AN: So I'm back. Kind of. I'm hoping that this will inspire me to finish the stories that I haven't touched in ages. I'm sure this has been done before, but I just wanted to write a mockery of all the numerous fanfics that have made me want to cry. Unfortunately, I've come up with a few of them too (though I never wrote them because those are the last things the world needs), and I honestly think that every author has had a Mary-Sue/ self insert fic floating in their mind. So here's to the worst type of fic out there! After all, who else would we make fun of!
It was a typical morning in Hogwarts. The sun was shining, the owls were flying around and defecating in people's morning meals, and our favorite marauders were marauding. Well, they weren't quite there yet; Sirius was asleep in his porridge, Peter was balancing eating and finishing his potions essay, James was not so discreetly staring at Lily, and Remus was eating politely while reading, putting the rest of them to shame. All of a sudden there was a commotion throughout the Great Hall. Walking through the doors was the most beautiful girl any of them had ever seen.
She was gorgeous, pure and simple. In fact, she made unicorns look like fat muddy pigs. Everyone assumed that it had taken a great amount of plastic surgery to get a body as wonderful as hers. But it was completely natural. She had flowing hair, as black as the dye she had used on it. Her eyes were a deep blue that reminded everyone of the public pools where you just know that there's something gross in the water, especially after that school group was in it. She had a curvy body that was enough to make all of the boys come on the spot. In fact, some of the boys did, and they quickly rushed off muttering something about messy mayonnaise jars, while their friends sat and laughed. She walked as if she took nobody's shit, and she sat down gracefully at the Gryffindor table.
Sirius, noticing the beauty, quickly introduced himself. "Hello gorgeous, I'm Sirius, and I would love to be your guide."
The mysterious girl snarled at him. "I don't want your advances. I am a strong intelligent woman who happens to be good looking. And my name is Mary-Sue, you unintelligent piece of plankton." In the background Remus snickered. Sirius glared at him, but the girl had already turned her sights to the werewolf. She smiled at him.
"Hello, I'm Mary-Sue. And you are…"
"My name is Remus. It's a pleasure to meet you." With that he took her hand and kissed it. The beautiful girl smiled at him.
"It's wonderful to meet someone so cultured and polite." She shot a glare at Sirius, who was busy making sexy eyebrows at her. With that she began making advances towards Remus, leaning over and pushing her breasts together to create more cleavage. Remus, who was under her spell as much as any other boy soon asked her to Hogsmeade that weekend. She said yes with a bat of her perfectly curled eyelashes, and made sure to sway her hips seductively as she walked away.
Sirius was jealous of course, who wouldn't be? He was soon in a heated argument with Remus; insults were exchanged, names were called, and syntax was screwed up for the sake of keeping a pattern.
A few days passed, and Sirius found himself in detention. All of the sudden, in a plot twist that no one ever would have expected, Mary-Sue walked into the room with a huff. Every few seconds Sirius would sneak a glance at her, and eventually he spoke, for silence was never something Sirius liked.
"So… what are you doing here?"
She glared at him, but in the end she did reply.
"I hexed a Slytherin. So what?"
Sirius grinned his super sexy grin of doom, and she found herself melting a little.
"I never thought you would have it in you."
"I'm a badass. I don't take anybody's shit, as I have demonstrated with my badass walk."
Slowly, Sirius and Mary-Sue began to talk to each other. In fact they became more and more open as the time passed. Soon they were talking about Sirius's family.
"My mother is mean, my parents don't like me or my friends, and I often angst about it."
"Well, I too am angsty. I'm not sure why, perhaps it is because I am secretly related to Voldemort, or I have special powers, or I am some form of a mutant or magical creature that you have never heard of before, but will miraculously discover in a book after I reveal myself to you."
They shared a special smile. Sirius found himself actually liking her. Despite the fact that he had dated many other girls, they had all been meaningless for no apparent reason, but Mary-Sue was different, just because she was sooo great and perfect in every single way. Sirius found himself asking her to Hogsmeade. She, of course, said yes.
The day of the Hogsmeade trip finally arrived, and Mary-Sue was very stressed out, though it was in no way shape or form her own fault. She had to go on dates with both Sirius and Remus, and she had to prevent them from finding out that she was dating both of them, despite the glaring plot hole that Sirius already knows she's dating Remus. Dressed in a very sexy outfit that would be described in great mocking detail had the author been more creative and less color-blind, Mary-Sue was like a walking wet dream that had delusions of integrity.
The day went fine, with Mary-Sue running from one date to the other, using stupidly funny excuses to leave, such as "My llama needs watering", in typical sitcom fashion. However, towards the end of the date in a dramatic climax, Sirius and Remus crossed paths, only to discover that they were both on a date with Mary-Sue! Who could have seen that one coming…
They were just about ready to fight to the death for her, since they were both desperately in love with her. She was the most wonderful thing the world had ever seen; she was the sun, the stars, and the moon, wrapped into one sparkly ball of fire. But before they could kill each other, Mary-Sue stepped between them.
"Please don't kill each other, you're both too sexy to die! I will just have to choose somehow…" But before she could finish, Remus stepped up.
"I must reveal that I am a werewolf. I am unworthy of you and your wonderfulness. Just leave me to angst by myself in a corner."
In a great show of just how compassionate and kind she was Mary-Sue approached the lycanthrope.
"I don't care about something as stupid as that. You are still sexy, and besides, I have my own dark secret, even if I don't know what it is yet, so I understand how you feel. You both shall have to fight for my love, because I am worth it! Whoever woos me first shall be my boy-toy!"
So, in the weeks that followed Sirius and Remus competed viciously for her love. They wrote her songs and love poems, they gave her flowers and chocolates, and they were perpetually complimenting her.
One morning, Mary-Sue walked into the Great Hall and saw Sirius and Remus eating amicably.
"So what have you done for me today, my sexy suitors?" The two exchanged a glance, and Sirius began to speak.
"Well, Remus and I are sick of you acting like queen of the school and making us beg for your love. And, well, we've decided that we're happier together than with you."
Mary-Sue was outraged. Her mouth hung open, and a small family of flies took the opportunity to move in.
"But what does he have that I don't? I'm the most wonderful and beautiful and kind girl in the universe!"
"He's nicer, he's less self-centered, and besides, he's my little bronze buns." Sirius pinched Remus's butt for added emphasis.
"But, he's just a shabby werewolf!" She turned to Remus. "What could you possibly see in him?" With a glare Remus answered.
"He's considerate, he doesn't take an hour in the bathroom, and besides, his chest isn't fake."
Mary-Sue's mouth was agape. "How dare you insinuate that my perfect double C cup breasts are fake!"
With a smirk Remus pointed his wand at her chest. Her breasts exploded, and to their surprise, confetti and candy came out of the deflated orbs. The students cheered, while Mary-Sue walked away in shame. Sirius and Remus began making out in a corner, and Mary-Sue was never seen again, though it is rumored that she suddenly appeared in a strange land called Middle Earth where she was promptly assaulted by a strange creature that insisted she had its precious and decided to give her a full cavity search.
The Moral of the Story: Good things come to those who pop Mary-Sues' breasts.