Chapter 23
A/N Sadness and Blame
Joe was sitting in his office dreading the phone call he was about to make. William answered the phone and Joe told him about Suzanne losing the baby. William took a deep breath and blew it out. This was terrible news and his wife and son were not going to take it well. They were out of the house thankfully and would be gone several hours. He thanked Joe for calling and told him to give their love and best wishes to Suzanne.
Emma and Benjamin were sitting in his Dr's office waiting for him to begin his examination of Benjamin. Benjamin was nervous and jumpy and had been all morning. He had wanted to call Suzanne before they left for his appointment, but time would not allow it so he would call her when they got home. He also wanted to be armed with some knowledge about his condition to tell her.
Dr. Johnson had given him a thorough medical exam and drawn his blood to determine the extent of his condition. It would be a day or two before all the results were back.
William was not sure how he was going to tell Emma and Benjamin about Suzanne. He knew that keeping it from them would not be the right thing to do. Benjamin's reaction would be the wild card.
Benjamin was anxious to talk to Suzanne, but he would have to wait a few more days until he got all of his test results back. He truly missed her and it was hurting his heart to be without her. He knew that he had a lot to make up for and he would do anything he could to make sure she still loved him despite his shortcomings.
Suzanne was laying in her hospital bed, tears streaming down her face silently. Losing the baby was devastating. She felt so empty. Even though she had only had a short time to learn of the baby she loved it already. The baby was a product of her and Benjamin's love. She had figured out that she had conceived while they were on their honeymoon. A slight smile came to her lips. They had made love a lot trying to be with each other as much as possible before he left.
Her parents came into the room pulling her out of her memory. Her Mom sat on the side of the bed and held her hand. Her Dad was standing on the other side running his hand down her arm. They were trying their best to comfort her.
"Suzanne, I know the loss of the baby is difficult and painful. We will help you anyway we can and love you so much," her Mom told her.
"I spoke to Dr. Mathis and he said you can come home tomorrow, you will come to the farm so that we can help take care of you while you heal," her Dad told her.
Suzanne nodded her understanding and closed her eyes. Sleep was not coming easy and with her parents comfort she felt it pulling her under.
The next day she was released and moved to the farm for a while.
Back in New York, Benjamin was sitting in Dr. Johnson's office. He was giving them the results of his tests.
"Benjamin, your condition is a mild one and it was determined through your blood work that it wasn't inherited from your parents. There is no reason you can not live a long and healthy life. You will need to be careful and be aware that any kind of injury could be life threatening. Don't take unnecessary risks and you should not have any issues. I will want you to come in and get tested so we can stay on top of it and I will be starting you on some injections to boost your clotting factors. Do you have any questions?" he asked.
"Really just one, can I pass this on to my children if Suzanne and I have them in the future?" he asked.
"That is unknown at this point, but I don't think so. I will consult with some colleagues about this and get you more information," he said.
Emma and Benjamin left the office and returned home. Now that he had more information he was anxious to call Suzanne. He decided that he wanted to go to Charlottesville and face her in person, he owed that to her.
William had told Emma the night before about Suzanne losing the baby and she was devastated. She knew the news would be hard for Benjamin to hear. He would probably blame himself for leaving her alone.
William had recently purchased a private plane and they were going to leave in the morning to go to Charlottesville. She would need to be strong for her son.
The next day the plane landed and they were going to go to the Adam's farm. Emma had talked to Ellen that morning to tell her and ask about Suzanne. She told her as well as could be expected and that she was asking about Benjamin. Suzanne still didn't know all that had gone on with him. The parents had decided to let the kids talk and tell them each their news.
Benjamin was anxious the whole flight and the drive out to the farm. He had been gone for 6 weeks and was nervous to see Suzanne.
They arrived and after hugs from everyone he asked where she was? She is up in her room her Mom told him. He wondered why she wasn't downstairs to greet them, but shrugged it off as he climbed the stairs.
He knocked on her door and waited for her "Come in". Butterflies were swimming in his stomach as he opened the door.
Upon seeing her face, he quickly ran to her bed side. He pulled her close as their tears fell from their eyes. He could not believe that she was back in his arms. He missed her so much.
Pulling back to look into her eyes, he lowered his lips to hers and wanted to drown in her kisses.
The need for breath broke them apart as he laid his head on her shoulder. It suddenly occurred to him that it was the middle of the afternoon and she was in bed. Why?
"Sweetheart, why are you still in bed, are you sick?" he asked with worry on his face.
"Oh Benjamin, I have something to tell you. I found out 4 weeks ago that I was pregnant. It was the happiest of surprises. Then 4 nights ago I woke up bleeding, I am so sorry. I lost the baby. The Dr. said these things happen but I am just so sad. I had to have a procedure done and I am on bedrest for a few more days," she told him with tears streaming down her face.
Benjamin was trying to absorb all of what she was telling him. A baby, she was pregnant and lost the baby. This is my fault my disease caused this. Oh God, what have I done? He stood up and walked over to the window of her room. Staring out of it he asked himself how am I going to tell her?
As he stood up and walked away from her it occurred to her, How is he here he is supposed to in South Carolina?
"Benjamin, how are you here? Did you get special permission because of the baby?" she asked.
Benjamin took a deep breath and walked back over to her. He knew it was time for him to tell her everything he just hoped she would forgive him and still love him.
He sat back down on the edge of the bed and took her hand. He told her everything that had happened in the last 6 weeks. After he finished he looked up at her with tears streaming down his face.
"My disease is the reason you lost the baby, can you ever forgive me?" he asked.
She stood up and walked over to look out the window, taking a deep breath she turned back to him. "First you tell me that you willingly stayed away from me for 5 weeks, now you tell me you are the reason I lost my baby. What am I supposed to say to that Benjamin, huh, tell me?"
He thought about what his response to her questions should be. He had been selfish and had not included her in his pain and suffering. Now he had caused her more pain that he could imagine.
"I don't know what to say, it was selfish of me and I don't know how to make it up to you," he told her.
"I want you to leave, I can't even look at you right now," she told him.
"Sweetheart, please, let's work on this and please accept my apology. I love you so much," he pleaded, trying to take her in his arms.
"Benjamin, I can't even look at you right now, Go, you didn't need me in your life and I don't need you in mine," she told him sternly.
He could not believe what she was saying to him. He never dreamed that their love for each other would not get them through this. He stood looking at the hurt and anger on her face. He could not move his feet to leave her.
"GO, I HATE YOU SO MUCH, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN," she screamed at him.
With tears streaming down his face, he turned and walked out of the room.
She walked over and slammed the door. He felt it was the slamming of the door on their love for one another.
He walked down the stairs and straight out the door. Heading to the barn, he wanted to see Benji. He hoped he could bring some relief for his pain and make him see some clarity in the situation.
Benji stuck his head over his stall door when he heard the footsteps. Benjamin rubbed his neck and leaned in to nuzzle him. His tears streaming down his face, he finally broke. He held onto his neck and let tears and heartbreak flow out of him. He felt like his heart had been ripped from his throat and stomped to oblivion.
His legs finally gave out and he slid to the floor with his back to the stall door. He pulled his legs up and propped his hands on his knees with his head in his hands. He never dreamed that this is where they would end up. He loved her with all his heart and soul. He could not imagine his life without her in it. He needed to figure out a way to win her back. Rising to his feet he dusted off his hands and gave Benji one last rub before he left the barn.
He walked to the house and went to find his parents so they could leave.
Upstairs, Suzanne had thrown herself across her bed once she slammed the door on him. She was so unbelievably heart broken and so disappointed in what he had told her. He had left her alone for 6 weeks to wallow in himself. He also had caused the death of her baby. She would never forgive him for that. Tired and emotionally exhausted she crawled under the sheets and willed her body to sleep.
Benjamin and his parents walked into his home he shared with Suzanne. It was hard to believe he had walked out of it 6 weeks ago and all that had transpired since then. He walked over to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a drink. He threw back the liquid hoping to wash away some of his pain. He was about to pour another when he felt a hand on his arm. He looked up and saw the look on his Dad's face.
He realized what his Dad was trying to convey to him and set the bottle down. He walked over and dropped down on the couch.
"Benjamin, do you want to talk about it?" his Mom asked as she sat down beside him.
He shook his head and leaned over and put his head on her shoulder. She pulled him in tight to her and just held him. He was not one to ever really talk about his pain, but his Mom understood when she pulled him into her embrace.
He had always been a cuddly child and that had not changed as he grew up.
"Mom, Dad he said, I think I am going to bed. This day has worn me out and I just don't have anything left in me." he said, rising from the couch walking upstairs.
Once he walked into the bedroom he could smell it. The smell of her. The perfume she wore, her shampoo and body soap. It was a unique smell to her and he would recognize it anywhere. He laid down on the bed and pulled her pillow to him. Sleep didn't come quickly but finally exhaustion overtook him and dropped into a troubled slumber.
He knew tomorrow would bring another day.