Chapter 25

A/N Head or Heart

Ten days had passed since the awful day for Suzanne. She was still staying at the farm. She and Benjamin had not made up and he was staying at their house. He had come to the house several times to see her and she refused to see him. Her heart was just not ready yet.

She was working on a design in her office when her phone rang. "Suzanne Adams, she said answering the phone.

"Suzanne, please don't hang up. Can we please talk? I love you and it is killing me to be separated from you. Please meet me so we can talk?" he begged her.

She almost hung up on him, but decided that they did need to talk and maybe she was ready. "Where and when?"

"Do you want me to come to the farm?" he asked.

"I have to go to UVA at 3 to do a final walk through on the new building. Should take me about an hour and a half. Why don't we meet after that? I will meet you in front of the library on the benches. Is that okay?" she asked.

"That sounds perfect. I will see you there," he said and hung up.

He leaned back in his chair, releasing the breath he had been holding. He needed a game plan on how to win her back. He knew he messed up, now he needed to figure out how to fix it. He had learned more about his disease and was better equipped to talk to her about it now.

He had about 4 hours before they were going to meet so he needed to get some work done. Restarting his business had been a great distraction for him, but he needed to right everything in his life and she would be the number 1 priority from now on.

She hung up the phone and looked over to her Grandpop. He had a smirk on his face.

"What is that smirk about?" she asked him.

"Nothing," he said, hoping she bought his lie. He had been watching her closely the last week since he returned from his trip. He had seen her go from high to low and had not interfered. She did not need him butting into her relationship, If she had asked he would have said something, but since she didn't he had kept his mouth shut. He knew it would be a matter of time before she broke down and saw him. He knew true love when he saw it and she and Benjamin had it. Their love was a once in a lifetime connection and he knew they would eventually find their way back to each other. He just needed his stubborn granddaughter to see that.

He walked over and hugged her and then walked out of the office.

She smirked at his back as he walked out. She knew that look he gave her and she appreciated that he had not tried to push her farther on the subject.

She walked over to the library once her meeting was over. Honestly she only half listened to Tom as they walked through the building. Her mind was already on her meeting with Benjamin.

She had just sat down when he walked up. A smile was pasted on his face when she came into his view. She was always the most beautiful person he had ever seen and having not seen her for almost 2 weeks only made him want to see her more.

"Hi," he said. Sitting down beside her. He really wanted to kiss her, but he was not sure she would be receptive to it.

"Hi," she said back.

"Do you want to talk here or go somewhere else?" he asked.

"Let's go somewhere less public. How about your office?" she said.

He stood and started walking towards the office. It was only a 5 minute walk.

They entered the office and he locked the door behind them. He didn't want to risk them getting interrupted. He walked over to the couch and sat down.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asked.

"No, I am fine. Benjamin, I am not sure what to say to you. My heart is still hurting. I don't know how to forgive you for what you did," she said as tears started forming. She was determined not to cry so she rose, turning her back to him to compose herself.

He wanted to go to her and pull her into his arms. She was hurting and he wanted to comfort her. He stayed sitting waiting for her to come back to him. He was sitting on his hands to keep from pulling her into his embrace when she sat back down.

"I know you are still hurting and mad at me. You have every right to be. I was selfish for running to the cabin and not coming back to you. My whole world had been rocked with finding out about my disease and not being able to serve my country. I did not know how to handle it. I had no idea about it and finding out that way really threw me. I was totally prepared to serve my country and then to find out I couldn't, made me feel like a failure. Then I was afraid that people would call me a coward for not serving. I was scared that you would not love me anymore and I could not face you. My Dad was the one who came and talked some sense into me. He made me see how stupid I was and that I needed to come back to you. I wanted to find out all I could about my disease before I came back to you. It took longer than I wanted. Can you please forgive me?" he asked with tears streaming down his face.

She did not know what to think of what he had just told her. She had thought of all kinds of things in the past 10 days about why he had not come back to her.

"I have since found out more about my disease. My doctors are telling me that my disease was not the cause of the miscarriage. They are not 100 percent sure, but about 99 percent that the type of hemphillia that I have is not hereditary. The type I have is something that developed in my blood. They don't know why yet. I am going to go to the Mayo Clinic in Boston in 2 weeks to get some more answers. There is a doctor there that is an expert in the disease and he had agreed to take me on as a patient," he explained to her.

She listened to him explain his actions and about his disease. She had talked to Dr. Mathis about it also and he had told her he was pretty sure that Benjamin's condition did not cause the miscarriage. She was not totally convinced. She also was not buying his explanation as to why he had run off when told of his condition.

"So you just decided to wallow in yourself and not give our love a chance. You decided that my love for you was so superficial that I would not understand why you could not serve. Do you remember how heartbroken I was when you left and how it devastated me? Do you not believe that I would have taken you back no matter what?" she asked him.

He was not prepared for her anger and frustration that she heard in her words. He sat back heavily on the couch. True he had not truly taken her into consideration when he made that terrible decision to run from his life. She was but an after thought that got tangled with all the others that were churning through his head. He looked up at her and what he saw scared him more than the day he boarded the train and left her. Her face was full of disgust for him. He saw none of the light that she always had in her eyes. What was it going to take from him to put that light back?

She rose and walked towards the door, "I need to get home and think about our future together and whether we actually have one," she said as she walked out the door.

He never rose from the couch as he heard the door shut. He didn't know how long he sat there just staring at the door. His mind was adrift and he could not tell you a single thing that had come and gone out of his mind. He blinked and realized that it was now dark outside. Rising from his chair he walked towards the door. He looked back once more to the couch where she had sat with the look he will never forget on her face.

She had driven out to the farm and walked straight into the barn. It held some many wonderful and happy memories for her. She hoped it would help her to feel happy again. The horses, the many hours that they had spent there, especially since Benji's birth, the hours they spent riding the acres on the farm. A smile formed as she remembered the day that Benji was born and she named him after the man that had her total heart.

She climbed up to the hayloft and opened the doors. She looked out over the farm. They had talked about one day building a home and starting a family here. She absent mindedly rubbed her stomach. The one that was supposed to grow with their child. The child that was now lost to them. The one they would not get to hold, love or name. She slid down and sat on a hay bale and looked out. Her thoughts were all jumbled and her heart hurt so much. She didn't know how to get past the pain that she felt, the loss. Her head was telling her to forgive him, but her heart could not.

A chill came across her body and she shook her head. When she looked out she realized it was way past sunset. She climbed down and made her way into the house. Just as she walked in the door, her Mom came running up to her.

"Eric called, Evelyn is in the hospital having the baby. Dad is getting cleaned up and we are heading in. Do you want to go with us?" Ellen asked.

Suzanne shook her head No and headed up the stairs to her room. Once she shut the door, the full weight of the day came crashing down on her and she hurled herself onto her bed and cried. She cried for her baby, for her broken heart and possibly the death of her love for Benjamin.

Benjamin arrived home and threw his keys on the table beside the door. They slid to a stop at a framed picture. He heard them clink and turned his head. It was one of their wedding pictures. He had not truly looked at it since he had been back. Suzanne had gotten them back while he was gone and had framed them he guessed. He picked up the picture and a smile came to his face. It was one of them. They were on the dance floor with her in his arms. The photographer had captured it of her looking up at him with only love in her eyes. He sat down on the couch just staring at the picture. He wanted to sear that look from her into his brain to drown out the one he had seen earlier today. He sat the photo down and walked around the apartment. He was truly just noticing all of them that she had put out in their home. The love for each other was radiating from each of them and putting his heart in a vice. He could not stand to look at them. He walked over and picked up his keys and walked out of the house.

Suzanned woke up the next morning and walked down to the kitchen. Her Mom was not there and there was no breakfast made. Weird she thought, but she made a bowl of cereal and went about her day.

Benjamin found himself waking up on the couch. He didn't remember coming back home last night or even what happened after he left the house. He showered and dressed for the day. Since it was such a nice day out he decided to walk to work. His route would take him by the UVA campus and he remembered that Suzanne had told him about the new building she had designed it was just about ready to be opened. He wanted to see her work for himself. Walking into the building he could feel her all over it. He knew that she was talented, but just how talented she was had eluded him until now. The building was beautiful and would stand for a long time with his wife's name on it as the architect. He was both proud and sad. Sad because they had not shared the moment together. He could just picture the joy in her eyes as she showed him the building and all the hard work she had put in to make it come to be.

The dedication would be in 2 days and he would make it a point to be there to at least see her get the much deserved recognition and praise she deserved