. She closed her eyes for just a moment.
"Come." She heard him say softer than before...
She opened her eyes in an instant. She tried to shimmy her way out of his embrace. She resisted his pull. "No!" She yelled at him, her face looking flushed with anger. "I'm not coming with you."
He could kiss her as they stood there and then; once again he felt the attraction, the unexpected desire, same in its grip as it had been the night before. His stare shone with it and she looked into his eyes, seeing his features soften. She knew the battle was lost, for she couldn't go against what her heart told her. She hated to admit it, she didn't want to admit it, she knew there was no reciprocation, no future, no way to make it work. For Christian, she was nothing but a mobster's girlfriend, an unwanted weight, an obligation he had to carry. Sure, he had brought her there for reasons she'd demand to know - otherwise she wouldn't follow him back - but...
She was in love with him, pure and clear.
Just like other things in her life she had to put aside, to sacrifice to move forward, to survive in a world that was already tough for women of her station in society, so this love had to stay just a thought, a feeling, a night summer's dream. There was no way, she was going to seek or push, or demand anything from him.
"Please..."
"Alice...?"
His voice had turned soft and quiet, it could have been the trees whispering his words to her.
"Will you tell me why you brought me here?" She asked him while her resistance lessened.
He nodded in agreement. "I will."
"How can I trust you, Christian? You blow hot and cold... Swaying between kindness and hate towards me. I need to know where I stand..."
He lowered the lamp he was holding down, letting the darkness cover his eyes.
"I don't hate you Alice..."
She breathed in and let her eyelids to close, stopping fresh tears from clouding her sight. She preferred it, not wanting to see. "You don't like me either."
"I never said that." He said straight away, almost not letting her finish her sentence.
They felt the fresh night air of the forest, cooling the heat of their flushed faces. His fingers still touching the curve of her waist. She felt his chest moving as he breathed in.
"Rose left today, with Terry..."
"The actor?" Alice asked, finally realising the reason of his gloominess. She also felt her heart sinking. This time, it wasn't due to Christian's fault. He hadn't pushed her to fall in love with him. In fact, he had done everything against it. It didn't matter though. Christian hadn't answered.
"Last night...I regret..." He added, an admission that came out of nowhere and had left Alice breathless, hanging from Christian's lips. "But not for the reasons you think, none of those has to do with you, Alice..." His voice became faint and trailed off when he said her name and she felt a million butterflies creating havoc inside her.
"I am sorry for being a bastard." It could have been the cool breeze on her naked arms, or all that outburst of sincerity from Christian's, there in the edges of the midnight darkness, illuminated by the weak light of a petrol lamp. She couldn't see his eyes, she could feel only his face, its contours, he could feel his breathing, but she heard his voice, its depth coming from inside, from a place he kept the truth and that what mattered to her. The fine hair stood up and she felt her skin prickling.
"You're cold." He noticed and he pressed his fingers on her waist. "Can we please go inside and I can explain everything, why I've brought you here?"
ok
was the only thing she managed to whisper before she felt him taking her hand to lead her back to the cabin. He pulled his arm up high, the lamp illuminating the road forward, which could have been a dark path they were taking but she felt her steps light as a feather when he held her hand into his...
Terry was to take the couch, which it had to be said wasn't the most comfortable to use, but as a temporary bed for just that one night, it would do. Candy had provided him with extra bedding materials, bedsheets, pillows, blanket, the lot. While she had been changing to her nightgown in the privacy of the bathroom, and he was making a bed for himself, he did everything almost mechanically; his mind having been robbed by how unreal this situation was and they had found themselves in the middle of it.
After the initial drama and their heated argument, they had come to a truce. A fragile truce which for him was as desirable as the sensation of her hand inside his was. He had been given a second chance with her, and that was what mattered to him the most. Terry wasn't the easiest of people to get along with, it had to be said, and he was aware of that.
It was inevitable for him to compare himself to Christian. He wasn't a fool not to see the appeal of that man to Candy. He had been exciting to her, daring, modern, sociable, good looking, he admitted as much as it pained him to do so. Terry wasn't blind. Given his line of work where physical appearance mattered almost as much as the acting talent, he was trained to look at people's faces, their physiques. He wasn't by any measure superficial when it came to forming opinions about acquaintances, it was just impossible for him not to pay attention to how people looked. Christian could have been easily, a cinema star with his looks. Him being a painter wasn't any less cooler. A bohemian character living for his art.
He had created the Scarlet Rose
The painting that had been the talk of London. The one who Candy seemed to think it defined her the most as who she was at present. Free, hedonistic, wanting to live life to the full, enjoying all its pleasures while she could.
Christian had made her his Muse. He had painted her several paintings from what Terry knew and had seen two of them. Any woman could tell you, what a coveted role becoming an artist's Muse, was. Being that person who with their life, personality, looks, was a constant source of creative inspiration for an artist...
Terry had to compete with all that. He could feel the intensity between himself and Candy. When they were together, even if it sounded banal to say, but it was true; sparks flew both ways. It wasn't enough for him, however, to go on with just a hunch and some passionate moments. Especially when he had to consider all the heartache he had given her by having brought Susanna into their lives and their relationship. Unwontedly it was; Susanna had entered Terry's life and subsequently Candy's life on her own accord and her own insistence not to back down-
not to leave
otherwise she would have killed herself.
She had rooted herself there with tears and threats, and the subject of her obsession had been him. He could have nipped things from the bud if he had realised how extended, how deep her sickness went but he had been in love and those Candy-tinted glasses he wore had blinded him.
The ghost of Susanna was still hovering above them. He could feel it.
So, this trip, however weird it seemed, the way they found themselves together on a remote destination, meant a lot for Terry. He balanced precariously between putting all his chips on that journey, to try come close to her and on the other hand, knowing her affection for Christian and their connection, he gritted his teeth, thinking he shouldn't be building his hopes up.
She came out the bathroom wearing a floor length silk kimono style robe, the colour of the sky. All traces of makeup scrubbed off her face. As she stepped under the ceiling light of their cabin, he realised the freckles on her face were more in number and intensity from how he remembered them, and he really wanted to say something but he bit his tongue, not wanting to rub her the wrong way.
Instead he kept marvelling at them, thinking how they had captured his attention when he first had laid eyes on her so many years ago. Having seen her face clean without all those paints women wore those days, she wasn't looking much older than when they met for the first time when she had been on the cusp of adolescence.
She gave him a shy smile. Truce it may had been, but spending the night under the same roof, in such close proximity with each other, carried a significance, no matter how rational they wanted to look at it.
"Well, I will bid you goodnight Terry..." She said, trying to hide her nervousness behind the fists she had retracted her hands into, having glued her arms by her sides.
"Goodnight Candy..." He said back to her, having taken only his shirt off, remaining with his under shirt vest and his trousers still.
"You won't get undressed?" She asked him.
Do you want me undressed Freckles?
By God, she was testing him, and the thoughts of teasing her flew inside his mind; with forced restraint he had to pull them back and not let them escape through his lips.
"No, I'm fine like that Freckl-
Candy..." He said and shoved his hand through his hair, while having the other resting on his hip.
Under other circumstances, Candy would have been amused to say the least, seeing him stress out about his behaviour, the otherwise arrogant and sharp tongued Terrence Grandchester, but in this occasion, she was just as nervous as he was, the two of them being confined in such a small space for the night. She hoped the arrangement on the island to be better, or at least more spacious, otherwise she would have to really get used to be with Terry in such close proximity and fast.
She cracked a smile back. "Well... I'll see you in the morning." She said, raising her brows.
Without waiting for his response, she turned her back and walked towards the bed. She passed by the wooden panel that divided the bed area from the "living room" area of the cabin and pulled shut the curtains with one sweep. Stood behind them for a couple of seconds, having closed her eyes, trying to steady on her heartbeat.
Took her robe out and dived under the blankets. The cool crisp cotton sheets felt comforting against her hot skin. She didn't wait much to switch off the light by the bed.
She heard Terry lying down on the sofa. The rustling of the sheets, the throwing of the blanket.
He turned the lights off too.
He put his hands behind his head while looking at the ceiling within the darkness. His eyes soon had started to adjust, making out the shapes of things. It had to be said, he wasn't feeling like sleeping. There was too much in his mind to let sleep relax his muscles and make his eyelids heavy.
First and foremost, the woman who was on the bed almost next to him. Not one sound came from her, no turning on the bed or a lone cough. He kept hearing the rhythmic noise of the train moving on the rails.
Candy hadn't pulled the blind of the window down. Instead she had left the view outside unobstructed, and let her eyes wander on the summer night sky. Stars zoomed past in front of her face. She had to pinch herself at times, wanting to believe she was travelling with Terry to an unknown Scottish island... A shivering rushed up her spine, recalling his entrance inside the dining carriage.
She really hadn't the time to process what Christian had told her in his letter. That he had asked Terry to take his place on this journey. It made no sense... What she had understood was that he really made everything that he could to send her away and that worried her more. She closed her eyes, in an attempt to sleep, but sleep wasn't coming.
Time passed as slow as the speed of the sleeper train was while crossing the land, as if it was in no hurry to reach Glasgow. She opened her eyes, feeling angry, that she was as awake as a barn owl. She turned on her back. Looking at the ceiling... for a while, trying to relax without succeeding... till...
"Are you sleeping, Terry?" She raised her voice.
She couldn't believe she asked him. Once she'd done it, she had that strange feeling as if it wasn't her who asked.
More like someone else
So unlike of her to be as forward, especially with Terry and then... it was still quiet. There was no answer. She turned once more her body towards the window.
"No, I'm not..."
She heard his voice.
In the dark, without being able to see him...
A memory flashed in front of her eyes -
The two of them, the darkness and a cold stone wall between them but they had spent the night together, once again. Many years ago. The night before she was expelled. The last night they'd spent together in St. Paul's. He had stayed outside her "prison"-
I'm here for as long as it takes Candy
With you
How she had warmed the stone, while talking to him. Hearing the sound of the harmonica outside the wall. She remembered how deep and desperate was her wish,
If she could have torn the wall down
Kick the door
By God's miracle, becoming the strongest person on Earth.
The injustice she had felt coursing hot inside her veins. They had done nothing wrong and yet...
She had let many times pass like that, not being selfish, to fight for her happiness. When she was let out, because Terry had taken her place, having made himself expelled from the school, by the time she was on her way, running behind him, it was too late. She had arrived too late. The ship, with him onboard had sailed.
Not knowing exactly the why, she got up. She pushed the curtains open.
He turned the light on. Fixed his questioning stare on her.
"Are you ok? Anything wrong?" He asked her, having pulled himself up a bit.
Candy stood there while saying nothing. Realising she had acted without thinking, on an impulse, a whim, a desire of wanting to know. Whether she did the right thing or not, there she was in front of Terry who looked completely clueless.
"I have to know Terry..." She said and started fumbling with her fingers in front of her chest, pacing barefoot in front of him, her flowing nightgown following her every move.
When he heard her speak, he realised this wasn't going to be a simple question of when will we arriving or something along the same lines which could be solved with an equally simple answer. He pushed the blanket back and sat properly on the couch, his eyes following her movements.
He noticed her nervousness.
"I need to know what went on between you and Christian... your state... you're obviously beaten." She said and fixed her green eyes on his face. "Why you're here..." She added.
She noticed his hesitation.
"Now...?" He replied to her, raising his brows.
"Yes. Now." She replied straight away. "Not in the morning, or tomorrow or in a week... Please, now."
Whether or not, he thought of her crazy, she tried to dispel that possibility forming in his mind. "Terry, I won't be able to sleep. I have to know... because many things I never questioned in the past or acted when I should."
Candy was talking with cyphers, and he was becoming increasingly worried. Remembering how she acted earlier, he feared whether she meant of having second thoughts, or wanting to do something drastic again like stopping the train in the middle of nowhere. The worry increased. His eyes searched around the room. He thought he had seen a bottle of wine somewhere.
"No alcohol please." She said. "We need to have some ground rules while we're together."
"Ground rules..." He repeated after her.
She stopped and gazed on his face, held his stare on her. Her heart was beating fast. "Yes, rules, Terry."
"Rule number 1, you don't get sloshed every time you feel prodded or angry..."
"I wasn't going to get sloshed!" He protested.
"There are some conversations, I prefer to have done with you sober, Terry..."
Her eyes had turned down and he knew why she said that last line. What had happened in her house, it would take time for him to make it right. He backed down, letting her have her wish and her rule. She sat down next to him. Pulled her feet up, and bend them by her side.
Candy realised by adding the R word in their conversation, would have been tricky for Terry to accept. He never abided by rules. He had his rules and he lived by them. That could have sounded selfish to someone who didn't know Terry and perhaps it was. But he never had invited anyone, or expected anyone to live by them.
"Any other rules, Miss White?" He asked her, deciding to lighten the mood. They were sitting quite close to each other; he could smell her floral perfume.
"All in good time, Terry, I assure you." She said back with a giggle, starting to enjoy for once having the reigns in this impromptu chat between them. Her eyes stopped to the stitches on his brow.
"Who did your stitches by the way?" She asked and her gaze narrowed. She stood up on her knees on the sofa and leaned towards him. Dressed with only her nightgown, though it was decent, he could make out her silhouette, the way the light passed through the silk fabric. She pushed a strand of his hair back, while examining the sutures from up close.
He wondered whether she was doing it on purpose, torturing him as she did...their close proximity and the sensation of her fingers on his forehead, examining... Perhaps it was a rouse from her part, a test, to find his limits, till what point he could act as normal, calm and composed. She was keen to lay down ground rules after all.
He was approaching his limits as fast as she had approached him, dressed in that flimsy nightgown. Her fingers raised goosebumps on his skin.
She stopped and turned her eyes to meet with his. He raised his face.
What was her question again?
"Well?" She asked him once more. "Who did those-"
"Christian did..." He confessed with a measured reply. His gaze followed her as she lowered herself back down on the sofa.
"Wait a second... Christian mend you?!" She stopped him explaining further.
There was no point hiding what had happened. Although he spared her the details of his encounter with MacDonald and the fact that the stitches was what he got instead of a bullet on the exact same spot. He repeated the same story he had put together, that he had fallen a victim of mugging. He noticed the flashes of worry inside her eyes.
"For my good luck, the man who scooped me from the street, beaten up and bleeding, took me to Christian..."
"To his flat?"
"Yes, his flat..."
He could tell from the expressions of her face, that she was trying to connect the dots of Terry's story... between himself and Christian.
"Why? Weren't there hospitals he could take you to?" She asked him, raising her eye brow.
Terry's answer about Christian had been so unexpected, she regretted her rule about the alcohol. She could have used a glass of wine, if she was honest. And the fact that Terry had been mugged and taken to Christian's flat on the spot..., she pushed back those dark thoughts of hers... whether what Terry had endured was truly a mugging or perhaps a sign of why Christian wanted her with Terry out of London.
"I don't know Candy... perhaps the man didn't like hospitals, perhaps Christian's house was closer, perhaps he thought we were friends... I was unconscious you know, I didn't ask the why's." He tried to make himself sound believable even if his excuses were so thin on the ground. In front of the detective he had performed way better than in front of Candy. He wished this interrogation to finish quick.
"I remember him being angry, but he stitched my brow... I was pretty sloshed..." He continued and poked fun with her previous choice of word she used to describe him as being drunk.
She hadn't asked him anything back, despite the swelling worry she felt. Left him to narrate what had happened, all the while, realising that Christian and Terry had come close to each other without either of them realising the actual, real bond between them. The hair on her neck stood up. She felt her stomach squeezing.
"When I woke up, it was pretty late. " Terry continued. "Christian was sleeping on the couch." He added.
"And then?" She prompt him to reveal further.
"Then we started talking..." He said with his eyes intently fixed on her face.
"About...?" She asked, feeling her breathing getting shallower.
"You really want to know?"
Candy nodded and swallowed.
"We talked about you..." He said.
She didn't commend. She wasn't sure what to feel, knowing she had been the subject of talk between the two brothers. Perhaps wanting to know wasn't such a good idea after all.
"I realised he only knew half the truth about me and you..." Terry added, grasping the reigns of the direction that conversation was taking which was just as interesting as hair raising at the same time. The ice they were skating on had turned rather thin.
Candy's green eyes were kept locked into his aqua marine ones. "You never mentioned Susanna..."
Her ghost once again above them.
"I was trying to move forward Terry." She whispered.
"You weren't particularly fair on my part though... you painted me as if I had been a bastard of having abandoned you."
She closed her eyes.
This
Wasn't
A
Conversation
She was willing to have.
Was she wrong? The way she had handled her past, what she had revealed and what she had kept secret to Christian? Perhaps... She never thought she was to defend or rectify the truth to him.
"I never thought I was going to see you again, Terry."
"That's not an excuse..." He commended.
She realised, he was getting into that moody spiral. She had to stop it.
"Can we please solve one thing at a time?" She asked him.
"Rule number 2 - untangle one thing per time... yes?" She asked him. Pleading almost.
He backed down, despite feeling the steam of injustice in him rising.
"Nevertheless, OK, this will have to wait... He asked me for a favour." He said.
"Which was?"
"All I had told you about Christian being involved with the London's underworld gangs was true, Candy..."
She remembered, including her reaction to his revelations. She chose not to say anything this time.
"I don't think whatever he's into, he did on purpose though." Terry added to her surprise, practically defending in a way Christian's actions.
"He wants to put everything straight but he feared for your safety."
"He'll be in danger, Terry..."
"He's a grown man, Candy. He also looks like he knows what's in stake and with whom."
She chewed her bottom lip. Prayed not to start with the tears.
"So he asked me to take his place, take you away, till he sorts things out." He continued.
"Why did you accept..." She asked him with a quiet voice.
"Why do you think?" He replied, his gaze so intense she gathered all her strength to keep her eyes fixed on his.
She didn't answer his question. She shivered; she wasn't wearing her robe. Her whole body had turned tense.
He realised, this wasn't the time to bare his soul to her. Even if he had to lie to her, a little bit.
"I had been a bastard to you the last time..." He didn't finish his sentence. He didn't need to. The look on her face told him she knew.
"You felt obliged then?"
"No! No, not obliged, Candy. But I wanted to do something right, while I'm here and we're here."
"When we part ways..." He said quietly,
"When the time comes..."
"I want us to part as friends..." He said, picking each word with great care. Perhaps it was better they hadn't drunk while having that talk.
"Friends..."
That word echoed in her ears and for the first time, it didn't have the effect she always sought to have when she thought of their relationship. It sounded almost like an insult.
What if she didn't want them to be friends?
She didn't want them to be friends.
But stuck between a rock and a hard place, friends had been the best that could be.
The night unravelled just like the railroad they were upon, eating up the miles and the minutes.
For Candy, taking the decision to leave Terry for a second time, and in this occasion to leave Christian too... say good bye to the both of them, was so much easier done in her mind and her thoughts. A good bye which existed only in the ether and hadn't materialised yet is way simpler than what becomes reality. The reality that carries complications, feelings arising from unexpected situations, physical reactions to those feelings.
When Terry revealed the reason he was on that train, which was that he wanted them to part ways as being friends, felt like a bee sting to Candy. Even if it was ideal for her. For her own plans. Still she was human, she was a woman and she was in love with him.
Those two weeks with Terry on their own...
How could she manage to stay impartial, neutral to this man... and on the other hand, if she approached him like she wanted to approach him, just like now, when she felt like kissing him on the lips, kiss the bruises and the cuts on his face, have his arms travel and explore her body while she kissed his face...
It wouldn't be fair to him.
It wouldn't be fair to Christian either.
Her making their relationship more complicated that what was already.
Every way she looked at it, from every direction, the friendship Terry offered her there, was the best they could have.
"Friends." She repeated his words and she clasped his hand between hers. Eyes sparkling like summer meadows.
Terry didn't know what to say back to her. She had been unpredictable and strange at times, impulsive and emotional and the best he thought he could do was not to challenge her for the time being. Sure, there could be things left unsaid for the time which when they would come out in the open, they'd hurt and they needed to come out but not there.
He stayed for a little while, just lost inside her stare, feeling his hands inside hers, till he cleared his throat. "It's rather late... perhaps we should try to sleep a little." He said to her softly.
"I won't be able to sleep on my own, Terry..." He heard her say, her words falling like a lightning on his senses.
He didn't reply right away, mostly having lost his words. "I don't mean..." She started to explain.
"I didn't think you did." He said completing her words.
"I won't be able to sleep thinking everything you said..."
"And what would be the remedy then?" He asked her.
He knew he was pressing her, and she was feeling awkward trying to express what she wanted but if he was to come closer to her, he had to push her, to tell him what she wanted, knowing her. She may had lost a lot of her inhibitions with Christian, but with Terry, it was as if the time never moved forward. Despite telling him she changed, she hadn't changed with him.
"I know I'm sounding too liberal, or I don't know what you'll think of me, but we can share the bed, and it's much better than the couch." She said to him. "You could sleep above the beddings, use the blanket I gave you." She talked without a break, all the while her cheeks having caught fire.
She didn't know what came over her. It was mad and any man, Terry especially, given their history, could have taken this as suggestive of other things and it was crazy but she wanted to feel him close. Given the situation as it had unravelled, she was in need of a hug. She wouldn't ask him to hug her but just share the bed. Without any physical contact.
"Ok then." Terry said back to her and allowed her to lead the way to the double bed. It wasn't too big, enough for them both to lie down with the distance of a hand's palm free between them. She lied under the blankets again. And he lied above them. She switched off the lights. The moonlight shone outside. They had lied on their sides, facing at each other.
"Is that better then?" Terry said. She could just about make the sparkle of his eyes but his voice was warm, soothing.
"Remember that night we spent at the punishment tower...at St. Paul's?" She said, her voice barely higher than a whisper, protected by the silver laced darkness of the room, she spoke what was on her mind.
"Yes, I do." He replied, while resisting the urge to close her inside his arms.
He would never be able to forget that particular night...
"Whatever took place between us a few days ago, it doesn't matter, Terry," She said back. "To me, that night staying with me and what you did after... I know you have your heart in the right place..."
"I didn't need to have Christian tell me so." She added, trying to not let her feelings choke her.
"Candy..." Terry only managed to whisper her name.
"I run after you when they released me... I tried to reach you, I saw the ship leaving."
Terry could hardly breath, learning what had she gone through. After all those years, finding out, hearing her side. While they both were in the States, even if they considered themselves as a couple, exchanging letters, they were careful not to reveal the ache the distance caused to both, physical and emotional. The separation... he had to go through missing her every day to the point of feeling his body being in actual pain.
"I crossed the ocean, hidden as a stowaway... just to find you. College in London had ended for me when you left."
His initial reaction to those revelations was to laugh, thinking of his woman, the daredevil in her, that side of her had always been so alluring to him.
"Always the daredevil..." He said.
Then all of a sudden, his voice darkened. Those cargo ships weren't the place for a woman in such a young age. Who knows what dangers lurked by her side without her knowing... Almost like now, with Christian. Always trusting the good side of everyone. Even him, when a few days ago he attacked her in her own house, just now she told him that all was forgotten.
"You know you shouldn't be as trusting, risking your life like that. That was really dangerous what you had done then." He sounded stern, his voice had carried all those dangers his mind was painting an image of.
"Terry..." She whispered. "I'm glad you're here with me."
It was a night of fight, it was a night of truce, a night of things kept unspoken and a night of revelations, a night of new feelings and old, a night of laying down rules while some others were broken. Under a night where the only thing constant was the moonlight and the rhythmic sound of the train traveling on the rails, sleep managed to finally find them laying side by side. Soon enough, they would arrive in Glasgow and at the isle of Barra.